chapter twenty one: xxi. warmth & fanboy

I got off the bus, bracing myself for the cold air. It had gotten considerably warmer since earlier during the day, but maybe that was because I felt burden free and significantly lighter.

I showed my ID to the guard and he let me in. I walked slowly towards the dorm building, before changing my mind and doubling back out the gates and to the nearest coffee shop. It wasn’t a chain coffee shop like Starbucks; it was one of those corner coffee shops with the good music and nice views and cr*ppy but comfortable furniture. I ordered a caramel macchiato (in remembrance of one of our band’s songs), regretting it right after. I wasn’t really up for something sweet but… too late.

I turned around, caramel macchiato in hand when someone called my name. My face brightened, and I walked over to where the voice had come from.

“Minseok oppa, Luhan oppa, what are you doing here?”

Luhan and Minseok were standing side by side, fully equipped for the cold weather. Luhan sported a black (puffy) jacket, one of the Canadian goose ones, a dark red scarf and a grey beanie; hands tucked neatly into his pockets. Minseok wore one of those fashionable long French(?) jackets with the cone buttons that I really had no idea what the name of was-it was navy blue-with a black scarf and a very fluffy looking hat with ear flaps.

“We’re here under the boss’s orders,” Minseok announced solemnly.

I blinked.

“No, not really,” said Luhan, eyes crinkling with soft laughter. “Junmyeon just told us to get him a black coffee while we came on our weekly coffee run.”

I flinched at the mention of Junmyeon. “Weekly coffee run? How did I not know about this? Why did you not tell me about this?”

They kindly ignored my flinch. “What, you a coffee mania?”

I shook my head. “Hell yeah! I don’t know how I’d live without coffee!”

“Eyyyy,” beamed Minseok, putting his fist out for props. I tapped my fist with his gently, grinning.

“Besides, did you not see my kettle and my Maxim coffee supply?” I asked.

They both shook their heads.

“Well then again, I did stash it away in my closet…” I laughed easily. “Just in case coffee deprived people stole it. But you know, Maxim coffee is nothing compared to the actual thing. Umma wouldn’t let me bring proper coffee, sugar, and milk, saying it would make me short, so I bought two whole packs of Maxim on the trip here.”

Luhan raised his eyebrows. “I think coffee has done its toll on both of you,” he teased, eyeing both of us.

Minseok and I both scowled at him while he laughed, dodging our incoming punches.

“How about you guys go order, and I’ll wait here for you guys,” I suggested.

“I’ll stay back; I’m not really up for coffee today anyway. Don’t forget Junmyeon’s black coffee, Minseok,” Luhan emphasized. “Black. He says he wants it really black today. So don’t go get him something else as a ‘surprise’ and get me killed in the process.”

I chuckled, leaning the side of my head against the glass window as I took a sip of my caramel macchiato.

“So… what’s up with you and Junmyeon, huh?” murmured Luhan, leaning back casually onto the glass window so that he was right in my line of sight.

“We… had a fight…?” I sighed. “I don’t even know what it is, to be honest. It was mostly just me ranting at him and then leaving him behind without listening to what he had to say. But I’m all good now. I ranted to a friend of mine and he told me his opinion on the situation, and it helped me gather my thoughts. I… I guess I want to apologize for screaming at him when it wasn’t really his fault but at the same time it is kind of his fault so I don’t want to apologize.”

Luhan laughed softly. “It’s a paradox, isn’t it?”

I nodded deadly. “The paradox of stubborn people and not wanting to apologize.”

“Knowing Junmyeon… well, he’s stubborn too. He doesn’t like apologizing; especially to us. But for some reason, I feel like he’s going to apologize to you. Especially if it really is his fault.” Luhan pulled on the sides of his beanie, and I mentally reminded myself to buy a hat, gloves, and a scarf… this winter was supposed to be cold, and while Minseok and Luhan were clearly equipped, I, the one from Canada, was not. “But hey, Junmyeon is a good kid. Stubborn as and has this really unexpected snarky and sarcastic side, but hey, he’s a good kid.”

