Depression.

The feeling of the low spirits and despair. Margined with crestfallen tunes and long nights of thinking, just thinking. An endless stream of abandonment of where the salt trickles don't resist and lose the power of pouring out. Dragging through the meadows of the abused and the tortured thoughts of nothing.

Happiness 

The feelings of high spirits and the overall satisfaction of life itself. Enchantment of the holy smiles from your love, or the pride of holding yourself above others. A deep relief of exuberance and light-hearted chatter. 

Jongdae slipped in and out of both. 

For a moment he was depressed, his face ashen with the over-thinking of just plain heartache and ripped at the core. In the next few minutes, his over ecstatic grins ran throughout the walls of the modest two bedroom apartment as a mask of delight. Jongin was terrified. 

After the breakup between Allyson and Jongdae, all what was left was an aged San Francisco shirt that was webbed with excited tourist all over it, 72 unanswered calls, 126 text messages that were best left unopened, 31 voicemails filled to the brim of anger, regret and craving, and last of all, the cloying aftertaste of all the bittersweet memories that made a waterfall of abundance in the back of Jongdae's mind. 
 
Text message after phone call after voicemail, was congested with either a sobbing, horrid disarray of meek "I'm sorry"s or a backlash of ing and noise suffocated with scraps of past animosity and resentment. Jongdae was able to control himself, not answering any of the texts or phone calls, but he repeated the voicemails that she left. Remembering each one. As he would pass Jongin in the kitchen to grab a Cup of Noodle, he would hear the faint mumbles of "how could you do this?" and "sick jealous bastard."

Sick to his stomach, Jongin wanted to run. He wanted to pace himself to the far end of the universe where Neptune and Pluto sat unharmed by the realistic feelings of humanity. Feeling grimy and uneasy, he proposed to Jongdae they should eat out instead of Cup of Noodle for the past week, where they relocated back to. 

"Where?" 

"Anywhere you want to, Dae."

"You choose. Don't make me make any more decisions."

A deep sigh. 

"Okay, how about that new salad place that opened up a few blocks from school?" 

Jongin immediately cringed at the thoughts of crunching lettuce and spiced croutons but Jongdae loved it. 

A creak from the door emerged and Jongin peeked to see a bloodshot eye and a of caramel hair appear. 

"Give me ten minutes." 

The ride to the place was silent, even with the humming melodies from the radio that couldn't be registered. 

"I like this song," Jongin heard a whisper from the passenger seat. Jongdae had his knees to his chest and tugged on his navy shirt. He reached for the volume button and raised it to an ear-splitting volume that made Jongin flinch but he didn't argue. 

The sweet tunes from the male singers surrounded the small vehicle, and it seemed to fill Jongdae with a satisfactory grin. He hummed along to the slow pace of the rhythm. 

"Sometimes, I close my eyes and fall into the thought of you
You habitually imagine of that familiar image of me
Despite my clumsiness, you still like me no matter what
But do I deserve to be loved by you?" 

His faint murmurs of music and song continued until they reached the hustling restaurant. When they sat with their salads, Jongin picked on his with little enthusiasm but when Jongdae looked over, he shoveled a forkful of lettuce and corn into his mouth with a smile.

It was the least he could do, because unfortunately, he didn't know what else he could do for the caramel haired boy.

_______

"You're depressed," Jongin sputtered out.

Jongdae glanced up with brows and lashes and all with confusion. Drinking their morning coffee, the familiar scent of sugary spices of nutmeg and vanilla didn't draft into Jongin. He could only smell the bland aroma of dull ground coffee, the one he usually drank. 

"You're not drinking your coffee with all that sugary crap." Jongin stammered anxiously. In reply he got an eyeroll and a groan.

"Really Jongin? I was just lazy." 

"You, lazy? Hah."

"Stop it Jongin, this is stupid. I am fine."

"I'm sorry for bringing this up but a girl just broke your heart into two pieces. You can't be magically okay." 

Jongdae grinned and gave out a small chuckle. "Well my phone was broken into three pieces." 

"You've got to be joking me," Jongin scowled into his mug. He stared angrily into the deep murk of beans until a soft hand placed itself onto his back.

"Really Jongin, I feel better," he whispered. A gleam of dismay and silence hinted his brown eyes as they looked at Jongin kindly. 

He was reluctant to answer, but eventually sighed and said goodbye to Jongdae as he left to class. When the door slammed shut, he could feel the underestimating stigma of thought seep through the closed windows. He wanted, he yearned for the moment he could tell him. And now was his chance.

