Eight by tbhidkwat

Overall:

1. The foreword is short and breezy. It gives an idea of what's going to happen but doesn't give out too much. (Personally, I get this feeling that I'm going to start watching a fun movie.) It would be good to add some catchy phrase to give a hint to the readers about what's going to happen in Philippines. 

2. If you want to add A/N to the foreword please do not downplay yourself or your story because that's a turnoff for the readers. If you say it I will think it – it's that simple. Instead of saying "Please give this story a chance even if it " just write "Please give this story a chance" That's enough. Even if you think that your story , don't mention it.

3. After reading your story, I got this impression that you are not a very experienced writer as in you haven't written for a long time yet. This is not a bad thing and everyone has to start somewhere =) The more you write the better you will get. I advise you read a lot too and when you find a story, which is well-written, think about what was good about that story, take those good things and think about them when you write yourself. When you read a bad story think about things you didn't like and try to avoid making same mistakes while you write.

Your story is not bad and it's definitely not boring because a lot happens and something is always going on. The storyline has logic and everything makes sense, there are no instances where I felt like going back to reread because everything made sense and the flow was consistent. I can tell that you have a good imagination and a clear focus. Your story has this feel to it that you enjoy writing and that's very important.

You have the basics and if you keep on writing more I am sure you will get a lot better. My personal impression: this story seems more like a first draft instead of the complete work. It is readable but lacks in many aspects, not because you but because you are still inexperienced and need some "finetuning".

The Title

The meaning of the title is not clear to me yet so I don't know if it relates to the story or not. It's not appealing at all and doesn't really give me any idea of what this story is about. If it's about eight days they spend together then maybe Eight Days would be better or The Magic Number 8, The meaning of Love is 8, Me, You, and 8 days, 8 Equals Love etc.

The titles of chapters were very bland but described exactly what was going to happen in each chapter. Since your story is comedy how about adding some quirkiness to the chapter titles? Here are some examples but I'm sure you can come up with better ones.

1. Flight --> Hangover before Paradise

2. Cold Encounters --> This is how we met

3. Breakfast --> That’s Harry Styles?

4. Night Out --> The Owner of a Brown Fedora Hat

5. Hotel Rooms --> Her Black Bralette

6. Lunch --> And maybe a Lunch?

Pace & flow:

The pace of the story is too fast, even breathtaking. It’s so fast that the readers don't have enough time to get accustomed to the characters or what's happening. The characters are doing one thing and suddenly they are doing something else, jumping from one scene to another without a proper transition. This can be fixed easily, slow down and feel your characters. Describe what they feel, think or see in more detail and cut the dialogues. There are many dialogues but often your characters just talk the empty talk; it doesn't really give anything new to the story. Think if the dialogue is really important and if it isn't then situation should be just explained in a few words.

Example:

"In our group, Angela is known as the one with many history with guys" (many history sounds very awkward,  please rephrase) this is enough to explain the whole discussion about her going to a club and meeting a guy, we don't need to know his name. If you want to add a discussion about Reelo guy for the sake of the Nemo joke then make Angela meet him later when they are partying at the hotel and then make Chesca ask her "Who was that?" or "Who were you with last night?" What I'm saying is that at this point of the story, the joke is irrelevant. If this Reelo guy is going to appear later make it a bit more obvious so the reader will understand that there is a meaning behind the whole discussion: 

"Yeah, okay," I say, not really taking her seriously. "I've heard you say that million times before."

"What's with the attitude? This time it's different."

"Whatever you say..."

"You just wait and see!"

I understand why you wrote the first chapter as you did. You introduced the characters, showed some of their personality traits and explained why they were going to Philippines. I saw hints for the future chapters like "Some things just don't work out" but honestly speaking, you could have started with these people already being in Philippines because nothing important happened during the flight. 

Here is an example of what I mean:

Chapter 4

I sat in the bar drinking my Manhattan and watching people dancing when someone tapped my arm. I looked over my shoulder and saw that it was the girl from before, Angela, her lips curved into a bright smile when our eyes met. Come to think of it, I really didn't get that weird chick yesterday. I tried to be nice yet she gave me the attitude and walked away without even listening to my side of the story. She sure has a temper!

