Thought # 20.

"When we are in a place where we feel we belong, it feels like paradise.

Like a little world only for us.

Like a land we can walk without fear.

When i was with my family, when i was in that place, but most important, when i was in his arms; it feels like a paradise.

His arms feel like a paradise."

I put on my woolly hat and pulled the sleeves of my sweater to cover my hands and protect them from the cold I felt in this huge place. I received fleeting glances, but some of them seemed to look through me, because they think they know what I really am even after the love triangle was gone. But even if i hadn't wanted him to return into the problem, I was glad that the effort Jinwoo made to resolve it worked. And it seemed that now I could breathe the air around me. 

Everybody lived in their own world as the line moved. 

Everything fell back into place slowly and at it's own pace. Things that were important were a priority again. But now that everything seemed fine again, i didn't want to go against our luck doing something as risky as this. However, unlike me and as the line to board the plane was shorter and shorter, Jinki seemed to be very relaxed as he bit my shoulder like a happy child. My heart was beating fast, and i couldn't believe we actually were doing this. 

"I don't know how you can be so quiet about this. Maybe we should go back to the apartment while there is still time."

"You seem to be frightened, so I don't see why I should be worry too." He chuckled against my shoulder. "It's okay, angel. There's nothing to be worry about."

"What if the manager gets upset?"

"I've already talked to him."

"And if the company doesn't agree?"

"I've already talked to them too."

"How are we going to go without luggage?"

"Boys can send it to us."

"And Gahul?"

"He is too young to fly. And my mom is happy to have him at home."

"Why you had our passports in the pocket of your jacket?"

"For a moment I thought maybe say goodbye to your family would be very difficult for you, and if you decided to go with them even for one day, you had to take me with you."

"And what if a huge storm appears and flights are canceled and we can't go back and you can't meet your schedule?"

"Well... I don't know." He chuckled again.

I dropped my shoulders.

It was only a week and one chance to take a moment away from everything around us. I wanted to feel the fresh air of the mountains, but leave with nothing... The line was shorter and a few steps away was my brother holding Julian. My family. Across the world there was one person i wanted to see even if he couldn't see me, and talk to him even if he couldn't answer me back, but i was sure that Jeremy could hear me, and he could feel the warmth of my hand every time i touched his. I missed my brother so much i just wanted to see him.

"It feels like a teenage thing, right?"

"We are not that young to do those things." I sighed, then i laughed softly to see myself acting like that. "I'm sounding like an old woman."

"You sound like a married woman, I sound like a child. But I don't want you to worry about my job, angel, you should just think about the things you're going to show me when we get there."

There was so much I wanted to show him that I didn't think I could have enough time. There were fun things to do and people to meet. We gave the tickets to the lady and walked down the corridor to the plane. With the thought that I would see my brother and feel the life that we once lived there, I felt calmer.

"I want you to meet Tristan."

"Yah. Is he another friend? I can't stand more friends."

I laughed.

"Tristan is a horse, but I consider him as a friend."

"Ah..." Jinki scratched his hair. "You should have started out there, angel. I was getting worried."

"And you should also meet Charlie."

"And who is he? A sheep?"

"A childhood friend."

"Yah!"

–––––– BEAUTIFUL ANGEL ––––––

I loved that feeling of excitement that came from the bottom of my heart to the smile on my face when my boots touched after all this time, the land that I walked while i was growing up. The stones of the path to the front door made a sound under my boots as I walked into my grandpa's arms. Behind him there was a house that was my home during my childhood days. And the trees closed around the place as a natural paradise for the Hamilton family. Maybe a broken family, but there was parts that were not separated after the fall. My grandpa used to say that our love was as strong as a stone, and it was kind of funny, but it was truth after all. 

"I missed you so much, dear." Grandpa hid me in his arms and hugged me, and his hug took me back 10 years ago. "This house hasn't been the same without you. We will make every second count, my love."

"Every second." I smiled.

Jinki came with Jason and Julian.

"Glad to see you, son." My grandpa hugged Jinki too, and I was glad that my family has also accepted him. "Thanks for taking care of my little Julie. Look at those cheeks, you've fed her well."

"Hey!" I whined.

Jason laughed like Julian with his baby laugh.

"I literally had to feed her. But we have taken care of each other." 

My grandfather smiled.

"Well said, son. Now let's go inside."

