What Bullying Really Does To You by soupandcrisp123 and pilsuk123

The title

I’m not sure. I have nothing against it and it relates to the story, but at the same time it gives out quite a lot. It sounds a bit dull to me and personally it doesn’t interest me. Though, I can see your reason for choosing it. I’m sure you can think of something better and more eye-catching while you keep writing. Think about it, if you are satisfied with this title then keep it but if you do come up with something better then change it. I’d change it. 

The description:

Two years ago I had friends,

Two years ago I was happy,

Two years ago I used to smile,

Two years ago I was loved,

                                        . . . . . . . . . .and now I'm ashamed to say my name is Xi Lu Han  

Stop here. This is enough. This is eye-catching and makes the reader wonder what happened. It’s intriguing. The main character is Luhan and he is crushed but why? You can reveal Luhan being gay in the first chapter; give the reader a reason to go on with the story.

The first lines were from the trailer and you have the trailer up, so no need to repeat. By the way, They're my last words. --> these are my last words.

The foreword is for you to talk about yourself, credit people etc so don't add any excerpts from the story there. 

The following paragraph, I'd heartlessly delete it. It gives away too much and you write about that kind of things in the story all the time, anyway. If you must have it in the description then you could squeeze it into something shorter to have more impact on the reader because sometimes less is more.

1. All I can feel is pain. Torment that cripples my thoughts; sending ripples through my dreams. My mind is clouded with memories of us and images of you. My eyes are blinded with tears, drop after drop. Can’t you see my pain? Can’t you hear my heart-shattering, tearing apart mercilessly? You scar me, breaking down my barriers. You resent me, breaking me down; making me crumble. It took one secret to get to where we are, one secret for you to hate me. One secret for everyone to turn against me. I feel numb, tired and exhausted. You’ve left me hurt, lonely and betrayed, but I can’t stop loving you. I love you Oh Sehun. Please don’t forget that – Luhan.

2. Random example: It took one secret to get to where we are now, one secret for you to hate me, and all I can feel anymore is pain. Even so, I can't stop loving you. Tears, torment, heartbreak - Sehun, I never blamed you, I understand, I know... please understand me too, please... don't forget me. 

Characters

I think that, at this point in the story, enough has been revealed about Sehun. We know how he met Luhan and we know that he doesn't really hate Luhan, he just tries to please his girlfriend and he is insecure about his own position. He even tried to stop the messages and he was really shocked when he found out about the whole severity of Luhan's situation. Even during the lesson he held Luhan's hand to give him support. There are enough details to show us that he indeed cares. “This is why I can’t be friends with you; you always get me involved in your . You almost made me break up with my girlfriend!” - this is his problem.

My problem with Sehun is the way he speaks and acts, harshly and violently vs kind and caring. The way he reacts to Luhan gives the impression that it's indeed easy for him to let go. The way he speaks makes him seem bipolar, first he goes all out cussing and yelling and then he treats Luhan good and hugs him. If you tone down his lashing out and make it cold, calm and collected instead of explosive, then it would make more sense. Since Sehun doesn't really hate Luhan and wants to desistance himself then make him passive aggressive, hostile but distant. Once in a while, he could lose his temper and say something really harsh but keep that to minimum. Make him seem like he regrets something, like he is holding himself back, like he is struggling too. Right now, his personality shifts a bit too much from one edge to the other, so try to find a balance. 

I'm a reader and I don't know what Sehun is thinking, but you as a writer know, so give me a reason to believe in him. Make me see the good in him through Luhan. And Luhan believing blindly in him doesn't cut, it's not enough and it just makes me pity Luhan more. If you describe Sehun's facial expressions a bit more (subtly describe his wavering emotions) during those angry moments that would make some difference already. But overall, try to find the middle between his hate and compassion. Don't make him shift too much. 

Example of what I mean (revised version of chapter 12 end):

“What’s taking you so long,” Jessica asked, poking her head from behind the door.

“I’m trying to get rid of him, that’s all” Sehun replied. The sudden change in his demeanor confused me and I just stood there staring like an idiot.

“Sehun,..”

“Jesus, don’t you have any self-respect?”

“What?”

“Jess, can you call a taxi for him?” 

Why are you ignoring me?

“Sehun! Please, look at me. Listen to me!” I cried out to no avail.

“The cab will be here in a few moments,” he said nonchalantly, already walking back towards his house.

“Sehun!” I grabbed onto his arm.

“Get off me!” he snapped.

