My Dearest, Loveliest, Loyal Readers!

I apologise profusely about not having updated earlier. I had a lot of exam stress this week and was also sick, so I wasn't able to finish the chapter within the time I'd planned.

But, here it is, finally. Thank you for your patience.

Chapter 31

Through the haze of his dream, he could hear the faint sound of persistent knocking. He thought, if one could call it thinking, that it was someone knocking on a door far away, but the closer he floated towards consciousness, the more he became aware that the knocking he heard was closer than he'd first thought.

Whoever it was, was knocking at his door.

He lifted his arms above his head and stretched, his body contorting with tension and then collapsing in a slump.

The knocking persisted.

"Coming!" he called groggily and then climbed wearily out of bed. He dragged his feet across the floor, debating whether or not he should throw on a top: he was only wearing pyjama bottoms. But after the deliberation of a second, he decided against it.

Anyone who knocks at my door this early will just have to deal with my state of undress, he thought grumpily.

To be fair, it was 8am, so it wasn't that early, but it was also a day on which he had no morning lectures, so he wouldn't have had to have got up until it was almost time for his shift at the café. So, even though it wasn't uncommonly early, the knocker had earned his ire for having disturbed him on one of the few days when he could sleep in.

He opened the door wide, with attitude.

And was immediately disarmed by the smiling face before him.

"Hi," YuGyeom said extending a bag to the half-dressed BamBam. "I brought breakfast."

BamBam got out the plates and utensils as YuGyeom unpacked the breakfast items.

"Sorry for waking you. I thought you'd be up by now. I wanted to catch you before you went to class," YuGyeom apologised.

"I don't have class this morning," BamBam explained.

"Oh," said YuGyeom, "I'm really sorry, then."

"So you weren't really sorry before," BamBam smiled, teasing him. "But I suppose it's not that big a deal. You may have stolen my sleep but you brought me food, so I guess with an exchange like that, I can forgive you."

YuGyeom smiled back.

He really has a beautiful smile, BamBam couldn't help but think.

He looks . . . cute . . . especially when he smiles, YuGyeom thought at the same time.

YuGyeom took a seat while BamBam made the tea. Then he sat across the table from his guest.

They began to eat in silence, each occasionally lifting their eyes from their meal to look at the other. Whenever their eyes happened to meet, they would shift their glance elsewhere, or smile a small, self-conscious smile before continuing to eat.

"So, how are your classes coming along?"

"Fine, I guess. I still have to do a lot of research for my term paper," BamBam replied.

"I still have to start on mine," YuGyeom noted. "Maybe we could go to the library together. I should have started a week ago, but I haven't been able to get myself in gear. Maybe if I went when you're going . . . as long as it's okay with you . . ."

"Fine with me. I'm going tomorrow right after work, so it'll be easy to go together," BamBam suggested.

"Yeah," YuGyeom agreed. Then, changing the subject, he asked, "did you hear that Mark isn't coming in today? KwangHee is taking his shift."

"I know, I heard. I also heard it was because of his ex . . . " BamBam added, joining in with the gossip.

"Do you mean JinYoung? He isn't his 'ex' is he?" YuGyeom asked slightly confused. "I thought they were together and he just had to go back home to take care of something."

"They were exes before, but then they got back together, but I heard that he left without much word to Mark, so who knows now. You've seen how Mark's been looking ever since he left . . . "

"I thought he was just sad," YuGyeom said.

"What, checking his phone every chance he got and getting that look on his face? It was obvious to everyone that he didn't phone or text."

"Everyone?"

"Yeah, everyone at work. You didn't get what's been going on?" BamBam asked incredulously.

"No . . . I guess when I'm at work I concentrate on other things like . . . filling orders and cleaning up, you know, stuff like that," YuGyeom smiled.

