Road of Trust by daydreamer23

I saw that you had requested reviews from other shops as well and there were a few things I agreed on so I decided to highlight them here to avoid repetition.

Ghostwriter404

The flow of your story is quite good, but I'd advise you to not change the mood between each scene that are set at the same time so fast. Like if they just came from a fight/confrontation, I suggest you still keep the serious mood for awhile before making them get over it and act like their usual selves again. The way they become playful, happy or noisy too fast makes the readers forget the intensity of the earlier situation, 

-Tigress- 

A lot of your story so far is spent with battles and arguments, but there is not much explanation of where they are going, why they have to go, what kind of world they are in, etc. Filling all of that in will help a lot.

[characters] Give them more depth by telling us what is in their heads, by giving them a background by having their relationships change with each and every interaction as they get to know one another. 

Areum's age is what makes her so unique, but she does not have the mindset of a child. I know she is supposed to seem very adult-like, but even so, children have a very different way of thinking than an adult.

The boys... They are much like the same character, with a different name. Try this: choose two or three to really have an impact on the storyline, then take someone you know and put their personality to that character. It will help you to get into their heads more and make them more unique from one another.

You keep switching in your story from Past to Present tense: watch out for that! (Past: was, did, had. Present: is, does, has)

Overall

I don’t have much to say about the title. It doesn’t draw me in (personal preferences) but I think it fits the theme pretty well. Probably the meaning of the title will be revealed later in the story but I kind of get the idea from the description already. My guess is that they will begin to trust each other as they are on the road.

The description was short and straightforward, not bad at all. But you give out a lot of information. I also think that it would be good to shape the text into a more presentable form. Maybe add hints of mystery to create a magical ambiance so the readers will get the feeling that they are about to step into a fantasy world.

This poem:

Be the heart that wears the crown

Protect Sele from its destruction

Gather the gems that shine bright

Take on the beast day and night

No matter how big or small

The heart is the biggest sacrifice of all

Move this to the description because the foreword is only meat for you to introduce yourself, add advertisement, links to reviews and such.

How about simplifying the description like this:

Be the heart that wears the crown

Protect Sele from its destruction

Gather the gems that shine bright

Take on the beast day and night

No matter how big or small

The heart is the biggest sacrifice of all

Join Areum as she plunges herself into a world where she creates bonds on her road of trust.

(How about: Join Areum as she plunges into a dangerous journey accompanied by 12 great warriors. Follow this mismatched group as they struggle to build friendship and trust among each other on the road of danger and great expectations. Will they be able to defend the darkness?)

Or how about adding some fantasy:

Far away on the other side of the vast stormy ocean and 12 high mountains rests a small village of Sele. Safely tucked in the mountain valley it has been a peaceful abode to its citizens for years. Surrounded by lush forests and sparkling mountain springs it’s a beautiful village with wooden houses and dusty roads.

However, the peaceful days are about to come to an end like the prophecy dictates. Darkness has started to loom in the distance like a storm abut to wreak havoc, and there is only one person who can save the village from destruction.  

Meet Areum, a small girl with a great burden. She is to accompany the twelve great warriors and protect them as the prophesied guardian. And maybe something even more? Join Areum as she plunges herself into a world where she creates bonds on her road of trust.

The Story

Already starting from the first chapter I saw that you have a great imagination and that you have managed to create an interesting magical world, but your story really lacks description. The solution to this is 'show don't tell' . When to use show instead of tell? Here is a good advice. I really hope you will take some time reading these articles, for I believe they will help you a lot. 

Right now I feel like you are in a hurry to tell the story and my advice is for you to slow down and feel the world you have created, show us more and make it more magical, more like something of your own. Fantasy is not harder or easier than other genres, but I believe that it needs more description than other genres because of the 'unknown world'. Another thing is the 'mood' which you have unfortunately failed to set due to lack of description. However, don't worry let's think about it together. I will try to concentrate on following aspects in this review: mood, settings, characters, and flow.

