A/N: Trigger warning; mentions of depression, suicide, and death.

chapter sixteen: xvi. the next day

I woke up to Jungkook shaking me awake. As I yawned, adjusting to my surroundings, I realized that I was no longer in the guest room but in his car, and that we had just arrived at my school. Thanking him, I got out of the car. He got out of the car too, giving me one last hug.

“Thanks, oppa,” I mumbled into him, giving him one last squeeze before retreating into the school (I had flashed my ID and the security guard had opened the gates) with one last final wave.

It was early, thirty minutes before the first class, but as soon as I walked into my dorm, I was hit by an attack of questions.

“WHERE WERE YOU?”

“WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR?”

“Do you know how much we worried about you?”

“How could you leave only a note?”

“Your beautiful long hair!”

“What if you get EXPELLED!”

“Or worse, expelled!”

“That reference didn’t work, Suho hyung.”

While this reaction was kind of comforting, at the same time it was unsettling. I wanted some peace for today. I just needed my mind to be at rest so I could think.

“Leave her alone, I’m sure she has her reasons,” Kris’ calm voice cut threw all of the mayhem, putting me at ease.

Shoving everyone off of my bed, he gestured for me to come have some more rest. Smiling gratefully at him, I collapsed on my bed. Though I had just slept, it was not a peaceful sleep. I was exhausted.

“Now everyone out!” Kris ordered, and everyone started moving out, muttering things under their breath. Right when Kris too was about to leave, I grabbed his wrist.

“Stay,” I whispered.

Amber quickly left, muttering something about needing to get to her class early for detention. Funny, because I knew what class she had right now. Music. With Henry.

Kris settled down, sitting gently on the side of my bed. When I was sure that he wasn’t going to leave, I let go of his wrist.

After a bit of silence, I finally spoke, eyes closed. “My father’s gil was yesterday.” I rolled my body towards the wall, so he could not gage my expression.

“He killed himself four years ago. To this day, I don’t know why. He left nothing but a note saying that he was leaving forever. The police investigation showed no results. We all thought that he was happy, but then again, we all were too busy in our own thoughts and own problems that we didn’t see his. Either way, he’s gone. Mom’s probably crying in Canada, my brother’s probably out boxing his fears and angst away. He stays for the first day but he can’t deal with her crying for more than one day. I should be in Canada right now, making her some chicken stew but I’m here. And aunt needs me almost as much as mom does. And I need space more than both of them need me.”

He placed a hand on my shaking shoulder. I hadn’t known that my body was shaking from my little rant/confession until he had stopped me.

Kris began to speak. “My dad left mom and me when I was a baby. She was always alone in bringing me up, and it was always a struggle living. We were never rich; always poor in fact, and that made me more cautious in my dreams, and in what I chose to be my occupation and main money making source. At the same time, I didn’t want to leave her side. But my mom knew that I wanted to make music, to become an entertainer, an actor, and she pushed me towards it. She never once held me back, but made sure that I knew that if I ever wanted to come back, my home was there with her. That I was always welcome back. I know that it’s nothing in comparison to what you went through, but I want to tell you that sometimes you’ve got to be selfish and do what you want and need. Sometimes you need to make decisions for yourself and for no one else but yourself.”

I found myself breaking down into tears again; crying again at his words. They were the reassuring words that I had needed to hear; that reassured me that what I was doing wasn’t a terrible thing. That maybe it was the right choice. And even if it wasn’t, that it was okay. He patted my shoulder awkwardly, but it was comforting. I rolled so that I was facing him and got up from my lying position.

He held out his arms, and I leaned in, hugging him tightly. He patted me on the back rhythmically, saying soothing things into my ear. The tears dried quickly (I had already cried so much the day before) and I pulled away, managing a wobbly smile. He smiled back.

“I have math first period,” I groaned, wiping my eyes.

“I have acting,” replied Kris with a quirky grin on his face.

“I have that next term… math exam is coming up soon, though.” I made a face. “I’m probably going to fail it.”

“Its okay, Junmyeon can help you.”

“He hates math too.”

“But at least he actually does stuff in it.”

“… true.”

“Now get out so I can finish my math homework. And maybe bring Junmyeon oppa here while you’re at it so that I can copy off of him or get him to do the work for me?”

Kris ruffled my hair. “Sure. I like your new hair, by the way. You look bad-. And hot.”

I made a fist, and he grinned, backing away towards the door. He accidentally banged his head on the door, and he rubbed it, wincing. I laughed at him. “Karma.”

