Hello, Dear, Faithful Readers!

Here is the update.

Chapter 20

The party was winding down.

Both YoungJae and Mark had their housewarming parties on the same night: it started at Mark's and ended up at YoungJae's.

It was getting late and most of the people had gone. There were only a few left. BamBam and YuGyeom had come because Mark had grown somewhat close to BamBam, who'd then asked if YuGyeom could come along. The younger student had been feeling incredibly homesick and BamBam was hoping the party would cheer him up.

"You don't have to help clear up," YoungJae said as BamBam brought him dishes from the living room, while YuGyeom started wiping the drying dishes and putting them away.

"I don't mind."

"I don't mind, either," YuGyeom added. "It's almost natural cleaning up after people now."

"You'll make someone a good wife," BamBam kidded.

"By the looks of how you're cleaning up, so will you," YuGyeom returned.

"I had a great time. I haven't danced so much and played so many games in a long time," BamBam said.

"What a relief. I thought people might think games were boring and old fashioned," YoungJae said.

"No, not at all. They got everyone talking and laughing. I hate when you go to parties and everybody just stands around not knowing what to say. Then they try to get drunk as fast as they can so they can loosen up, but they just end up getting sick all over the place. That's not my idea of fun," BamBam replied.

"What do you like to do for fun?" YuGyeom asks absently.

"Lots of things."

"Like what?"

"I haven't had much time for fun with exams coming up and with work, but, I like arcades. I like games like we played tonight: cards and word games, as long as they're not too serious. I like when people talk and laugh and just have fun, I guess. We did that a lot at home."

"Do you miss home?" YuGyeom asked.

"Yes. I miss my family and I miss the friends I had there. But, I'm here for school and I'm making friends here too, so it's not too bad."

"I miss home."

"I know," said BamBam. Then he walked up to him and his shoulder. "It'll be alright though. We're friends, right? So, whenever you feel lonely you can come to me and we can hang out, okay?"

YuGyeom beamed his shy and innocent smile.

"Okay," he said as he picked up the next dish to wipe dry.

"Mark?"

"Hmm?"

"What's wrong with me?" HimChan asked. He was snuggled next to him on the couch. Mark had an arm hung loosely around his shoulder while HimChan played with the fingers on Mark's other hand.

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong with you," Mark answered.

"Then why don't people like me?"

"People do like you," Mark assured him.

"No, they don't," HimChan pouted.

"Yes, they do.  . . . I like you," Mark said.

HimChan perked up. "You do?"

"Of course I do. Why do you think I invited you?" he smiled.

"Mark likes me," HimChan said as he burrowed closer to him before woefully adding, "even if no one else does."

"What is going on between those two?" Jackson asked leaning towards JB. GaYeon had already left. She had a very early training session in the morning. There was a very important match coming up and she was determined to win it.

"I don't know. It looks suspicious, doesn't it? I mean, look at the way that HimChan guy is cuddling up to Mark. You don't think he likes him, do you?" JB asked.

"Well, he's a nice-looking guy and Mark is single . . . "

"Since when have you been able to tell if a guy is good-looking? JB asked.

"Since always," Jackson responded. "I might not be into guys but that doesn't mean I can't tell if someone's hot. And he's definitely hot. And Mark's got a thing for black hair, doesn't he?"

"First 'nice-looking' and then 'hot', I'm going to have to tell GaYeon to keep an eye on you. And what do you mean 'he's got a thing for black hair'? Practically everybody has black hair. That doesn't prove anything."

"Ah, go back to your beer. You know what I mean."

"Yes, I know what you mean and I think he didn't like JinYoung just because of his hair. Thick, shiny hair isn't all there is to a person," he observed.

"Ooh! Now look who's going on? I never said anything about 'thick' and 'shiny'. What made you say that? Who are you thinking of? Anybody in particular?" Jackson teased annoyingly.

JB took a swig of beer.

"Of course not."

"Uh-huh," Jackson said.

*                                 *                                 *                                 *                                 *

"JaeBum-Hyung," YoungJae said shaking him.

"Uhhhh," JaeBum groaned.

"JaeBum-Hyung. It's getting late," YoungJae tried again. "Everybody's gone home. You have to go home and go to bed."

"Let me sleep for five more minutes . . . " JaeBum droned.

"Hyung, are you drunk?"

JaeBum rolled over onto his back and sighed.

"I'm just tired. I'll just sleep for a little while, okay?"

"Hyung, you can't sleep here. Your back will hurt in the morning," YoungJae said.

"YoungJae-ah, I'm too tired to go home. Can't I just sleep here?"

"Hyung, I can't let you sleep here. I just said, you'll hurt your back."

