He didn’t like it. Heck, he hated it. This pathetic side of him. And the things that came with it. The feelings, the pain. And how he wished things could change. It already changed once, hadn’t it? What was wrong with having things changed again? It wasn’t like he had anything else to lose.

Right now, he couldn’t even say he wanted his best friend back. That he wanted Myungsoo back. Because, honestly, he didn’t know whether he wanted him back. The boy who had left him. How he wished he could say he missed his best friend. But he couldn’t. Because, heck, he could barely remember how it felt to have his best friend by his side.

It has been too long. Sungyeol didn’t know. And at the moment, he didn’t want to know. What was it like to have Myungsoo next to him? He didn’t want to think about it. All it was going to do, was hurt him. Therefore, he didn’t want to remember. Not now, at least.

Sungyeol didn’t know why he let himself cry again. It happened before he could even stop himself. He had always secretly known that Myungsoo had stopped caring. But this was like a stab to the chest. Why did it hurt, though? And Sungyeol thought his heart had been numb all this time. So numb that he didn’t expect to feel anything. So, why did it hurt?

Of course, it wasn’t the younger’s fault. He did nothing wrong as far as the facts went. The last time Sungyeol checked, walking out of the kitchen wasn’t against anybody’s ethics. So, he couldn’t understand. How could he feel so hurt when, in fact, nothing actually happened? Myungsoo hadn’t even touch him, and yet he was already breaking. Pathetic, wasn’t he?

At the idea, Sungyeol found himself scoff into the cool air. He had been sitting on the kitchen floor, leaning against the counter. Thinking. Just thinking. He didn’t know how much time had passed, and he really couldn’t bother to find out. His long fingers fiddled with something in his lap. Another set of fingers. Smaller ones, and much softer than his.

Sungyeol turned his head to the side, to find Myungsin next to him. Her eyes were half lidded and sleepy, as she watched her hand being played with. They sat close to each other, Sungyeol realized. Much closer than he’d have done, if he was in the right state earlier. He wondered whether Myungsin was comfortable, sitting that close to him. Because, he was. He was comfortable next to her.

“Sungyeol.” Myungsin muttered quietly.

“Hm?” Sungyeol hummed in acknowledgement. He continued to look at her as her gaze shifted from their hands on his lap, to his eyes.

“Talk to me.” She said.

Eighteen hours of dancing couldn’t compare to the two hours of shopping he had done, in terms of exhaustion. Heck, Dongwoo was ready to collapse. Preferably on a soft, duck-feathered, king-sized bed. But he would have to do with a bunk bed, for now.

At the moment, he was about to get off the elevator, along with Sunggyu and Hoya. As they made their way to their dorm’s locked door, Dongwoo noticed Sunggyu was a little restless. He had been like that ever since they got out of the van, and Dongwoo wondered why.

“Do you need to pee?” He finally asked, out of curiosity, as Hoya unlocked the door.

“N-no. Why?” Sunggyu replied as they got in. To which Dongwoo shrugged dismissively.

Myungsin understood almost everything. Maybe she’d understood it even before she'd realised that she did. If that made any sense in a person’s right mind. But she wasn’t in her right mind. Sungyeol wasn’t in his right mind. And Myungsoo wasn’t in his right mind either. That was as far as Myungsin could tell.

“You like him.” It was purely a statement. Not a question. And all Myungsin needed was a nod to know the whole story. And that was what Sungyeol gave her. A nod. It didn’t matter that it was reluctant and dazed. Because to Myungsin it was a confirmation she needed to know where she stood in this whole thing.

Admittedly, she could feel her heart drop a little. Just a little. She didn’t know why it did. But she supposed that it was because she finally understood why Sungyeol was struggling. And how hard he was struggling, and how difficult things were going to be. There were so many things she wanted to tell him, but she decided against all of them and just hold his hand with a bit more strength.

“So you two were close.” Myungsin said quietly. And it amazed Sungyeol how she figured it out. So he nodded. But what came next made something in him stir. It was stuck in his chest and he’d rather it stay there than let it come out. He didn’t want to let it out. Sungyeol knew it was a sign of breaking down and that was the last thing he wanted right now. How pathetic could a person get?

“What happened?” That was the question that came after. How was he supposed to answer when he didn’t know it himself? What happened? What had happened, really? When did it all go wrong? Sungyeol must’ve missed it. He didn’t know.

“I don’t know.” It came out as a whisper. Barely audible. But he was sure Myungsin had heard it because she tilted her head and slightly nodded. Before another word was uttered, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He knew it was Myungsin’s and he was grateful.

How could a person he barely knew be so understanding? It only came to him then, that there were so many things he should’ve been worried about. Like, how would she take it when she realized he was in love with a boy? Or whether she would tell anyone. And how would Sungyeol know that the worries he saw in her eyes were really sincere? He had forgotten all of that. A sensible part of him told him he should have been more careful, that he needed to take all his words back at once. While another part of him told him that it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter because Myungsin wouldn’t do anything to hurt him. She wouldn’t hurt him, would she?