_______

For the beginning of winter break, the pair celebrated the end of the new year within the walls and comfort of a Korean BBQ house. They sizzled the fatty meats as they laughed about ridiculous professors and the sanity of themselves. It was a good time for them. The restaurant was crowded, packed even. But squished in the compact table in the far back, were two friends who gleamed charisma as they giggled together. 

Leaving the restaurant, faint smells of tangy barbecue and bimbimbap left an oily residue on their cotton fabrics. The night was chilly and they had to walk back to their modest two bedroom apartment. Their thin layers of cashmere and college bound sweatshirts that rung with the majority of enjoyment were not suffice to keep warm. The two huddled together as they paced back, chilly breezes slammed into their rigid backs and stung their cheeks with a light carnation rose. 

It seemed like any regular winter night, with the racing patter of heartbeats as the warmth combines and the swishing stumble of puzzled winds as they crouched about. But that night was filled to the brim with vibrant possibility for Jongin. A red scarf hung sloppily around Jongdae's neck as he tilted his lovely lashes up to seek the wonders of champagne colored Christmas lights that were stranded by lamp posts. The tint on his high cheekbones made him appear younger than his soju drinking age as well as his rounded eyes. As he raced the wandering snowflakes, Jongin admired his dainty footsteps on the thinly snow covered sidewalk. Pitter patters that left imprints of a sparking angel were marked with Jongin's trying gentle tracks. Then when the dazzling caramel haired boy seemed the most amazing, if it was even possible, he looked radiant, angelic even, because he began to sing. 

"Just like the Christmas Day I've always waited for," the beautiful lyrics drifted from his chapped but as always, pink lips. The champagne lights couldn't compare to Jongdae's effortless glow. 

"Merry Christmas Dae," Jongin murmured and the boy turned back with a twirl and a slight smile waltzing on his lips. 

"Merry Christmas Kim Jongin," he sighed happily. 
He began to sing the immaculate words softly as he skipped through the dewy alabaster. But Jongin could barely hear the ringlets of grace, he was so focused on him. 

"Only you are the warmth that remains inside my coat." 

His caramel hair fell in ragged but soft edges on his ivory forehead.

"I’m getting filled with only warm memories."

Fluttered heartbeats emerged into the chilly hair out of Jongin's breathless mouth. Jongdae continued to prance into their apartment building as Jongin trailed behind. 

"The white miracle that falls from the once dry sky." 

Cracked creme brûlée walls were disoriented and still as Jongdae fluttered through. The wet commercial carpet stamped underneath soggy combat boots and soles acted as a grand entrance to his arrival. 

"It seemed like it wouldn't come true. The prayer I was so desperate for, even in my dreams." 

His hands skimmers across the rusty handrails as he leaped up the stairwell. The red scarf danced behind his back as he reached for the keys for the modest two bedroom.

"When I opened my eyes in the morning, like the snow-"

"Stop this, it's killing me," Jongin snarled with aggression making Jongdae whip his head around in confusion. There was a muted silence surrounding them for the next 60 seconds of time. 

1 2 3 to 23 of blank stares and a puzzled Jongin searching for an answer scripted in the biting air.

24 25 26 to 52 full of understanding and disbelief from person A to B.

53 54 55 to 60 were the seconds that filled the two feet and three inches of space with two palms planted firmly on the cracked creme brûlée walls and slammed lips of intense passion and longing. A step into questions and only two answers. Molded lip against a lip, but B, surprisingly didn't resist. Instead, he kissed back. 

"What was that?," Jongdae breathed into the night. 

Jongin awkwardly stood there, even with the answer tied on his tongue. 

"I'm in love with you. I have been since the day you bounced into my apartment with your gray cashmere and smile," his whisper was barely heard. 

"Really now?"

Embarrassed to death, Jongin frantically turned around and began to walk away quickly. A crimson shade rose to his cheeks and frustrated tears streamed out but he stopped when he heard a faint plea, fringed with the starry night skies everlasting glow and sadness.

"If you love me, don't ever leave me," was the whisper back as he held a smooth ivory hand out. 

Turning back, he was face to face with an unknown. The stranger in front of him was inevitable. He was certainly beautiful. Lush caramel hair waved his forehead and a tender smile captivated his pink lips. A rosy tint of actuality tipped his high cheekbones and were often so greeted by lashes. He looked really familiar, but he was a new person, and Jongin wanted to know his name. 

"Hi, I'm Kim Jongdae. I like singing and lengthy sunny days where the sun decides that he enjoys the cloudless blue skies and stays longer into the 6's and 7's of the evening, and I think I'm in love with you too."