Thought # 23.

There were a song i forgot about, but suddenly it came to me and i felt like the song could explain how my life changed thanks to them, thanks to him. It had the right words, the perfect words to explain how my heart felt.
I've found a reason for me, to change who I used to be. A reason to start over new,
and the reason is you. - HOOBASTANK, the reason.

[There was a room with a window with light blue curtains, from which I could see the street trees painted with the colors of the summer; leaves seemed to glow with the sun, the grass was greener, and i could see the neighbor kids enjoying their childhood out there. That soccer ball going from here to there, under their laughter. They didn't need to worry about the future, because for them all the matters was the present.

Before we go to sleep tonight

We’ll say our prayers

I’ll hold you tight

And kiss away the fears you hold inside you.

His beautiful voice came from somewhere in the house accompanied by the melody of a piano. I walked to the open door and walked down the hall. My hand swept the empty wall. I stopped at the edge of the stairs and leaned slightly against the railing. Just below there were a large black piano while Jinki protected the baby in his lap: His little head rested against his father's chest, his small hands resting on his, while Jinki made music with the piano keys and his beautiful voice. They looked so cute been together.

Through all the tears

We left behind

The joy we shared, your hand in mine

I can’t resist oooh touching you

Not even while you’re sleeping

I sat in the middle of the second step, legs bent while my white skirt covered my legs. I just sat there to hear him sing and see the most beautiful scene that my eyes have seen. The baby looked like him, his hair black as the night that was beginning to grow, and there was a smile on his face when his father rested his chin on his little head.

And forever more

I’ll be the one you come to oh honey

I’ll be the one to love you

When the morning comes

I’ll be the one to love you… forever more.

Jinki took the baby's hands and kissed his hair. The baby laughed, looking up at him.

"Can you keep a secret, Jae?" Jinki approached his ear, and when the baby turned around to look at him, Jinki left a smacking kiss on his cheek making him laugh. "Mommy fell in love with me with this song." Jinki laughed, and I laughed quietly. "I sang this song to her in our wedding and bam! She was completely in love with me. But I think you also liked it because you kicked mommy's belly when you heard my voice. Uncle Minho was happy with that because he says you're going to be a good soccer player, but you're going to be what you want to be, baby, Mommy and I will support you with any dream you have. You can be a singer like daddy or a photographer like mommy, or whatever you choose. We only want you to be a good person and fulfill the dreams that will have in the future."]

At one point in my teenager days, for as long as i took care of Julian, I felt like a mom. Maybe just a little. Perhaps only 1%. But I learned that such a life was very different, I learned that being a mother would be like living in a different world. Julian was not my son, but there was a connection between us. My love for him had not changed, but my desire to protect him strengthened during the time I took care of him. Maybe that was to be a mother, perhaps unknowingly i had kept inside me those learned lessons.

I was lying on his side of the bed, watched the rain that hit the window, and as if the cold could sneak through it, my hand went down to my belly to protect it from the world, maybe to keep it safe, she or he, in our world. I really didn't know whether it was true or didn't know if my son or my daughter was growing inside me, but neither wanted to know how disappointed i was going to be if don't.

It had only been a few hours, but i felt it was a natural love.

"Juliette?" I heard Minho's voice, and I used my elbow to lift me up. Minho was the last of the boys to come to say goodbye. I sat down and he sat on the edge of the bed. "The boys and I have to go, but I wanted to wish you... just like the others, the best when hyung and you are in the clinic." Minho sighed, his hand gently took mine. "All this makes me think of the time when you both first met, and how time seems to have passed so quickly since then. I knew from the beginning that you and hyung would end up together, loving each other, and having a family someday. But now, with this possibility, I realize that nothing is ending... this is just the beginning of something wonderful."

I was really moved by his words, and I could never put into words how grateful I was with him for taking care of me all this time.

"Come here..." I opened my arms to him, and with a smile on his face, we share a hug. "I think I could never thank you enough for everything you've done for me. You came to me as a sincere friend, and then you become a brother who i will love forever."

"You don't have to be thankful for anything, Juls, siblings take care of each other. And I will continue doing it while i live."

Minho pulled away, but before he left he pressed his lips against my forehead. When he was gone and the room was silent I lay on my back. There was a tingling in my stomach that started from a few hours ago, and in my mind there was a list of situations that could prove what we all seemed to think. But the number one topped the list and seemed to be enough for me. 1) seafood. Many years pushing the seafood platter and a few weeks ago it was what i wanted to eat most. 2) Sleep. Maybe i was confusing working extra in the company... maybe not. 3) Feeling sick. That was not mine. 4) Eat everything in sight? That was not mine either.

