Baekhyun

Have you ever known the feeling of drowning, without actually being submerged in water? 

As if the air was suddenly so suffocating and it got so hard to breathe and there’s no where to run because God it’s all around you and all you wanted was to be rid of the pain that swallowed your lungs?

All I knew for sure was that I had royally ed up, and that I may have miscalculated the rate that my breath would run out. 

My instincts told me to pick up the phone and call her, and so I did.

It was an familiar motion, to hit 1 on speed dial, because for as long as I’ve known, she was the only person that mattered enough to be my first call. I held my breath the entirety of the dial tone, waiting for her to just flood my ears with her warmth and her reassurance and comfort—

“The number you have dialed is—Hey, I’m trying to imitate the woman here, will you quit tickling me? Jesus!”

The tapping of my fingers ceased.

“Anyways, she’s kinda busy and would really appreciate it if you’d leave her a message after the beep-”

The phone was snatched away and laughter came through the headset, before it was cut off by the monotonous sound signaling the start of the recording.

I pulled the phone away from my ear slowly, as if it weighed a ton and I had lost all strength in my arm. My body fell into the leather chair, and I leaned back. For so long, I just stared at the pristinely white ceiling, trying to make sense of the chaos in my mind and my heart.

Why did it feel so strange? Why was it that when I heard Chanyeol’s voice in the message, my stomach began churning and a slow fire began spreading beneath the surface of my chest? 

I didn’t tell her about the person who held my heart. I couldn’t bring myself to. I was afraid that if I did, she’d think I didn’t need her around anymore. I was afraid that she’d want to leave me. Live out her own life, one that didn’t really have me in it, and slowly forget me.

Selfish bastard. That’s what the person in the mirror spat at me, and all I could do was look away, scared to admit it.

All I wanted was to keep my love and my best friend, was that so wrong?

My head fell into my hands, and I held it tight. Then I dialed again, and again and again. Every time my silent pleas were met with the droning sound of rejection. I decided that even though the strange feeling was painful, this was like I had been beaten and battered and left to die. The reality that she might very well leave me hit me harder. She didn’t want to speak to me, and soon she’d never want to see me again, the next thing I knew I’d have lost my best friend forever. 

“Selfish bastard.”

She’d be fine with it, right? I mean, it’s just a girlfriend, not like I was getting married or anything.

I shook my head.

I was just waiting till I was sure of her, that’s all. I didn’t mean to keep lying to her. 

I stopped.

She’ll be fine. 

“Stop lying to yourself.”

I hit my head against the back of the chair, over and over. She might as well have been doing it; pick up a bat and swing it at me. Maybe that would’ve made it easier. 

I hurt her. I lied to her. She’s in pain, and it’s all my fault.

I couldn’t swallow the lump in my throat, not with that truth hanging over my head, like a sword on an unraveling thread. The pain of the punches dulled out to the thought of her hurt. I promised never to bring her heartache. That day long ago when the snow made layers outside our apartment window ledge and we sat within, a soap opera playing in the back and our heads huddled together under a fort of pillows and sheets, I promised to protect her. I thought it was Chanyeol I had to be wary of, little did I know it was me I had to protect her from. The person she trusted with all her secrets and all her tears and all her smiles; a monster she just didn’t know yet. Well, it had finally reared its ugly head and she’d gone running, crying because she had so believed the disguise it wore like a cloak. Her heart was a weak one; a frail little thing that had to be held with the tenderness of a dove. I had just been too careless with it. 

I am a horrible person. The absolute worst.

So many could haves, should haves, yet none of them could deliver me from this personal hell. The imaginary flames surrounded me, holding me centre in the blue of the inferno; the hottest ring in its cage. I couldn't even struggle, or rather I didn't want to. I deserved it anyways. It was the least I could do to make up for the pain I put her through. 

I wasn't sure how long I sat in misery. I contemplated the thin line between running to her and allowing her to leave, over and over. My inaction fuelled my anger, yet it also placated my timidity. 

What a mess.

"Baek?"

Suddenly, a voice broke through my haze. It sounded familiar enough, and so I raised my head. 

She had her head poked through the slit in the door, her eyes wide but the line of her lips stretched wide. I pushed the chair back and walked over to her, opening the door wider and allowing her through. The pain grew too much to bear, more so with the sight of her. This was Haewon, the woman I was in love with, yet why was I seeing the mirage of another that put my heart more at ease. My hands shot out and I pulled her close, placing my lips on hers. 

I tried to heal myself through