I laughed. “Thanks, Luhan oppa.”

Luhan grinned. “You called me by my proper name! Not Lulu!”

“Well thanks for pointing that out, Lulu oppa,” I smirked triumphantly.

He groaned, covering his eyes with his right hand, but he was smiling. Minseok came up to both of us with a steaming hot cup of coffee in each hand, smiling. “Let’s go give Junmyeon his coffee!”

Luhan nudged me a little, giving a nod that clearly meant, that will be your time. I rolled my eyes at him.

We walked out of the coffee shop together, the brutal cold harshly hitting us. I shivered automatically, it feeling much colder than before I had stepped in the coffee shop. Probably because I had warmed up and now had to face the cold all over again, and all I had was a jacket and jeans-not much protection from the cold. I cursed the fact that I had no hood, dug my hands deep into the pockets of my jacket and tried burying myself as deep into my jacket as I could go, my jacket zipped up to my chin.

Minseok and Luhan both noticed my dilemma at the same time. Luhan quickly took off his red scarf and wrapped it around my neck, making sure it wasn’t too tight but that it insulated me from the cold. Minseok gave me his fluffy hat with the ear flaps, putting it on me and concluding by patting me on the head cheerfully. I thanked them sheepishly, feeling considerably warmer than before. I wasn’t sure if it was the kind gesture that made me so warm or… yeah, probably just the fact that I actually had something covering my ears, some of my face, and neck.

I buried my face into the scarf, inhaling the scent. It smelled like a mix of old scarf and Luhan. He had this particular smell, whenever I hugged him. Like… a candle? One of those nicely scented candles; the wax after it had been melted once. I always used to love playing with it, seeing if it was warm enough not to burn yourself but still enough to give you that nice feel.

We walked back in a comfortable silence; Minseok and I sipping on our coffees and Luhan watching us in amusement, chuckling silently as he thought things, probably about how the two short people loved coffee. As we walked into the dorm building, Luhan latched a hand onto my arm, as if to make sure I wouldn’t escape my apology/meet with Junmyeon. When we got to his room, he was pacing back and forth, talking to Kyungsoo who was mostly ignoring him as he read his book.

At the sound of the door opening, he looked up with a look of worry and apprehension on his face. Seeing Minseok with his coffee, a look of gratefulness flooded his face. I, at the time, was hiding behind Luhan. As Junmyeon began making his way to us, Luhan guided me in front of him and Minseok, causing Junmyeon to stop in his tracks as all the worry (for the most part) disappearing from his face.

He made his way to me, putting his hands on my shoulders as I struggled not to flee. He looked like he wanted to say something, but instead, he dropped his head onto my shoulder, breathing a sigh of relief. I jumped in surprise, but his grip on my shoulders and his head’s presence on my shoulder did not change.

“I’m so glad you got back safely…”

After he got that sentence out, he lifted his head from my shoulder and stared deeply into my eyes. “Are you crazy, going off on your own like that? Did you even realize that you left your phone at my house? What if something happened to you? Do you know what went through my mind when I came back and discovered that you weren’t here, and when you didn’t come back for another two hours?” I winced. Had I really been at Yoongi’s house for that long? I mean, I had stayed for more cookies and listened to that beat Yoongi had been talking about, giving him advice for awhile… but surely I hadn’t been that long. But then again, there was travel time plus coffee time. “Do you… do you know how worried I was?”

The worry and look of relief on his face was genuine. I remembered what Yoongi had told me. If you feel that they are being real, they are being real. If not, they’re not being real. But sometimes I wonder if any of us are even real? I mean, depending on the people you are around, your personality changes. And that’s not because you’re being fake to some people and real to others, it’s just because different people uncover different parts of you.

And that was right. My personality did change, depending on who I was around. I was different around my mom, around my brother, around the band, around EXO, around different members of EXO… and it wasn’t me being fake. It was different parts of my personality, and different parts of me.

