I wanted her wake to end as soon as it started. Not that I want to disrespect Jaehee’s memory or anything. I just wanted to be alone. I try to live another day without her but as days go by I feel more and more lifeless. There are times where I just kneel beside Jaehee’s coffin in the morning until the evening. Miss Seo was of course beside me. She has stopped crying as soon as Jaehee was put inside her coffin. I, on the other hand, thought I would cry as soon as I saw her, but I didn’t, until now.

I had to take deep breaths before I went inside the morgue. There were no other bodies lying there, just hers. I slowly approached her, and when I was by her side I instinctively held her hand. Her hands were always cold, but it was not that pale. Her whole body was as pale as paper. I tried holding her arms, her head, I tucked her hair behind her left ear as I bended down to whisper something in her ear.

“Jaehee ya,” I cleared my throat, “Sorry I wasn’t with you.”

I kissed her forehead, and caressed her cheek one last time before stepping away from her. I wanted to go outside, to restrain myself from nudging her or trying to wake her up. I wanted to whisper the words, ‘I love you’ instead of saying sorry. I wanted so many things with her, but it will never happen, and I’ll just end up looking pathetic.

Familiar and unfamiliar people came to her wake, and I acted like a jerk by not talking to all of them. Good thing Miss Seo could, and Taewoo hyungnim was there. Joowon was also busying himself serving the visitors. They all used their day offs for Jaehee’s wake instead of her operation. Father arrived today at Jaehee last wake. Hyejoo went on the second night, but had to leave a day after for an appointment abroad.

Sometimes I could feel all of them talking about me, thinking that I may have reverted back to my old self, before I met Jaehee. I think I may have too. I don’t mind. I lived for years not caring about other people but myself. It was when I met Jaehee that I was able to change and be a better person to the people around me. I don’t mind being alone like before. But, I know Jaehee will hate me for that. She wouldn’t like it if I will be labelled as a delinquent again.

But how can I go on? How can I live a normal life without Jaehee? I don’t even want to forget this pain of losing her, and just go on with my life.
 

The day of Jaehee’s funeral was the only time me and Miss Seo could go home and change. I was the last to get dressed, so I went to our room to change. I opened the door, and saw Miss Seo tidying our room.

“Miss Seo…”

“I was just fixing your bed. Your room’s dirty by the way.”

“I… um…” she shouldn’t be doing this right now. “You need rest Miss Seo.”

“Come sit with me Suho ya,” she wanted me to sit on the bed with her. Some of Jaehee’s clothes were on her lap. They were creased, but she folded it neatly. I sat beside her and she smiled. “Jaehee never does the cleaning does she?”

I smiled back, “I never let her.”

Miss Seo shook her head. She then reached for my hand and put in on her lap, just on top of Jaehee’s clothes, “I thought she’d get sicker if she moves a lot, and does chores. I was once worried if she had very active friends at school. You could imagine my fright when she became the star on your high school play.”

The memories flashed back inside my head. Our first meeting, the play, even her first attack by the cottage near the beach. I realize every moment I spent with her was a memorable one.

“I want to apologize for the wa