Chapter 19: Stairs

My finger shakes just as I’m about to press the elevator button. My index finger hovers over it a moment longer before I bring it back to my side. I look over my shoulder, the staircase in view. I take a deep breath and choose to stall my task ahead.

My chest becomes heavier as my feet trudge higher and higher from ground level, and not just because of the several flights of stairs. I let out a puff of air as I stand on the floor of my destination slightly out of breath. I turn and look across my shoulder towards the apartment door and see Hoseok; his neck craned, keys hovering over the lock with an expression close to mine by the elevator. He bites his bottom lip, brows knitting closer together as he moves to insert the key.

“Hoseok,” I call as I trot towards him. Bliss mixes with my unease and I’m left even more uncertain and nervous.

Hoseok’s head lifts up and turns to me. His anxious expression fades as a smile graces his lips. “Ahri,” he calls back.

I had forgotten the way my stomach flips whenever he says my name and my footsteps slow, stopping a few meters away.

Hoseok’s smile falters. “Ahri?”

I take a few more hesitant steps, any more and I will rush into his arms and want nothing more than for him to hold me tight.

His eyes float onto the gifted necklace I wear and his expression eases into a small smile. “Why haven’t you been answering your phone?” he asks, his voice low and tender.

“Um—“I feel my knees weaken, ready to give way. I swallow, “we need to talk,” I say resolutely. I don’t want to make up an excuse—he’ll understand once I’ve told him everything.

Hoseok blinks, the uneasiness silencing him. He points at the door as to ask whether we should go inside. I shake my head and he starts looking more tense. He takes a timid step towards me before leaning onto the railing, looking not at me but just beside the door at nothing in particular.

“What do you want to talk about?” he murmurs, telling by how I’d said it, he knew it wasn’t good. I’m not sure if it’s the wind or his voice that cause his words to tremble.

I take in a ragged breath, my heart pounds against my chest. Tentatively, I walk over to the space he stares; my knees are so weak that I feel like I’m about to collapse with each step, my stomach curls as I see his feet a few steps from mine and I force my eyes to meet his.

His eyes slowly rise too, widening as they do. “Have you been crying?” he utters as he analyses my appearance. He reaches out, I flinch and his hand stops mid-air before he brings it back down, muttering a discreet apology.

I curse my anxiousness. “Hoseok,” I hum in attempt to smooth my voice against the wind, it’s still slightly raspy from the crying and nerves.

He nods. His eyes are already welling in pain, and I can tell his breaths are trembling by the way his lips quiver before he presses them into a thin line. He puts his hands in the pockets of his hoodie but I can still make out his fists clenching behind the fabric.

“I-I’m thinking of moving back to Australia,” I explain as calmly and collectively as I can cope with my emotion wrecking my mind, “Our group is breaking up.”

Hoseok flinches slightly at the last two words before his mouth opens to speak, he seems indecisive as to what to address first. He swallows. “You’re leaving?” he repeats.

I nod slowly, letting the news sink in.

“I’m sorry to hear you’re disbanding,” he adds rather hastily as if to cut me off from continuing. His eyes meet mine and I give him a small smile, he attempts to do the same. “Was it because of us?” he murmurs.

‘Us.’

 I look up at him. I don’t like the way he gazes with unsure guilt, hoping I’d let him take some of the blame. Along with the warmth it spread, I can’t help but feel worst in the stomach.

“I’m sorry,” he says softly, his words almost not making it, “It’s because we’re dating that your band suddenly lost popularity, right?”

I shake my head, “It’s not any of your fault.”

Hoseok looks slightly taken aback and offended. “—I guess I don’t get a say in you leaving either?” he mutters, the shaking in his voice more evident.

I nod. He bites his bottom lip, mirroring my action. He murmurs something under his breath, seemingly irritated at himself as he lets out a torn sigh, his eyes wandering around before landing back on me. He his drying lips and grumbles in his hand. “Can I not say anything to make you stay?” he refutes.

I shake my head silently. His face stiffens but he obediently bites down on whatever he was about to say.