"Well, we didn't really talk about it during the afternoon shift, but I worked a couple of other shifts to make up for the ones I had to miss during exams, so the gossip was rife. It was a big topic of discussion, especially during the evening shift. Once I went back to the regular shift, I started to notice what Mark was doing with his phone," BamBam clarified.

"Oh, that's how you knew? For a minute there, I thought that my powers of observation had gone on the blink," YuGyeom sighed relieved. "But then why's he taking the day off?"

"I don't know. Maybe JinYoung came back and they want to . . . you know, make up for lost time," BamBam smiled.

YuGyeom smiled shyly and then lowered his eyes at what BamBam was suggesting. Then he asked in a quiet voice, "have you ever been in a relationship?"

"Who, me? No, I've never been in one . . . . What about you?"

"No, not yet," YuGyeom answered.

"Ahhh," BamBam smirked, "not 'yet'. Does that mean you'd like to?"

"I think everyone would like to," YuGyeom responded. "Sooner or later, I mean," he added.

"So, which is it? Sooner or later?" BamBam teased.

YuGyeom felt his face getting hot.

"Whenever it happens. I don't believe in forcing things."

BamBam leaned in as though he was trying to keep what they were discussing secret between them, although they were the only people in the room. "So . . . is there someone you like, with whom you don't want to 'force things'?"

YuGyeom turned serious. He didn't like that BamBam had asked that question, because for him, it meant that BamBam had no clue. If he'd thought, even in the slightest, that YuGyeom could like him, he wouldn't have asked. So, by asking that question, it made it clear to YuGyeom that he didn't imagine that he, BamBam, could be the person he was interested in.

He was disappointed. He thought he'd made it a little obvious. That evening they'd spent together. But now it seemed like BamBam hadn't even thought of it as a date. Okay, he hadn't said it was, but anyone could tell that it definitely was, right?

YuGyeom had had no experience with this kind of thing. He'd liked the odd person in the past, but had never worked up the nerve to ask anyone out. So . . . Then he thought, perhaps, looking at it closely, he hadn't actually asked BamBam out the way people usually would. He hadn't said, 'if you'd like, maybe we could . . . ', he'd just said basically that he wanted them to hang out. And he'd also given him plausible excuses for why he'd paid for everything.

Now it seemed he'd been too clever for his own good. Now, he knew that BamBam hadn't thought of their evening together as a date and chances were that he also didn't think of YuGyeom in that particular way.

"What's wrong?" BamBam asked, noticing the change in atmosphere.

"Nothing," YuGyeom responded.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have pried," BamBam said. "That's why my family calls me 'Snoop McNosey' sometimes. I guess I should try to control my curiosity. Sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable."

"No . . . no, it's okay," YuGyeom smiled briefly, trying to rescue the situation. Then, in the next second, he unwittingly put his foot in his mouth.

"Is there someone you like?" he asked.

He almost clapped his hands over his mouth. Why had he asked that? It was now obvious that it couldn't be him, and if there was someone else, he didn't want to know.

BamBam just smiled.

"Thanks for breakfast," he said.

He didn't even answer the question.

YuGyeom felt, for a moment, like the biggest fool in the world. But he also knew that he hadn't liked anyone in his life as much as he liked BamBam. That meant, that if there was any hope of anything happening between them, he would have to be a little less shy and act in a way that was a little clearer. So, if they were going to go out again, he was going to have to make sure that BamBam understood exactly what his intentions were; in other words: that it was actually a date.

Once they'd cleared up after breakfast, YuGyeom got ready to take his leave.

"You can stay, if you want. Then, later we can leave for work together," BamBam proposed.

"Actually," said YuGyeom checking his watch, "I've got a class in . . . 10 minutes. If I leave now, I'll just make it in time."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to make you late," BamBam apologised.

"No worries, you didn't know."

YuGyeom headed to the door.

"So I'll see you at work, then," he said, slipping his shoes on.

"Yeah. See you then," BamBam said, opening the door.

