✄ ✄ ✄

in which jungkook is black and white canvas and taehyung is vivid screaming color.

 tags: angst, romance

word count: 2972

dedicated to:

all of you masochists out there. (and destickles too)

---

✄ ✄ ✄

Jungkook meets Taehyung on the first day at University. Jungkook had been black and white and broken and Taehyung was a burst of color.

Jungkook dosen't speak much but then a crazed Taehyung appeared in his life and didn't look like he wanted to leave.

 

 

 

"Isn't it tiring?" Jungkook asks on the second day of University.

Taehyung stops flailing his arms around and drops them to his side. "What is?"

"Being... All like this... Like you." Jungkook says, gesturing to Taehyung and the latter just smiles.

"Nothing gets tiring when you're doing it with someone you like." 

That's all Taehyung says and then he's back at it again.

Jungkook hadn't known what 'fun' was. He'd never had a sip of alcohol in his life. Had never done anything illegal.

He was black and white.

Taehyung had been a burst of color and it was like Jungkook's world had lit up once Jungkook came into it.

And he had never been so grateful for it.

 

 

 

 

"Did you mean it?" Jungkook asks once, fiddling with his fingers.

Its been a week since University began.

Jungkook's world had shifted. It was all suddenly in more color, just not quite like Taehyung's.

"Mean what?" Taehyung had asked back again, his eyes staring into the distance while they sat on the bench facing the field of the University.

"That... You liked me?" Jungkook asks, his cheeks pinking at the embarassig question.

Taehyung's mouth curves into that rectangle smile and Jungkook melts a little.

"Of course! What's not to like about you?" Taehyung says and he reaches out to ruffle Jungkook's hair.

Jungkook had honestly never thought about what there was to like about himself. 

Sure, many people had told him he was good-looking but he was too anti-social.

"I'm anti-social. I don't talk a lot. I'm anything but interesting. I'm boring. I'm not—" 

"Shut up." Taehyung deadpanned, staring Jungkook straight in the eye.

"You're beautiful. Inside-out. You don't show it but you are. I'm never bored when i'm around you. You're the smartest person i know. You're the guy i fell in love with. Stop beating yourself up over such nonsense." Taehyung says, shocked Jungkook.

Taehyung reaches out and pulls Jungkook into a hug and Jungkook feels the tears coming before they fall.

He dosen't know why but it might be beause he'd never heard so much trust in someone's voice when speaking to him. It might have been because Taehyung's words sounded like a promise. It might have been because he'd never been told that he was loved. It might have been because he loved Taehyung too. 

And then while Jungkook cried like this for the first time in his life, there was Taehyung right there holding him and he'd never felt so safe in someone else's embrace before.

 

 

 

Its been 4 months since University began.

The first time Taehyung goes over to Jungkook's house is for a project. Taehyung leaves his shoes outside of the house and then walks in behind Jungkook, immediately placing his coat on the coat hangar next to the door.

"Aren't you making yourself at home." Jungkook jokes as he gets them both some drinks.

"I like to think that whatever is yours is mine." Taehyung smiles a rectangle smile and Jungkook's eyes soften at the sight.

And every other time Taehyung comes over, he does the exact same thing.

 

 

 

 

During the 5th month after University started, Taehyung brought Jungkook out for a movie.

"Do you want to see a movie, Kookie-yah?" Taehyung asks, eyes lighting up as his expression falls into the pitiful puppy one.

"Where?" Jungkook asks, not looking up from his textbook.

"The cinema! Duh!" Taehyung exclaims and flails his arms around excitedly and Jungkook laughs.

"I haven't been to one before, though." Jungkook says after a beat and Taehyung's jaw drops.

"What?! Movies are like, the basic entertainment!"

"I never had anyone to go with or any reason to." Jungkook says and shuts his book.

"Well then, i'm going to be the first person to bring you to one. You're going to love it."