JaeBum opened his eyes.

"Can't I sleep in your bed tonight?"

YoungJae felt his whole body go red if it were possible.

"What was that, Hyung?"

"Can't I just sleep over? Your bed is big enough. I should know. I moved it in," he smiled.

"Well, I . . . "

"We've slept in the same bed together before. Can't you just let me sleep over tonight? I'll leave early. You don't even have to make me breakfast or anything. Okay?"

"I . . . well . . . " If I say no, he'll think it's strange, YoungJae thought to himself. So, pulling himself together and trying to look as nonchalant as possible, he said, "Sure . . . of course, Hyung."

There was plenty of room, so there was no need for them to even have to touch each other. So, at first, YoungJae was relieved.

He'll just sleep. Then he'll get up and leave in the morning. Early, he said. No breakfast. This doesn't have to be awkward. Hyung and I are friends. I'll just stay on this side and he'll stay on that side and everything will be fine.

But JaeBum seemed to have other ideas.

As soon as YoungJae had turned the light out and burrowed under the blanket, JaeBum slid towards him.

"Remember how I used to hold you at night sometimes and you told everyone how I treated you like a teddy bear?" he asked softly.

"Mhm," YoungJae murmured in agreement. Although, inwardly he pleaded, Hyung, please don't come any closer . . .

"Well, I miss my teddy bear. I've missed my teddy bear for years and years," JB said.

Is Hyung drunk? Why is he saying this?

Then he swept YoungJae into his arms.

YoungJae's heart started pounding hard against his chest.

I'm sure he can feel that. This is so embarrassing!

"YoungJae-ah."

"Yes, Hyung," he said wishing he could just die and disappear.

"You feel the same as I remembered," JaeBum said wistfully. "Holding you . . . it feels the same. I missed this so much. I missed you."

"I . . . missed you, too, Hyung."

Then they both fell silent.

Moments passed. Then just before they both fell off to sleep, JaeBum pulled YoungJae even closer into his arms. Then he kissed the top of YoungJae's head lightly and breathed softly into his hair, "I love you, Choi YoungJae."

*                                 *                                 *                                 *                                 *

"Hey," said JinYoung. "Come in."

"MiRa walked through the door with bags of groceries.

"What are you cooking tonight, some sort of feast?" he joked.

"No, I just wanted to try out a special new recipe, that's all," MiRa said. "You know, Oppa, since I'm over here all the time, it would be easier if I just had a key."

JinYoung didn't answer.

"It's okay. I can just keep ringing the bell and you can just keep getting up from whatever you're doing and answer the door," she said merrily.

"It's just that . . . I didn't think we were that far along, yet," JinYoung said.

"Maybe you're right. Anyway, I'd better get started," she said taking the pan out of the rice cooker, "or else we won't be eating until midnight."

MiRa stood next to JinYoung as he washed the dishes.

"We both make a good team, you and I," MiRa said. "I cook and you always clear everything away and do the washing up."

"Dinner was very tasty," JinYoung complimented. "And you went way out with the candles. I haven't had a dinner by candlelight . . . well, for a long time . . . "

"I'm glad you liked it."

She walked across the kitchen and picked up out a bag she'd deposited in the corner. Then she went to the cupboard and took out a couple of glasses. Afterwards, she stole into the living room, leaving JinYoung to finish the cleaning.

When he came out, he was met with a surprise.

There were two glasses on the table filled with champagne. There were flower petals strewn and MiRa had changed.

Into something more comfortable.

"What's this about?"

"It's an attempt at seduction. Come and sit down," she said patting the seat next to her. After he was seated next to her, she looked into his eyes. "Oppa, do I have a chance?"

"MiRa, we've talked about this already and . . . "

"I know. I know we have but . . . ever since that night . . . I've never been able to forget it. I'm sorry if that makes you feel uncomfortable, but why should it? I know that we started this to keep our parents off our backs, but my feelings have grown far past that, I think yours have grown, too. We've become so close, we nearly finish each other's sentences . . ."

"That's not an indication of anything, MiRa. Anyway we don't. And we're just good friends. Why does it have to be more than that?"

"Because I want more than that. And to be honest, your parents and my parents want more than that. Do you think this marriage thing is just going to go away? Well it won't. And I know how you feel. I get the same pressure at home. What I want to say is, we have things in common. And we get along, don't we?"

"MiRa . . . "

" . . . music, for example. And plenty of other things. Even our teamwork in the kitchen. Oppa, things are so comfortable with you. You understand me and I understand you. Doesn't that count for something?"

JinYoung didn't answer. So MiRa just continued.