I snapped from my thoughts when I heard Angela speaking. She wondered how come I was out in the public and that made me chuckle, it's not like I wanted to stay in the hotel room forever. Luckily no fans had recognized me yet; some peace was what I needed at the moment. Then I noticed she was with a guy, he introduced himself as Ryan and I offered him my hand but he didn’t shake it immediately as if hesitant to touch me. I could feel the tension between us right away and that made me feel a little wary. Suddenly, Angela's phone rang and she excused herself, leaving me together with this guy who was sending me warning looks.

"I saw you on a magazine earlier", he eyed me from head to toe, somewhat suspiciously.

"Hopefully I looked good", I joked but he didn't seem amused. "So... Would you like a drink, it's on me?"

"Listen", he said after a short silence. "Let's get this straight. I heard what happened between you and Chesca yesterday."

So that's what her name was, Chesca...

and so on…

Transition:

The transition between the scenes. It can be either fast or slow, the story can be like snapshots with clear breaks between the scenes or it can flow without stopping. My personal opinion is that this story you are now writing would be better and each scene would have more impact if it was written in "snapshots" like movie scenes, leave all irrelevant information out. You will know what is relevant and what is irrelevant once you read through your story.

At this point, as a reader sometimes I can't really tell what scene is important and what isn't. Some scenes are obviously important like when Harry finds out that Chesca had some problem with a guy in the past and he wonders if she was molested. But because your characters tend to blabber it makes the reader lose focus. That's why the reader starts feeling bored while reading and that's when people start skimming through the story. They are sort of interested but are waiting for something important to happen and because they skim some brilliant/important scenes go unnoticed. If you polish your story a bit and give more emphasis to important scenes by adding more details or deleting/rewriting irrelevant dialogues your story will immediately become a lot better.

I believe this blog post and this blog post will be very helpful to you, please take a look at them when you have time.

Sometimes things pop out sort of out of the blue without enough highlight, let's keep that Harry finds out about Chesca's past as an example. So Harry is drinking at a bar, he meets a girl from before and suddenly bam he finds out such an important fact and soon he is already dancing with Chesca. A lot happens at once (his feelings, her feelings) and the readers are bombarded with information but they don't even know what to grab. Even Harry doesn't have any time to think about it.

That scene when Harry finds Chesca's bikini top it's very important so it would be better if you introduced how he felt and what he thought about what he saw. "She was topless and my widened eyes lingered on her chest, blush crawling to my cheeks. I felt so darn embarrassed" or "Oh my God! She is topless and she is so hot! I keep telling myself to look away but I can't. Why aren't my eyes listening to me? Damn, I hope she doesn't mistake me for a ert! Uh oh, she looks kind of mad now."

More detail to important scenes, less ‘airy’ scenes with no importance. Slow down when relevant, fast forward when irrelevant.

Repetition: 

What comes to Harry, Chesca asks him in one of the chapters why he decided to come to Boracay and he explains that his friend recommended the place. You repeat the same thing you mentioned in the first chapter. This also made me wonder why did you write about him boarding the plane? He took photographs with his fans later in the story too. If you wrote about him for this: "Thinking about what this trip might bring to me. Something unforgettable I hope." It would have been better if you started the whole first chapter with Harry boarding the plane.

Explain how he looks like, what kind of hair does he have, what kind of clothes does he wear, what kind of smile does he have? Bright, sweet, charming? Is he tired and in need of a vacation or is he going for an adventure? Leave out the information about his Filipino friend for later and concentrate on introducing Harry instead so the readers will get a good picture of him (looks & character) in their minds. This "Thinking about what this trip might bring to me. Something unforgettable I hope."  I think is a good catch phrase for the readers, it makes me think that something interesting is going to happen later (you could add it to the foreword).

After introducing Harry switch to Chesca, either she is sleeping in the hotel room after the flight or thinking about how it went, how Angela was hangover again and did some crazy things. Or then Chesca and her friends are having a meal together and discussing their party plans or the wedding etc.

