It was as if time froze as the both of them looked at each other, neither daring to make a response to what Woobin had just said.

After what seemed like hours, Jongsuk broke the silence.

“And what’s this step forward you are talking about here?”

“…” Woobin couldn’t answer him. As much as he knew what the answer was, he couldn’t say it. Life wasn’t that simple. The answer wasn’t something he could word out that easily.

“See, you can’t say it out either, can you? You know that’s not possible too.” Jongsuk laughed bitterly. “We are in a situation where we can’t go forward. The most we can do is to go back to how things were, and for that, we need time. Time is the only thing that can fix it.”

Woobin swallowed dryly. Jongsuk was right. As much as Woobin didn’t want to admit it, Jongsuk was right. But at the same time, he knew that in situations like this, it was impossible for things to go back to how they were like. Woobin has seen enough to know that this was a road of no-return. Any attempts of returning would only end up with both sides drifting apart, and ever since the first step forward was taken when they kissed, forward was the only way they could go.

“Wh-what if time doesn’t fix it?”

“Then we can only it up, and maybe, we’re just not meant to be.”

“You are willing to accept it like that? To leave everything to fate?”

“THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?” Jongsuk raised his voice, frustrated, tears spilling out from his eyes. “IT’S NOT LIKE I WANT TO. BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE I CAN DO.”

Woobin was taken aback by Jongsuk’s sudden outburst. He took a step closer, his hand reaching out to Jongsuk, only to pull it back before he even reached Jongsuk. Maybe he wasn’t sure what else he could do either.

Watching Jongsuk’s lean frame trembling helplessly as he tried his best to fight back the tears, Woobin stood rooted to the ground. In a relationship between two people, whatever kind of relationship, not one person has the right to decide for the both of them. If his persistence was going to hurt Jongsuk so much, then would it have been better if he just gave up? Would it have been better for the both of them to just drift apart and just lose each other forever? It would hurt, but would it hurt less?

“Jongsuk…” Woobin whispered, almost inaudibly. “I need to know exactly what you are thinking. Do you really think…we should leave it to time, even if it means we might lose each other for good? Do you really want that?”

“This is not about what I want. We are not in a position to choo-”

“It IS about what you want. I don’t give a damn about whether or not there are other choices. , I just need to know what you want, because that is the only important thing right now.”

“You are being naïve, Woobin. Things aren’t that—“

“Naïve or not, I said, I don’t care.” Woobin cut him off, his voice firm and sure.

Jongsuk stared straight into the other’s eye, his tears blurring his vision. What he really wanted? He was looking at what he really wanted. He didn’t answer.

“Lee Jongsuk, ing talk to me. Tell me what it is that you want.” Woobin said, his voice shaky as he tried his best to keep his calm.

“What I want…?” Jongsuk continued staring into Woobin’s eyes. “I want my feelings gone. I want to go back to how it was like when I could be around you without having to be conscious about what I was feeling, about how wrong all of it was, about how you could only be a friend and nothing more. I want to go back to how it was like when things between us was simple, when I thought I would never lose you. That is what I want, can you give it to me? You can’t, so why is it even important?”

Woobin couldn’t answer. There was nothing to say.

“If that’s all you have to ask, I’ve answered. I’m going off,” Jongsuk wiped off his tears and headed for the door.

Before he could exit the house, Woobin spoke, his usually strong voice wavering with helplessness, “You know very clearly that going back to how things were aren’t possible. Even if time passes and feelings fade, there is no way we would be able to be like how we were before this. Even then, you would rather that happens and we become nothing but memories? Why don’t we try? Why don’t we try facing our new found feelings instead of avoiding them? Instead of trying to get rid of them, why don’t we try facing it, why don’t we try being around with each other with these feelings? Haven’t you thought that maybe that’s the best way for these feelings to fade?”

Jongsuk stopped in his tracks as he listened to Woobin.

It had always been that case. As much as possible, Jongsuk would avoid whatever was coming and hope things would work out themselves. On the other hand, Woobin would face it head-on, think through it and work on the problem. This time too, it was like that.

“Jongsuk, you know it. That you stepping out of this house right now is as good as saying that it’s the end.” Woobin pleaded, “Please…don’t leave.”