"Oh, and by the way . . . "

"Yes?" YuGyeom said, hesitating in the doorway.

"The answer to your question . . . is . . . 'maybe'," he smiled.

*                                *                                *                                *                                *

That morning, Mark was the first to stir.

It wasn't that early, but JinYoung was still knocked out.

Mark looked at him with eyes full of sympathy. He reached out tentatively, touching his hair lightly, so as not to disturb his sleep. He knew that after everything that had happened: JinYoung having left in the way that he did, and then not contacting him, he should be angry, but looking at him now, his face relaxed in slumber, he couldn't feel anything even akin to anger.

JinYoung's face looked drawn. And even though he was sleeping, Mark could spy dark circles under his eyes. Whatever had happened, it had clearly taken a toll on him and Mark, loving him as he did, in spite of the fact of what had happened, could not, during this moment of stillness, find it in himself to think of his own pain. He could only think of JinYoung.

As he repeatedly inhaled deeply and exhaled softly, Mark lay there watching over him. Again, he was reminded of Endymion. Then, he remembered the last time he'd thought of that myth.

It was the morning after the engagement party, when MiRa and JinYoung had played 'the happy dating couple' in front of his parents the night before. That morning, he had offered to move out. That morning, he had asked JinYoung to seriously consider what his feelings were for him and for MiRa.

That morning, he had been willing to let him go.

Now, for some reason, it felt like they were at a similar impasse. And, just like that morning, he was in no rush for JinYoung to wake up.

He was afraid.

He didn't know what JinYoung would say about what had happened while he was gone; about what had made him go in the first place, or about the way he went: leaving Mark with no forewarning, no explanation, no contact. So many thoughts had gone through his his head while they were apart. Some flew through fleetingly, while others took hold doggedly, refusing to be shaken away. And those were always the worst ones. Every time he'd tried to imagine the best, the worst would take hold and torment him, as even the seconds seemed to tick by far more slowly.

But he'd waited so long. He would wait a little longer.

As he looked at JinYoung, his face full equally of quiet and disquiet as he slept, Mark, continuing to his hair softly and lovingly, while resisting the urge to kiss him gently awake, silently begged him.

Don't JinYoung . . .  please don't . . . .

*                                *                                *                                *                                *

Mark just sat there, stunned. Now he knew. Everything.

JinYoung had slept with MiRa.

His JinYoung.

He'd left and gone back because he thought that she was pregnant.

He'd been ready to marry her.

But then, she had suddenly decided to be honest and come clean.

So, now he was here.

"Mark . . . " JinYoung said shakily. "Please. Say something."

Mark wanted to say something. The problem was, he didn't know what to say. So he just sat there in silence trying to process what he'd just heard.

After a few moments, as the shock began to wear off, questions began to form in his mind. Part of him didn't want to know the answer to these questions. But the other part of him needed the answers.

"When?"

"When . . . what . . . " JinYoung asked nervously.

"When did you . . . sleep with MiRa?"

"It was . . . after you left. I knew that you wouldn't be coming back. I knew that it was . . . over between us . . . I had already lost you . . . and I just . . . I just wanted to try . . . to see if I could . . . love her . . . so that, at least, I could please my parents," he said wretchedly.

"How long after? Was it the night I left? When she went to see you?"

"The night you . . . ? No, no, of course not," JinYoung answered. But then a realisation began to dawn on him. "How did you know she came to see me the night you left . . . ? Mark . . . no. . . . . . . did you? Did you come to see me that night? Were you there?"

Mark didn't answer.

"Why didn't you come? Why . . . ?" JinYoung asked in a broken voice.

"We . . . we accidentally met in the lift, MiRa and I. She told me that I . . . I would only end up making you feel more miserable if I went to see you. I was already unsure if that was the right thing to do or not anyway . . . so what she said, sort of . . . made me see how stupid I was to go there in the first place. How little sense it made to try to go back," Mark revealed.