Junmyeon took my hand-the one not carrying my caramel macchiato-and pulled me passed Luhan and Minseok and through the door, ignoring Minseok’s where should I leave your coffee? He led me down the stairs and out the door, until we were outside again.

When we finally got outside, he let go of my hand. We stood there for a while, and I coughed at the awkwardness. Then, he spoke. “I thought a lot about what you said while I waited for you to come… and so I have a lot to say to you. Can I just firstly say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for making this competition and I’m sorry for making you go through all you’ve been going through. Because honestly, the boys and I haven’t really been thinking about your side in this, or your opinion. I’m sorry for being selfish. And I’ll talk to them about it too because I think they need to realize and apologize to you too. But can I tell you my side, for a second?” He swallowed nervously, taking a deep breath as if it would give him courage. “We weren’t supposed to fall in love with you. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you. But it happened, and eventually, we started using the competition as an excuse to get closer to you. And that’s selfish, I know, because we weren’t considering your feelings. But I promise you that I’m not being fake. And I’m almost 99.9999% sure that the others are being real too. Sure, they’re a bit different than before, but that’s because you changed them. Love changes people right?” He smiled broadly. “And I… also want to apologize for making you question your feelings because I know that… that’s one of the worst things that can happen. Because questioning yourself? Not believing yourself? That . And I know it does.”

As for your feelings? Your feelings aren’t meaningless. Even if it is for them being fake, it isn’t meaningless. No less than your thoughts and opinions being meaningless. You play point guard, I play shooting guard. We have different positions in the game. Does that make either meaningless? No. Without one or the other, the game’s flow would be ruined. And just like that, your feelings aren’t meaningless. Better have some feelings than none, right?

“So I’m urging you now to believe your feelings and believe in your feelings. Because your feelings are worth so much! Feelings prove that you’re human, and feelings lead to beautiful things. Feelings make other people feel too! And yeah. I’m pretty sure all of us are being real to you, though. As real as we would be to other people, anyway. Maybe even realer. And I know that that doesn’t really help this situation, but I also know that you’ll understand what I mean.”

And really, no one can keep acting or faking for so long. Eventually they get annoyed by babos like you, and they’ll show their real selves. None of them have shown their real selves? That’s because they’ve been showing their real selves all this time. Simple as that.

I did understand what he meant. There’s only so much of yourself that you are willing to show people, usually due to the fear of what they’ll think of you. The amount of yourself you show to those people vary on how much you trust them. And sadly, in this society, how much you showed yourself to others meant how real you were.

I realized after his long speech that he was shivering, hands tucked into his jean pockets. His naturally pale skin was looking pink from the cold, and little clouds of his breath appeared as he breathed.

“Jun oppa, are you crazy?” I shrieked, getting a hold of myself. “Why’d you drag me out when all you’re wearing is a thin white shirt and jeans?”

I dragged him into the building.

His teeth chattered. “C-can I… can I hug you?” he mumbled.

I hugged him in reply, putting my arms around him. I still had Luhan’s scarf and Minseok’s hat, as well as my winter jacket, making me quite fluffy. I held him in my arms until he stopped shivering, before pulling away.

“Okay… my turn. Well…” I looked away. “I want to say sorry for ranting to you like that, and then just leaving. I too reflected a lot on what I said and thought a lot about it. I was also only looking at it from my point of view. So I’m sorry for doing that.”

Junmyeon shook his head. “But you had a good reason. We… had it coming for a long time, I guess.” He sheepishly ran a hand through his hair.

“Your… coffee is getting cold.” I gave a shy smile, sipping my own now warm caramel macchiato. Maybe I should have gotten an iced caramel macchiato.

“Coffee can easily be replaced,” he pointed out, “while you can not. Neither can time.”

Junmyeon had this unnerving way of gazing right into your eyes, making you feel as if he could pierce into your soul with it. It was the kind of gaze that rendered you unable to think clearly or speak clearly or do anything at all, really.

