A/N: Dongho! (Yeah, there's a bit of him in this chapter c: ) And here's Kevin simply because I like this picture for some odd reason. And 'Take Me Away' sung by dear Kevin himself (and Hoon ;> > But mostly Kevin) is a great song to listen to while reading this chapter. I honestly listened to it the whole time I wrote it. And though I never wrote it, I used it in this chapter. You'll see when c;

It's about a month since the car accident. It's been about a month since I've been here. For a while I kept a close count of how much time has passed, that way whenever Eli finally regained consciousness I would be able to tell him exactly how much time has gone by and assure him that it wasn't that much. But as each day came and went, it's only become more and more difficult--more and more painful--to keep track. To watch the tally-marks grow...

Poor Eli hasn't gotten much better, but at least he hasn't gotten worse, which has been a great relief. I haven't seen Kiseop too much after I shooed him out, but then again I haven't seen much of anyone except the nurses, the doctors, and some other patients I may have passed whenever I'm walking around. And of course, Eli. I see him the most. I'm by no means complaining though. I absolutely prefer it that way. It seems silly whenever I realize it, but I can't help but become anxious when I'm not looking at him or am at least near him or in the room. Even if it's just for a few minutes, even if it's just for a mere few seconds, anything could happen in any amount of time that I'm gone. And if I'm not there, how would I ever realize it? I'm sure the doctors with all their equipment that they have hooked up to him and whatnot would alert them somehow, and it's not like I could fix anything on my own, but if I'm there when something goes wrong at least I'd be able to let them know sooner. If something were to go wrong...at least I would have still been there for him and not end up feeling guilty that he had to suffer alone. No one should have to suffer alone.That's why I'm here anyways.

I'm here for him.

And I'd like to think that my being here helps the staff as well. Now they practically have another nurse to assist one of their patients and since I'm not being paid for it, their expenses aren't being increased. It's a win-win situation. I've probably grown closer to Eli than I have with anyone in my entire life, including family, and he's not even consciously here to contribute to the growing relationship. Sometimes I fear I've grown too close.. But I don't regret it a bit. Maybe it's just me, but if I were in Eli's situation--no family, no friends, to know no one here--I'd love to wake up and find out that I was never alone.

So why should he be alone?

It's difficult with all of his dressings, which have begun to heal nicely, but I've been trying to clean as much of him as I can with a wet wash cloth. Just because you're unconscious I doubt that makes going without a shower any more enjoyable. Originally it was the nurses' task, but of course they're quite busy with everyone and I feel so helpless just sitting here, just watching and not being able to do anything except take up space, so I offered to take over the job. It was awkward at first. (Especially since you're trying to maneuver dead-weight) I'm not sure I would even cleanse someone I was dating whether they were aware of me doing so or not. And even though there was nothing to be embarrassed of since there was no one there to see, I could feel my skin boil and my cheeks turn red everytime I would do so. But that all has subsided now. I still feel an odd tingle in my stomach--it's such an intimate act--but I'm much more comfortable now. Sometimes I get nervous and even more embarassed thinking: whenever he does wake up he'll probably think I'm weird because I'll act like I'm so close to him. Like I've known him my whole life and that I've done things for him probably only married couples do. (Unless you're a nurse, which I'm not)  And all the while he'll be meeting me for the first time. But then I realize...

..I only have to worry about that if he does wake up.

I used to find it so difficult to sleep on anything except my bed, but now the couch in the small hospital room is what I find most comfortable. If I'm not sitting in the chair beside Eli's bed, I'm sitting or sleeping on the couch. The plastic-y feel was hard to get used to, and my neck was terribly stiff the first week or so, but hospital blankets are some of the largest and warmest blankets I think I've ever experienced. I sleep on that couch, I eat there, relax there, study and read there; I do just about everything there. But I don't mind it a bit. I'm only a few feet away from Eli. And if I'm asleep on the couch and something happens, all I have to do is open my eyes and he's right there. When the sun finally comes streaming through the windows to wake me up, I'll open my eyes and he'll be the first thing I see. It doesn't matter where I'm at or what I'm doing. When I wake up, when I walk in, when I look up, open my eyes, anything--he'll be the first thing I see.

I've spent countless hours at the side of his bed, and through this time I feel like I've come to know him almost as well as I know myself. The only things I don't know about him are things that aren't tangible. But the contours of his face and his body, the feel of his hands, the smooth texture of his skin; I know them better than the alphabet--in either Korean or English. I probably know his features more so than I do my own. But because I've come to know him so well, I've also noticed the changes. Of course there are simple things, like his onyx hair growing longer, his short nails increasing in length, so I'll trim them for him. I try my best to keep him in tip-top shape so when he wakes up it will be like no time has passed. Like he simply fell asleep in a hospital bed and woke up the next morning.

