Grief is a process, not a state

Anne Grant

i.

Somewhere along the line Yixing decided that if he just worked hard enough Luhan would return. If he was on the tv, on the radio enough then maybe Luhan would see him and remember all he left behind. So Yixing never stopped.

ii.

Yixing craved memory like a heroin addict craves their next fix. He wanted-maybe he needed, but that thought was too frightening to face- to remember Luhan. Every silly detail- the way his hair was one thousand different shades of brown, the line of his throat when he threw his head back to laugh, the warmth in his eyes when he smiled at Yixing. And it hurt, but Yixing was like a child picking at a scab. He could never heal because he could never stop, but the pain was so sweet and he didn’t mind the scars.

iii.

Once, Yixing was sure he saw Luhan leaving one of Exo’s concerts. It was just a glimpse, the back of a light brown head walking down the street. But Yixing told himself he would know Luhan anywhere and he wanted so desperately to be Luhan. So he ran, pushing through pedestrians with breathy apologies and when he grabbed his shoulder he turned to reveal…not Luhan. He apologized profusely before returning to the van. He could see the worry in everybody’s eyes but he ignored it. Because he was afraid of how much he'd hoped, and how much he'd thought his hope would bring Luhan to him. 

iiii.

Somewhere inside himself Yixing knew he'd sell his soul if he could, if it would mean getting Luhan get back.