Erysimum by _wallflower_

Overall

Like mentioned in the review you received from BLK's Review shop, I also agree that your story is good but not truly gripping (I also enjoyed the diary entries the most). So, I started to think about this "not truly gripping" and what does it really mean. I feel like something is missing from the story. It feels a bit flat, lacking the ups and downs.

Since you are opting for a slow-paced story, adding more emotion to your writer's voice would give it more depth. Your writer's voice sounds very flavorless (this could be only because you still need more practice in writing) so perhaps if you added more of your own to it, then your story would stand out more. Don't just describe the necessary but go beyond, venture deeper into your characters’ minds.

Characters

Your character development is quite good, you introduce the characters one at a time and it's easy to tell them apart because they have different traits. I wish you described them a bit more and gave them even more detail aside from brown curly hair, deep voice etc. Right now, the characters feel a bit distant. It's also distracting how you constantly show different short scenes with different characters so it’s hard to make a whole picture of what’s going on. There are flashes of this and that but nothing in general. The characters rarely have interactions between each other.

Once you have introduced your characters don't use "brown haired boy", "tan-skinned boy", "the girl", "the tall male" so much. This is the most distracting thing in your writing. For example, when you refer to Tao as the Chinese boy in the following situations:

''I though you auditioned from dancing. '' The sudden whisper on her ear startled Mei, but she managed to not show it. Turning her head, she faced the Chinese boy Tao.

Maybe Mei didn't show it but she actually counted Zitao as a friend material. The Chinese boy  He was the only one who actually tried to talk to her and know her better. Or maybe he was just lonely?

We already know that it's Tao and that he is a Chinese boy. But if you still keep using "the Chinese boy" or "the tall male" it will make Tao faceless and make the reader think about a random boy but at the same time the reader already knows that you are talking about Tao, suddenly the text becomes complicated. So why not just refer to him as Tao since in the next paragraph you will refer to him as Tao anyway? Using "the Chinese boy" would work if the reader still didn't know his name.

Example 1

'' Okay, see you later Tao, take care. '' Mei ended the call with her friend (we already know she is talking to Tao and that he is her friend) and looked at the senior (who is she sitting with? How can I imagine him if I don't know?) who was sitting across her. It was Friday, the last break before the end of the week. Mei couldn't talk with Tao so she used this chance to give him a short call. Yixing was also there, wanted to be sure no one was messing with Chinese girl Mei (referring to Mei as the Chinese girl is confusing and unnecessary, it complicates). After what happened between her and Jinwoo, some students tried to bully her by leaving hateful letters on her locker or drawing rude pictures on her desk, calling her names. Mei didn't care much about words but when they began to bump her on purpose, it was the point, when she began to defense herself. It didn't take long for Yixing to hear what was going on so he just sticked beside her during lunch and breaks.

'' I will see you after school. '' The senior Yixing said when they arrived in front of Mei's classroom. The freshmen (who? the other students or Mei?) knew he had some other things to do, yet the boy was so kind to take care of her.

''Lay (use either Yixing or Lay, those who are not very familiar with Exo will think you are talking about two different people), don't worry about me. Everything is okay. '' She said and turned to face him. Older one He sighed and put his hands on her shoulder.

Example 2

He looked down at her hand that was resting on rock, holding it tightly. Without waiting or even asking anything, he just grapped her wrist and pulled her up.

'' Come with me. ''

The auditorium lightened by bright lamps that were focused on the huge stage. Two friends walked down from stairs and stood at the first row.

First of all, the polyline is unnecessary, it only breaks the flow. (Perhaps your intention was to change the perspective?) We know you are talking about Shui and Mei but suddenly you write 'two friends' after a polyline so, it makes me think that something else is happening somewhere else and when I realize that you are still talking about Mei and Shui it throws me off the story. If the chapter ended with: "come with me" and you started a new chapter with 'two friends' walking down the stairs then it would work. 

Flow

I'm not going to lie, I thought your writing was partly slow (thus boring). If I had stumbled upon your story randomly I would have not kept reading it. 

"Often what the reader perceives as "slowness" isn't that nothing is happening — it's that the sentences are not carrying the reader ahead."