When I didn’t let go his brows furrowed and his lips twitched. Sehun please, don’t look at me like that. He tried to shake me off (and finally swung his fist at my face). I saw despair flashing in his eyes. I saw that I was making him uncomfortable yet I couldn’t let go, not until he forced me off of himself.

I lifted my hand up to my cheek as I watched him walk away. I watched his back move further and further away from me. I wanted to call him, but the words just dissolved in my mouth. I wanted to stop him, but the energy just left my body. I wanted him to come back, but I knew it wouldn’t happen. Instead, I started walking away. I didn’t need a cab to get home, I couldn’t afford to get a cab home; not that he needed to know that. I turned around to look at him as we made eye contact one last time. We were two worlds apart and deep down I would always know that.

Sehun ah… Sehun…

Not only did you shatter my heart,

But you shattered the whole of me tonight.

Luhan

I have to admit that I got totally into Luhan's world. He seems mentally unstable to me and I guess that's completely normal in his situation, often he is totally detached from reality too and seems to be living in his own mad world. It's actually fascinating, I really like this character you have created. But Luhan is very dramatic sometimes and it makes me think about those Korean dramas when actors overact. He definitely rambles in his thoughts and at times, it gets repetitive. But this is "easily" fixed, read your story again and cut off sentences from here and there. Everything what feels even a little bit extra, trim or rewrite it. I know this might be hard especially when you have put a lot of effort into writing but sometimes less is better. Luhan is suffering, he is breaking into pieces and we can see & feel that, you don't need to repeat the same thing all the time with one paragraph after another. Try to have better consistency. For example, give each chapter a theme, split his pain into different subcategories.

I don't mean that you should now go back to the chapters and delete half of them, what I mean is that go into detail once, go real deep and once is enough (a theme). If you want to repeat some feeling then word it differently and use different situations to bring out different aspects of the feelings and how they affect your characters. Luhan is repeating that he loves Sehun so many times it starts to become annoying. He also rambles and rambles about his father, going back and forth. All that rambling soon becomes repetitive. If you trim his interactions with his father down to the core, with the most important things taking place, it would make the story so raw and palpable. You are really good at writing and there are moments when you literally the reader in so the encounters with his father could be like stabs in the reader's heart with less talking and more feeling, short and powerful.

What I mean is... have you ever tried to cut a tomato with a dull knife then changed to a sharp knife? You know the difference, right? I think that's all your story needs, a sharp knife. The tomato is delicious in itself, your ideas, characters and the whole story are awesome, now sharpen the knife and slice the tomato beautifully!

One thing that really got to me was Luhan's obsession with Sehun. Sometimes it goes overboard, he is just way too obsessed for it to be healthy anymore and I worry about his mentality, he acts like he has lost his mind. If this was your intention then okay but if no, how about toning down his obsession a little? He is suffering from an unrequited love but so do we all, at some point in our lives. I understand that it's hard for him to control himself sometimes, but he keeps repeating how he wants to stay friends with Sehun and how he is going to find a cure for his "illness" and then... he does something crazy. 

He loves Sehun, but if he wants to stay friends maybe it's better to tone down his emotions a little, make him at least try to be friends without the hugs or holding hands (make him try so hard that he will even go as far as breaking his habits). He seems to understand that he is just making everything worse by being so close to Sehun and if he understands then maybe he should keep his distance and stop with intimacy for a while, just try to be a friend and not a “gay freak”. Then again, if you want him to slide into insanity then make it happen gradually, chapter by chapter, and don't make him shift so much back and forth between I want to be friends and I love Sehun so much I lose all my self-control. Right now, Luhan is making it easy for Sehun by acting creepy. Imagining myself into Sehun's position I'd probably act the same way and I'd admit Luhan to a mental hospital. You need to tone Luhan down a little and find a proper middle for him, just like with Sehun. Don’t go to the edges so much because that’s what’s called stereotypical.

I also want to mention about that “” kiss. Perhaps it was meant to be a disgusting scene but no matter how tightly someone sleeps, if they get kissed like that they will wake up unless they are dead. Most of the time Luhan’s love is portrayed as foolish and innocent; at least that’s how I understood it. He just wants someone to be there for him, so I don’t really see how that can escalate to "ual harassment". Perhaps just a kiss on a cheek could be enough and appropriate in that situation? Luhan is also wary of how Sehun thinks of him, so that should make him wary of his actions too. Sometimes his thoughts and actions clash really bad and I advise you to think about these things while rereading your story. If you want to portray how madly Luhan is in love with Sehun then it’s better if Luhan is afraid of touching him. He loves so much and he knows that one touch could ruin everything, so if he brought his hand to Sehun’s cheek he’d pull away the last minute, afraid to be misunderstood and judged.