I would recommend for you to read more fantasy books. If you feel lazy or are not interested in reading books, how about going through a few chapters at least? See how published authors begin their fantasy stories, pay attention to how they describe their worlds and how they set the mood. I don't know whether you have read Lord of The Rings or even better The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien, but these are a good start (no matter how much of a cliché this sounds). Pay a visit to the library and go straight to the fantasy section, flip through a few books and I am sure that after some simple research your writing skills will develop a great deal (that is if you are willing to learn new and practice). Even more than reading any reviews on aff, you will learn a lot more from those fantasy books.

And if you are like me who is too lazy to go to the library there is always SparkNotes! 

Lord of the Rings 1st chapter + analysis

Harry Potter 1st chapter + analysis

Game of Thrones beginning analysis

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe + analysis

Pay attention to the analysis. I am not telling you to go and copy, but read and think what you want from your story. Maybe this will also help you brainstorm. 

"The Mood" and Settings

From the very beginning, the story seems a bit confusing because a lot of characters are introduced at once and a lot of information is spilled in the few first chapters. Think about writing like you are painting, first you draw the sketch and then you start adding colors layer by layer. As I see it right now your story is like a first draft or like a sketch. All you need to do is to paint it and make it complete.

Let's take a look at the first chapter. How about concentrating only on Areum and introducing the world she lives in and leaving the reader curious about the guardians? Mention them briefly in the first chapter but introduce them in the next chapter, foreshadowing will help you build some tension. Right now, you are pretty much offering almost everything at once. Take the beginning of the story like drawing the sketch, once you have a good base it will be easier to concentrate on other things. 

Like the Ghostwriter has said “I'd advise you to not change the mood between each scene so fast”. I feel like your story is dull because a lot happens all the time and there is no break between the fights or other major happenings. There are no ups and downs. When you give your characters a break there is dialogue but we rarely see what’s going on around them or in their heads. Slow down and add more detail. Don't always describe through the dialogues because that makes the flow choppy.

I see that you have started to describe more in later chapters, but you always tend to describe what’s going on at that moment but between the scenes there is nothing. You use -------- to indicate that one scene ended and another is about to start. How about replacing all those polylines with narration instead (explain what's going on in general)? That will add a lot of consistency to your story and those moments are very important, they will allow you to set the mood and give us a peek at the world you have created. 

Characters 

Like -Tigress- mentioned, I too think that Areum doesn't behave like a child. She is more like a teenager to me. I don't have much to say about this matter since I feel like -Tigress- has said it all. I just want to repeat that by making Areum preserve the world like a child would make a huge difference. She can be mature and responsible, but she still lacks the maturity bigger kids/teenagers/adults have because she doesn't have the experience to understand things like adults do. In other words, kids are more innocent and simpleminded. Think about yourself, when you were smaller how did you see the world? Read this for inspiration. 

Before

Even with all of those long, boring seminars of what her duty was to do, it...it didn't really make any sense to her. She wondered about a lot of things — would it be different if she wasn't born with this kind of power? If she was just a commoner? If her parents were still alive? Areum was skeptical, but not enough to really take action to find answers.

After

Areum understood that all those long boring seminars were important and that she had a lot of responsibilities on her shoulders, but it didn’t make much sense to her. She’d much rather play in the gardens with other children or read fairy tales in the library. The complicated words caused her headache. Why can’t they speak in a way I can understand? she wondered. Do other children need to study this too? Do they have powers too?

She wondered about a lot of things like what kind of people were her parents and what happened to them. Would they one day come and look for her? Or did they forget about her? There were so many unanswered questions no one could answer, not even uncle Lan. Areum couldn’t wait to grow older so she could leave the castle and look for answers herself.

Exo Boys

Why did you decide to use all 12 EXO members? (My feels right now= T__T) I do not see any reason to have them all in the story as warriors. How about making a few (max 4) warriors and save the rest for other roles? If you must have all EXO members as warriors how about introducing them separately? You could begin your story with Areum and make her meet all 12 warriors one by one, dedicate one chapter per one EXO boy and make them slowly grow into a group on their way (on the road of trust). That would give more clarity to each character and you will have enough time and space to properly introduce them (to give each of them a past). If you want the story begin with all EXO members already being a group how about breaking your story in 2 series, one of EXO warriors becoming a group and the other about them + Areum? 