"Angel?" Jinki entered the room. I lay on my left side and I saw Gahul sitting moving his tail, and with a hand movement Jinki told him to climb to the bed.

"What a good dog." I his head as he lay between Jinki and me. Our puppy was 4 months old and without realizing he had grown and we were training him well, but still remained me the puppy who used to sleep under my arm when he was younger. "Every day he is bigger. I think we should prohibit him to continue growing."

Jinki his back.

"Thanks to him we are moving out sooner." And a smile appeared on his face. Maybe hyung adopted Gahul so that one day, when he grows up, you have to move into a house... Minho said that day. "Angel, I think we should leave now."

So early in the morning and we had not been able to sleep.

"Yeah. Let's go."

–––––– BEAUTIFUL ANGEL ––––––

After leaving Gahul with Jinki's parents, the air inside the car felt hot, unlike the cold that seemed to do out there. Still, a chill ran through my body. I rested my head against the seat and watched the raindrops hit the window of the car, making a slight sound with each impact.

"Ready, angel?"

I looked up from my hands and our eyes met for a moment before I looked around and i noticed we were already in the parking lot of the clinic. No. I nodded, Jinki took the umbrella of the back seat, he opened it getting out of the car and walked around. When he opened the door of my side and my converse touched the ground, I was still sitting. Suddenly my scarf was smothering me and my sweater was sticking to my body cutting off my breathing. I my lips and gave him a shaky smile.

"I am really nervous."

"I noticed that." He chuckled, because after all Jinki had shown more security. "I am nervous too. I've been up all night, all morning. We couldn't even sleep, angel. Listen... I don't want to lie and say I'm not excited, but I don't want my feelings lead me to disappoint myself if there is not a baby in your belly."

 "I..." I had many fears inside, the way in which my parents' relationship ended had been an important factor in my way of understanding the reality of life. But that was not my fear, because I knew that was not going to happen to us. My fear was simple, and yet very complicated. Maybe a life was growing inside me. "Let's go inside."

Jinki smiled; a smile that could calm any fear inside me, and he kissed my nose when I got out of the car.

We entered the clinic and follow the corridor to the elevator, and it were the longest seconds of my life. The elevator opened with a - Ding - and we were greeted by a nurse behind a desk on the top floor. Mrs. Eunha was so sweet, and we were greeted with a friendly smile as we approached, with the same smile that I received everytime I came. While Jinki was talking to her, my mind was focused on the image on the wall. It was the image of a couple holding their newborn baby.

When she began to look for something on her files, Jinki leaned toward me. He touched my hair with his nose.

"Whether it's now or later, we will also live that joy, angel, together."

I looked away from the picture and looked at him, causing my nose touched his. We could live that too, i was sure. Mrs. Eunha had always been very friendly, and i wished that her experience as a mother could somehow be transmitted to me, if the test was positive.

–––––– BEAUTIFUL ANGEL ––––––

I moved my legs forward and backward, still sitting on the sofa that was in the doctor's office. I had my eyes in my converse with pink cheeks because of the routine questions made by Jinwoo's uncle, Dr. Jo, The date of your period? What contraceptive methods used? 

"The doctor's diplomas are awesome." I looked up and laughed; Jinki was standing against the wall across the room. He watched a couple more and then he approached me and sat beside me as he put his head on my shoulder. Jinki took my hand and held it in my lap. "My parents will be happy if it happens. They always asked when we would give them a grandchild."

They had surprised me with their kindness and affection. Would be happy my parents? I squeezed his hand, probably my dad would. Mom? i just hoped Mom loves her grandson at least. The thought that Mom hated his grandson for me it was a depressing thought.

"Your parents will be great grandparents."

His parents couldn't have raised a better son. Jinki would know what to do when the time came. Everything seemed so easy from one side. But there were other aspects of the idea of having a baby that seemed not so simple. I had confused thoughts in mind that made me open and close my mouth a few times before finding a right question.

"Why are we so sure about that?"

"I dont know. I don' know if my emotion is speaking for myself, but I feel it."

"Yeah. You already told me that."

I hit his stomach slightly while i laughed softly. Dad feeling mom's pregnancy symptoms was something my brothers and I made fun of. At least my father tried a little of what Mom would have to endure in the next months.

But Jinki pouted and jumped off the couch to stop in front of me.

"That's not funny, angel. I don't know what you will do but you have to take good care of me if this continues."

"I will take care of you, don't worry." I chuckled. And then, my laughter fell into a sigh.