He rolled his eyes and walked out the door before banging his head on the door again as he jumped backwards in fright. “What are you all doing here?”

I bolted to the door, to see the other eleven of them sitting in a circle around the door, looking a bit guilty. “Well…”

They all turned to look at Junmyeon, who put up his hands in defence. “Why are you all looking at me?”

“Because you’re our leader!” they all replied in unison.

I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at them. “Junmyeon oppa, now that you’re here anyway, can you help me on my math homework? Oh, and did we get any math homework yesterday that I didn’t do? Or English homework? And did I miss a lot of the choreography yesterday? And what’d we do in Music? You know what, all of you come in because you look really pitiful sitting like that.”

They followed me in one by one, and took their respective places, some beside me on my bed, some on the floor, some on Amber’s bed, and Junmyeon and Kyungsoo on the chairs for the desks.

“I assume, by the way you’re looking at me, that everyone heard what I was talking about with Kris?”

They nodded guiltily.

“We couldn’t understand all of it, but we understood ‘father’s gil yesterday,’” said Minseok gently.

“Let me just start by saying that I was going to tell the rest of you later, anyway. And it’s not that I didn’t trust the rest of you to tell you all at once, but I really didn’t know how you’d react and I really didn’t know if I could actually tell all of you at once.”

They nodded once more.

I began to explain everything, looking at the ground. Junmyeon, who had been sitting on a chair, came to sit right beside me and grabbed my hand as I found it hard to speak and tears gathering up in my eyes once more when I expected that I was completely dry. I swallowed, and continued.

When I was finished, I didn’t know what else to say, and the room was silent. “Um… so…” I trailed off awkwardly, unsure of how I should continue the conversation.

Kai quickly intervened. “I feel like there’s something that all of us want to say to you. For me, personally… well I know it’s nowhere near the same but I lost my uncle; and I was really close with him. So I know what it’s like to lose someone who you’re close to, even though it’s incomparable to your dad or the way he died. I won’t even try to compare the two or try to pretend that I understand your feelings, because honestly I could never. But I can sympathize, and comfort. And I won’t say sorry for your loss, because I know that only makes it worse. So…”

He held out his arms and I smiled, gently letting go of Junmyeon’s hand and standing up to go forward and wrapping my arms around his lean torso. I rested my forehead on his shoulder, and dug my face into his shoulder, taking a deep breath and therefore breathing his scent in. It was a comforting smell; a smell of laundry detergent and mint shampoo. He put his arms around me in return, resting his arms a bit above my waist, probably as an effort to be polite and not ruin the moment. I smiled to myself.

“If you ever need to talk to someone about something, I’m always here,” whispered Kai into my ear. His hot breath nearly sent shivers across my spine, but I resisted.

He unwrapped his arms from around me, and I let go of him and stepped back, nodding a thanks to him with an appreciative smile.

Surprisingly, Sehun spoke next. “I… can’t even imagine the pain you must have felt, and everything you must have endured. You’re… I knew you were strong before, but… now I realize that you are really the strongest person that I know.”

I smiled at him, and he hugged me as well.

Jongdae was next. He had tears in his eyes, which was much unexpected. Jongdae was like my rock, always there to rely on to be strong. The only time I’d seen him close to tears was when he had told me that he was going to be able to walk again. Sure, Junmyeon, Lay, and Minseok, were strong as well… but they had nowhere near the same emotional stability as he did.

He walked over to where I was standing and put his hands on my shoulders, looking down in what looked like… shame? Regret? Sorrow?

“I-I’m just so sorry. I was there, I saw all of the emotional trauma you went through because of me and the accident, and now that I know what you had to have endured before… I’m sorry to have to put you through emotional trauma again. It was stupid of me that day; I shouldn’t have run with you.” The hands on my shoulders were shaking.

He was biting his lip in order to keep it from wobbling. A sob burst from his throat, and then the tears came. He hung his head low as he sobbed, letting me see only the top of his head as he cried, hands on my shoulders slipping down to my arms and eventually hanging loose by his sides.

I knew that I shouldn’t cry at a moment like this. He had been strong for me when he should have been the weak one, and it was now my turn to be strong for him. But I couldn’t bring myself to look at him without crying. I in turn put one hand on his shoulder, to help him to stop shaking. Then, with the other hand, I lifted his chin so that he would look me straight in the face. His face was distorted with sobs, and seeing it made me cry even harder. I took that same hand and put it at the back of his head, pulling him towards me so that his face was buried into my neck.

