It’s everything you wanted,

It’s everything you don’t.

It’s one door swinging open

and one door swinging closed.

Some prayers find an answer,

Some prayers never know.

We’re holding on and letting go.

—Holding On And Letting Go; Ross Copperman

The skies are unusually grey, like a wilting flower slowly losing its colour to the wind. It’s been a while since I finally got out of the apartment to run. The sun had just begun to set, leaving the sky to hide behind glass skyscrapers and concrete jungles. The gym in the building would’ve been sufficient, but I threw on my grey sweatpants and hoodie anyways because I needed to go outside after being in the office the entire day. The polluted fumes of the metropolis intoxicates my lungs, and in the back of mind I tell myself it was probably a lot healthier to have picked my route around the park than weave through the smoggy streets and narrow alleyways. The breeze breathes the stray tendrils away from my face, the cold fanning across my skin and I raise the back of my hand to wipe the sweat from my eyes. The music pumps through my ears and keeps me going enough to forget the ache in my legs. Quiet breaths escapes my lips as I pass another block, and I try to remember how long I’ve been out running and if Chanyeol was already home.

The tall building approaches anyways, and I keep my pace until the revolving doors of the lobby comes into view. The lights on the top of the lift doors blink, bringing me higher and higher until I’ve reached the top floor where the executive suites are nestled in. The sweat traces down the sides of my face, a light sheen painting my skin as I tear my earpieces out from my ears to welcome the sound of voices—hold up, voices?—coming from behind my door.

Three figures have already taken over my living room, and scraps of paper and countless open magazines litter the carpets. Chanyeol’s carrying a bowl of food out just as I walk through the foyer, slowly taking in the mess. Baekhyun and Haewon are on the floor where my table should’ve been, with her flipping through different magazines which, from where I could see, turned out to be bridal titles. Chanyeol pauses in step to grace me with a smile, before he holds his left arm out, motioning for me to come to his side, which I do because who was I to reject a chance to hug him. He tries to kiss my hair and I pull away, whining a soft I’m sweaty and gross but he leans forward anyways to plant his lips on my crown.

He practically pulls me into his lap when we sink onto the sofa, staring down at the other couple in the room. I grab a Cheetos from the bowl, munching down as I scan the magazines and then land my eyes on Baekhyun. “Pray tell why it’s always my apartment you use as your bridal planning headquarters,” I say tiredly, extending my leg out to nudge his arm. “Because yours is the biggest, duh.” He doesn’t even turn when he responds, and Haewon rises from her place only to settle by my side, showing me pages after pages of white laces, chiffons and silks.

This sight was fairly normal over the past few weeks. After Baekhyun proposed back at the beginning of Spring, I’d come home sometimes to a house with more than one other person. Somehow, Baekhyun had decided that the only place big enough to house four adults, while being a decent halfway distance between his and Haewon’s place, was my suite. Plus the fact that I had a ton of magazines from the company and others that they had sent to my office, was basically a library free for them to use.

Usually I had to kick them out before it got too late on weekdays, because I needed my time alone after a long day, plus the fact that I wanted to spend time with my boyfriend without the prying eyes of two other people who had no business hanging around my apartment any longer. But looking around at my living room, at the laughing face of Baekhyun, the soft smile on Chanyeol as he reaches forward to nudge Baekhyun, the mirth in Haewon’s eyes, I realise that this must be what the stories talk about. The kind of warmth of having the people you love around you, and it could’ve been the side of the street or the dingy narrow alleyway, or right here; it would feel like home. This is what simple serenity was.

“I think this one is pretty simple, but still elegant, don’t you think?” Haewon says excitedly, while trying to keep the cover up so Baekhyun couldn’t take a peek. I scan my eyes over the page, and the swirls of lace and slight train at the end of the ensemble, and I can’t help the girly gasp that escapes my lips. “Oh my god this is beautiful, Hae,” I pour over the dress, grinning excitedly. She smiles too, clapping a little and we put our heads together, flipping the page and dragging our eyes over the rest of the collection.

Haewon and I had grown pretty close after the third time we had met, and even more than I thought possible after Baekhyun had proposed, because she needed to tear herself away from Baekhyun’s side to find a girl’s opinion on wedding ideas. And what better than someone who knew Baekhyun better than anyone else, and on top of that, an editor at a magazine specializing in all things women?

The ring glitters on her finger, the sun reflecting off the diamond when she pushes the door open, leading me into the store. I had called Chanyeol’s sister, Yura, previously because I thought she’d have contacts of other dressmakers in the city, and I thought right as we walked through the isles of white. The both of us had already set our sights on a certain design, and although it would be hard to find the exact dress, we were pretty objective on what we wanted out of it.

