Grief can't be shared. Everyone carries it alone. His own burden in his own way.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh

i.

Sometimes Yixing would wonder if this was his fault. After all he was Luhan’s best friend, wasn’t he supposed to notice these things? Shouldn’t he have seen Luhan growing thinner, sadder, seen him crumple into himself. And maybe if he had he could have helped the way Luhan always helped him. Maybe he could have kept Luhan from leaving. But now Yixing would never know and he hated what ifs and deep in his heart there was a little part of him that knew it was his fault.

ii.

He didn’t like going on the fancafe anymore because over and over he saw “why did Luhan leave?” and he couldn’t help but think it was because of him.

iii.

Yixing felt like he was drowning. Like his guilt was clawing its way into his mouth and down his throat and curling like a sleeping dragon in his lungs. Nobody blamed him, and he couldn’t understand why. He spent every day waiting for the fingers to point and the accusing voices. They never came. And he wanted somebody to yell and scream. Wanted somebody to be angry with him the way he was angry with himself. But there was no anger in his friends eyes, just concern and he hated it because deep within himself he thought he didn't deserve it.