Jason took Julian in his arms and we walked in to the house.

Each room had a yellow light shining from the ceiling and felt so warm since I set foot in the entrance. The fireplace flashed from the opposite wall of the room, and to the right side and there was the dining room, while the double doors to the side showed a side of the lake. But that wasn't the main view.

"Where's my beautiful wife and my other beautiful baby?" Jason walked into the kitchen to the right after passing through the living and dining rooms. His wife Vivian held Joshua in her arms covering half of his small body with the blue blanket with pictures of ducks that I gave to her before Joshua was born. "My baby, I missed you so much."

They hugged each other.

And behind me, Jinki kissed my hair.

I couldn't see his eyes but maybe he had remembered the afternoon that he found out about the kiss and everything he said, or maybe he was thinking about the time we were ready to have a baby too. But no matter if it was the first; that had hurt but now those memories were far from our lives. And if it was the second; we both knew it would happen someday.

We all sat around the granite table in the middle of the large kitchen. Hundreds of memories passed through my mind. As always, Jinki quickly settled in the conversation and continued it. I had not yet ascended to the second floor, passing the entrance to the kitchen was the main staircase leading to there. No one had mentioned to Jeremy, knowing that I would go to see him at any time.

Every day I seemed to see him in the mirror.

But I needed to see him in person.

"It's still strange to see my sister and know that she is now married." Jason sighed. "Not long ago she went to my room because she was afraid to sleep alone..." And in his eyes I could see he was thinking whether he should say more. "In fact, the twins slept in my bed when they were afraid."

Jeremy is our brother. He had not gone, and we talked about him naturally because wherever his mind was, we would never talk about him in past tense. We hadn't lost him, and he was still with us.

"Just because we didn't want to sleep with our parents. You were more fun."

"Immature... I'd say." Vivian laughed and I laughed with her.

"That was not what you thought when you agreed to be my wife." Jason looked at her with a smile only for her, a smile that only she could know what it meant.

"I know the feeling." I giggled.

"Yah..." Jinki whined. "That was not what you thought when you said you loved me."

Everyone in the kitchen laughed. For my part, I laughed embarrassed.

"Well said, bro." Jason gave to Jinki a 5 high and both smiled in complicity.

"You two are terrible." I complained. But deep inside of me i was happy that Jinki felt so comfortable here.

"Well, well, this has been fun..." My grandfather said. "But it's late and everyone had a long flight here. You'd better rest because we have a long day tomorrow."

"And a party." Jason smiled and waved Julian's arms in the air. "Julian and I will dance all night, right?"

"Yes!" My baby laughed.

"They won't pass after 7." Vivian said to me. "Neither father nor son."

"Rude." Jason said and he laughed. "The good news is that there are two beds waiting for you upstairs."

Like me, Jinki looked at him confused.

"Excuse me?" I asked. "What does that mean?"

"What?" Jason seemed to be offended. "Did you think you would sleep together?"

My grandpa laughed with me.

"Uh... of course i did." I said without hesitation.

"Please, son." Grandpa patted his back. "The couple here is halfway to have a baby and you treat them as if they were a new couple... Let me remind you how old were you when you married."

"Okay, okay, let's go to sleep."

–––––– BEAUTIFUL ANGEL ––––––

There was a double door on the left side of my room facing towards the balcony door, and from the side of the bed I could see the mountains through them. The warmth of my own space still felt in the air. The chocolate colored carpet that covered the place combined with my white walls and seemed to glow even at night. Nothing had changed since the last time: the wall behind my bed still had the pictures I hung up. I had lost count of how many i hung there.

Jinki sat in my bed and watched them with surprise just like my dad the first time he saw them.

I was so close to it, to fulfill the dream that one day I dreamed. But it didn't matter that I had to choose another path, my dreams were still living inside me, like a flame that will never be extinguished. There was a glimmer of sadness in his eyes when I approached him. And in his eyes I could see he was sorry, as if it had been his fault. But i knew that maybe, if I had been insistent i could have gone away, and the marriage had never been done. He was so lost in the photos that it was easy for me to push him to the bed. Jinki laughed when I lay beside him and he put his arms around me. We were lying on a side, and I couldn't imagine another life than this.

"Are you happy now, angel?"

I smiled.

"Yeah. Now that we're here, no longer I understand why I was so nervous at the airport."