That day, Dongwoo was a little surprise after getting back and strolling into the kitchen. The sight of a distraught Sungyeol with Myungsin next to him had caught him off guard. Before he could stop himself, the first words that came from his mouth was, 'what are you doing here?'. It was more or less directed towards Myungsin, since he wasn’t expecting her to be here. But instead of answering, Myungsin just smiled. And Dongwoo couldn’t help but smile as well.

He found out a while later why she was here. And if it was alright with his manager then it was alright with him. After the two got up from the floor, Dongwoo had noted that they were holding hands. And he wondered why. He didn’t say anything though. He only wondered.

Dongwoo had secretly made sure Sungyeol and Myungsin settled on the living room floor, in the open. He’d convinced himself that it was just in case anything unexpected happens. For all he knows, Myungsin was the first girl to ever step into their dorm. And he didn’t want anything to happen to this sweet girl. Especially not when he was on the watch. Not that he didn't trust Sungyeol, of course. But better be safe than sorry, right?

After Myungsin left and the members went to bed, Sungyeol was alone. And he did what he had always done. He thought. Many things crossed his mind but eventually, when he was sure he had thought about everything, something else slowly crept into his head.

The thought of what’d happened the day after he had cried in front of Sunggyu. That day was the day he'd promised himself he wouldn’t shed a single tear over this petty problem of his. Determined to carry on a normal life and maybe pretend that nothing was wrong until everything was right. If he had to admit, he’d have to say that it was all thanks to Sungjong. The boy who seemed to hate him to bits.

Sungyeol was impatient. He wanted time to go by faster, as a matter of fact, he’d give anything for it to fast forward by a few months. Maybe in 3 months time, things would be a little better. Perhaps, the pain would begin to subside. And if that wasn’t the case, then he would at least have gotten used to the misery, wouldn’t he?

The day after he had told Sunggyu things that were never meant to come out, Sungyeol had woken up to an empty dorm. A note from the oldest was pinned to the fridge, telling the tall boy to rest and that they would be back by four. Sungyeol was alone.

Half disappointed and half grateful, he made his way out of the kitchen and into the hallway. He eased down onto the untidy piles of mattresses by the wall, with his messy head hanging low, his long fingers fidgeting. At least, he’d have time to shower, get ready, and pull himself together.

Sungyeol had hoped a cold shower would be the solution to his problems. But that was just hope. Miracles don’t come out of water pipes. Rather than benefitting, the boy was convinced the shower might’ve gotten him sick. In three layers of clothing, rubbing his stuffed nose with the back of his hand, he made his way to the dorm’s kitchen. Perhaps, miracles would come out of coffee machines.

After three mugs of the hot drink, Sungyeol had learnt that other than grinding beans and boiling water, coffee machines did no other wonders. With his eyes drooping, his caffeinated body felt like it was about to shut down. Wasn’t coffee supposed to keep him awake? Perhaps, his condition was far beyond any help. And if that was true, Sungyeol wouldn’t even be surprised.

With thin fingers wrapping loosely around a stained mug, Sungyeol had laid stiffly on his side, by the piles of mattresses. After a while, he shuddered slightly as he fell asleep. Being the light sleeper that he was, his ears twitched as the doorknob of the front door jiggled. A few seconds after, the door was pushed open with a tiny creak.

The boy on the floor kept his eyes closed as voices of intruders became audible. The members were back. The oldest of them shushed at the rest, and conversations immediately died down. A second later, Sungyeol could hear Sunggyu hiss, demanding that they ought to keep their voices down. Was it because the oldest didn’t want to wake him up? No, Sungyeol was sure they hadn’t even noticed him laying there, by their feet. Even if they did, they wouldn’t be that generous. And he was right.

“Why? He’s already been resting all day,” A girlish voice belonging to Sungjong whined, like usual. “And it’s not like he’s really sick or something.”

“… Shut up.” Sunggyu coughed, quietly. But Sungjong couldn’t help himself.

“I bet he’s just pretending, so he could get out of sched-”

“I said, shut up.” The oldest scowled at the youngest. There was a hint of irritation in Sunggyu’s voice, Sungyeol could hear it. And Sungjong quickly dropped the subject, since he probably had heard it too.

The seemingly sleeping boy was listening, and he was hurting. He hated the way Sungjong treated him. He’d always had, but it was his own fault that he couldn’t wake up this morning. Being upset the day before took away all his energy. He knew that if he cried, this was going to happen, but he still did anyway… He did it, anyway.

The more Sungyeol thought about it, the more he hated himself. Why must he be so miserable over something that, truly speaking, didn’t deserve his time? He was sure that he was alive for a reason and it definitely wasn’t to be pathetic.

Sounds of lazy footsteps appeared to be moving in all directions, and of doors creaking seemed to come from every room. A strained smile crept onto the dispirited figure the exact moment silence hit the air. Right then and there, Sungyeol had decided he’d had enough of being the only one suffering. If the cause of his misery could still be happy, then he didn’t see why he couldn’t.

A/N: http://www.asianfanfics.com/blog/view/768951 check this post for the story's chapter analysis (meaning behind each scenes) ∞