JinYoung now had another reason to hate MiRa. Mark had been coming to see him! Maybe they could have worked it out then, if only they'd had the chance to talk one last time. Maybe he would have been willing to give JinYoung another chance. If he'd known there was the merest chance, he wouldn't have . . . they might have . . . The thoughts swirling through his mind at once became a dagger, stabbing at him over and over again.

If only he had . . . if only he had just come to me . . .

But Mark, oblivious to his inner turmoil of his thought, just asked again, "When, JinYoung? When did it happen?"

This time, it was JinYoung's turn to be silent as he struggled to answer.

As they sat in the heavy quiet, Mark began to think. And the conclusion he reached made him feel sick. It couldn't be. JinYoung wouldn't do that to him.

"Is that . . . is that why you came to Seoul, JinYoung?" he asked fearfully.

"Mark . . . "

"Please, just answer me, JinYoung," he said, not wanting to know the answer, but needing to know.

"Yes. It happened the night before I came to Seoul," he finally answered quietly.

Mark felt like someone had just hit him in the chest with a sledgehammer.

JinYoung quickly slipped out of the chair he'd been sitting in and fell to his knees before Mark.

"Please, Mark . . . I just . . . I thought I'd lost you . . . I thought I should at least try to . . . " he pleaded pitifully.

"JinYoung, you came here," Mark said gravely, "you came here and told me you loved me..."

" . . . I did . . . I do . . . "

" . . . you told me you wanted us to be together. But, you didn't tell me . . . I asked you, why you came now. Why now? And you told me nothing, except how much you loved me and how you'd somehow realised that you couldn't live without me . . . . Do you understand what you did to me, JinYoung?" Mark asked, a pained expression spreading across his features. "You didn't give me a chance to choose whether or not . . . or even a chance to understand. Maybe I would have understood. Maybe not. But it would have been my choice. Freely. After knowing everything. But, the only person who had a choice in this was you. You made me believe that somehow, just out of the blue, you'd decided that you couldn't live with us being apart . . . "

" . . . I couldn't, Mark . . . "

"But you didn't tell me why. You didn't tell me what had happened . . . with MiRa. When we . . . when we made love, I didn't know . . . Don't you understand how wrong that was?" Mark asked sadly, looking into JinYoung's eyes.

He knew.

"And then, you just left because you thought she was pregnant. And you kept that from me. You didn't mention a thing. Then, you decided you were going to marry her. Again, you . . . all by yourself. So when exactly was I supposed to find out about that? When one of our friends got a wedding invitation?"

"Mark . . . " JinYoung begged, his eyes pleading.

"No, I forgot . . . " he said, irony lacing his voice, " . . . you were going to tell me today. That's why you were coming here in the first place, to finally tell me everything and then to drop the bombshell on me that the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, was going to marry someone else. That's what you'd planned on doing until she finally admitted she wasn't pregnant. Suddenly, after everything, you felt the urge to tell me the whole truth, straight to my face, to salve your own conscience. So, let me just sum this up: you slept with her, then you slept with me without telling me anything about it, then you got a pregnancy scare, decided to get married and were just coming here to tell me about your plans. Have I got it right, JinYoung?"

JinYoung just lowered his eyes from Mark's, continuing to kneel before him.

"All those lies, JinYoung. Deceiving me. Why did you do it? How could you do it?" Mark entreated.

At this, JinYoung raised his head. "I just wanted to forget that it had happened at all," he confessed. "It meant nothing to me, Mark. Nothing. I didn't want to tell you because . . . I thought it should never have happened in the first place, so I thought there was no reason to make it come between us," he offered in way of explanation.

"But then, when you thought she was pregnant . . . "

"I didn't know how to tell you about that if you didn't even know that I . . . " his words dwindled off.

Mark saw the desperation in JinYoung's face.

But he just looked at him, wondering who he was.