The first part of the first chapter was to introduce the boys but since you only introduced their powers and names there was no content. I don't know how they look like, what clothes they wear, or the colors of their hair. It's also very risky to introduce so many characters at once. Imagine if 12 people you have never met before come to your apartment and you are blind but you have to memorize their names, faces and personalities at once. That's how I felt like as a reader. It's not confusing but hollow, just empty words (and this is dangerous).

In a story, each name should be detached to a face, personality and character, each name should have a reason to be mentioned and each character needs a purpose of its own. I could distinguish a few boys because they do have differences but no matter how I thought about it I did not understand why must there be 12 warriors. It makes the story very choppy and breaks the flow when you jump from one character to another. I honestly think your story would be so much better if you had fewer warriors. Having so many characters as "main characters" also makes the dialogues confusing/messy since you have to give them all something to say. As I see it right now, all 12 EXO boys could be compressed into 3 people each with several superpowers. Later when the spirits come along I literally felt like my head was exploding with all the side characters. If I wasn’t familiar with EXO I would be really confused. 

I would also love to see what's going on in all these characters' heads. What do they think? How do they see the world around? How do they preserve what's going on? Try to give all characters more depth (give each of them a past that would explain their current behavior). I know this might be difficult since you have so many characters but if you are planning to edit or rewrite your story I strongly recommend having less main characters or at least introduce them one by one. Anyway, I saw in the latter chapters that you started to add more detail to the characters and that Areum always had a moment with one of the boys here and there. Keep up with that.

I know that no matter how different all people are we still have similar qualities so no one can be super different thus it's understandable that at first your characters seem similar. Later in the story the boys start to get more distinctive features and it becomes easier to tell them apart but it's too late. I'm not a hardcore EXO fan so for me it's not enough to just have all EXO members in the story, it doesn't hook me at all (I just see 12 boys). What hooks me is how well the characters are written and how close I can get to them starting from the first chapter (the better I can see them before my eyes as individuals the closer I can get).

Your story is 'original character' type as well so you need to pay more attention on how you create your characters. You have put a lot of thought into Areum and Lan so I wish you could put as much thought into EXO characters too, maybe you will later explain their stories in more depth, hopefully (but even if you do it’s so late I have, unfortunately, already given up on reading). Starting from the first chapter hint that they have dark pasts or something like that. Throw in some hooks that would pique the reader’s interest. You need to give each of them a purpose other than being just the warriors (if their purpose is just to be the warriors then wouldn’t 1 be enough?). I think your story has a lot of potential but I honestly, super honestly, think that 12 characters are way too many. 

Flow

The first thing that came to my mind while reading was that the text is hard to read, it's choppy, jumpy and sort of falls apart as I read. I could understand what was going on and I didn't need to go back to re-read, that's a good start. But I only understood what you meant when I concentrated on reading really hard. I think this is the biggest problem of the story and if you work on this your writing skills will improve heaps! This is also relatively easy to fix. On a positive note, your flow gets better with each chapter! I can see a lot of improvement when I compare chapter 1 with chapter 8 and I am really happy for that!

1. The tenses!

It has been pointed out in other reviews that you sometimes change tenses all of a sudden. You mostly write in the past tense, but sometimes you randomly jump to present tense. Once you fix this the flow will get better instantly!

2. The transition between flashbacks and present.

Sometimes you start the flashbacks all of a sudden without a proper transition and it makes the readers confused if they don't realize that italic text means a flashback. If you add a few sentences before the flashback to indicate that it's coming or at least separate the flashback with a line feed, that will help a lot. Always think if the flashback is necessary or would it be better to simply use a narrator to explain what happened. 