"When I thought about getting married in the past, I thought I wanted to be swept up in some sort of maelstrom of passion, but I never met anyone I felt that way about. Then, I met you. And we became friends and after knowing you, I've finally realized that a relationship based on friendship and mutual respect is something that could really make me happy." She paused.

"I was just lucky enough to also fall in love with you."

JinYoung just sat there listening and looking uncomfortable. But MiRa thought to herself, since she had already gone this far, she couldn't stop now. This might be her last chance.

"I know your feelings for me are not the same as my feelings for you; a fact that has bruised my pride more than once, I can tell you," she said with a pained smile, "but wouldn't it be nice, since we have to be married sometime, to be married to someone you actually like being around? I know we could get along well. We already do."

"There's more to marriage than just 'getting along' . . . "

But even as he said that, he could feel his resolve beginning to crumble. Everything she was saying made sense. He knew that he would have to marry someone someday, so why not her?

But his feelings for Mark. They hadn't changed.

What about that fact? What was he supposed to do about that?

He didn't know how he could carry on without Mark, but as long as he was stuck in this holding pattern, he could harbour the hope that there was a chance. He didn't know how it would be possible to live a life with Mark while pleasing his parents, but he couldn't give up the idea that there must be a way.

MiRa could see she was losing him. She could see that, in the beginning, he had begun to sway, to consider what she'd been proposing, but now his expression was changing into one she knew well. She had to act fast.

"You said that there's more to marriage than just 'getting along'; I know that. I don't mean that I expect us to live like brother and sister. That's what tonight is all about."

JinYoung's face registered confusion.

"I know that you can want me, Oppa," she began. "I was hoping that we could just try. Just this once, really try and then you can see how you feel."

She pressed against him holding him with her breath dancing across his neck.

"I love you. If I wasn't absolutely sure you could love me, too. I wouldn't be here doing this. I know you can love me the way I love you if you would give yourself a chance. I don't know if some other woman hurt you and that's why you're so afraid, but I promise, I won't hurt you. I only want to love you," she said and began pressing soft kisses against his cheek.

When he looked at her, he saw tears of desperation in her eyes.

"Can't you just try?" she asked as she began pressing kisses against his neck. "I love you . . . I love you so much. Please give me a chance. Give yourself a chance."

That night, JinYoung took her in his arms and tried to return the love she had professed to him.

And, unbeknownst to him, a small item wrapped in a bag stuffed away from prying eyes spoke its truth in symbols.

That night, MiRa was ovulating.

*                                 *                                 *                                 *                                 *

For one joyous moment, when JinYoung woke up, he experienced a feeling of bliss.

He felt a warm body laying next to his, only very slightly touching his back, and he knew.

It was Mark.

Everything . . . Mark leaving . . . everything . . . had all been nothing more than a very vivid, very bad dream.

Mark was there next to him and they were as happy as they'd always been and he was going to make breakfast after giving his dearest love a good morning kiss.

But then he opened his eyes.

And turned over.

And he saw that it wasn't Mark at all.

It was MiRa.

As she slept, her face looked serene, sweet and still.

But, JinYoung couldn't appreciate anything about her.

All he could feel was crushing disappointment.

She was laying there, looking so beautiful that, even then, he tried to summon up feelings of love for her, but the truth was . . . he felt nothing.

After all this . . . after everything, his heart still ached for Mark.

He rolled onto his back and closed his eyes, sighing miserably.

He had tried everything to please his parents.

Up until now, he had lived his entire life trying not to disappoint them, but now, after this, he knew it was impossible.

He couldn't go on like this.

He simply couldn't live another second denying his love for Mark.

He'd felt more and more miserable ever since this entire thing started and, he'd hurt Mark, his deepest, dearest love, so much he felt he had no choice but to leave. Now, because of his indecision he'd involved the feelings of another person.

How many times did MiRa tell him last night that she loved him?

The truth was, he'd wanted to love her. He'd wished he could love her. Loving her would solve all his problems. That's why he tried. But, even after that, he still wanted Mark.

He still longed to wake up to his slumbering face. Mark's sweet face was the only face he would ever want to see laying on the pillow next to his in the morning. The ache would never go away. Now he knew that for certain.

He was sorry for what he had done, but just as he knew he had done absolutely the wrong thing, somehow, he was just as convinced it could, in some way, be undone.

What they'd had for over a decade, the depth of it and the breadth of it, couldn't possibly be so easily forgotten. He knew that when Mark left with no intention of returning, they'd become . . . ex's. But, it didn't have to end there. It couldn't.

He would find Mark. He would confess to him what he had done. Mark would listen. Mark would forgive him. They could be happy again.

They had to be. They just had to be.