“B-but… it’s coffee!” I sputtered. “Black coffee, in fact. Which Lulu oppa kindly reminded Mini oppa… and that’s why Mini oppa didn’t buy something else.”

“That reminds me… where were you for those two hours?” Junmyeon asked curiously, already starting to walk back to where his coffee (probably) was.

“Oh…” I trailed off, following closely after him. “Well, I went to my friend’s house.”

“Friend? You have friends?” Junmyeon teased.

“Oppa!” I scowled. “Don’t be mean! And yeah, I do have friends. Well technically, he was my oppa’s friend first. He’s called Min Yoongi, and he’s oppa’s best friend and partner in their little duo called BTS.”

Junmyeon blinked. “WAIT A SECOND, DID YOU JUST SAY BTS?”

I nodded slowly.

“Your oppa is the Kim Namjoon and Rap Monster of BTS?” asked Junmyeon, stopping in his tracks, clearly astounded.

I nodded again.

“Oh my god, I’m such a big fan of him!” Junmyeon squealed, starting to walk again. “Why didn’t you tell me before? I didn’t even get his autograph!”

I gave him a weird stare, before speaking. “Umm you never asked… how was I supposed to know that you were a fan of him?”

“And you know Suga? God I’m so jealous of you, you’re friends with the Suga and the Rap Monster is your oppa. I mean, Suga and RM! Wow…” Junmyeon shook his head, still amazed.

“Anyway, as I was saying…” I gave a pointed glance to him, and he grinned sheepishly. “I went over to his house-he’s totally rich by the way-and ate Jin ahjumma’s cookies while—”

“THE FAMOUS COOKIES? Do you KNOW how many Instagram posts he has about those cookies? FIVE!” I glared at him, and he pouted. “Sorry…”

“I went over to his house and ate Jin ahjumma’s cookies while ranting to him about the whole situation. Then, he told me his opinion and that helped me clear my mind a lot. I helped him with the lyrics for one of the songs on the new mixtape they’re working on, and he got inspired by my rant. On the mixtape, there’s going to be a song called Fake, and that was inspired by us-” Junmyeon squealed “-oh and did I mention? Do you know their song Punch?”

Junmyeon nodded eagerly, rapping out the verse quickly. I winced, shaking my head at him. “No, oppa, no. Anyway, that was inspired by me.”

He blinked. “H…ow?”

I opened the door to his dorm, where Kyungsoo was standing, the cup of… Junmyeon’s coffee tilted to his mouth. “Oh… you came back. The coffee was getting cold and you weren’t coming back so I decided to drink it.”

Normally, Junmyeon would probably have attacked him. But today? Apparently, Junmyeon was in too much of a good mood to care. “Anyway,” he said, turning back to me, “how?”

“Well I started ranting to Su oppa about my one boyfriend that I had had who had cheated on me, and then I told him about how I had punched him after I had discovered that he’d cheated on me. Then Su oppa started laughing like crazy. That was when we still had the band, and when Jungkook oppa and Taehyung oppa were together and all with them. Jungkook oppa actually went and beat Hoseok up, and then we kicked him out of the band. Yoongi oppa wrote this song as a tease, called Punch, but we never ended up using it as a band, because it wasn’t really a song for a lot of people to sing in; and we had three vocals. So when the band disbanded and they formed the new BTS, RM and Suga... wow, it’s got to be about a year after they debuted… they released it as a rap song featuring Taehyung oppa singing in it. All inspired by me.” I grinned proudly. “And it became their hit song, what made them so well known and got them so many fans. Though the song was altered a lot from the original.”

“I didn’t know that there was such a deep back story to the song,” said Junmyeon, eyes wide in amazement.

I laughed. “Trust me, there’s a deep back story to all the songs. You know… Just One Day?”

There was a flash of understanding on his face, and then his face softened. “Oh… is that… about your appa?”