His JinYoung would never have done this. In all the years they spent together, he had always been honest with Mark, even if it would have served him better to omit something or to tell an outright lie to cover something up. Even if the reason would have been that it was less worrying for Mark not to know something. That had been one of the strengths of their relationship. That had been one of the most powerful things that made everything work. But now . . .

As he sat there looking at JinYoung's face, he only felt . . .  

. . . sorry for him.

And he felt sorry for himself. Because he knew that despite everything, some part of him still loved JinYoung. But alongside that truth, the inevitable question arose, 'what about trust?' How could he be with someone who had, within such a short period of time, gone from being someone he could always trust, to someone he couldn't trust at all? How could he now be with someone who could conceal the truth from him, over and over, without even batting an eye?

"You were going to marry her," Mark said looking away.

"Yes . . . "JinYoung admitted despondently.

"And now, you're here with me," Mark said.

"Yes . . . because I love you. I've always loved you," JinYoung said taking Mark's hands in his.

"I've always loved you, too, JinYoung," Mark said turning to look back into JinYoung's eyes. "But, more importantly, I've always trusted you, and I've always respected you. And I thought you respected me."

"I did . . . I do . . . " JinYoung tried.

"If you had respected me, you would have been honest with me. About everything. From the beginning," Mark said.

"I was afraid . . . afraid of losing you."

Mark's gaze dropped.

"I'm sorry, JinYoung," he said, withdrawing his hands.

"Mark, please . . . " he said, recapturing his hands. "Everything will be different now. All of that happened because I was trying so hard to please my parents. I just wanted to be a good son to them. I didn't want to hurt them. I didn't want to hurt you, either. But, I ended up hurting everybody in the end . . . "

"What do you mean, 'hurting everybody'?"

"I . . . I . . . told them," he said.

Mark's eyes widened in wonderment and . . . fear.

"You told them what . . . ?" he asked slowly.

JinYoung looked at Mark steadily.

"I told my parents about us. How long we'd been together. How much I love you. Everything," he said sadly, recalling their reactions. "Believe me, I just want to be with you, Mark. That's all I want. I know I did the wrong thing by not telling you the truth. I should have told you everything, every step of the way and I promise, if you give me another chance, I'll never let you down. Please, forgive me."

Mark sat there for several minutes, staring down at his hands in JinYoung's. And as he sat there, he began to feel increasingly cold, as though the blood in his veins was slowly being replaced by ice water.

So much had happened; much more than he could ever have imagined: and he had been in the dark the whole time. If things had gone differently, JinYoung wouldn't be here telling him how much he loves him. He'd, instead, be here telling him that he was getting married. That was the truth of it. Then, he would have left to lead his new life as MiRa's husband, with Mark left to nurse a broken heart which he couldn't imagine would ever have completely mended.

So, no matter how much he didn't want that to be the case, Mark found that as he looked at him, he could only feel a cold, distant sympathy for the person kneeling on the floor in front of him. He no longer felt anything remotely warm or affectionate.

He didn't feel anger. Or sadness.

But he also didn't feel love.

Apart from sympathy, he felt nothing. And sympathy wasn't something anyone could, or should, build a relationship on.

So, finally, he slowly withdrew his hands from JinYoung's.

"I understand what you did, JinYoung. Even why you did it. I really . . . do understand. And, to be honest, I think I can even forgive you . . . "

JinYoung looked into Mark's eyes, his heart surging with hope.

" . . . but I'm sorry . . . I . . . can't ever be with you again."

:(     T_T     TT_TT

I want to thank you all for the wonderful comments you left after chapters 30a and b. They were fantastic and I just wanted you to all know how much I appreciated them.

I sort of got hooked on ChrOlli, DeRo, Larias and Max & Iago while I was ill, but now I'm back to writing.

Thank you for supporting this story. I will try to update faster from now on.

Please comment, subscribe and upvote. Comments ALWAYS make my day and motivate me to keep writing. They REALLY do.