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The 1st Handful of Love

It was nearly 10pm and I was coming home from the hospital from getting my second dialysis of the week. This was the first time I was home this late and I was quite scared coming home alone because it was October, and it was dark.

I slipped off my heels but kept my jacket and scarf around me. Putting on a pair of slippers, I smiled before heading to the kitchen to see what food was in store for me today. Every morning my mom would send someone to deliver food to me because I was busy, but most of the time, I had my dinner at her house.

I heard some noises coming from the kitchen and I cautiously walked towards the door. I stopped to grab a hard object in sight and in this case, it was an umbrella. Not exactly hard, but it sure was long enough for me to attack from a distance!

I crept in with the umbrella in front of me, holding it with both hands and I was slightly shocked when I saw Donghae turn around. My hands were getting sweaty and they were shaking. It had been almost two weeks since I’d seen him. He was staring intensely at me as he ate the slice of pizza in his hand.

“Why are you holding the umbrella? It’s not raining outside.” He took another bite out of his pizza and I gulped. This would be the second time he initiated a conversation with me, it used to always be me nagging him but I gave up on winning his heart when he left two weeks ago. It just wasn’t going to happen.

This wasn’t a twisted drama where Donghae and Yuri fell in love, but along came the evil Jessica (which I was not evil back then…) with an arranged marriage, Donghae ended up with the evil Jessica and he gradually fell in love with her. All true, except he loathed me, not loved.

“I… I… thought there was a thief…” I said. No, seriously, I did.

He rolled his eyes and I gulped again, looking all over the room but my attention kept going straight back at him.

“Where were you? You’re pretty late. It’s almost 10pm.” He said, and I bit my lip.

“I… was out with a… a… a… friend. With Siwon!” I said, trying to sound convincing. I walked closer to him, but he was backing away. “I’m just getting pizza.” I put my head down and grabbed a slice as he started making his way out the room.

“Wait!” I said, turning around to face him. He looked back at me with eyebrows raised, “Don’t ‘wait’ me. Next time, come back earlier instead of being with another man so late. Goodness knows what you do with him.” I heard him curse me when he finished his sentence and it hurt. I forced a smile.

“Sorry…”

“So what did you want?”

“I… I… I… I wanted to ask… where… how are you?” Damn myself! I didn’t want to ask that! I wanted to ask where he had been for the past two weeks. He never listened to me when I spoke to him, maybe he did hear me – but he sure wasn’t paying attention to what he was hearing. Not once. He’s never acknowledged me, which amazed his friends when they “saw a huge development” into our relationship when in fact it was all acting. Those were the moments I actually treasured even though it was fake.

He just stared at me after I asked the question and I started to find something to do so I took a bite out of my pizza.

“I’m fine. Sunny and Taeyeon are coming over tomorrow morning, they want to go shopping. Are you free?” He asked. My eyes slowly widened and my heart was beating irregularly again. This was the first time he asked me something like that, although we did go out with his family and friends, never my friends but my family, he never directly asked me face to face. He used to write it down on a post it note and placed it on the fridge for me.

“Y…Yeah, I’m free.” It was Sunny and Taeyeon, they were his younger twin sisters. They were ridiculously sweet to me and most of the time, Donghae would give me ‘the eye’ to stop getting close to them but I got closer on purpose to make him angry. I’m not that nice, I’ve said that before… haven’t I?

With that he turned around and left. “You have pizza sauce on your lips…” I said so quietly, I could barely hear myself. I noticed it when I realised it was him. Now that I think about it, this was the first time I can consider we ate together without putting on an act.

My tears were falling down my cheeks when I realised how much he must have hated me again. The one year that I spent clinging onto him but to have him push me away mentally and physically… the one year that I spent trying to make him even glance at me but to have him avoid me more… and the one year where I would sit outside the guest room, which was his bedroom, listening to his conversations with Yuri every night.