3. The usage of words.

A big mood ruiner for me in the few first chapters were the words you used to describe the people who worked in the castle as “old hags” and such. “Old hag” is spoken language, it would make sense if someone thought that “this woman is such an old hag” but you should keep the narrator’s voice neutral, pick a style and stick with it. Either your narrator’s voice is sarcastic, mean, childish, feminist or simply neutral. Then old hag is simply an old woman. But then again, when you explained that people who were taking care of Areum were all old people it made me think of grandmas and grandpas. Maybe that was your intention? If not then how about instead of old make them faceless? None of them seemed to care about Aerum and none of them is important to the story so how about simply referring to them as people/those people. The man, the woman, she, he. Make them soulless and faceless like ghosts.  

If I understood correctly your story is not happening in the modern world. There are castles and people are wearing cloaks so I understood we are talking about sort of medieval settings. Then how come they are eating meatballs and spaghetti? I mean, potatoes and roasted meat wouldn’t throw me off the story so much because spaghetti and meatballs that just sounds so terribly modern. Just think how much time making meatballs actually takes, you have to ground the meat, mix in the eggs and bread and then form the balls and you need a pan to fry them. In medieval settings you’d need to make flour for baking the bread first and where would they bake it at the resting area? This is just an example and might sound like picking on small details, but small details are what help with setting the mood. Think about these kind of things when you write the details.

Another thing is what your character say. Pay extra attention to the use of words because sometimes the dialogues threw me out from the fantasy world and totally ruined the mood. For example, when you talk about the time it makes me imagine that they have wrist watches.

"How is 11:30 a.m. early? It's late if you ask me." Lan went over to Jongin quickly, knowing that the boy would take the longest to crawl out of bed. (This means they have clocks but usually in medieval settings people indicate the time by taking about the sun or breakfast/dinner/lunch. Instead how about: How is late afternoon early? The sun has risen high.)

"What time are we meeting up at then?" Baekhyun yawned, "place too, please?" (When are we meeting?)

"At one in the afternoon--the throne room." (How will they know it’s exactly one o’clock? How about: Let’s meet in the mid-afternoon in the throne room.)

"Formal, semi-formal, or casual?" Chanyeol questioned as he digged through the clothes drawer. (What exactly is formal or semi-formal or casual to people who wear cloaks? This makes me think of suits and jeans, but I am sure they don’t wear such clothes in your story. In medieval times people didn’t change clothes very often either so perhaps it’s unnecessary to make them discuss what to wear. Instead describe what they are wearing.)

These are a few examples about some details I found distracting and I am sure you will find more as you read your story again. To me, it seems like you have not exactly gotten into fantasy settings inside your head so perhaps if you spend a bit more time imagining the world you are writing about that would help you get in the mood yourself. Once you get in the mood then you will realize what needs to be re-written. Try to make your characters less modern. But then again, if you want them to have watches and want them to be modern then describe about the world they live in more so the readers wouldn’t be confused. Pay attention to the consistency of the settings.

4. Explain what's going on first and then move on to explaining what your character is thinking. Remember that the readers don’t know what you know, they don’t see what you see.

When there is a fight, give us an overview of what’s going on with the narrator and leave the dialogues out. Show us the scene, explain whatever magical creatures there are and tell us about their powers etc. Let the fight happen, lastly comes the dialogue. It makes the story very messy when people speak then comes a random explanation and then they speak again, and this really affects the flow in a bad way because it’s hard to concentrate on what’s going on and it's hard to get the general view. Of course, you can sometimes add descriptions between the dialogues but you do it a lot instead of describing the situation through the narrator. In latter chapters, you get better and you narrate more so it becomes easier to see the story unfold before my eyes. Kudos for that.

I once read this in a writer’s blog: If James Bond is skiing down a mountain trying to escape his enemies he won’t stop to admire the beauty of Alps, he is going to get the fu.ck away before someone kills him. Don’t break the flow of a scene by inserting explanations in the middle. Explain first, let the action happen, explain more.

5. Cut the unnecessary dialogues and trim them. I must say that I enjoyed your narrator a lot more than the dialogues.

6. Rearrange. Think if you could put some parts together to give a better overview of the situation.

Everyone gathers around Faela to take a look at the letter

"Thank you for agreeing to taking care of the kids. I'm a bit worried that they might not give you a great first impression, so I'm expecting them to be on their best behavior. After they have rested a night or two please guide them to the Junas Library and have them research the Forgotten Books. And I know this is a lot to ask, but please tell one of the boys to look after Areum when it is time for sleep. She tends to get nightmares. Please convey this message to the boys and I will be forever indebted to you dear Faela.  

