Eun Ah sat silently in the back of Daehyun's car, her heart pounding faster than she thought possible. She stared blankly out the window while she fiddled with her fingers and let the scenery blur in front of her eyes.

She had not once visited Yongguk's grave.

She was too scared to go and see the small plot of land because it made it so much more real than she thought it was. All this time Yongguk was like a ghost. He was a memory and as long as she kept him in her thoughts, she could revive him. He was still real and alive in her mind but seeing the physical ground where his decaying body was buried would force her to face the reality.

But she didn't want to put it off any longer. She was sure that she wouldn't go out up to the cemetery on her own and if it wasn't for Yongmi's invitation, she wouldn't have talked herself into it.

When they pulled up to the cemetery, Eun Ah paused nervously before slowly stepping out of the car.

Daehyun was silent as the three of them walked up to a small secluded part of the cemetery. She stumbled back when someone rammed into her shoulder and she tried to pull her hair out of her face to bow at them with a muttered apology, but the person was long gone. They were probably distracted with whoever they just visited. Whoever left this earth, leaving them alone.

She watched the disappearing figure before Daehyun called out to her. She started trudging slower when they reached the only headstone that stood on its own.

Eun Ah took a shaky breath as her eyes traced over the marbled stone.

Bang Yongguk

1987-2016

Loving husband and brother.

Eun Ah's eyes widened at the last line and felt acid fizzle in her stomach. Yongmi sighed softly and glanced at Eun Ah through the side of her eye, watching the girl's figure slowly hunch over, it was like the sadness was taking a physical toll on her.

"We figured that he was already your husband once, legally, so we thought it was fitting. Is--is that okay?"

Eun Ah didn't speak and just nodded slowly. It all felt so surreal to be standing there, staring at the words that made her heart weight down in loss. It broke her heart that she was never going to be able to call him her official husband again. Their marriage license would never be submitted, this time with her willing signatures, making it official.

She would never get to have kids with him or even grow old together.

Her future was once so bright and so perfect and now it was just filled with fog and she couldn't see through to the other side. She had no idea what was in front of her.

It just didn't seem fair, sure death was a part of life and it wasn't that she thought that Yongguk's life was more important than others, but it felt like he was taken too soon from her.

Like he was ripped from her grasp even before her could fully curl her fingers around him.  She wanted to go to someone and fall on her hands and knees and beg to get him back, but that wasn't going to make it easier.  

She watched Yongmi place flowers on the ground before staring silently at the ground. No one spoke and just stood mutely. Daehyun put his arm around her and no one made a sound. The only thing that could be heard was the whipping of the wind through the trees.  

Eun Ah didn't know what she expected when she got here but loneliness was not one of them. She didn't expect to feel his prescience so strongly that her mind would reel in what the rest of her life would be lacking.

It was like he was standing near her, but not close enough for her to touch. She figured that, that was what it would always feel like from there on out and that terrified her.

"We'll give you some time alone." Yongmi said before turning away.

"Wait. Don't you guys want to say something?" Eun Ah asked in confusion. Yongmi was his sister, she had no idea how she wasn't breaking down in front of her brother.  

Yongmi smiled sadly, "I have nothing to say. And this isn't my first time being here either."

The couple walked away, leaving Eun Ah some space. She slowly sank to the ground and felt a cold sweat line the top of her hair.

She sat silently, staring at the tombstone as Yongmi and Daehyun walked away. She brought her knees up under her chin and sighed tiredly while she watched her reflection on the polished stone. She closed her eyes and pictured his face before her, remembering back to the days when they'd talk about their days and anything else they could think of.

The days where they'd learn more about themselves and remember that they had the rest of their lives together to learn everything about one another.

All of that was gone now.

And wished that she had spent more time with him. Every morning when she'd slip out of bed before him to shower and get dressed before kissing him on the head and rushing off to work, she wished she used that time to cuddle closer to him. All those days when he'd be locked up in his study, she wished she barged in and forced him to go out with her.

She had so much she wished she did. So many regrets and so much wasted time that it just depressed her. It depressed her that she couldn't do anything about it now.

She wished there was a way to be in the 'good ol days' while she was actually in them.

"Oppa. Yongguk oppa. I haven't called you that in a really long time. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I haven't visited you, but you know why, right? It was just hard. But I didn't forget. I never did. I wanted to come and see you, but it was scary. It was scary doing something straight out of my worst nightmares without you by my side, holding my hand and cheering me on. I realized that every hard and terrifying thing I ever had to face, I always had you in my corner, pushing me forward while wanting the best for me. But who's supposed to cheer me on when you're the nightmare?"

Eun Ah bit down on her lip, trying to suppress the sob in as she tried to keep it together. She wanted him to hold her and kiss her and wrap her in his warmth, his indistinguishable heat that put her soul at ease. She felt her heart quiver at the memories of him, of how soft he was and how knowing him for only 3 years has brightened her life so much and made her smile more than she ever did in her life.  

"I miss you so much. A lot has happened since you've been gone but I guess you've been watching it all. Or at least I hope you are. Are you angry with me? With how I've been acting? I wouldn't be surprised if you were. I must've really let you down and you're probably really disappointed in me. But it's partially your fault too. If you let me marry you then maybe this wouldn't be a problem."

Eun Ah wondered if he could actually hear her or if maybe there was a crow sitting on a branch, taking every word in before flying up to the skies to tell him all her secrets. Not that there was a lot he didn't know about her.

"Have you met my mom and dad up there, yet? I bet they gave you a hard time for  leaving me so quickly, I hope dad kicked your . But at least you got to meet them, and hopefully yours too. I hope all of you are up there, happy and I hope that mom and dad love you right away. I mean, how could they not? I know you're probably happy that you didn't leave me a widow, but I wish my parents got to meet you with the official title of my husband."

The wind chilled her bones and she tried to curl her body closer into herself. Her mind slowly drifted to when Woon asked her if she really knew Yongguk and means of his money, she felt bile creep up . She felt guilty just for thinking it.

"Yongguk, you, you wouldn't have kept something hidden from me, right? You would've talked to me and told me if you going through something, right? I-I guess, I'm just scared. Scared that there might be something that I don't know. I'm scared that I'm not going to like it, when I find out and I'm not sure what I'm going to do." Her voice trailed off and she shook her head, she didn't want to get into something heavy.

Maybe something a little lighter.

"You haven't heard my vows, have you? Do you want to?" She didn't wait for the response that would never come, and pulled out her phone where she kept a photo of her vows. She let out a hollow laugh just to fill in the deafening silence.

She took a breath and stared down at her phone, her hair falling over her shoulder, before imagining herself standing in front of him, in her gown, reciting the lines