I nodded. “Well… we actually had that song for the original BTS too. That was the last song that we did together before we disbanded, and it was originally about Yoongi oppa’s one sided love for this girl at the library who he didn’t even know the name for. He wrote the song and all. Then… appa died, and the band ended up disbanding. And Yoongi oppa came up with the idea and decided to do a bit of a remix on it with the same melody but in a minor key and much slower, with of course different lyrics. The title and the hook didn’t change, of course. Just One Day. It fits perfectly. I wrote the new chorus and third verse, actually. My first attempt at rap making but you know, the response was pretty good. And… yeah, I’m the vocal in the chorus with Jungkook oppa in it. On the mixtape it says Just One Day featuring C.Gull and J.E, and I’m J.E, short for Joo-Eun.”

“Oh, and Namjoon hyung wrote the second verse, and Yoongi wrote the track and the first verse?”

I nodded.

“And wait… J.E? You were featured in so many of their songs! And you had a hand in writing some of their songs, too!”

I smiled sheepishly. “Yeah, I’ve got a bit of a fanbase too.”

“You were in Blanket Kick-”

“Another remix.”

“-with C.Gull, and Let Me Know-”

“Also a remix.”

“-with V, and Where Did You Come From-”

“Once again, a remix.”

“-with C.Gull and V, and I Need U-”

“Another remix. They needed someone who could do high notes, and our keys are different and it works in mine so yeah.”

“-with C.Gull, V, and Jin. THE MASCOT! And those are just some of many… but wait why are there so many remixes?”

“Well, they can’t exactly release the exact same song with different lyrics or different parts,” I replied simply. “And also the pressure to make new mixtapes is really high. So when they needed an extra song, they just remixed one of the old songs, and Taehyung oppa, Jungkook oppa or I, and occasionally Jin ahjumma, just sang the parts for them. Taehyung oppa and Jungkook oppa sometimes sang for some other originals but I mainly sang for the remixes, unless I myself had had a hand in writing the new song. It’s kind of a matter of pride for me, I guess?”

Junmyeon nodded in understanding. “That’s so cool though! You’re J.E! And Jungkook is C.Gull! I should’ve been nicer to him… when can I meet Suga? Or V? I’m in love with V’s voice. Such a big fan. Also, who’s J-Hope?”

“Ah… they needed another rapper. Plus they were told to have a song that has a dance for the 2014 Hip Hop Music Festival so they called him. He’s a monster dancer… he’s… Jung Hoseok. Also known as my ex-boyfriend, and the one that Punch was based on.” I grimaced. “He was their last resort.”

“I was about to say that he was J-Dope… but now…”

“So… what are you guys talking about?” questioned Kyungsoo, clearly confused.

“Long story,” I groaned, not wanting to explain all over again.

It looked like I wouldn’t have to. Junmyeon started animatedly telling Kyungsoo about everything, Kyungsoo quickly cutting him off. “Ha, Suho hyung… it’s okay. I don’t really want to know anymore.” He quickly gulped down the last drops of what used to be Junmyeon’s coffee.

I smiled, diving onto Kyungsoo’s bed. “Nice decision, Soo oppa.”

I climbed under the covers, wrapping them tightly around me. “Wake me in a few, okay?” I mumbled, my eyes already sliding closed.

I heard Kyungsoo’s faint voice, complaining that it was his bed, and then I fell asleep.

A/N: So okay, the whole competition thing wasn't resolved, but I promise, there will be more on that in a few more chapters... Suho's speech was much too fine to interrupt and then she realized that he was freezing cold :P

Anyway, she calls him Cee because Jungkook's stage name was supposed to be Seagull, right? And seeing how weird rappers spell things, I made it C.Gull hahah

Suho's fangirling was so fun to write istg it brought me so much joy :3

Anyway hope you liked this chapter!! (Any B.A.P. fans out there? HAVE YOU LISTENED TO THEIR NEW ALBUM HOLY CRAP)