Jungkook loved the little talks they had as they got to the cinema, he loved how Taehyung was so focused for once in his life as he watched the movie in silence, he loved how Taehyung insisted they buy the biggest popcorn and somehow managed to persuade Jungkook to eat half of it.

He loved those little details more than the main event itself.

 

 

 

 

And then it had been 6 months since the two met.

Taehyung had gotten permission from his parents to move in with Jungkook and the shoes and coat thing have become a habit.

"Don't you get bored of the same games?" Jungkook asks one day as he closes his textbooks and turns to face Taehyung who is playing a mobile phone game.

"These games are like you. I can't ever get bored of them." 

Jungkook feels the blush creeping up his cheeks and Taehyung's cackling laughter shows that he noticed it.

 

 

 

 

Before Jungkook even realised, it had become 9 months.

Jungkook's life had never been more colorful. He was the canvas and Taehyung was the paint.

He couldn't be complete without him.

Taehyung was such a permanent figure in Jungkook's life.

"Taehyung! Your socks are in the middle of the hallway!" Jungkook would yell every day after he comes back from his classes since his ended an hour after Taehyung's.

"Leave it!"

"No! Get here and pick them up, you lazy oaf." Jungkook would scream and there would be grumbles as Taehyung picks them up and disappears to his room.

Then an hour later, while Jungkook would still be fuming over how irresponsible Taehyung was, Taehyung would peek out of the room and then make his way to Jungkook.

Taehyung would wrap his arms around Jungkook and not let go until Jungkook forgives him and then somewhere around that time, Jungkook decides he loves Taehyung more than he should.

 

 

 

 

"Y—You're leaving?" Jungkook chokes out. 

It had been a year since University began.

Just that day, he intended to tell Taehyung that he loved the stupid orange-haired boy but then Taehyung dropped a bomb.

"I am..."

Taehyung had just told him that he would be moving to Jeju for a while and it was taking all Jungkook had to not break again.

"So... When are you coming back?" Jungkook's voice shakes a little as he reaches up to fix Taehyung's messy hair.

Taehyung had chosen his words carefully. But Jungkook just nodded and bit his lip before turning away.

Taehyung had become so much to Jungkook that he couldn't imagine how he'd stay together while Taehyung is gone.

"I don't know... I'll visit, as often as i can. We won't drift and i won't leave for long. Jungkook-ah... Can you wait?" Taehyung whispers, eyes hopeful and terrified.

Jungkook had never seen that look in Taehyung's eyes before. 

"I'd wait forever if you're coming back." Jungkook whispers back and feels his stiff body being pulled into a hug. 

"When will you be leaving?"

There's a pause before the reply comes and words have never cut so deep into Jungkook.

"Tomorrow."

 

 

The goodbye is curt, simple and over a phonecall.

"Visit soon, okay?" Jungkook bites his lip and holds back everything he really wants to say.

"Do... Do you have anything you want to tell me? Before i leave?" Taehyung says and Jungkook can hear the announcement for passengers to board the flight.

Yes. I want to tell you how much i don't want you to go. I want to tell you how bad it hurts right now. I want to tell you how much I love you.

"No." Is what he says instead.

"Okay. Goodbye Kookie-ah."

"Don't say goodbye." Jungkook whispers just when Taehyung is about to cut the call. 

"It sounds like you really are leaving forever. Say that you'll see me later instead." Jungkook's voice catches and he barely bites back a sob.

"See you later." Taehyung says and its dead silent as they listen to each other breathe.

Just when Jungkook checks if the line's been cut off yet, he hears Taehyung say one last thing before the line is cut.

"I love you."

Jungkook is greeted with a dial tone after that and he utters an "I love you too." before he finally breaks down back into the pieces he was before Taehyung came along.

 

 

 

They'd been exchanging phone calls every friday night since then. Taehyung would tell him that he'd visit on Sunday but something would come up and he wouldn't come after all.

Jungkook is always disappointed but he dosen't ask for anything more than to just hear Taehyung's voice.