It wasn’t a romantic gesture; this was a gesture of friendship. There were some moments where romance was necessary, and this was not one of them. Besides, without friendship in romance, what was left in that relationship?

I proceeded to wrap the arm that was on his shoulder around him, so that I had one hand clutching his head to me and one arm around his shoulders.

“It’s not your fault,” I sobbed. “You saved me, oppa. You saved me.”

“You saved me,” I whispered over and over, until our sobs died down and we stopped shaking. I let go of him, and he pulled away, gulping back his last tears.

I cupped his cheeks with my shaking hands, making sure he was looking straight at me. “You saved me.” I nodded affirmatively, and he used his sleeve to wipe my neck from his tears.

Chanyeol attacked me next, hugging me tightly without a word. I hugged him back, breathing deeply as to calm my nerves and stop crying.

Baekhyun came over next, patting me on the head wordlessly, smiling at me. I smiled back. It was a broken smile, but it was a real smile nevertheless. I didn’t know how that worked, but it did.

I felt someone backhug me and froze in shock, turning me head to identify that person as Junmyeon. “I’m always here for you, okay?” he whispered, and I nodded.

He let go of me and Tao walked up to me, eyes glistening. My bottom lip wobbled. “Oh God, I don’t want to cry again.”

Watching other people cry automatically made me cry, as it did for most people. Especially when they were crying for me, or for a reason that I resonated with. In this case, it was both.

“Y-you know?” Tao muttered. “In Rome, if you were in the Legion and didn’t cry when your companion died, you were considered unmanly? Unhuman?” Just as he finished his sentence, a tear rolled down his cheek.

“And you are one of the manliest men I know,” I smiled to him, and to myself.

“And you are one of the rawest humans and most human humans I know. And that’s what makes you so beautiful,” he whispered, tucking a loose strand of my newly cut hair behind my ear. “I really like your hair, by the way. I have a Gucci bag that would look really good with it.”

I chuckled a little, before hugging him. My eyes were damp, but no tears escaped.

“I’m manly too, right?” asked Luhan next, smiling.

I nodded, grinning a bit sadly. “You may be the most beautiful man I know, but you are also one of the most manly men I know.”

“I don’t know if that’s a compliment or an insult,” he muttered into my hair as he hugged me.

“Be positive. Take it as a compliment. And hey, when was being beautiful a bad thing? Besides, you can’t make beautiful without ‘be,’ ‘you,’ and ‘full.’ Be yourself to the fullest, and that is when you are the most beautiful. And you represent that beautifully.”

Lay took my face in his hands gently and kissed me on the forehead.

“ZHANG YIXING YOU WANT TO DIE?” Chanyeol snarled.

“He’s still your hyung you know,” said Junmyeon amusedly.

Both of us ignored him, and I smiled up at him.

Minseok came next, and tugged on my short hair. “I like it. It’ll be fun to play with.”

I shot him a mock glare, before bursting into a smile. I hugged him first, and he hugged be back.

There was only one person left. Kyungsoo stood from his chair, which he had not moved from since he had taken his place there when they had first entered the room. He had not said anything since he’d entered the room, either.

He looked like he had a lot on his mind, and it occurred to me that… he was always wearing long sleeves. I had not once seen him in something that was not a long sleeve, or not wearing a sweater or jacket.

“Oppa,” I said slowly, a bunch of thoughts rushing to my head. Maybe I was jumping to conclusions, but…

He hadn’t rolled up his sleeves, not when he was cooking kimchi spaghetti for us and not when Junmyeon had been sick. And the way he had flinched, how he’d avoided my hands when I’d grabbed his hands to try to get passed him… how he flinched when any of us grabbed his hand at all.

He walked over slowly to me, looking away. I slowly took hold of his left hand-cutters tended to cut on their left arm as they were mostly right handed. He flinched, then blinked a few times and pretended that he had not reacted as he looked at the ground. But I could tell that he was fighting the urge to pull his arm away from me.

As quick as lightning, I took my other hand and rolled his sleeve up.

A/N: So, there's a bit more indepth about Jooeun and some more backstory on the others as well. This chapter's kind of a conclusion of everything that happened last chapter, tying up the loose ends, and with some other stuff additional to it.

Comment on your thoughts about this? This subject is really important to me and I would really like more people to think and consider it.

~Jinny out