But I still love Luhan in this story and I can't get enough of him, he is beautifully crazy (just my view of him). He is flamboyant and courageous but battered and wounded. If only he had a chance he could shine brighter than anyone. I don't want to influence you or anything, but I think it would be so wonderful if he somehow got over his depression and overcame the bullying. I wish he found himself anew and instead of taking revenge or something he'd just be happy. It would be such a waste of a character to kill him in the end. But this is just my opinion and you don’t need to listen to it. I was just thinking that bullying can either destroy you or then make you stronger. But I won’t say anymore, it’s your story and you should write it like you have planned.

Oh right, I got this idea while reading your story. If Luhan was the one who helped Sehun talk then how about now Sehun becoming the one who makes Luhan "mute"? It would be such a perfect contrast, Luhan was the one who taught Sehun about the real friendship and Sehun was the one who broke it. So how about Sehun makes Luhan into himself of the past? How about Luhan starts talking less and less and closes himself in his own painful realm? This is just a random idea though, and I can see that it might not fit into your story that well since Luhan is so strong. Even though he is weak he is strong and I even respect him. When he got drunk and went to confess to Sehun that was just... I have no words; it was so crazy and perfect. But anyway, I want to encourage you to think more, you have original ideas so I wish you could add more of those to the story.

This brings me to Kai. I really like him already, obviously... It's nice that he is the opposite from Sehun and it's good to know that Luhan will have at least some support. But I also like the fact that Luhan doesn't trust him immediately, that he chose Sehun over Kai in chapter 12 no matter what. Luhan is loyal even if that breaks him. I’m kind of anticipating to see jealous Sehun, haha.

Language:

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against cursing, but I feel like the harsh words Luhan’s classmates often use (ing , etc) take away from the impact instead of adding. When there is too much coarse language it becomes numbing. I’ll give you an example, in my school we had a guy who got bullied for being gay even though he wasn’t gay. People didn’t call him , gay, homo very often, instead the bullying was subtle and thus ten folds harsher. For example, we had to write a short story about what we did during summer and boys read his story which began with “Me and dad woke up in the morning and went fishing” and that’s when everyone started smirking sneakily and snickering

Oh so you slept with your dad, so how was it?

We knew you were that kind of a guy.

It’s obvious by the way he walks that he likes guys.

Let’s read more it’ll probably get better.

What are you looking at? Did you fall in love?

This might sound childish but bullying is and adding curses will make it sound even more childish. It’s more like people try to avoid saying that word because that’s what disgusts them the most. Of course, using , gay, homo, etc is appropriate once in a while but only when the situation escalates or when people are gossiping behind his back, saying that kind of words into someone’s face is hard even for the bullies. Sometimes you made bullying very realistic and believable, but at times the harsh language was a turn-off. Use it less and it will have a greater impact.

Dialogues:

I would like you to pay extra attention to your dialogue tags. Here is a random example of what I mean:

Before:

“I feel bad for not knowing,” he said in a muffled voice.

“It’s not your fault babe, don’t be so hard on yourself,” she told him, (we already know that she is talking to him) hugging him tighter while I stood and watched the scene unfold in front of me.

“You just have to choose between me and him,” he pulled back from her, tear drops in his eyes.

“Choose?” he asked. (we already know that he is asking)

“You can either be his friend or my boyfriend,” she told him, giving him the ultimation. I could see the torn expression on his face as he took her words into consideration.

“You know I love you,” he told her, stuttering.

After:

“I feel bad for not knowing,” he said in a muffled voice.

“It’s not your fault babe, don’t be so hard on yourself.” She hugged him tighter while I stood and watched the scene unfold in front of me.

“You just have to choose between me and him.”

“Choose?” He abruptly pulled back with tears in his eyes. (adding ‘abruptly’ adds the feeling that he is surprised, maybe even shocked)

“You can either be his friend or my boyfriend.”

I could see the torn expression on his face as he took her heavy words into consideration.

“You know I love you. You… I…” he muttered hesitantly, running a hand through his hair.

The Story

I have to say that I really like your story. I have skimmed through it before but never paid much attention, now that I read it properly I realized that it's really good, just needs some polishing here and there. I like Luhan, Sehun, and Kai and I like it how the secondary characters have been left in the background.