But there are also things I can't change.

If there's one thing about him that stands out to me, it's that he's a broad, well toned man. That was probably one of the first things I've realized about him. But while he probably used to enjoy spending some of his time playing some sort of sport, working out and working on his appearance, now he lays here motionless as ever, and I've noticed that his body has changed. I watched it change with every passing day. I've felt his body change and transform right beneath my grasp. His once strong muscles gradually become less and less firm. His body which once felt so strong and healthy in my hands now does not.

It's like I'm watching him wither away, right before my eyes.

The longer that I'm around, the less noticeable it seems. The more I see in succession, the more things seem familiar. But if I go to use the bathroom, go for a walk around the rest of the hospital or go to the cafeteria to get something to bring back to eat, when I come back and see him again the changes hit me like a train. It's like sitting in a room, on the computer for hours on end. You know it's gone from day to night, but when you finally look away from the screen and look around the room, you're in shock at how dark it is. It seems so sudden.

I've noticed that I've changed as well. Sometimes these changes shock me even more. 

I guess you could say I'm chic. Fashionable. Or at least I was. But now my own appearance isn't of importance to me. There's no need to impress anyone. There isn't anyone to impress. Maybe Eli, but who knows when he'll finally see me.. I haven't gone outside since I walked Kiseop out that one day. And even then I was only outdoors for a second or two. The nurses and doctors desperately advised me to spend some time outdoors; assured me that everything would be fine when I came back; "Just take a relaxing walk. The weather is nice." they'd tell me. But I can't bring myself to leave the hospital. I feel like even the main entrance is much too far. It took a lot of time to bring myself to even leave the hospital room. I don't eat all that much in the first place, but my appetite now isn't as big as it used to be. Whenever I did grow hungry I'd just call some place nearby and request that they make the delivery all the way up to the door of room 148. Now I don't mind meeting them at the front of the hospital. But I'll only do that sometimes simply because using the hospital kitchen/cafeteria was awkward. I felt bad, acting like it was my own home. But realizing it was a shorter distance from room 148 than any other means, I grew accustomed to that too. I can't bring myself to eat anywhere besides the hospital room though. Eating takes too much time, and that's time I can easily spend while watching over Eli.

Because all of this though, my skin has lost more color than is probably healthy. I do sleep, but I spend night hours (just like any other hours of the day) sitting next to Eli, lightly trailing the tip of my finger across the contours of his idle face. My mother used to do so to me when I was little. It always relaxed me and helped me fall asleep. In a way, Eli is already "asleep" but I like to tell myself that it feels nice for him too. I'm not too aware of how quickly time passes anymore, and I'll only sleep when my body is desperately begging for it. I feel fine, but dark circles have now been placed beneath my eyes. I think I'm thinner too. I don't pay too much attention to my reflection though. There's no reason to.

*    *    *

"Man," I heard the door softly click behind me. I usually would have assumed it was the nurse, but she had come by not too long ago. ..And the voice was much deeper. And was a familiar sound that I hadn't heard in a long time. "Do you look rough or what?"

I quickly looked towards the intruder only to have my eyes meet dear little Dongho. He's growing up so fast. "Dongho!" I usually wouldn't care for visitors, I'd rather it be just Eli and I, but Dongho has a pretty lax attitude that I wouldn't mind being around.

"So this is where you've been, huh?" He pulled the other chair that was in the room beside mine--next to Eli. "You know everyone is worried about you, right?"

I could feel my brows furrow with slight agitation as I looked at him. But he only glanced at me before looking away and towards Eli instead. "Yeah. But they shouldn't be because there's nothing to worry about. I'm perfectly fine." I couldn't help but give a slight huff, leaning back in my seat. Didn't anyone respect others' decisions anymore? "So why are you here?" I tried to sound kind as usual, but I could feel the sharp edge of my words as I spoke them.

"I know you're okay," Thankfully he didn't sound upset. Just a bit apathetic, but that's how he always was. "And I'll tell everyone that you are. I just wanted to stop by and say hi. Maybe give you a little more company than just..." I could tell he didn't know how to phrase the rest of his sentence. He didn't need to though. I already knew what he meant. 'more company than just a comatose person'.

"So this is Eli, huh?"

"You know his name?"

"It's on the sign next to the door." Of course it was. I don't know why I was so surprised. "Kiseop mentioned it too."

I let out a small, "Oh.." I felt stupid.