We don’t say a word for a few minutes. I scratch at my palms, my nails clawing at the skin. The wind roars between us, my hair billowing over my eyes before I tuck it behind my ears. Hoseok doesn’t do anything to how his overgrown bangs wisp at his eyes.

“—And?” he urges, pain rifling his voice, knowing I have more to say.

I take in a heavy breath. “I—I—,” I hold my breath a moment to steady my voice and heart, I my lips and wipe my clammy hands on my jeans, shuffling slightly forward “I,” I repeat firmly, my eyes timidly looking up at his, “I think we should break up.”

We both knew it was coming but Hoseok’s expression immediately contorts in shock. He gapes in disbelief, “We can have a long distance relationship—” he disputes frantically, “It’ll be hard but if we—“

“Hoseok!” I cry desperately, “please—!!” My body trembles. I shift my weight and look down at my feet, unable to confront Hoseok’s upset expression, how much it hurts me to see is indescribable and I hate myself for being the cause of it.

He freezes his jaw stiffening. His hands grip onto the railing until his knuckles become white. “Why?” he rasps. The rust of the rail fails to take his mind off his suffering as it impales his hands.

“Every—“I gasp and bite down a cry, “every time I think I’m falling for you,” I start, my voice shuddering. I swallow. “I don’t know if I love you or the Hoseok I first fell for… I feel guilty all the time… I don’t know if I’ve been ignoring this because I don’t want to hurt you or if I don’t want to hurt myself—because if I let go of you I feel like I’m giving up on him and letting go of him.” I take a moment to look up at Hoseok, he stares down at his feet with drooping shoulders. I tense my jaw. “I don’t want to expect things from you when I can’t associate the past from the present; I don’t want to think of past memories that only I know when I’m with you; I don’t want to pretend that I know you and you know me because we don’t.” My voice cracks. I’m shaking uncontrollably and there’s a high pitch ringing in my ears as my vision clouds. “Maybe if I hadn’t already loved you or if I wasn’t in this position, things would have been different.” I swallow. My voice is shaking so much as I feel everything inside of me crumble. “I’m trying really hard to move on but—”

“You shouldn’t have to try,” Hoseok interrupts.

I look up at him, my bottom lip quivers. “I’m sorry Hoseok. I’m so sorry.”

Hoseok is looking across his shoulder, his side profile outlined by the sun. The edges of his lips quiver before being pressed into a deep frown, I feel my stomach drop when he turns to face me with red rimmed eyes.

A small laugh escapes his lips causing my chest to clench, my expression distorting upon seeing him so hurt. “Don’t be like that,” he whispers, a slight husk in his tone; he steps in to close the space between us, he reaches out, hesitating slightly before cupping my face in his hands. His long fingers brush my cheeks, a disheartened smile fading into his once cheerful features.

I bring myself to look him the eyes, he gazes back with hurt longing and lust. I hate how selfish I am and for hurting him like this—he deserves so much better and so much more. Hoseok exhales as his arms pull me into the comfort of his chest. I let him hold me for a moment before I unconsciously wrap my arms around his waist and rest my head in the nook of his neck. He plants a small kiss on the top of my head as he murmurs words into my hair. His neck is warm by my temple, cheek soft on my ear, and heart beat heavy on my chest. I can hear the strain in his breath as he sighs.

“Given the chance, I could have loved you too.”

*Please Read* A/N: There's still ONE CHAPTER to go! I'm so sorry, I've had this chapter (and the next) saved in Word for some time now but haven't had the chance to post them. I've recently been busy with art stuff such as— tadah! a facebook page! It'll mean a lot if you like it for me ; u ;

I may also add an extra chapter for the scenes/scenarios that didn't make it into a chapter. Also I'm working on two new stories:

La Douleur Exquise (Yoongi x OC) which will probably be a bit angsty fluff

The Most Beautiful Moment in Life (BTS x OCs) which is a collaboration between my bestfriend and I, and will be a series of connected one shots. (I wrote the 1st chapter and she's working on the next)