Overall you write well, but sometimes Luhan's angst gets a bit out of hands and sometimes it's slightly repetitive. You need to work on your dialogues and presentation. I like your writing style, but I think it can get so much better with some small changes. Overall the vibes are good. What you want to say, you bring that out in the story very well and the message rings clear, but I feel like your story needs some sharpening around the edges. My suggestion is for you to be more subtle and sensible because the theme you picked is very delicate and Luhan is a delicate character. If you tone him down a bit and, instead of making him bluntly state everything and accept everything, make him waver more. Instead of telling what he thinks, try to describe through his actions more. Even though he is the narrator give him some moments of silence. If you bring out his delicacy and innocence more the harsh world around him will also become more powerful and glaring. Create deeper contrast, also between his delicacy and strength.

Well, I can imagine Luhan trapped in his own little world and I almost feel what he feels. You do good job bringing your characters to life, but you hardly describe the world around them, you do at times but very briefly (this makes them seem like they live in a bubble). How about describing the weather and how it affects Luhan's mood or how his gloomy mood contrasts with the good weather, this will help you bring even more contrast between him and the rest of the world. Make him notice random things like a torn poster on the wall (torn like his heart). Think about yourself, when you take a walk you do pay attention to details, what do you see and what do you think? This all would add more of you in the story and help it stand out more.

Here is one example. I will try to summarize my thoughts in it.

The beginning of the story.

I think I can guess why you begun the story like that with a bang. You went straight into Luhan's soul. He is scared, insecure, abused and completely alone. But “You’re such a useless .” this is a very powerful first line for a delicate story. It throws off right away because we don't know what kind of person is saying this, we are unfamiliar with the situation too. Okay, it's a drunk father and drunk people blabber all kind of things, but instead of affecting me in the right way Luhan's father and his insults seemed so superficial (rang hollow) and lacked any meaning. Compared to him Luhan sounded like a 4 years old boy, your Luhannie. 

Probably Luhan's father is also traumatized by how Luhan turned out. He can't accept gays and his wife died too, choosing Luhan over him. He is so miserable he can't stop drinking (but we don't know that yet, we don't know his pain yet or where the words he speaks stem from). The point here is that Luhan's father is angry and he hates Luhan, at least at this moment. Not because he is gay but, in general, being gay is just another reason to add up to the abuse.

"I hate you" or "I can't stand you", "I can't stand looking at you", have so much more power than "You useless " or "You stupid ". Because we still can't really relate to Luhan's situation and father hating his own son is easier to relate to than father hating his son because of xx reasons. Later, when Luhan's father lashes out on his own son, it doesn't throw me off as much anymore because I am already familiar with him.

So, if you want to create raw, traumatizing and honest moment without a buildup then going to the core is the best option because that has more impact. Actually, the less Luhan's father says in the beginning the better because that only proves Luhan is so worthless in his eyes that it's useless to even say anything to him. "I think you are so pathetic I don't even want to talk to you." Instead of shouting, scowling and screaming how about scoffing, hissing, whispering with venom, dark smile, gloomy grin, or yet better: "he didn't even look at me." The scariest anger is controlled anger, the one that's bubbling inside barely spilling over, simply because that's only the beginning and things will start getting worse from here.

Luhan's father beats him, but I think that cutting him with a glass is going a bit too far, it already makes his dad sick in his mind. He could beat Luhan with several things but cutting is stepping over the edge already, not because I can't stand to read about it, but I think that adding too much will make the scene tasteless (again, you are going to the edge towards stereotypical). The beating was not really the point of the whole scene, I believe the point was Luhan’s agony and helplessness? Sorry if I'm overanalyzing.

The following is just my personal opinion on how the first chapter would have been better. It's just a mere example, a pointer, and not some perfect ‘the only kind of way’ of writing. If you agree with my opinion apply this to other chapters too, if no then ignore it.

Chapter 1

Why did you make me gay God?

You yourself said it was a sin but yet you made me like this?

"Get out of here!"

"Dad..."

I stared at the ground trembling. I heard him take a step slower. From the corner of my eyes, I could see him take another swig from his bottle of beer. Each step he took, my shaking increased by tenfolds. I bit my lip to stop me from completely collapsing. 

"Who is your dad? Who said I wanted to be?"

He grabbed me by the collar shaking my tiny frame vigorously. My head jerked back and came into contact with the table edge. I whined in pain as black spots took over my vision. It wasn’t long before I felt a blow being delivered to my stomach. I doubled over in pain. 

"I don't need a son like this! Who said you could be my son? Who?"