Characters:

I was left wondering how do these people look like? How old are they? Even though, a lot of people who will read this story are fans who already know how the idols look like but some might give it a shot just because the story seems interesting. It's hard to get connected with the characters or tell them apart when all you know are their names only. Actually, the characters that stuck to me from the first chapter were Nick and Harry because Nick had such a powerful appearance and Harry was introduced alone. Chesca was surrounded by a group of people and nothing made her stand out. It would be good to introduce her first or give her a trait no one else has. For example, you could describe her looks first so the readers can form some kind of image of her in their minds, introduce other characters after introducing her. Make a clear line between secondary characters and the main characters.

Since the story is written from the 1st pov there are various ways to describe the characters. You could start the whole story with "My names is Chesca and I'm xx years old. I have brown wavy hair and blue eyes... [and so on]" this is a very usual and widely used method. If you want to be more original you can incorporate character's traits into the dialogues.

"I throw the cushion from the couch at the drunk rude Angela" add: I can see that she is feeling nauseous as she sits beside me with her head hanging low, her black shiny hair covering her beady eyes.

"Two of my best friends, Nick and Clara, who have been together since [...]" can be added already after introducing Chesca so the beginning of the story would be like this: main characters - what's going on - other characters. 

You have a lot of characters and I understand why, there is a wedding after all and they are a group of friends. But… It's numbing to be bombarded by names without having time to get to know the characters and later it's hard to tell them apart. So it would be a good idea to first introduce all characters before starting with the dialogues otherwise it's just random people talking. It was a fun way how you introduced them while they were in the car instead of just listing them. Maybe you could start the whole story with them sitting in the car? Or already in a taxi in Boracay?

Since you have so many characters it would be great to give them all some trait so it would be easier to tell them apart and mention that trait while introducing them. Angela is the party girl and Nick is the responsible guy, this was very clear. But what about Ryan? He is the protective best friend, isn't he? 

I sit between Angela and Ryan, the party animal and the protective best friend. His board shoulders push me into Angela and I feel trapped, squeezed between the two like that.

Of course, you don't need to pour all information about your characters at once but a short introduction is appropriate, it's also a good idea to introduce them through their actions, thoughts and dialogs. How they react to something for example: Angela was always super rude when hangover. Well, she had a potty mouth to begin with but we have gotten used to it already. 

What do your characters feel? Why do they act like they act? Why do they do things? Explain more, everything they do they do for a reason. Add some color to your story by explaining how they feel not what they feel.

I was happy --> happiness surged through me and brought a smile to my lips --> Hell yes! I was so happy I pumped my fist in the air. 

POV

Changing povs is okay but it always breaks the flow of the story. It's not confusing since you make it very clear but it's annoying. My advice is to make each chapter only one POV, that way the story will feel more consistent. It's also fun if you write half a chapter of Harry's pov and then in the middle of some scene just switch to Chesca so he starts and she continues or the other way around. This will be super fun if they, for example, think completely differently about something and when you switch pov in the middle you will bring out their conflicting thoughts + you won't need to describe the same situation twice. But in general, if you have to change the povs it’s a better idea to write in 3^rd pov to begin with.

When changing pov try to give both characters equal time so you will have balance or a pattern. Divide the chapters exactly in half or then give both characters one chapter at a time. Then it will be easier for readers to adjust to the pov change, they will know when the povs will be changed and they will understand that there is some kind of logic. You have got to have a good reason for the pov changes instead of using 3^rd pov.

And since you are using the 1st pov take the full advantage of it! Don't just describe but add character's personality to the description! Not just through the dialogues but by adding their thoughts like sarcastic comments they think about when seeing something or incorporate their feelings into the text. If they are feeling angry the world is on fire and when they are sad everything seems miserable, when they are in love even the most annoying things become wonderful.

Dialogue:

Often I felt like your characters were really obnoxious and immature when they spoke. They were snappy and cursed a lot during weird moments and it threw me off since I just couldn't imagine them speaking like that. I know that dialogues are not supposed to be super realistic, but they should give an impression of real speech, at least. Read your dialogues aloud and think about it, would people in real life or a movie speak like that? Sometimes your characters said something and I thought that's what they should think in this situation instead of saying it out loud. This article sums up what I mean in a better way.

