Day 1

I woke up the next morning from the bright rays of sunlight burning down onto my skin. I lifted my hand up to shade my eyes and slowly sat straight, cringing from the dampness of the clothes hugging my body. The sun was burning in the bright blue sky, warming me from last night’s bitter, cold events.

I reached over to the plastic bag and pulled out a can of red kidney beans before tearing open the lid and nipping at them. I ate in a deathly silence, listening to the soft ripples and crash of the waves.

Calm during the day, and wicked during the night, I thought.

I chewed the beans and kept my eyes cast over the small words on the can. I couldn’t bring myself to look at the blue shimmering water. Not after last night.

I guess I’ll never be able to look at the sea in the same way as I did after what had gone down in the previous hours. You could pretty much say that I’ve been scarred for life.

I place the empty can into the bag and lay back down onto my back…waiting for a miracle. 

Surprisingly, I was still wearing my watch and managed to acknowledge that the time was currently 9 o’clock in the morning. Somehow, I managed to sleep though a whole night of guilt, plus the eerie images of Jaehwan’s pale face imprinted into my memory.

The storm left behind a bright scorching hot day with not a cloud in sight. The air was soundless. Hardly any seagulls flew overhead and no form of fish bobbed their heads above the surface of the water.

Everything was still, apart from the boat as it calmly tottered by the gentle beat of waves.

I looked around and sighed heavily. All there is is sky and sea. Sea and sky.

Fish shying away beneath my white little rescue boat and the bag full of canned food lying by my feet.

I have nothing except the constant feeling of regret nibbling away at my flesh.

Regret for ever coming out here in the first place. Regret for not saying no to Jaehwan and stopping him from feeding into his own curiosity. 

I was gradually becoming nauseous from the salty stench of the waters. That terrifying image replayed over and over inside of my head like a broken record, to a point where I thought I could actually see that small ribbon of blood, curling around in the water… symbolizing the obvious and mocking me for being a survivor. 

I wanted to scream but I didn’t have the voice in me to do so. I wanted to vomit all the beans I just ate and hope that it would also rid the horrid memories. Eventually, my wish came true as I gagged between my throat and leaned over the side, releasing every drop of stomach acid through my mouth.

I didn’t feel sorry for the fishes, I just wanted to puke until my soul joined the undigested beans and drowned with them into the water.

What was the point of me even saving myself? Who knows how far out to sea I am. How long will it take for someone to realize that I’m missing along with Jae?

By then, I'll probably starve to death, or die from severe dehydration. 

The longer I floated atop the water, the more I wished I went down with that boat. The more I wanted to cry and scream from the top of my lungs at how miserable my life had just become being out here completely solitary and scared out of my wits.

Minutes felt like hours as I lay there, burning under the sun. I rolled my trousers up above my ankles and decided to countlessly stack the canned food into pyramids and watch them tumble.

There was nothing I could possibly do other than paddle…but my body still ached and I’ve injured my shoulder after landing awkwardly into the boat. I closed my eyes for a moment and all I saw was red because of the sun directly above my face, beaming down strongly.

I started to imagine what it would be like if I was found. What would Jaehwan’s father say to me once I return? He’s like…the ambassador of Tech International, which is a company that controls the countries technological imports and exports.

He’d sue me for not only killing his son, but also for drowning his very expensive boat.

Now the thought of being found isn’t so pleasant anymore…I’m dead meat either way. Being out here, or being back home- both of them are pathways leading to death.

Eventually my food will run out and I’ll dehydrate and if not that…a famished shark will decide to topple my boat and eat my fleshless body for supper. Mr Lee would mercilessly throw me down into the dirt and my parents will not have a say in anything. 

Then I remember. 

My beloved parents. They must be worried sick...

I sigh and turn onto my side, feeling the sun starting to burn my ear.

As much as I adore tranquillity, I currently couldn’t stand it. I needed some form of something…or someone, to rest their hand on my back and tell me that everything is going to be okay, even when it isn’t.

I take a deep breath in through my nose and slowly breathe out of my mouth, hoping to sleep the whole day away.

I eventually wake up again, and it’s only 4pm in the afternoon. I remove my shirt, shoes and trousers and decide to throw myself into the water.

I frolicked around on my back and dipped under, stressing to see the colourful fishes through my blurry underwater vision. The salt stung my eyes and I felt too exhausted to swim deeper.

It calmed me down but once I was back into the boat with sunset on the horizon, it began to heavily dawn upon me of how alone I am, and how the one person I could've relied on was no longer in this world to help me through this loneliness. 

That was when I burst. Tears gushed out of my eyes and my cries and pleas filled the silent air. His smile, his laughter, his happiness, his ideas, his overall out-going nature haunted me to the bone and wrecked my entire well-being sitting out here on this goddamn boat.

Our conversations, our laughs, our moments and our years spent with just ourselves, him and me, me and Jaehwan...it was all over.

No body was going to bring him back, or his dads precious boat. I'm aware that since all of this is still fresh in my memory, its going to be excruciatingly painful to get over. 

Who knows what will come of me being out here for the next few days. 

I think I might just go insane.