Your story is interesting, but I felt bored while reading. What do I mean by boring writing but an interesting story? Doesn't boring writing make the story boring automatically? Of course, no! Since you were descriptive with your characters it helped me to get into the story and I could imagine it in my head, it's like getting into a headspace. What I mean is that cutting out the unnecessary sentences and smoothing the clumsy structures will make your story appealing. Think about the following tip while proofreading/editing your next chapter:

Having sentence lead to sentence --> Often, the best sentence isn't the most clever or the most beautiful, but the sentence that picks up right where the previous sentence left off and moves the reader along.

Read this excellent article to get more ideas about the flow. 

Another great article. 

Example

Mei placed her tray on the table and took her seat across Lay and Tao. --> suddenly going back in time instead of carrying the story forward --> It was cold for them to eat at garden so three friends began to eat their lunch in cafeteria. It has been nearly a week since everything happened. Jinwoo hasn't even come near to Tao since that day. Many students were still curious about what caused the bully to apologize from Chinese boy, where as some of them had already forgotten the situation. As for Mei, she had that slight fear of Jinwoo to tell everyone about her parents, but she ignored that feeling and just hoped for him to mind his own business.

--> suddenly going back to the present -->

'' So how was your day ? '' Lay asked after he took a bite from his bread. (There was a Math book in front of him, the senior he was probably busy with memorizing formulas. Even if they were in art school, after sophomore year, the students had to learn Math and some other lessons as electives.) <-- Is this really important information? Do you really need to add it here? Why should the reader know this? Adding these little irrelevant facts hinders the flow, breaks the dialogue and takes away reader's attention from the dialogue. 

'' Good. '' Mei replied 1.(while she was busy with poking the piece of chicken with her chopsticks.) / 2. She was a bit tired and bored from all lessons, not to mention next day she had to visit her new psychiatry again. 1. she is distressed 2. she is distressed because ... Choose either one, either 1. show or 2. explain, don't do both.

Lay raised one of his brows and stared the girl, who was sitting across him. She was not even eating anything , only looking at tray and poking the food with chopsticks. He elbowed Tao's side but the young boy was lost in the delicious taste of the food.

'' Tao..'' Lay whispered and only got a hum from other one.

'' What is wrong with Mei ? '' The question made Tao stop eating and he raised his head to look at their friend. (She was normal, at least for him.) Mei always had that blank face, except the times they talked about something (about what? or talking in general?). Lay was busy with Math, as he would have an exam next week. Tao was eating so there was no one for Mei to talk. <-- aren't Tao and Lay talking now? So how come they are suddenly busy with their own things?

'' What ? She seems normal. (repetition)'' Tao shruged and continued to eat. Lay scoffed in disbelief and hit the head of other boy. Sudden yelp of Tao startled Mei and she looked at two boys. (we know they are boys)

'' Is everything okay ? '' She asked, a light frown on her forehead. Two friends noded immediately and continued whatever they were doing. Mei had already got use to the way her friends were acting so she pushed the anxiety at back of her mind and began to take bite from her chicken. She tried to take a few bites as there were still a few classes before they could go to home.

Revised

A week had passed since the unfortunate events and Jinwoo hadn't even come near Tao. Many students were still curious about what had caused the bully to apologize whereas some of them had already forgotten about it. As for Mei, she had that slight fear of Jinwoo telling everyone about her parents, but she ignored that feeling and just hoped for him to mind his own business.

Mei placed her tray on the table and took her seat across Lay and Tao. It was cold for them to eat at the garden so they began eating their lunch in cafeteria.

''How was your day?'' Lay asked, taking a bite from his bread. 

''Good,'' Mei replied without any enthusiasm. She was tired and bored from all lessons, not to mention next day's appointment with her new psychiatrist.

Lay glanced at the girl who had taken a seat across from him. She was not even eating anything, only looking at her tray and poking her food with the chopsticks. He elbowed Tao's side but the latter was completely immersed in eating.

''Tao,'' Lay whispered and only got a hum for an answer.

''What is wrong with Mei?'' The question made Tao stop eating and he raised his head to look at the said girl. Mei always had that blank face, except the times they talked about something interesting. 

''What? She seems normal. '' Tao shrugged and continued to eat. 

Lay scoffed in disbelief and hit the back of Tao's head. His sudden yelp startled Mei and she looked at the two with a slight frown.