*                                 *                                 *                                 *                                 *

That afternoon saw JinYoung seated on a flight to Seoul. YoungJae, after numerous calls and texts, finally told him that Mark was, indeed, in Seoul, but he wouldn't say where.

But that didn't matter. JinYoung would find him if he had to comb every street to find him. He couldn't let Mark go again. He knew now that his life was nothing and would never be anything without him. So, if Mark felt the same. They had a chance.

As he leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes, his mind replayed the horrible events of that morning.

*                                 *                                 *                                 *                                 *

Once they were seated at the breakfast table, MiRa had tried to reach for his hand. He pulled away.

He then explained to her that he could never feel more for her than friendship.

"Then what was last night?" she asked, a mixture of hurt and fury in her voice.

"I am sorry to say this, but it was . . . a mistake," he said ashamedly.

"A . . . " she couldn't get the word out.

"I tried. I really tried, MiRa, but last night just proved to me that I can't love you the way you deserve. I can never love you the way you love me. I wish it hadn't happened . . . "

"You wish . . . do you know how you're making me feel right now?"

"I didn't mean it that way . . . I just meant that I wished it hadn't happened because it was wrong, and you're so hurt right now. I didn't want to hurt you. I . . . I wanted to love you. I wanted to try. But I can't."

MiRa's face changed as her anger began to fade and only the hurt was evident.

"Oppa, what happened between us last night would be enough," she said.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I don't need more than that. I mean . . . I don't mind marrying you as a friend and only having friendship and what we had last night. You . . . never said you loved me. There were no soft, sweet words from you. Only from me. But that's okay. I can live with that. That's what I mean when I say, I don't need more than that. Even if you aren't exactly 'in love' with me, I'm still sure we can be happy together."

"MiRa, what I'm trying to say is that . . . that can never . . . that will never happen again. Do you understand?"

"But, Oppa . . . "

He took her hands in his.

"MiRa, listen to me. I shouldn't have done what I did last night. I knew, deep inside that I didn't love you and because I didn't follow what I knew, I've ended up hurting you. I am so sorry. If I could take it back, I would."

"You saying you regret it so much makes me feel worse, don't you understand that? Like I was something low and filthy you should never have touched."

"That's not at all what I mean. I could never think that. I just mean, I've ruined everything between us by doing this. I just wish I hadn't ruined everything."

And so it went on. MiRa getting angry, then sad, then angry again and JinYoung falling over his own tongue with apologies that were too little and way too late.

*                                 *                                 *                                 *                                 *

Now, he was sat on a plane that would be landing in a matter of minutes in a city where Mark was.

While he'd been packing and making arrangements at the office, he'd felt a strange sense of euphoria. He would fly to Seoul, find Mark and they would fall into each other's arms. He would explain, Mark would understand and they would start anew.

But now, he wasn't so sure.

What if Mark didn't understand? What if he hated JinYoung and never wanted to see him again?

It's one thing to expect forgiveness, but honestly, how would he have felt if the tables had been turned?

That afternoon, YoungJae was at home. He had slept in. He'd had a late recording session the previous night and one was scheduled with the same client for tonight. He'd just finished having a late breakfast and was about to go back to lie down when the doorbell rang.

When he opened it, he got a colossal shock!

"Hello, Jae-Jae," JinYoung said stepping forward to pull him into an affectionate hug.

When he released the surprised YoungJae, JinYoung brought his bags across the threshold and stepped out of his shoes and into the living room.

"YoungJae-ah, please, I need your help. I need to see Mark. I have to talk to him. Can you please tell me where he is?"

Hey.

I know that there are a lot of you who want to kill me right now, but I have a few words to say in my defence. There are a lot of men in the world who love other men, but because of their families and societies, feel that they should try very hard to change that fact. I have heard of and have personally known gay men who have even married and had children with women in an attempt to either 'make themselves straight' or appear to be so, so that they won't be rejected. This is unfortunately a very typical occurrence in countries all over the world, so, try not to freak out too much about what you just read. This story may be set in a very alternative version of South Korea, but if you remember the foreword, the question was: "what is a filial son . . . supposed to do . . . ?" and in this story, JinYoung's character is a filial son. Here, he is also an only son and that position in many societies carries a special type of pressure.

Anyway, I hope you'll understand and stick with the story.

If are a reader who feels you can't stand to read it anymore, I understand, but please don't feel you have to tell me about your decision. I don't need to know.

If you are a reader who can brave this storm and stick with the story, THANK YOU!  (*^_^)

And for everyone reading this, please try not to lose heart. Please keep in mind that this is not a JinYoungxOC fic.

It is a MARKJIN fanfic.

I will be updating again very soon. Thanks again!