He grabbed my hair, pulling my head back, forcing me to look him in the eye. Instead of answering I tried drowning out his voice. My eyes drifted off to a picture over his shoulder showing a two year old me smiling with my mother. It gave me an ounce of energy to help deal with my current situation.

"Please don't be like this!" I raised my voice.

"Then how about you?" he smiled darkly, tossing me a degrading look. "How about you stop too! So I won't have to feel so damn embarrassed about you all the ing time?" his harsh words cut right through me, slicing my already bleeding heart.

He delivered another blow to my stomach causing me to curl up into a fetus position to ease the pain. He placed his booted foot on my ankle, slowly adding pressure. And when I screamed in pain, he crouched down beside me while still adding pressure. That dark smile on his face, it gave me goosebumps. There was no warmth in his cold eyes, only hatred and I wondered if he even knew who I was.

Father, it's me, your son. 

You used to call me Luhannie. Don't you remember how it used to be when it was me, you, and mom, when we were a family? 

You don’t love me anymore but I still love you, I still care so why... Why?

Father I need you.

Father don't abandon me too.

Insert Luhan memory of his mother and how he met Sehun here. (don't abandon me too, key word: too)

At the end of the flashback: “I don’t feel comfortable sleeping besides Sehun anymore, my thoughts have changed, I don’t love him as a friend anymore, I love him as a partner and when he cuddles close to me, I have to fight the urge to kiss him, I really wish I could kiss him.”

BAM!

The chapter 2 starts with the party.

I feel like at the beginning of the story when something so important is revealed it doesn't have enough impact because it happens without a background story. We still don't know Sehun or his relationship with Luhan so it's hard to understand what this all means to them. It was a very realistic way to reveal Luhan's secret by reading the diary, I could so totally imagine something like this happening in real life at a party. But I also think that it would be easier to understand your characters if you first reveal something from the past and give us the image of what they are like and what kind of relationship they have.

Most importantly! Give us a reason to like Sehun, so we can understand him better. And when he turns his back to Luhan we would feel like Luhan too like we trust him. Now, the readers have no reason and there is no way they can build that trust and that's why probably a lot of people hate Sehun. You do give hints here and there, but don’t forget that readers are lazy most of the time.

About the abusive father, if you want to go in detail with the abuse it's better to start light and then reveal more and more in each chapter (to create suspence when it's getting worse and worse and even worse) so the focus would be on Luhan first not what happens to him but what kind of person he is. It’s hard to see what he lost when we don’t know what he had in the first place. I’m not telling you to write two full chapters of Luhan living his life happily with Sehun, but even one or two paragraphs of the past would be enough. The flashback would be enough, anything to grab onto. Just a sneak peak into the happiness, which is now lost. You can go in more detail later.

Luhan is strong, I really like it how you made him in this story. How he doesn't want to hurt himself and how he takes out his Rubik’s Cube when he feels anxious, his undying trust in Sehun no matter what, the way he tries to fit in so desperately. That part when you wrote that his ruined locker mirrored his inner state it was such a perfect way of describing that moment. These are the things that make your story yours truly and make it stand out!

Another thing what I was thinking about was that it would emphasize Luhan's situation so much more if instead of the dialogue you began the story with a monolog because then Luhan would truly be alone. You could begin the story with words he is telling himself. Then he would truly be alone and abandoned, there won’t be anyone to listen to him. Put him in a place full of people and show us just how alone he is (reminiscing about the happy past he had). Okay, this is just me brainstorming because I got so excited with your story but think about all kind of possibilities how to show us Luhan’s mind instead of always explaining with words. It’s interesting to be trapped in his head but also very tiring and emotionally hard.

Sometimes he went on and on about his pain, which is understandable since the story is angst and all that but give the readers a break once in a while. Make Luhan do something between his thoughts like cooking or taking a walk in the park or grocery shopping, sitting in a bus or anything. When something is happening like a scene from school or a discussion with Sehun, let it happen and save Luhan’s deep thoughts until when he has a moment to himself. That way there would be a break between his angsty thoughts once in a while. I know that one of the main themes in the story is Luhan’s suffering but when it just goes on and on without a break it becomes numbing and loses the effect. Detatch him from his thoughst once in a while and let the reader see him from outside his head because now we are always inside of his head. Try to incorporate his loneliness, pain, and agony into how he sees and decribes the world around himself.