''Is everything okay?'' 

The two nodded immediately and continued whatever they were doing. Mei had already gotten used to the way they acted so she pushed the anxiety off her mind and started eating, forcing herself to swallow. There were still a few classes left before the school day would end and she needed the energy.

Simplify your writing to get a better flow:

"[...] he whispered. The sudden whisper on her ear startled Mei, but she managed to not show it." <-- avoid repetition! This happens to everyone, but you can fix this by concentrating while proofreading/ editing your chapter several times.

"I though you auditioned from dancing. '' The sudden whisper on her ear startled Mei but she managed to not show it. Turning her head, she faced the Chinese boy.  <-- Works just fine, right?

"Why don't you tell it to me, Miss Doll ? '' the nickname that he gave her hit the Mei.

''Why don't you tell it to me, Miss Doll ?'' This nickname hit the wrong spot. 

A lot happens in each chapter and you use a polyline to separate the events (the easy way out isn’t it?). My advice is to use the polyline as rarely as possible and replace it with a paragraph because a polyline makes each chapter choppy and breaks the flow of the story. Sometimes you had a short piece of text between two polylines and it became downright annoying for me as a reader to try to keep my concentration. I wish your story was more 'whole' instead so it would be easier to follow.

I also noticed that you describe everything the same way, be it something extremely important or just a daily event. This might be the reason why your story feels so flat. A lot happens, but I feel like it all melts together. Emphasize the important events by describing more, not only what happens but how your characters react and what they feel.

I know that you are doing your best by trying to take it slow and show us your characters thoroughly, but often nothing is really happening. Kai finds Mei’s notebook and gives it to her, he thinks she is interesting. Sehun sees her dancing and thinks she is good. Then? I often felt like something is going to happen, but ... The first year of school passed, Mei got new friends, Kai & Sehun became interested in her, Tao was bullied etc, but nothing really happened. There could have been some more events or something else, more interaction between your main characters. Or then you could have emphasized the bullying even more, it sort of happened and then life carried on like nothing had happened.

You sometimes go in great detail explaining what is happening but instead of creating an atmosphere you describe all small insignificant details.

Example: She checked the time from the clock (watch!) which was around her wrist. < --- Usually people wear watches on their wrists so everyone knows that she is wearing it on her wrist. No need to mention “empty information”. Second, time here is insignificant, you don’t even mention what time it is so why mention it at all?

The freshmen (freshmen is a plural form of freshman) Mei got herself a Latte and spent her twenty minutes decided to take a rest in the cafe before going home. She checked the time from the clock which was around her wrist and decided to head back to home. She had already bought gifts for her parents a week ago and sent it to China since she wouldn't be able to go back there during break. Once again, Mei checked the gifts she bought and hold the bags before she walked towards exit door. Just when she was about to step outside, a designed pen on window caught her attention.  […]

These little details congest and stall your story and make the reader think that “this is boring” or “nothing is happening”. It’s better to write less than more because when there is less the reader won’t have time to think “this is boring” or there would be nothing to skip. If you want to write more you have to show instead of tell. If you want to create an atmosphere you have to add several things like the aroma of the coffee in the air, chatter of other customers in the background, impatient footsteps, maybe busy people walking past the window etc.

The main point of this scene was Kai watching her, anyway. So make him watch her from the beginning so the reader will understand why you added all these details. The reader will feel like they are Kai watching her. Then all that description would make sense and it would be exciting for the reader. Maybe Kai is interested in her and that’s why he is watching?

Mei’s letters to Shui in the beginning of each chapter were the best part of your story, but I wish you could give them more of Mei’s flavor. Right now, the style of the letters and the style of how you write the rest of the story don’t really differ much. So when I am reading letters, which were supposed to be written by Mei, I feel like they were written by you, the writer, instead. My own experience about writing letters/diary is that I tend to explain more about my own feelings and a lot less of other things like my surroundings. It’s all about “what I am thinking” and I often use spoken language to write them so if I read them aloud it would be like me speaking, telling my story with my own words.

Grammar

I found quite many grammar mistakes and I'm going to point out a few biggest mistakes that kept repeating. 

"It was my very first day at school and I have already hated it." < -- try to avoid using the word ‘very’ as much as possible. ‘Very’ classifies as an empty filler word that doesn’t add anything to the text.