"She covers her chest with both of her arms ". . . omg!" she hisses." -- It would make more sense than instead of hissing she'd just think like this. Because she is very surprised and shocked it's more probable that she is unable to even utter a word.

"Ugh", I groaned --> ugh already tells the reader that the person groans so use only one --> "Ugh" or I groaned.  So: "Um", I felt hesitant. --> I felt so damn hesitant. 

Just get a photo later! He will be around and I know it" I persuade her again. -- she already persuaded Angela once and it's clearly obvious from what she said that she is persuading, therefore you don't need to write "I persuaded her again" because it's clear that Chesca is speaking.

This, this and this will be very helpful for you to better your dialogues.

Grammar:

1. The biggest problem was definitely the random tense shifts. Please watch out for this, you'd start writing in present tense and change the tense in the middle of the sentence to the past tense. This happened a lot in every chapter! Sometimes you used it right like:

"I sit in one of the tanning chairs reading a book, waiting for Harry. It's already 15 passed past 2 and he clearly said to me at 2PM sharp" -- correct.

"Maybe a vacation to one of the most famous and nicest resorts in the Philippines wouldn't be a bad thing.. or is it?" -- incorrect, should be: wouldn't be a bad thing... or would it?

Maybe is an extra word in here that doesn't really add anything to the sentence since maybe and wouldn't - would it emphasis the same thing.

"A vacation to one of the most famous and nicest resorts in the Philippines wouldn't be a bad thing... or would it?"

"Maybe a vacation to one of the most famous and nicest resorts in the Philippines wouldn't be a bad thing.. or?"

2. Merch, omg, -- these are a no-no in prose. You have to use the full words Merchandise, Oh My God, ert. 

3. Ofcourse, atleast, everyday - these are written separately of course, at least, (every day vs everyday have different meanings). I'm not sure if you are a native or not and I'm also not sure if these are mistakes or just typos. Overall you wrote good enough English but there were typos here and there. Some sentences were a bit awkward or you used words that didn’t exactly fit. Proofread again.

4. It never hurts to check punctuation rules regarding commas. Sometimes you used period in place of commas. It's not wrong to use simple sentences but the flow will get way better if you connect two sentences with a comma instead.

5. Yeaaaah, Noooo, Daaamn - It's always looks more professional when: "Yeah", he said, stretching the 'a'. "No", she wailed.

6. ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? -- I saw this once. The thing is that we use question mark to express confusion or a question and exclamation mark to express surprise or loud speech BUT adding more of them than just one will not give more impact and it's grammatically incorrect. If you want to emphasize then describe in words, you can write "What?" He blinked rabidly as if unable to believe or "No way!" he yelled so loud it hurt my ears. 

Closing words: 

I think you story is entertaining and has a lot of potential. It is not original and doesn't really stand out, but it's not a bad story and I don't know, maybe you will add some interesting plot twists in the future. The story is a fun read and you definitely have it in you to become better at writing. I think it would be a good idea to go through the chapters again and at least add some details here and there. I don't think you should rewrite this from the scratch (unless you feel like it) but when you start a new story pay more attention to how you write and stop to think if what you wrote is good or bad, if you don't feel satisfied then rewrite. I wish I could say something super meaningful but as I see it you just need to write more and read more. If you feel like you lack in some aspect then google articles about it and pay extra attention while writing. I suggest you pay more attention to dialogues first and concentrate on character development, that's a good start. 

Your story needs a lot of polishing to become a good story instead of being readable, but I can't say it because it doesn't. The story itself is good but your writing skills are still only developing and this all is completely normal. For example, all characters seemed like immature bratty teenagers to me and it was hard to tell them apart, they were too similar and very flat. This is because you didn’t describe them enough and gave them all similar character traits. To me, the story lacks maturity but that’s something you will get with time. Lacks maturity doesn’t mean that you are immature but that you need more practice in writing.

All I can say is that don’t stop writing and always try to strive to get better. Be critical about what you write and go through some of your older works once in a while, think what you did well and what "". Then move forward! I mean it when I say that you will become good with time if you pay more attention to how you write.

Hopefully, my review was helpful to you! Good luck with your story! And if you have any questions or comments don't hesitate to contact me.