"I promise. I'll be there with you tomorrow. I don't care what comes up this time. I want to see you." Taehyung's voice makes Jungkook feel a little more alive, a little more put back together and a little more colorful. 

Jungkook dosen't just want to see Taehyung.

He needs to see him.

And their conversation ends when Jungkook tells Taehyung he has to go and none of them want to put down the phone. Like always.

 

 

 

Jungkook realises he dosen't know what time Taehyung is coming over only when it's the next day.

And so, he spends the whole day at home. Waiting.

He's afraid that if he leaves, Taehyung might come and he'd miss him.

Jungkook's waiting goes from an hour to two, and then to five and then to ten.

He's been staring at his phone and he can't call through to Taehyung but then, his phone rings and an unknown number appears on his screen.

He dosen't want to pick up, but then he slides the answer button anyway.

They say the navigator and engine were faulty and the plane veered off course and landed on the coast of Seoul.

There weren't any survivors.

Jungkook dosen't see the link of that to him until the person on the other end says, "I'm sorry."

Jungkook feels like his whole body had been dumped with cold water. He almost drops his phone and he can't find his voice.

Jungkook crumples to the floor and the tears roll down his cheeks and he dosen't even realise he's crying.

And then he's yelling at the phone. Saying that it was all lies. Taehyung wouldn't leave him. Taehyung promised.

He cries for a long while, he dosen't leave his room. He feels so numb.

And then it's freezing because when it reaches night-time, it pours outside. 

Jungkook curls up in a fetal position because its cold and he missed Taehyung's warmth.

And then he tells himself it's alright because Taehyung will be back soon. 

Because when Jungkook was in pieces, Taehyung came to put him back together. 

 

 

 

It's been a week since it happened. When they told him Taehyung is gone and when Jungkook yelled at them for lying.

He still thinks they are.

Jungkook finally leaves his apartment when the food in the fridge is emptied out. 

He has Taehyung's coat on, because he misses the scent of him.

He's wearing Taehyung's shoes even though they're way too big for him.

Taehyung used to tell Jungkook, "Why not try to walk a mile in my shoes, and then you'd see how perfect you are in my eyes."

Jungkook would scoff and heat Taehyung's shoulder and wave the comment off.

Just then, the smell of popcorn overwhelms him and he looks up to see the huge cinema that Taehyung brought him to.

"Buy the biggest one, Kookie! Buy it!"

"But Tae! We can't finish that!"

"Yes, yes, yes we can!"

"... Fine."

The tears well up in his eyes and Jungkook bites his lip and turns away. 

And then his feet drag him back into the cinema and his mind can't register why.

And then he realises.

Jungkook buys the biggest popcorn again and the cashier gives him a weird look.

"Hey, were't you here with your boyfriend the last time?" The guy smiles but Jungkook can't find the strength to smile back.

The tag reads, Jimin.

Jungkook's reply is barely audible. He hasn't heard his own voice in ages.

"He isn't my boyfriend." Jungkook manages to whisper and a pang shoots through his chest as his mind rings. 

He really wasn't no matter how much i wished he was.

"But you two were so cute together! How are you? Why are you here alone?" The cashier, Jimin, begins and Jungkook's eyes must've flashed with something because Jimin freezes, beckons his co-worker over and then reaches to grab Jungkook's arm and guide him to the employee's locker room.

Jungkook flinches back before Jimin can touch him and Jimin apologises.

"I... I'm sorry i don't know why i flinched back like that. I... I'm handling a lot." Jungkook whispers and Jimin carefully places a hand on Jungkook's shoulder, inch-by-inch.

"What happened?"

"Th—They told me Tae is gone. They said no one survived the crash. They told me that Tae is GONE. They're all lying." Jungkook shivers and his chest constricts again.

Jimin's expression turns into one of understanding.

"But... That crash happened a week ago. Have you been eating?" Jimin asks and Jungkook dosen't have the strength to talk anymore so he barely nods.