"So how long has it been now?"

"About two months I think?" I still haven't caught up with all the days. Dongho just nodded, both of us  just watching Eli and letting a placid silence fill the room.

"You should keep a journal," He finally broke the silence and I was a little relieved. Not because I minded the silence (when it's just Eli and me, of course it's going to be pretty quiet) but because I wasn't use to having a third person accompany the noiseless atmosphere. "to organize your thoughts, you know?"

The rest of Dongho's visit was rather pleasant. It wasn't excessive and didn't consist of more than it needed to. Just some small chat and eventually he was out the door just like everyone else, and everything went back to normal. Just Eli and me. But of course eventually the nurse had to come by and disrupt that too.

"Eli-ssi~ Eli-ssi~" My eyes were focused hard on his closed eyes, but I could still see her gently tapping his hand from the corner of my eyes. "Can you hear me? Eli-ssi, can you hear me- -"

"He can't." Usually I would just disregard the check-ups and simply wait patiently for the end result, hoping with all my heart that it would be nothing but good. But this time I couldn't bite back my thoughts that transformed into audible words. "Trust me." My voice was dripping with pure acrimony, and I didn't like it, but I couldn't help it. Maybe I should take on Dongho's suggestion of a journal. It sounded relaxing enough. Maybe I could write it for Eli so he could read it when he wakes up. Yeah, that would be nice... It would probably be a bit heartwrenching to read, but at least he wouldn't be missing out on anything.

"Now, now, Kevin-ah. No need to be bitter. It's just part of the standard procedures. And plus, you never know." Wait. What?

After she left I took it upon myself to do a great deal of research. Medical studies wasn't exactly my thing, but I was determined to learn as much about the comatose state as I could. I stopped by the small lounge/study-like room on the floor that had a decently sized bookshelf of educational books and plucked out a few regarding comas. And because the books could only offer me so much, I ended up sacrificing what little sleep I usually got in order to scoure up information on the internet. Much to my surprise, what I found...it put a smile on my face.

During a coma, the unconscious patient's brain is working at its lowest stage of alertness. I could figure that much on my own. But what the nurse said was true. I admit, despite his state, I would talk to Eli--voice some of my thoughts to him. I have a passion for singing, so occasionally I would do that too, simply to ease my thoughts and maybe lift my spirits a little. But I didn't do either all that much because I didn't see any point in doing so. But it's said it's always possible that a comatose patient can hear and possibly feel what's going on, despite their inability to respond. That statement alone gave me all the pep-talk I could possibly need.

So I began keeping a journal. For both his sake and my own. I talked to him often. I sang to him all throughout the day. Whenever I read a book I would read it aloud to him, hoping that he had the same taste that I did and wouldn't want to wring my throat for the stories when he woke up if he could in fact hear me. But I felt alive again. Over the passing two months, things had begun to seem dreary. I don't regret a single bit of it, but my expectations had nearly hit rock-bottom. But now it was as if the clouds had parted to allow much wanted sunlight after a long storm. Now, once again, I had hope.

My favorite part of the day, however, was just before going to sleep. When I first began my stay in room 148, I wished I didn't need sleep. But now I couldn't wait for the sky to darken so that I could sing to Eli again. I already sang to him randomly throughout the day, but when I sang to him just before going to sleep, I didn't feel like I was possibly pestering him with my voice. When I sang to him before sleeping, I felt like I was actually soothing and lulling him to sleep (even though he was already there..) So I'd sing, I'd hold his hand, trace light figures across the features of his face, I'd do whatever I could to let him know that he wasn't alone.

I had become closer to him than I was with myself. It's somewhat embarrassing to admit that I had begun to feel motherly. So much that I had even begun to place a soft peck on his cheek or forehead before leaving the room and before going to sleep..or sometimes randomly when I couldn't help but feel like it was needed. But the feeling of being motherly quickly morphed into something much different when one night I did something that I'm not quite sure I meant to. I hesitated at first. I lingered, debated, told myself no. But right as I thought I had disregarded the ridiculous thought, I seemed to have done it anyways without thinking. It wasn't his forehead. It wasn't his cheek. But I did it anyways. And I found that his lips were incredibly soft.

...I kissed him.

A/N: Hopefully this post wasn't boring or dragged out/excessive > < This is my first time writing in first-person pov so I have no idea if this was okay or not DDx But I really wanted to write in the first person because I think this chapter really calls for it. I feel like it allows a sort of connection that only first-person can achieve. So I hope this chapter was alright :c Thank you all so so so so much for continuing to read! Things are going to start picking up next chapter C;