"See? Everything is fine. Everyone is happy, and most importantly, we are happy... Wait, I have something to show you." Jinki took out his phone from the back of his jeans. He opened a few pages, and then he put the phone in front of us. "You like it?"

One of the pages of his fan's club had posted a picture of us at the airport. I smiled to myself. i didn't know if they knew that Jinki called me angel, or they just did it because for them he was an angel too; but we were there as he bit my shoulder and I laughed, and they had drawn wings for us.

"That is beautiful. I just... I thought---"

"I don't care if they accept you or not, Angel. I love my fans, it is for them that I am where I am, but I love you more. I spent years loving music and lived through it, but since you came into my life I'm living through your love."

"I'll never be able to explain in words how much you mean to me." I said as I touched his eyebrown with one finger. "I know that I don't need to tell you either. From the moment we met, you seemed to see right through me. And all I want in the world, is you to look at me that way forever."

"Forever... I like that word."

"Me too." I put my hand around his waist and my ear found its way into his chest.

It was still early in Seoul and I couldn't be more awake.

"Aunt Julie?" Julian knocked the door.

Jinki released me while he chuckled.

"Come in, Julian."

My little baby opened the door with his little hand and walked into the room holding some pieces of clothing from his dad. I sat on the edge of the bed and took him to put him in my lap while Jinki sat beside us. 

"Dad sent this."

"Thanks, champ." He ruffled his hair and made Julian laugh.

"It is time to sleep, uncle?"

"For your aunt and me not yet, Julian. Is still early in Seul."

Julian nodded and his lips formed an O.

"But for you it is time to sleep." I said. "You better go with your mom to help you get ready for bed."

"Okay."

"Good boy. Give a kiss to the uncle." Julian got up and kissed his cheek. And that little gesture made him smile. Then Julian approached me and gave me a peak on my lips.

"Yah! Don't do that in front of your husband."

Julian laughed. But before leaving the room, Julian turned to us.

"Aunt Julie... Is there a baby in your belly?"

I was surprised and looked at him unsure how to respond.

"Not yet, Julian." Jinki said. "Would you like to have a cousin, champ?"

"Yes." He answered, full of joy.

"We must do what he says, angel." Jinki said smiling cheekily at me.

"If I let you live today, I'll think about it." I patted his shoulder playfully making him laugh.

"Aunt Julie... you both would be the best parents for the baby."

When Jinki looked at me for a second, I knew he was very surprised as I was. Julian, in all innocence, made us be in silent. As he left, I thought that my brother had done a great job raising his son, he was a great father, and Julian was the perfect son. But when I looked at Jinki and his expression, he was not as happy as he should be.

"There's something I really need to tell you, angel." But he couldn't look at me, and all I saw was his profile. "It's here in my chest and it's hurting me."

My eyebrows came together for concern.

"What is it?"

"I deeply regret what I said that night, about our baby." Jinki dropped his gaze. "It happened so fast and i went from running to where you were after Jinwoo told me what really happened that night, to not letting you go of the dorm, and I apologized to you about how I behave, but... but i didn't apologized for the things i said about the new life that we could create."

Despite his apology was serious, I was beginning to blush just to mention a baby.

"Don't take it personally. Okay?" I got close to him and lifted his chin with a finger and his eyes met mine. "I was the one who started the fuss, I forced you to react that way, I also said things i regret, so let's forget about them." 

He bit her lip before answering, looking at me with a concerned expression.

"Its not that easy. Maybe I could do what I said, let the music go and have a normal life. I don't want to do two things at once if I don't do them well. Now you are the most important thing to me, and I want to be sure that the life we have is the best. Maybe we can have the honeymoon we never had. Tell me where to go and I'll take you there."

So many places I could name, but the place i wanted to go when i wanted to escape from my life had never had a specific name.

"Far away..." I finally answered. "Anywhere, as long as you be with me. But listen, you've fought so hard to be where you are, and you're going to hurt and deprive millions of people who love your voice if you stop singing. Your voice brings happiness, it's beautiful because you sing from your heart, so don't do it. And to make it clear at once, now i say to you; forget that idea. I'm warning you."

"Are you ordering me?" Jinki cocked his head and looked at me with curious eyes.

"Yes." I said without hesitation.

"I like that." Jinki smiled mischievously, but quickly his face turned serious again. "Did you ever think... at what age would you like to be a mother?"