Deep inside, he knew that what Woobin said was true, that perhaps that was a much better idea than his own. But knowing it didn’t mean he had the courage to do it.

Jongsuk took in a deep breath and stepped out of the house, closing the door behind him, leaving a helpless Woobin in the empty house.

Watching Jongsuk leave the house, Woobin couldn’t hold back any longer and broke down. He fell onto the floor, clutching and holding on to his shirt, shaking uncontrollably as he sobbed. He felt empty, disappointed, hurt, and above all, pain. He felt like something sharp had stabbed in his heart. He couldn’t breathe properly as he gasped for air, hoping that someone would be able to save him and pull him out of this.

Jongsuk had given up.

That night, Woobin cried until his tears dried up. He cried till his limbs were weak, and he didn’t have the energy to move himself to the room. He eventually fell asleep on the floor.

The floor wasn’t the most comfortable place to sleep, and Woobin jerked awake from a nightmare about an hour after he fell asleep. His eyes stung from the crying and he shut them tight again, hoping that the stinging would disappear. He was silently glad that he didn’t have any schedules the next day.

Woobin pushed himself up from the floor. He needed to smoke. Smoking had always helped him to calm down and clear his mind. He cursed silently under his breath when he found that he had no sticks left in his last pack of cigarettes.

Sighing, he grabbed his keys and wallet and left the house, wanting to go to a convenience store to get a new pack.

It was when Woobin opened the door did he see Jongsuk sitting outside his house, his hands hugging his knees to his chest, his forehead resting against his knees as he looked downwards. That was a sight that Woobin definitely wasn’t expecting to see.

Woobin stared at the boy crouched up by his doorstep, not sure what to think.

Jongsuk slowly and cautiously turned his head, looking up at Woobin with his tear-stained face and blood shot eyes.

Woobin blinked a couple of times, his voice cold and confused, “I thought you left…?”

The coldness in Woobin’s voice scared Jongsuk, even if he had expected it.

“I…couldn’t.” Jongsuk mumbled, looking down on the floor again.

“You have been here all this while?”

Jongsuk nodded.

Woobin took in a deep breath and sighed, his tone obviously softening, “Yah, idiot. If you were going to be here, why did you leave?” He rolled his eyes, and bent down, pulling Jongsuk up, “Let’s talk inside.”

The moment Jongsuk left the house and closed the door, Woobin had broken down. What he didn’t know was that on the other side of the door, Jongsuk too was sobbing uncontrollably outside the house. He had regretted it the moment he closed the door. He had tried his best to stop his tears, but hearing Woobin’s sobs, there was no way he could stop. He bit hard on his lip, hoping to muffle his sobs. He leaned against the wall, sliding down against it for support as his legs grew weak, until he was in that position that Woobin had saw him in.

Having been in the same position for hours, Jongsuk’s legs were numb. He held on to Woobin as he stood up, limping a little into the house as the numbness in his legs wore off.

“I thought I could leave, but I can’t. The moment I stepped out of the house, I knew I couldn’t…” Jongsuk said weakly, not daring to look Woobin in his eyes. “I’m sorry…I was scared.”

“And you are not anymore?”

“I still am…but I am more scared I would really lose you forever,” Jongsuk looked up at Woobin apprehensively. “Give me another chance…?”

Woobin didn't reply. There was no reason for him to say no, but that sense of betrayal and hurt he felt when Jongsuk left the house just now was still lingering. He knew Jongsuk didn’t mean it, but still, he was apprehensive.

“I am sorry for being a coward…I’m sorry for hurting you like that, I’m sorry…but please, let’s work this out together…?” Jongsuk asked, his voice softer than before.

“I wasn’t the only one hurting,” Woobin stated. “Are you sure you can do this?”

Jongsuk shook his head.  “I’m not…but so long you are with me, maybe I can do it.”

“Don’t give me up again…” Woobin took in a shaky breath.

“Don’t let me go,” Jongsuk said, tears welling up in his eyes again. It was rather amazing how much he could cry.

Woobin cupped Jongsuk’s face, his thumb gently his cheeks. He leaned in closer and placed a gentle kiss on Jongsuk’s eyelids as he fluttered them close.