Yours truly Lan & Daena

"We totally nailed that." Tao grins.

7. How to create a better flow?

• connect words, sentences, and paragraphs.
• show the relationship between ideas.
• indicate the order of things and their relative importance.
• indicate when something new is coming.
• signal to readers how an idea fits in and where it's going.
• show a change is coming, i.e. introduce a new idea before introducing the idea itself
• introduce a summary or a conclusion.

8. First chapter revised: * Note that this is just a random example about the flow and mood

A gray gloomy castle stands tall and majestic against the blue skies. On a beautiful sunny day, it seems so lonely and sorrowful standing alone among the vast fields of green tall grass dotted with colorful flowers. Kids play in the cooling shadows of apple trees in the gardens unaffected by the blazing heat of midsummer sun whereas the adults struggle with their daily tasks their faces red and clothes drenched in sweat. However, there is one child who has been denied the joys of carefree childhood and the warmth of a loving family.

A seven years old girl, beautiful like a porcelain doll with fair skin, she lacks the healthy tan the children her age usually sport. Her almond shaped eyes are always dimmed and distant, her plump pink lips rarely stretch into a bright smile and her round face is always hidden behind her long bangs. Inside this innocent and sweet looking girl hides a secret, great and dangerous, a power stronger than any warrior could ever master. Because of this power she has been condemned to a strict life void of emotion and warmth.

“Areum, you can stop reading now.” 

Inside a pleasantly cool library room lined with bookshelves from floor to ceiling sits a small girl with books sprawled around her on the colorfully embroider carpet. She sighs and lowers her head, closing the fairy tale book she has been immersed into. She loves books with pictures, the romantic stories of princesses meeting their princes and strong heroes defending their countries, but she rarely has time to read books like that. Always monitored by adults who are dressed in special white cloaks with tan outlines, the adults she has learned to dislike.

“But uncle Lan! I was just getting to the good part. Can't I read for a while longer? Just a little while,” Areum makes a sad face as she pleads, looking up at the tall man 

“Come on, if you do well today. I’ll let you bring it up to your room.” Lan flashes a warm smile. He is still young to be an uncle, but he is not really her uncle, just a guardian. “Is that the book you want to continue?”

"Yes it is", Areum jumps up and walks closer to Lan, eagerly showing him the book. "There is a boy who finds a small dragon they become friends", she explains with a bright smile. "And they travel together through magical countries to find a treasure. It's so exciting and interesting!"

Lan smiles at her innocence, but his smile becomes a little stiff when he thinks about her sad fate. He pats Areum's head and ruffles her hair, his eyes full of affection as he looks upon her small figure. She is so young and inexperienced in life yet she has been cursed with such a dark future. 

Dialogues

You have a lot of dialogues and in my opinion too many, it becomes numbing when there is a lot of so called empty talk. As a reader, it makes me lose focus and then I feel bored because I don't know why I should be reading this anymore. I can see that you are enjoying writing, but I am afraid your characters sometimes get out of control. This is normal and all you need to do is to trim the dialogues a bit. Mercilessly cut all extra no matter how fun it might seem to you. Often less is better. Think if you could explain some things with narrator instead of dialogues, especially those important parts that need a lot of details. 

Before

"It's a historical landmark with numerous books that contain a lot of information about Ascernia, Sele and origins on Jopu and what not." Faela explains.

After

Junas library is a famous landmark located in the historical city of Jopu. There is a legend which says the city was built by Gods to protect humans from dark powers and that’s why it’s located high in the mountains. If one takes a walk on the walls surrounding the city they can see far over the country, all the way to the ocean. To find out more about Jopu it’s necessary to visit the Junas library where numerous books about the country’s history could be found.

