A YEAR LATER

13 September 2012

I never thought I'd even start writing in one of these things but I'm afraid I have no person to run to with my thoughts without fear of ruining their peace, so... how do these things start anyway? Here goes...

Dear Diary,

it's been 2 months after the accident. I don't know why my parents think that taking me to see a shrink at least twice every week would help me improve. In my opinion, it's redundant. The shrink won't be able to help me, because I'm afraid the only person that can help me is gone. Far beyond my reach. And I can't seem to bring myself to even visit him.

I have been seeing the shrink for a month now and I'm not getting any better. I can summarize all our sessions with just one word: repetitive. All Dr. Kang keeps saying is that I should confide in him and that I should believe in myself and that I should treat this as another phase in life, which honestly I think is quite an insult. He's basically telling me to treat this like any other teenage breakups. Just leave it and move on. But he doesn't understand.

Maybe I could find people who can comprehend the situation in my point of view if I tried - or at least opened up to others, but I can't bring myself to. I can't talk to other guys without feeling bad. I can't communicate with other humans without thinking that it's him that I'd rather talk to. I can't tell others about how I feel because frankly I can't put this misery into words.

How can I carry on with all of this? I thought I could be better, but evidently I'm not. Up until now, I still can't look Oh Sehun in the eyes without tearing up.

It's killing me inside.

- Yoonmi