It was my first day at school and I already hate it/ and I hated it!

There is many other Chinese students [ ] but I don't know why they are so interested in knowing me.

There are many other Chinese students, but I don't know why they are so interested in knowing me. <-- Who are "they"? The Chinese students or someone else?

Mei dragged her luggage to the corner and kicked to close the door gently (kicked what?). Nothing really changed since she left, as if nothing happened during a year of her absence. It was good for her, she never liked someone to check her belongings and change their places.

Mei dragged her luggage to the corner and pushed the door close with her foot. Nothing had really changed since she had left (she left in the past) as if nothing had happened during a year of her absence. It was a positive thing since she had never liked anyone touching or moving her belongings.

Mei didn't even realize how long it has been since she smiled that much. (Mei doesn't even realize how long it has been since she had smiled that much.)

Mei didn't even realize how long it had been since she had smiled that much. 

Dialogue punctuation:

'' I will.... '' No,  '' Oh..  finish ? ''  There should be NO space! Never.

"I will... ''No, ''Oh.. finish?'' 

Why are you using two ' ' instead of " ?

Always use ... never .. 

'' I don't want. '' He said like a child.

''I don't want,'' he said like a child.

'' I guess, you like flowers. '' He began

''I guess, you like flowers,'' he began

'' I am not singing it. '' Sehun continued.

''I am not singing it,'' Sehun continued.

I strongly advise reading How to punctuate your dialogue or check any other grammar book for the basic knowledge.

Usage of:

was doing, was laughing, was saying, was walking – every time you write was + verb think if it could be replaced by he laughed, he did, he said

Mei was holding many shopping bags, each for her friends. She was walking towards cafe when familiar voices made her stop on her track. She hold her breath and turned to look at left to see if she guessed right. There was Tao, whining like a kid while he was walking with the boys. Her eyes went wide when they turned towards where she was staying. Mei looked around and turned her back to them since she didn't want any of them to see her with gifts. Thankfully, none of them realized her and walked out of mall. Mei let out a sigh of relief and continued her way to the cafe.

Revised:

Holding many shopping bags, each for her friends, Mei walked towards a café. Suddenly, familiar voices caught her attention and she held her breath, glancing to her left to see if she had guessed right. True enough, there was Tao, whining like a kid while walking with the boys. Mei’s eyes went wide when they turned towards to where she was standing. Thankfully, none of them saw her as they walked out of the mall. Mei let out a sigh of relief and continued her way to the cafe.

Summary

1. You need to work on your grammar. This should be your priority as from now on, especially the tenses, comma, prepositions, and dialogue punctuation.

2. Pay attention to the flow. Make sure that the sentences follow each other smoothly; the next sentence continues from where the previous ended. This is hard and I am struggling with this myself too but once you get a hang of it, your writing will improve greatly.

3. Pay attention how you refer to your characters and how it affects the flow. Avoid using “tall boy”, “young boy”, “Chinese girl”, in situations when using a name or “he/she” is sufficient.

4. Let your writer’s voice flow freely, add more of your own ‘flavor’ to your text.

5. Try to avoid using polylines and glue your choppy story into one complete entity.

6. Always think if the dialogue is necessary or if it could be replaced by a simple explanation of what happened.  

Closing words

Sorry, if my review came out harsh but these were the main things I wanted to point out. Hopefully, you won’t feel discouraged after reading this. My intention was to give you some ideas on how to improve as a writer.  

I don’t have much to "complain" about your story, I think it’s good and I think you are good with the characters (development and description). Most of the time, I got this feeling I was reading a manga, a comic book; there is that kind of atmosphere. There are a lot of things you wanted to say especially about bullying and how easy it is to misunderstand people, but I wish you had dwelled on the big problems longer. 

Overall, in my opinion your writing needs improvement, not the story. This is the best time to start consciously editing your work. Always separate writing and editing, so keep writing like you have been writing up until now but put more thought into editing. Just quickly reading your chapter through won't help you develop, you have to pay attention to the flow and start looking for grammar mistakes. If something feels like you could have written it better then rewrite it, pay more attention to the details. It would help you a lot of you read more books in English.

Ps. It would help you heaps already if you used Microsoft Word while writing.