Located on the highest point of the city the library raises high towards the skies, there are four floors with endless amount of rooms all filled with dusty old books. […]

You should be careful with the curse words so your characters wouldn’t sound immature. Using curse words is not a bad thing and sometimes even necessary, but if you use them too often or in inappropriate situations your characters will sound like snappy teenagers on a rampage.  

Before

"What the were you boys thinking?! Making her transport you to this location in that condition?!"

After

“What in the world were you thinking? How could you make this poor child carry you all the way here in such a bad condition?”

Before

"She's not some dog that you can just order around!"

After

“She is just a little girl and if you don’t take care of her then who will?”

Before

"Assumed?! It's because of your inconsiderate asses that you're all late now, aren't you? And depending on your friend all the time doesn't help either."

"We were attacked as we all suffered minor injuries. So we assumed she was well and we're on a tight schedule and we have Yixing—"

After

“After being attacked we all suffered minor injuries so we assumed that-“

“Assuming is not an excuse! What is more important being late or someone’s life? You boys are just inconsiderate and careless. You all should be ashamed of yourselves!”

Before

"Lan specified to me that you must stick together and without her you'd all be goners, especially with Sele and it's citizens hanging on a thread because we're depending on you." She seethed, making eye contact with each person.

"She's young and don't get me wrong, you're all young too but you need to look after her. She could've been dead hours ago, but she  it all up so you guys would be safe because she's a Guardian. If that's not dedication then I don't know what is. But I know for a fact that you all are retards and need to re-educated on your damn morals."

After

“Lan has explained everything to me. You all must stay together and take care of each other and especially watch out for Areum. Without her you have no chance of surviving out there and you will need her to defeat the darkness. Sale’s fate rests on your shoulders and if you fail on your mission everyone will die. How could you be so careless?”

“Areum is young, just a child, and you can’t treat her as an adult or as someone your own age. She could have died and what would you do without your Guardian? I am very disappointed with all of you and I am sure Lan will be as well once he hears what happened! You all, I want you to think it over and repent on your mistakes. Don’t you dare to appear before me before you have apologized to the poor girl!”

How to write better dialogues1

How to write better dialogues2

How to write better dialogues3  How to use

How to write better dialogues4

(pay attention to dialogue tags)

Edit, edit, edit, edit, edit

How to edit your story <-- A must read!

Some good tips for revision <-- take with humor, think about the questions and answers.

Depth and details

There are 12 warriors so perhaps the number 12 has some kind of significance? Tell more about the legends and prophecies. That fairy tale Areum liked so much in the first chapter, how about making it resemble your story? Or give it another kind of significance. Tell us more about the bracelets.

Make every fight significant to the story and give each creature its own place in the world. Don’t always make new creatures appear but use the old ones as well. Explain the reason for the journey in more detail; begin the explanation with the legend so it will become clearer to the reader why these people are embarking on such a journey. Give us some hints of danger or threat so we will know that something bad is going to happen. Just saying Sele is in danger doesn’t really cut it, show us the danger, make us feel the threat.

About Areum’s transformation. Show us how she feels about this all. You explained briefly but a girl turning into a dragon is something pretty shocking. Don’t make it so casual, make it special, highlight it with more details and more feeling. 

Lastly

Sorry if the review came out harsh or if I made it sound like I disliked your story. I actually liked it and I think it has great potential. It also seems like you are enjoying writing so you should not feel discouraged. Instead of thinking that your story is bad or you lack as a writer, just think of your story as the first draft that needs to be edited. Don’t overthink it while writing, just keep writing as you had until now but think extra hard while editing. I saw that you are looking for a beta reader, but I think that you will be able to develop your skills faster if you proofread yourself. All you need to do is to pay more attention to the details and think if some scene was presented well or maybe there is a better way to present it.  

If anyone tells you that your story is cliché or not original don’t listen to those words. The story is very original and you have put a lot of your own into it. To me, it looks like you are still looking for your own writing style and need more experience in writing. Right now, what you need to do is to concentrate on conscious editing! Character development and flow are the first things you should invest into, everything else will come with time. The only way to get better is to read more and write more and it takes time, so don’t give up! Good luck!