There were a lot of good moments like when he thought that no one accepted him after finding out about his true self, or how the boy in the mirror is different, Luhan’s tormenting thoughts when he almost drowned in the bathtub, his meeting with Kai. I wish you highlighted some moments more. When Luhan opened up to Sehun while the latter was asleep, it was a wonderful moment. He finally let it off his heart yet Sehun wasn’t even listening. What if he spoke those thoughts to Sehun’s photograph? The words he always wished to tell his best friend he is able to tell only to a photograph (a cold, soulless object). More of hidden symbolism would make the story stand out, show us how clever you can be! Some of Luhan’s monologs like:

Daddy, I love you. . . .

But you frighten me,

You threaten me,

You verbally abuse me,

You scar me, breaking down my barriers,

You resent me, breaking me down,

Making my walls crumble. . . .

I like it how he talked in his mind without that person being present. Emphasizing his loneliness and helplessness, that gives so much more impact than any verbal abuse. This is how Luhan is alone, this is how he suffers and this is much more powerful than insults because insults are just insults but this is his pain.

I’m not sure if your plan was for Luhan's pain and torment to grow during the story in a sense that unpleasant thoughts/happenings just accumulate until everything becomes unbearable and he finally shatters. If so then it would be better if you started the story on a bit lighter note (for example, mentioned father's abuse later) and then slowly built up the tension. Sometimes I feel like there is no build up. On the contrary, this makes me feel like Luhan has been trapped in a never-ending nightmare, which is not a bad thing either (except for Luhan). 

Grammar:

Overall I think your grammar was good and there were just some typos here and there. The most mistakes were about articles, prepositions, and missing commas (I advise you check a grammar book or google some articles). Sometimes your choice of words was a bit awkward here and there. But I didn't see any big problems, nothing glaring. 

Ending words:

GAH! I totally feel the story and I can see that it's so wonderful and awesome beneath the unpolished writing, but I feel like no matter what I say it's just not the right thing. All I can say is that... write and read more and you will get better with time (so boring). Read articles, thought evoking blog posts, and think while you proofread, think real hard is this good or could it be better? I wish I could give you some concrete advice, but as I see it you just need to write more and consciously edit your chapters again and again, mold them and try to see your own mistakes (this will take time). As an example: I have edited this review like 6 times already and it took me hours so... and it's still imperfect. There will always be a few typos here and there no matter how hard I try to eliminate them!

We all have our own writing style and the key to getting better is realizing what you don't do well, I tried to give you some pointers but I know from my own experience that it's sometimes hard to understand other people's comments. The only ways is to think about what you think is good writing and especially what you think is bad writing. As I see it, you need to edit more and do not be satisfied with the first draft. Your ideas are great but as I was reading the text it was more like a line of thought in other words you let it flow while you write. This is not a bad thing at all! It’s just the first or second version of the story that needs to be edited more.

Okay, maybe I made you feel like your story and that everything needs to be changed, but I REALLY hope you don’t feel like that right now. Don’t even think about things like deleting this story and starting over! Don’t you dare, I have come to love it so much I will find you and I will force you to finish writing it, haha. There were many great moments in your story too so don’t feel depressed I am giving you my full support! The story has potential!

Seriously, just let it sit, read again and edit, don’t be too harsh on yourself either. You will get better with time and editing will help you develop and hone your own skills. You have created wonderful characters and I must admit that my eyes watered a little while reading some parts, it was very touching. Don’t be discouraged and just keep writing. I can’t stop saying how much I love Luhan in this. I want to hug him, cry with him, then hold his hand and help him in every possible way. It’s always a good sign when you make the reader feel something.

For the starters, pay extra attention to dialogues and the flow. Try to pace Luhan’s thoughts, lump them together into angsty heart-wrenching moments (the peaks!) and make a break between them once in a while. Make him think about something else or describe his surroundings. Give him some habits, for example feeding a homeless cat (later kill it so Luhan will get another shock) something what could help him hold onto his sanity for a bit longer (like the Rubric’s Cube!). Maybe sitting alone on the curb, watching kids playing on a playground, staring down from a bridge etc… you know better.

How to edit your story <-- A must read!

Some good tips for revision <-- take with humor, think about the questions and answers.

How to write better dialogues1

How to write better dialogues2

How to write better dialogues3  How to use - part

How to write better dialogues4

My pathetic comment as a reader:

Please don't let Luhannie die, please, please, please T-T Make him overcome everything and show all them bullies that he is way better than any of them! I'll really cry if he dies. I’m crying already T-T Nooo, poor Luhannie! Come to noona, I’ll save you! For a good plot twist make him end up with Kai. I mean, I get Sehun and all but seriously... he needs to learn a lesson too. Update soon ~