A/N: Trigger Warning: Mentions of cutting and suicide

chapter seventeen: xvi. fading scars

There were gasps all around the room. His arm was covered in scars-none of them were recent, thank God, but they were there nevertheless.

He blinked, still looking at the ground, as a few teardrops dropped to the ground.

“Oh God, you’re so strong,” I managed to choke out, before clutching him to me. “You’re so strong, so strong. How’d you endure all that pain?”

He started to shake, silent tears dropping down onto my shoulder, his body racking up in silent sobs. The others came up to us, surrounding us in the hug. That’s when he started to full out sob, and we stayed like that for a good five minutes, a few of us crying with him.

After we pulled away from the hug, everyone took their original seats, except for Kyungsoo, who took a seat leaning against my bed. I scooched down off the bed beside him, and took his hand in mine. Then, he began to speak.

“I’m… I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. And thank you for those who knew before but kept my secret,” he gave grateful glances to Junmyeon and Kai. “Um… where do I start? It started as early as Gr. 7. I don’t know what triggered it but I became really pessimistic. And I guess I still am pessimistic, but I’m improving and I’ve gotten a lot better. Anyway. Um.” He looked around nervously, before taking a shaky breath and continuing. I squeezed his hand. “I started wondering what the point of life was and wondering if it’d be better if I was dead. And it wasn’t even because of the people around me that I became, uh, depressed, it just kind of happened and I had no command over it. My life was enviable by many, I had a great family, great friends, yet there I was, with this depression. And I think that made it even worse, because I began to blame myself for my depression. That’s when the cutting began, I guess.

“I’d fall under these long train of thoughts and start blaming myself and it got really overwhelming. I don’t really know how to describe the feeling of being depressed,” Kyungsoo paused, swallowing. He closed his eyes before continuing. “It’s like you’re drowning. You can’t breathe and you see the light but it’s just so far away. You want to scream but you can’t and the tears only get mixed in with the water, making you doubt yourself in the first place. And the worst thing is that no one’s coming to save you. You’re drowning on your own, and you know no one’s coming to save you. You have to save yourself but you’re just so deep under that… you can’t. And I’d drown all those feelings out,” he chuckled sardonically, “drown, ironically. I’d drown all those feelings out by cutting.

“Because if you cut you could focus on the pain and nothing else. And it feels like you have no other problems. But of course, it only lasts for a while, and then you’re back in reality with the same depression, same problems, and same feelings. Which makes you want to cut even more, even though it hurts. But at least it’s physical pain, not emotional pain. I’d prefer physical pain any day over emotional pain. Because at least physical pain gets better, eventually. You know it will. But emotional pain… you might reassure yourself that it might get better, but it doesn’t always. And sometimes those words of reassurance sound false even in your own ears.” He shuddered, as if re-imagining the pain. “It was morbid, I suppose. And obviously unhealthy.

“And it lasted for much longer than it should’ve. I was cutting for, wow, it must have been a year and a half. I stopped the summer going to high school. So the summer before my first year here. You see, I found a replacement for cutting. Instead of drowning myself in, or rather drowning the world out with physical pain, I discovered music. I began to sing. I started playing piano in Grade 3, but I would just play classical pieces. But at the middle of Grade 8, my music teacher suggested that I try playing more contemporary pieces of music. And with them came lyrics that I had to sing, and sometimes rap. I mean, I knew I had a nice voice and all, but that’s when I really found my love for singing. I applied for this school right away. And then, whenever it got really bad, I turned to music. I would listen to music or write my feelings out in piano or play piano or improvise on piano. I got really into R&B, soul, hip hop, and… it was a whole new world.

“So I guess you could say that… music healed me. I began to get better, slowly. I found joy in music, I found something that made me truly happy. That was music. And the best part was… it was also another thing that I could relate with with my friends. With you guys. Because you guys loved music, so there was one more subject that I could talk to you guys with joy. I guess, before that, I felt a little alienated from you. I mean, I was quiet, pessimistic, and I felt like I was only friends with you guys because we’d known each other for so long. But after I got into music, some of us bonded over the types of music we listened to, some of us bonded over singing together, talking about singing, some of us bonded over piano, and some of us bonded over feeling the music-dancing. And I think music brought us closer together than anything.” He opened his eyes, pausing for a second. “Maybe that’s why I love music even more. Because it brought me closer to you guys, and let me meet a bunch of new people and created a lot of new opportunities for me. And most of all, it let me have a dream.”

He laughed nervously, looking around at everyone.

“Wait, I hate to kill the mood, but who knew? And how did they find out?” Baekhyun burst out.

Kai and Junmyeon put their hands up slowly.

“Well… I’m his roommate,” Junmyeon spoke first. “I found him asleep on his bed; he had come straight after dance class… remember, he had dance last period last year? Anyway, and he’d been so exhausted that he’d just fallen asleep. My… motherly instincts kicked in and I was changing him into his penguin pyjamas, and… that’s when I saw, I guess. After he woke up the next day, I asked for an explanation and he told me. Not as in as much as depth as this, though.”

“Penguin pyjamas?” I couldn’t help but smile at Kyungsoo as he blushed. “Soo oppa, you have good taste.”

“And I… Kyungsoo hyung and I went to the same middle school, and when he was at the end of grade eight, we were in the washroom together. His sweater’s sleeves got really wet, so I rolled it up for him. He tried to recoil but it was too late. He then explained.”

“I… wanted people to notice. But at the same time I was so afraid of people noticing, and…” he took a deep breath. “I’m just glad that I’ve gotten better for the most part. I think I’ve beaten depression, for now.”

I looked down at his arm with the scars carved into his arm, some fainter than the rest, others as clear as day. I was holding the hand that belonged to that arm. I lifted his hand with my own and kissed the most defined scar softly. “Are you ashamed of your scars?”

He nodded slowly. “I wish I never had cut in the first place. But it’s too late.”

I shook my head at him. “Don’t be. They serve as a reminder of the battle that you fought, that you won and are still winning every day you live on. You fought your enemy bravely, and this is the proof. As the scars fade you are living your life more and more. You are beating it, and you are winning it.” I grinned at him. “You’re brave, oppa. So brave. And I’m so proud of you.”

I felt like I was parroting what I had said to Becca, but I meant every single word.

“I want you to promise me something though,” I said, taking a deep breath. “Should the depression come and hit you again, and lash out even harder than the last, because… it happens. I know. Should it come to the point where you feel the urge to cut, or to even kill yourself, you have to call one of us. Call me. Tell me, I feel like I need to cut. Or, I’m going to kill myself. So that at the very least I can talk to you and maybe make you feel better, or at least say goodbye. Because I don’t think I could bear not saying goodbye to you. And I will take all measures to save you. Because honestly, if it comes down to your trust in me, and your life? I will choose your life. Even if it means that you will never talk to me again.”

Everyone gave in chimes of agreement.

“Call who you think will be the most help to you at the moment,” said Jongin quietly.

He nodded. “I promise.”

I smiled at him, before freezing in shock. “Um… guys? What time is it? And how late are we for our first class?”

I heard multiple people swearing from around me. “Um… should we take the day off? It’s already second period. Ha.” Sehun forced a laugh.

I grabbed my books. “See you guys at lunch!” I called over my shoulder, already running. I was not missing another day. First period was math, that didn’t matter. But music… I was not missing that. Kyungsoo was right by my side. I grinned. Music. Wasn’t it a beautiful thing?

A/N: Hope you liked that chapter!! A lot of clarification and more about Kyungsoo's past.

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~Jinny out