Track 02

I went to Happy’s. I didn’t know where else to go. It was still early in the day and there was no going home after listening to this. The walk to the café was not that far and it wasn’t like I was going to meet someone there. I gripped the mp3 player that’s in my jacket pocket. I hesitated to listen to it on the walk there. The café was nearly empty. I ordered a hot chocolate. I went to the back to the garden area. I found the table you were talking about. Your name was carved into the wooden table. I ran my fingers over your name.

Your name will no longer be said out loud, or if it is then it would just be in small talk and nothing people will ever remember. Everyone would move on, because that’s what we are supposed to do. If you, Jackson think that everyone would spend their days grieving over you, then you are wrong. Moving on is a part of life. 

I took a sip of my hot chocolate. I pulled the mp3 player out of my jacket pocket and slipped the headphones on. I pressed the play button. I could hear static before I could hear your breathe.

Welcome back Yi Eun! I missed you. How did you enjoy the first track? Was it weird? I’m not sorry about it. As they say in theater, the show must go on. This next part is going to either make you hate said person or not. It’s all up to you.

A few days after the said break up, JB asked to see me after school. I showed up at his house. He led me to his bedroom. He showed me the video on his phone. YoungJi sent him the video of me and him. I sat on his bed. He sat beside me. He asked me if I was drunk that night. I didn’t know how to answer him. If I said no, then there was a possibility of me never being his friend again. If I said yes, then everything would be forgotten. I told him that I was drunk. I was not going to tell him that I only had one cup that night. I wasn’t going to tell him that I was fully aware of what was going on.

JB deleted the video. Everything from that night was deleted. I took a deep breathe that I didn’t even know I was holding. We called everyone over for game night and pizza. Everyone showed up, Jinyoung, BamBam, Youngjae, Yugyeom, and you. (You looked so thrilled to be there.) We played video games and ate pizza. I enjoyed it. JB had asked if we wanted to spend the night, and of course everyone agreed to stay. JB and I slept on the bed while everyone else slept on the floor. JB wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into his chest. I tensed up and I know that he could feel me doing that.

He whispered in my ear. He asked me if I liked him. I didn’t say anything. I particularly didn’t even know if I liked him that way. I didn’t even know if I liked anyone. I just knew that I was not comfortable sleeping like this. I told him that I had to go to the restroom. He let me go. I got out of the bed as fast as I could. I tried not to step on anyone, but I probably did. (Sorry.) I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in there. I leaned on the door and sank down to where I was sitting on the floor. I felt so bad, and I don’t know why. I felt like all of this could be a joke. I know JB didn’t really mean anything bad about it.

The next day JB and I talked about it. He told me that he was serious. He said that there was no problem liking him. He softly touched my cheek and swiped his thumb over my cheekbone. He caressed my cheek and kissed me gently. This time his kisses did not taste like vodka. It tasted like mint toothpaste. We never called each other boyfriends. We never put a name on the relationship. JB and I could talk about anything. We did talk about everything and anything. We shared secrets and touches. Nothing we did together was anything serious. He never did something that I didn’t want to do. He always asked me if I was comfortable. JB was sincere. He never asked about YoungJi or that night. I never brought it up either. We were okay. I believed that. I believed that everything was okay, that I was okay.

JB was understanding. He knew that some days that I didn’t want to see him. He knew that some days I wanted to be alone. He knew that some days I wanted to be alone. He knew that on other days that I needed him more than anything. Days would blur like that. One day we would watch movies c