The image he had of me was what I really wasn’t. I wasn’t clingy, I just wanted to spend time with him. I didn’t like every gorgeous man I saw, except him. I didn’t sleep with Siwon or any other guy for money, I’m not a e. Most important of all, I wasn’t a strong woman. I was weak, mentally, physically, and health-wise, I’m pretty healthy, just… cancer… yeah, whatever. I have Kidney cancer, which is why I go to the hospital twice a week to wash out my blood but only me, my parents, Heechul and Yoona, my best friend, knows. The rest don’t know about it, they all just know of my doctor, Choi Siwon who is a close friend I “often visit” and to Donghae, I’m some kind of rich **** that plays with Siwon when in fact, Siwon is my doctor and though I know he sees me more than a friend, I only see him as a friend and doctor.

My phone started beeping and I pulled it out. It was an alarm. It was telling me it was Donghae’s birthday in 2 hours. I sighed when I heard the front door shut. Just as I thought I could indirectly spend his birthday with him, he had to ruin it by going off. Probably to Yuri. I just don’t get why he chose her over me, Yuri has never put in as much effort to get or keep him as I did. So, I admit I didn’t use the best methods – but still! I tried! Now, I’m just really going to give up on him – he’s not worth it anymore. But I’ve been saying that throughout the year, and look at me – I’m still in love.

I realised the ring on the table beside the pizza box and wiped the tears that were going to fall again.

“Stupid Lee Donghae! You’re so mean! How can you hurt me so much and mean to do it? You knew I’d see the ring! It’s not even indirect anymore! You do it on purpose and you think I don’t care? You’ve made me realise how much you hate me, I realised a long time ago!” I crouched down and cried in my knees as I pulled them closer to me. “You evil man…” I mumbled. I wiped the tears away when I felt my phone vibrating.

I picked it up and checked the caller ID. It was Yoona. I straightened up and tried to sniff but my nose was blocked. Picking up the phone, I placed it by my ear.

“Hello?” I said.

“Jess? Have you been crying?” She said and I shook my head. Oops.

“No, I haven’t…” I said, “I’ve… I… I’ve caught a cold!”

“I know when you’re lying and I can tell you’ve been crying! What did Donghae do this time? Did he hurt you again? Argh! Seriously! I’m going to beat him up tomorrow for hurting you! Are you okay? What did Siwon say this time? Once again, I’ll beat Donghae up when I see him tomorrow at his birthday celeb-“ She stopped talking and I could imagine she covered because she just blurted out him having a birthday celebration. “Anyway, why are you crying? Seriously! If he hurt you… oh, he’ll face the wrath of it all!”

Now that I think about it, Yoona is the only person other than me and Donghae who knows about our true relationship. No one else knows.

“I’m fine, Yoona. He didn’t… hurt me and Siwon said I’m fine, but you know… the usual, how dialysis makes my cancer grow faster… the usual stuff.”

“Okay, okay. Well, how about I meet you tomorrow morning?”

“I’m going out with Taeyeon, Sunny… and… Donghae.” I went quiet when saying Donghae, but I’m sure she heard anyway.

“Alright, call me when you’re finished because I want to go with you to see Siwon tomorrow. He said he needed to tell you something and you might need a friend with you or something…”

“Oh… okay. Will do! But aren’t you celebrating Donghae’s birthday tomorrow?”

“He can wait, my Sica is more important! Alright, bye my sweet Sicaaa~!”

I laughed. “Bye by chocolate Yuri~!” When she hung up, I sighed.

Donghae’s birthday celebration… what excuse is he going to make to explain my absence? In reality, he just didn’t want to spend any of October 15th with me, not even a second. He’s probably going to spend time with his friends, and then leave to spend it with Yuri with the excuse that he’s spending the remaining time with me and then come back the next morning. I sighed. It was October 14th, today is Wine Day. A day where I’m supposed to drink wine with someone special, instead – I think I’ll spend it with my teddy bear that Donghae unwillingly bought in front of everyone for my birthday along with a necklace.

Actually, why be so depressed? Why am I always the one to be upset when he’s having fun? I’m going to hit the club right now! I started smiling and I finished my slice of pizza before covering the remainder left and ran upstairs to get changed.

Club, here I come! I’m riding solo~!

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Thank you to sicabias, reyn26, sneang17 and choki2lovejessi for subscribing!

choki2lovejessi: It's alright! Well, here's the first chapter and yes, it is indeed a one sided love... which is pretty sad for Sica though.