"Well... the truth is..." I chuckled, a little bit sad. "After what happened in my family, it made me realize that I really want to feel that I deserve to have a family. I have no idea how that feeling is but i think i wanna feel I'm ready for it... and you?"

"Did you watch Hello Baby?" He asked and I nodded. "I always looked for a way out when i was near a baby, I was afraid to hurt him, but I think I've progressed. And all I know is that I will love our baby with all my heart. But if Jae arrives early to our lives, I wouldn't mind that at all."

I tried not to look surprised. It was my imagination? Did he heard me saying that name out loud?

"What... what did you say?"

He smiled.

"Is not that a cute name? I like that; Jaeyoung. Lee Jaeyoung. It sounds perfect."

I nodded. I wondered how Jae would look like, and I noticed that it had hurt me what he said that night. But that was in the past, this was the present.

He exhaled deeply.

"Are we really thinking about it, angel?"

"Apparently we are." I laughed softly.

I held his face in my hands and he approached to me. His lips touched mine and we lay on the bed. I could feel all his love in the way he kissed me. His hands roamed my body as we made love.

His tense breath against my lips. The way his body moved against mine.

Sam and everyone who agreed to the marriage were right, I just had to give him a chance, i just had to give me a chance to be happy. I was still in a process of change, and I knew I still had a long way to go if i would like to be the person I was. But life was about fall and stand up again, clearing the dust of my knees and keep walking. For a moment I thought my life had no meaning, and yet someone came to give it one. There was a time when I thought my heart couldn't go on, but he made it work again. I thought I had given my last breath, but he breath for me. He made me breathe again.

I put on my pajama shorts and a t-shirt, my ugg boots that Key hated so much and got out of bed. By this time everyone was asleep. My brother's room was next door, and i walked there in silence. Thousands of milles between us, but that dream in which he was all this time had separated us even more. While in my dream he was so close to me, and so far away at the same time. And now we were just steps away.

I closed my hand around the knob and opened the door.

The sound of the machine connected to his body seemed to say that my brother was still alive. But I knew that his heart was still beating for itself, and someday his heart would beat unaided to something. Nothing had changed in his little world, even if now there were machines that didn't belong to the place.

His room was the same. The posters and the guitar, the photos on his desktop and his laptop on it.

I sat on the edge of the bed and held his hand. His hair had grown since the last time I saw him, and it fell on his face, and his closed eyelids seemed to move. How often I was here wanting for him to open his eyes? Wishing to see that slightly smile that i missed so much?

"My little brother." I giggled. I know you can hear me. "No matter what you say, I'm older than you by minutes, but I'm still the older. So much it has happened since I met him, Jeremy. You like everyone were right; It took me a while, I know, but he and I gave us a chance, and now I wish you could see me. I know you would like him, Jeremy, Jason considers him his brother. And Julian is delighted with him. I really don't know where I would live if i continued refusing to marry, but now I know what I want to do, all thanks to him." I lay beside him and hold his hand, and I knew he could feel my heat. "Even Ji ... mom and I had something like a talk, after discussing the previous night, but I felt I could finally finish that chapter of my life. It is not supposed that the children do that to their mothers, but that seemed the only chance for me to move on with my life." And the time ran without my noticing. "It would be more fun if you could answer me. I know that you can hear me, i can feel it. But I'm going to wait for you, Jeremy, no matter how long it takes me."

When I left the room, Jinki was sitting against the wall of the corridor. He was smiling, so sweet.

"I was waiting for you, angel."

"I thought you were asleep."

"I was, but then I noticed that you were not by my side. And if you were not there with me, I knew you'd be with your brother."

"You are not jealous, are you?" I squinted at him.

Jinki laughed as I extended my hands to help him to get up, he stood up, and when he was in front of me he hid me in his arms.

"I can be jealous of many people, but i never could be jealous of the love for your brother."

"Of many people?" I pulled away while laughing. "Millions of girls are in love with you, Mr. Popularity. There is one person who was in love with me."

Jinki complained.

"But I am the only one, right?"

"Yes, you are the only one." I hid my face in his neck. "Would you like to meet him?"

"Your brother, angel?"

My arms held his waist firmly.

"Yes."

"Of course."

When we came in, I knew it was a good idea. Without explaining anything, Jinki just knew how to talk to my brother.