"Wait for me. I'll take just 5 minutes. Stay here, alright? I'm going to help you, got that?" Jimin's voice is so reassuring, Jungkook's mind flashes with Taehyung's face and Jungkook smiles softly.

Once Jimin is out of the employee's locker room, Jungkook stares at the wall clock and counts.

One.

Time passes so quickly.

Two.

It's been one year.

Three.

I hate time.

Four.

I bet Taehyung hated time too.

Five.

I don't want to remember anything.

 

 

 

Jungkook's counting isn't in time with the clock and the second hand passes too quickly.

And then Jimin is back and helping Jungkook up.

"I'm gonna help you get back on your feet, but you have to promise to try your best to accept everything."

Jungkook decides he needs all the help he can get.

"Okay."

 

 

 

 

"You're a liar too, Jimin. Stop! STOP." Jungkook screams again and Jimin winces.

"Listen. I've been nice and you're not listening so that's it. Taehyung. Is. Gone. He's left. He's in a better place now. I get it, he was the only person who cared but now i'm here. I'm not Taehyung but i'm a friend now. Taehyung wouldn't want to see you like this. It would break his heart. He loved you, did you know that?"

"He's only told me a few hundred times." Jungkook whispers, staring at his fingers.

"Then i'm glad he did. He still does, believe me. Jungkook, you need to accept it. Let's start slowly. Okay?"

 

 

 

 

Jungkook tells Jimin many things. Things he could never tell Taehyung. Things that he had always wanted to say but never had the chance to.

"I loved Tae." He whispered and Jimin smiles softly. 

"I know."

"Do you think he knows?" Jungkook's voice is lighter when he speaks about Taehyung.

"I'm sure he does."

"But i never told him." The reply comes a moment later as Jungkook bites his lip in regret.

"I'm sure he knew anyway."

 

 

 

 

"I want to forget him." Jungkook says all of a sudden. Jimin is manning the cashier and Jungkook is sitting behind. Just watching.

"No."

"Don't try to forget him. He was one of the best things that happened in your life and you were the best thing in his. Don't forget him."

It takes Jungkook 10 seconds to sink that in and stop thinking of forgetting Taehyung.

"Okay."

 

 

 

 

The next time Jungkook cries is when Taehyung's parents finally call him up. They told Jungkook that the gravestone is up and that he is welcome to visit any time.

Jungkook dosen't want to go.

"I can't. Jimin, i just can't."

"Why not?"

"Because i'm terrified." Jungkook whispers.

"Terrified of confrontation. His parents might hate me. It's because i kept telling him to visit, so he took that flight i can—"

"Did they sound like they hate you?"

"No but—"

"They didn't sound like they hate you. Why are you afraid? You were the closest and most important person to Taehyung and they could never hate someone who made their son so happy. Just visit Tae and his parents. It's gonna be alright, Kookie."

Jungkook has never been more grateful to know Jimin. Without Jimin, he'd probably be in the ER. He might even ready be dead.

It was Jimin who helped him stay on his feet but it was the memories that made him stay sane.

Jungkook visits the next week and he cried a lot. The whole place screamed Taehyung. It all reminded Jungkook of Taehyung but Jungkook didn't break down as much.

Jungkook wasn't a single bit over Taehyung. He still loved the orange-haired weirdo who flailed his arms around when he was excited. Jungkook still loved the kid who would cling onto him.

He wasn't over Taehyung but he wasn't devastated anymore.

He would love Taehyung till the ends of time and he would say it aloud everyday for the rest of his life. He would still do anything to have him back. 

Jungkook loved Taehyung enough to let go. So he did.

He let Taehyung go and he knew that even while Taehyung wasn't physically here, he would stillbe with Jungkook forever in his heart.

 

 

 

 

---

 

 ✄ ✄ ✄

"I still love you down to the thinnest fiber of your very existence. and I still wonder why." - summerchild 

---