"A baby..." He said with a sigh and a smile formed on his face. Jinki went down on his knees, up to my belly. "I know you are there. And I promise that I will be the best father you deserve, baby." He rested his head on my lap and i his hair. "Can you hear me, baby?"

His words shook me completely, and i really hoped that Mom loves her grandson... and sobbed unintentionally.

"Angel?" Jinki looked up at me with concern. "Why are you crying, little angel? I don't like to see my angel cry."

I shook my head.

"You will be an excellent father, the best. All the love that your parents gave to you, you'll be able to give our son or daughter, if he or she is here now..." I touched my belly, my hand was shaking slightly. "Or the one who will come."

Jinki smiled and took my face, his thumbs on my cheeks.

"You are going to be the best mother in the world, you're going to love our baby with the same force you love your brother, your nephew, your family. Your mother instinct and the strength you had towards life will make you protect our baby."

I was about to answer when the door opened, showing the doctor with papers in hand. I swallowed instinctively.

"Shall we sit?" He asked with a smile as he closed the door. He walked toward his wooden desk. The room didn't look like the typical white and sterile place and at least that thought comforted me. Jinki and i sat down in front of the doctor. "Nervous?"

"Pretty nervous."

"That's normal, darling."

He glanced at Jinki and gave the same comforting smile he gave me.

"Interestingly, men who come here are more nervous than women themselves. And I speak from experience."

Jinki chuckled.

"Im not the exception."

The doctor nodded thoughtfully.

"It is obvious that there is a 50-50 chance that you both are convinced that Juliette is pregnant. In addition to the symptoms that Onew has suffered those weeks. Tell me what do you think about the possibilities of having a baby and what are your visions for the future?"

I refrained from groaning in frustration and asking him to end with my agony.

"Uncle, please don't do this to me."

Dr. Jo laughed.

"You know something, my dear... I always thought of you as a mother. My nephew always talked about the way you are, as if you liked protect others. Maybe people can not see it, and maybe you can not see it either... but believe me that few people have this aura. That will help alot in the future."

Jinki nodded.

"I see it. It's the way she worries about the rest." He looked at me and i knew he was talking about my intention to protect to Jinwoo. "Honestly, the thought that there would be a possibility that now a part of me is growing inside my wife, has touched every part of my body. I don't want to base myself alone in my desire to become a dad to say that I'm sure it will happen now, but i feel that i already love this little person even before knowing that my little baby is on the way."

I was convinced that there wouldn't be a more tender person on this planet, and i was grateful that person has chosen me. Thousands of thoughts, possibilities and questions ran through my mind. This was happening, and it seemed too unreal.

"All I know is I'm scared. I know the family that I have here will support us now, or when our baby is ready to meet us. But my only fear is... i'm afraid to not be good enough for him or her. No one will question that i will love him or her, and I will give my life for my baby..." I sighed, trying to remember my grandpa's words about caring for the family, the night I decided to lie for my brother. "I think age does not define maturity, and the only thing I have clear is that we will give he or she the life that they deserve for making us so happy."

The doctor nodded, and in his eyes could see he was pleased with our answers.

"You're right, maturity is not measured by age, but with this..." He touched his head with one finger. "That is all, are not the years of life that gives you the maturity, but how you face the challenges that this puts in your way. Well... I want to give both my blessings, and I can promise you that your marriage will not end because the bond that you have is too strong. From experience, I tell you that you will have bad times; personalities clash sometimes, but never doubt you are together for a reason, because you are made for each other. Well..." He sighed, looking at the papers in front of him and chuckled. "And congratulations, because until now, it wasn't Juliette who suffered the symptoms, it is something that we call, asymptomatic person. But  for the next months and unfortunately, Onew, a husband have bad times when they notice that they can not do much for their wifes, I assure you that."

Jinki gave me a confused look, and it was not until he began to smile, until a smile formed on his face and his eyes were crystallized, that I understood that I was pregnant. I looked at an empty spot in the room trying to process what he told me without a word.

"I know what you mean, uncle..." My heart was beating fast. "But I need you to say it."

He smiled.

"Congratulations to both of you, because you are expecting a baby."

–––––– BEAUTIFUL ANGEL ––––––

Sitting on the bed in our room, Gahul was sleeping comfortably beside me. I could hear the conversations that came from the living room. Possibly it was the first time it was so moved and noisy. 4 Members of SHINee sat on the floor of the living room with Sam and Danny, and they shared opinions at a time; Key, Danny and Sam mentioned how would dress the baby, Tae said he could teach him or her how to dance, Minho could teach him... or her how to play soccer, and Jong about teaching him how melting girls with a smile, but he begged us to have a girl.

Within hours, the boys had already bought gifts for the baby. Little things that could be for a boy or a girl.