"You have no idea what I did to win her love, Jeremy. Your sister is the most stubborn person I've ever met. I swear, I did everything..."

–––––– BEAUTIFUL ANGEL ––––––

I didn't know Jinki slept on the couch when I moved in. During that time I thought he was sleeping with one of s.

"Now I feel bad."

Jinki chuckled against my back. Been sitting in the kitchen took me to the first night in the dorm; that night I couldn't sleep and we shared a glass of milk as we talked. Now this night was like that, only now i was sitting on his lap.

"It's okay, angel. You had to have your own room."

"But you were not supposed to sleep on the couch either."

"It was worth it, totally. Now I can sleep with you."

I laughed too. All was worth it.

"Jinki... Do you want to go to the lake? When it gets dark the moon shines on the water."

I felt the cool air on my face when Jinki opened the double doors leading to the huge backyard. Nature couldn't be more beautiful, and see it up close reinforced my thinking; this was better than living in the city. The trees on the sides moved under the gentle rhythm of the wind and the lake water rocked quietly on a moonlit night.

"Come on." Jinki took my hand and we went down the small hill to the dock.

There was history in every place we look. Everything here meant something to my grandfather. It wasn't only a big house, this was his first home and where his life began.

We stopped at the dock.

"This place is beautiful, angel. No matter where you look, everything is beautiful."

"It is. right? My grandpa made it." I looked around. Besides the house there was also a barn. "All this beauty is thanks to him."

"What do you mean?"

"I thought my dad had told you about it... because apparently he told you about me."

"Are you upset?" He laughed and hid his face in my neck. His lips on my skin made me smile. "Don't be upset, angel. Please, please." I wasn't upset and he knew it. "Come here. Let's sit down and tell me that story."

Jinki sat down first and he sat me down between his legs. The moon shone in the highest, and as I said, it's light shone in the water.

"When Grandpa was young, his parents died in an accident and he was left with nothing. Literally. But all he was able to keep was that fighting spirit that everyone in the family can still see now that... he is fighting his disease. He worked at any job he found; There were days when he didn't sleep, days without eating, especially days when he thought no longer worth to live... until he met a beautiful woman named Jazzlyn."

"Your grandmother."

"Yes, my grandmother. She was wonderful, lovely and so sweet. And my grandfather just loved her from the first moment he saw her. With black hair like the night, her eyes were shining, and her cheeks were a soft pink, and her personality; simply adorable: he describes her that way."

"I think you look like her, Angel."

"Me? No." I chuckled. "So far there has not been a person like her. She was the daughter of the man who offered my grandpa a job as a bricklayer. And even with his work clothes that was dirty, with dirty hands from the dust, she fell for him too. Because under that appearance, my grandmother met a man who shines. She really saw him... like you saw me." Jinki kissed my hair, and I could feel him smile. "But that man was about to kill my grandfather when he knew he wanted to be with his daughter. A poor worker could never be with his princess, but he showed that he deserved her."

"And what did he do?"

"I'd rather continue the story tomorrow." I joked.

"Don't you dare do that to me, angel."

I laughed as he pulled me closer.

"My grandpa built the house behind us with his own hands." Jinki pulled away a little and i knew he was surprised. "It is not a joke. He put all his savings in this area, and took long, but finally he managed to build a castle for his princess. He said that to that man. After that everything was simple, and with a home like this, grandpa knew he could be an architect. And that's how Jonah Hamilton got the girl and became the man he is today."

"It's the most amazing story I've heard, angel. I already had great respect for your grandfather, but now I feel admiration for him. And you know something? I feel that their story has a strong resemblance to ours."

"Yeah. I thought so too." I leaned back against his chest and his lips gave me a welcomed.

Happy belated birthday to the person who stole my heart many years ago with a beautiful voice and a lovely smile.

Lee Jinki.

A real angel who fell from the sky to become a great leader, an amazing singer and an important person to all the MVPs in the world.

It doesn't matter where we are from, or our languages, i think our hearts speak better than us when we see him singing, talking, smiling, laughing.

This story is dedicated to everything we see on tv About him.
And yes, maybe we do not know him at all.
But i don't think he fakes that beautiful smile.
Maybe he hides his feelings because he's a leader.
But i'm sure he's sweet and funny... and a great person too. XOXO -v.