Being with Haewon was a completely different dynamic from being with Baekhyun. I didn’t have many females I trusted enough to keep close, which left me with Baekhyun and the group of friends I made, also being a bunch of guys. I was used to being one of the guys, fitting right in that sometimes they’d forget I was actually of the opposite and that my anatomy worked a little differently from theirs. But Haewon just made me realise the kinds of things I was missing out from if I hadn’t met Baekhyun that fine day back in college. It wasn’t that hard to click with the girl. It was like having a sister to talk to, to banter with, to hug and after being alone for so long, I never longed for a sibling as much as I did then. We complemented each other pretty well; she had a personality not quite similar to mine and I didn’t like every single thing she liked, but it was a new way of growing and I appreciated it greatly. And technically, we were best friends by association anyways, so it set the foundation for our friendship.

Haewon tugged me by the elbow when the employee approached us. “What can I do for you ladies today?” She asks with a gentle smile, probably one that had been plastered on her face for years now. “I’m a friend of Yura’s, and she said that this was the place to be for wedding dresses,” I offer my hand out to her, and her eyes light up in recognition of the name before she takes my hand and shakes it. “Ah yes, she mentioned that you’d be visiting. This way please.” She walks forward, and Haewon raises her eyebrows at me to which I return with a shrug. The woman leads us deep into the store, and we emerge from the isles to see large private rooms lined in the back, separated by cream curtains. “Fancy,” I whisper, pulling Haewon along.

She pulls on the curtain, stepping aside until the both of us are inside before coming in and drawing it behind her. There’s a plush sofa pushed to the wall of the room, with a table set before it and a bucket of ice, a bottle of champagne already buried in it. An elevated floor is on the other side of the space, a variety of dresses already hung up behind it, surrounded by another curtain. The both of us kind of just stand there, taking our time to appreciate how grand this store really was and damn, Yura, say bye bye to Baekhyun’s money now.

The three of us end up discussing the whole idea for the wedding and design of the dress over a glass of champagne. The lady, Stephanie, introduces some of the dresses she thought were right for our whole vision, and she leaves to prepare the dresses with the matching accessories. I cross my legs, taking another sip of the golden liquid, the slight smile never leaving my lips. I was honestly excited for all the preparation, because it reminded me of how I used to fantasise about all of it when I was a kid. The dress, the flowers, the venue, the food, everything had to be just right. Of course, this time I couldn’t exercise full control over everything like how I naturally would simply because it wasn’t my damn wedding, as much as the innate dominating side of me kept trying to convince otherwise. Haewon had her own vision, and it was so beautiful that I had made a promise to have it as close to how she imagined it. Just how the forgotten, hopeless romantic in me liked it.

Stephanie ushers Haewon behind the curtain to start trying on dresses, and I’m left alone on the couch. I hear the commotion behind the curtain, sometimes Haewon’s gasp and that neckline is way too low it should be illegal and I have to stifle my laugh behind a fist so that I wouldn’t add on to her nerves. Suddenly everything goes still and the curtains are drawn, with Haewon standing on the raised platform holding a bouquet of flowers, a thin veil resting over her head and wearing one of the dresses Stephanie had picked out. She raises her eyes and meets mine, waiting for any gauge of reaction. I look at the whole ensemble, dragging my eyes down the small tiara on her head to the ends of the silk, before shaking my head and raising my arms to make an X gesture.

“It’s the neckline isn’t it?” Haewon questions, voicing her previous concern once again, and I put a finger to my lips, trying to form a decent opinion. “If you’re not comfortable with it, it’s not gonna look beautiful no matter how much makeup they try to cake your face with to make it look like you like it. So, next!” She nods slowly and flashes a smile that seemed to say thank you and I just give her a thumbs up, as if to say I got your back, girl.

And the cycle continues just like that.

The curtains would open, and Haewon would stand there, an expectant look on her face as she awaited my approval, which never came time after time again. Sometimes it was the overwhelming amount of ruffles, other times it was just the way the material fell on her body in all the wrong ways. Haewon is patient, graciously accepting each and every criticism I came up with, and I understand just why Baekhyun needs her.

We were similar, scarily so, Baekhyun and I. Our college friends used to say God messed up and separated our souls, placed them in different families. Like reflections in a mirror. If he raised his hand, I would too. If I tilted my head, he would follow. That’s just the way we worked.

That’s just why he needed Haewon. Someone who was more than a mere image of himself. Someone who would guide him and fill in the cracks, not just point out the flaws. She was patient when he was not, gentle when he was too hard on himself, fair when his mind would only see one path.

And that’s why, as the curtain was drawn and Haewon came into view, I knew that it was okay to let go. The dress hugged her body as if it had b