I touched my belly and laughed. You'll have a beautiful family, baby.

"Here you go, honey." His mother, my mother, handed me a cup of tea and sat down beside me on the bed. I would never forget the union I had with my own mother, but Jinki's mom made me re-feel it. "How do you feel?"

"A little nervous."

"It's normal, darling. But this moment is so unique and special, is the first time for you, so it's normal that scare you."

"First time?" I blinked, because I knew about the pain i would feel. "After this baby, i will think about having another one. I was present the day my nephew was born... and I think I suffered more than my sister in law did."

She chuckled.

"Don't you have talked about how many babies would like to have?"

I shook my head; all we could see now was the present, the only future we talked about was for the baby that we already expect. I drank some hot tea.

"Can I tell you something... private?"

"Sure, honey." She smiled, and the warmth of her smile caught my heart. "I'm here for you whenever you need me. You can count on me for anything you want."

"Thank you." I smiled. "Jinki and I had talked about a baby while we were in America. It wasn't official or anything, we didn't decided it to a 100 percent, however, he was very excited, but although I didn't tell him this, I feel that somehow this will make difficult his singing career."

She looked at me with warm and understanding eyes, just as Jinki looked at me.

"There is never a wrong time for a baby, darling. Life is sometimes complex; when you think the time is right, something appears, and when you think it could have happened later, it turns out to be the best time. Pregnancy will not make his life difficult, on the contrary, it will make it easier. You know why? Because now he is not alone. He loves music, he lived through it, and now he's living this kind of happiness through you two. I'll tell you something; he called us when you both returned home, he said you had not slept all night and after the news, he was happy to watch you sleep. He said softly on the phone: Mom, Dad, my little angel is pregnant, we are expecting a baby. It seemed that there was no more space for happiness in his chest. You don't have to have those feelings about how it could affect his career, honey, because it doesn't compare to anything if he loses you or the baby. Okay?"

I nodded. Mom gently rubbed my back while I cleaned my face before someone saw me mourn. She smiled and wrapped her arms around me. I was very grateful to have a person i could call mother, a person I knew I could count with. We separated just when Jinki entered the room.

"Am I interrupting your conversation?"

"No, honey." Her mother said sweetly.

Jinki walked over to us and squatted in front of me.

"There's someone here to see you, angel."

For a brief moment I thought it was my brother after coming to Seoul many times. But he and the family won't come until after tomorrow.

"Who?"

"Jinwoo."

I recognized in his face that he was struggling not to say that with a bad expresion, but unlike him, I felt very happy.

"Don't pout." I pinched his cheek gently and he giggled as he rose.

"I'll tell him to come. You may want to talk alone before he flies to Paris."

"But you don't have to say that with that look, son." Her mother patted his low waist and she laughed. "It almost seems like you're suffering."

I also laughed because of the embarrassment I saw on his face.

"Mom." He complained.

"Okay. Okay..." His mother gently patted my knee, got up and walked toward the door. "Come on, son. Let's give the kids a little privacy."

"Mom, please, they don't need privacy." He grumbled. His mother stood in the doorway while Jinki took my hand and kissed it. "You have not slept since yesterday. After you talk to him I need you to rest, even for few hours."

"Okay, captain." I saluted with my free hand and laughed.

Jinki laughed too like his mother and left the room.

During the conversation we had last night, I had promised to Jinwoo that with with girls, Minha and Shin, we would take him to the airport. But now i was sure that will not seem a good idea for Jinki, but when he appeared at the door, nothing else mattered. Jinwoo entered the room with a gift in his hands.

"Congratulations, mom." He smiled handing me the gift.

"I don't know what it is, but I'm sure I'll love it." I left the gift on the bed and wrapped my arms around his waist.

As Jinki, Jinwoo was taller than me, and I felt at peace when I heard the beating of their hearts.

"Congratulations, Juliette. You are going to be the best mom in the world." Jinwoo kissed my hair and i pull away.

We sat on the bed with the gift in my legs as he greeted Gahul.

"Can I open it?"

"Please."

I took off my tie and the blue wrapping paper with little bears. The box featured a picture of a baby sleeping comfortably on a pillow in the shape of an elephant, sleeping on the elephant's belly. I opened the box and pulled the pillow, it was very soft and felt good against my skin.

"I love it, Jinwoo. Thank you so much for this."

"You're welcome, Juls. I am glad you like it. I didn't know if the baby was a boy or girl, so I bought something that would be nice for anyone. If it's a girl that looks like the mother, she will love those colors." He laughed.

I laughed too.

"We dont know what it is. But this will be perfect for the baby."

"It was a good gift for Onew. Don't you think? To know that he will be a father on his birthday... that should feel good."

"I think so, and I think I can never find a better gift than this." I put a hand on my flat stomach.

Jinwoo watched my belly for a few seconds and then looked at me.

"It's funny to think of you as a mom after we met since we were kids. I still see you as a little girl, Juls, but at the same time, you have become a woman. And I'm very happy for you, and although Onew not believe it, I'm happy for him too."

"I would like Jinki and you get along..." I hugged the pillow against my chest. "Is it too much to ask?"

Jinwoo chuckled.

"I don't know, Juls. I was the one who threatened your marriage, It was me who kissed you." He sighed. "Maybe someday Onew can forget all that, and then he and I will be..." He cocked his head. "Something like friends."

"Something like that? I guess that's better than nothing."

"Someday, Juls. Don't worry, Time will make us forget the problems we had, and then we, he and i will be here for you... well, I have to go..." Jinwoo checked his watch and sighed again. "I hope we don't say goodbye because I will come to see you on holiday and whenever i can. Perhaps one day you can work with me as an actress."

"Actress?" I giggled. "I am not an actress."

"I doubt that. You were beautiful playing Juliet in the play of your school."

"Yes, of course. Take that idea with you to Paris."

Jinwoo laughed and leaned to my belly.

"Take care of your mommy, baby. Uncle Jinwoo will bring something nice for you from Paris when I come back, but in the meantime you have to grow up strong and healthy." He sat down right and with a smile as he held me in his arms. "I'll see you in a few months, Juls."

"I'll be waiting for you, Jinwoo."

 When he left I lay in bed on my right side with the pillow in my arms; I remembered my arrival in Seoul, I thought about how much i missed him, and how quickly I was part of his life again. But he was going to be where he should be, doing what he had to do.

With my eyes closed, I felt Gahul's head resting on my waist and the movement of his tail, and after that the bed dipped as Jinki lay beside me.

"I like that pillow."

I opened my eyes and i felt eyelids heavy.

"Really?"

"Yes." Jinki chuckled as he felt my doubt in my question. "It's a nice gift for the baby."

"Yes, it is." I held it against my chest, but then I remembered that the baby wouldn't be the only one to receive a gift. "I have something for you."

"Yeah?" Jinki smiled. "A kiss? You have not kissed me in all day."

"Don't lie." I giggled. "I did kiss you."

"No, you didn't." He pouted, so i pressed my lips against his. "So what is it?"

"A gift for your birthday... another gift, actually. But you have to close your eyes."

"Okay." 

I got out of bed and walked to the closet where his gift was hidden in my suitcase. It was more than a gift, the photo album i had done was a part of me for him, so I returned to the bed and sat.

"You have to sit down, but don't open your eyes." I said. Jinki chuckled but did as I asked. I turned the album to him so he could read what I wrote at the top and pushed toward him. "Now you can open your eyes." Jinki blinked when he saw the album. "I started it the night you found my bracelet. That night I understood... that you would do anything for me."

"Anything." He said looking at a photograph.

It had pictures we had taken of us, pictures I had taken of him without his knowledge, photographs with the band. There was one of him reading another of my favorite books, and when he ran his fingers over the plastic, my heart raced.

"There's something written there."

Jinki looked at me with a smile on his lips. He was so confused, and I think so surprised too that he couldn't speak. Jinki pulled out the photograph and turned it.

I was in love with you and I was too cowardly to say it out loud, but I hoped that in my eyes you could see what my lips were afraid to say. After all, you discovered what my heart had afraid to accept. - SEOUL, March 20.

In the silence of the room, I heard the small sound his tear made against the plastic. His head was bent down, and I approached him.

"It wasn't my intention to make you feel sad."

"It's not that." He laughed, but his voice came out shaky. "Come here, angel, please."

His hand found mine and led me towards him until i was sitting on his lap with my legs around his waist.

"I think now i understand that we will be parents. Now he or she is growing inside you. It's happening, Angel, in 8 months we will meet our baby, and i'm so happy now."

I caught a tear that ran down his cheek, and with my thumbs in his cheeks, i kissed him softly.

He smiled against my lips.

"Let's sleep. Okay? You both need to rest."

"Okay." I nodded.

With me in his arms, he lay me on the bed with he next to me, and i felt Gahul's head on the waist again.

This chapter was hard to write because for days i thought my story wasn't good enough.

But then i had a message in my wall from bluestormysky. Hey, thank you! 
She just told me that she loved the story, and i realized that there are people who actually like this.
So, thank you so much to everyone who read this story ♥.