I poured all of my emotions into acting. It was depressingly funny how I could now cry during any scene, on command.

I kept up to date with Nightly Fool's 7 person performances, and their new comeback was soon.

I always wondered whether Hyun Jae was simply acting happy. Acting satisfied.

I sure was.

During performances, he was perfect. He seemed happy. On social media, his posts were of him and the rest of the members, still smiling.

That was good enough for me.

~

I was viewing Hyun Jae's profile on Instagram.

It was funny how such a little thing like a short biography for social media websites can hold so much emotion.

He had updated his biography.

Someone once told me that when you are loved, you have a beautiful aura. Why was it never so?

"I love you." 

"I love you too, hyung."

"My mother once told me... when someone loves you... you have a beautiful aura." I smiled, "Now, remembering that, I know why you suddenly became even more beautiful right before we got together."

Hyun Jae smiled. "Really? Am I glowing? I guess that's why you're so amazing. Maybe it's why the fans love us the most."

We both laughed together, and I entwined my hand with his.

I hadn't even realized the hot tears had streamed down my face until I could taste the saltiness in the corners of my mouth.

The biography was changed again an hour later.

~

I had been on and in multiple films, dramas, variety shows, reality shows, and had a biography about my childhood published.

I had released and performed multiple plays, songs, dances and skits.

It had been four years.

The first year, I fell into depression.

That was the year Hyun Jae got a girlfriend from a popular girl group.

The person I was in public wasn't the same person I was alone.

The second year, I had been better. I only cried when in character. I was an empty shell compared to what I was before.

That was the year Hyun Jae got engaged.

They told the public a few weeks after I had publicly announced I was dating a co-star named Kang Se Ra.

The third year, I was actually enjoying my girlfriend's company.

I planned to propose.

I proposed the week before Hyun Jae got married.

Febuary the 14th, Valentine's day, was the day I married Kang Se Ra.

We decided to marry each other on such a romantic day, yet I had never loved her.

We were compatible on screen, and great at acting like a couple.

But when we were alone, I was still acting.

I'm not sure if she knows that I don't love her.

Or that I am not heteroual.

Or that I have feelings for my old bandmate.

~

Five years.

Five years since I last saw him in person.

Five years and two weeks since I told him I loved him.

Five hours since I last saw her in person.

Five hours and two minutes since I told her I loved her.

Time is cruel to me in this way.

~

Se Ra admitted she, too had been acting.

We agreed to stay married for at least another year.

~

I was in the back of my van with my manager in the seat beside me. In the front two seats were one of my co-stars and my wife.

We were on our way to shooting scenes for the second episode of a new drama. It was some melodrama where my wife and I played adults who were each other's first love. They met again, but in the final episode, my character passes away.

I didn't like the plot but the pay was good, and my wife and I had good on screen chemistry.

I had decided to write something that would be given to Hyun Jae when I passed away.

So long as I didn't outlive him.

I was almost finished typing it. It wasn't very long, but it contained many emotions.

March 23, 2017

Hyun Jae,

I am writing this for you so that you can know how I feel, even though I'm gone.

So that you know I loved you. So that you know I love you.

I never fell out of love. I never will. I'm sure you've moved on. You've always looked so happy with your wife.

I wonder if, to you, I looked that way with my wife.

I never felt that way. I never loved her. She never loved me. We were just two actors, acting in our own lives, and at home, to each other. Was it ever so in your relationship with your wife? Was it ever so in your relationship with me?

Were you guilted into acting like you loved me?

Did you love me like a brother?

Did you love me?

I guess I won't ever know.

Maybe I do, deep inside.

You seemed so sad when I left.

Do you hate me now? Will you resent me, even in death? Do you believe I betrayed you?

I guess I did.

For the sake of my future.

Your future.

The band's future.

Was that acting?

Were you glad I left?

I suppose I should stop asking questions that won't be answered.

I mean, if you're reading this, I'm dead.

I wonder why?

Will I finally take my own life?

Disease?

An accident?

Age?

Maybe I should answer some questions. I wish could I know yours.

I'd answer them all.

If we were born in a different situation, not idols, but if we met another way. We might be together.

But that wasn't our fate.

I'm glad to have loved you, even if it wasn't meant to be.

But it is now time to say my final goodbye.

The one who loves you above all,

Kim Min Ki

I clicked save.

I felt I should add on to it, but I could do that later. Maybe in days, maybe in months. Maybe even years after this.

I called my assistant, asking her to print it, and place it in an envelope without reading it.

When she asked why, I told her it would be given to someone in the future, when I passed away, and it was for their eyes only.

I sent it to her through email, and began to watch out the window.

Suddenly, there was a loud noise.

It happened in mere seconds. I had no clue what was going on.

I heard Se Ra scream, and felt a pain in my head.

In a daze, I lifted my hand slowly to my forehead, feeling the warm blood that was beginning to drip down my face, on to my clothes.

Everything went silent. I looked around, turning my head sluggishly.

Each second felt like an hour, like time had slowed.

My manager was struggling to undo my seatbelt, my wife was thrashing around, trying to break open the van's window and my co-star seemed to have passed out.

It was then that I realized the van was on its side.

Someone had crashed into us.

~

ACTOR KIM MIN KI (K.I.) AND WIFE KANG SE RA PASS AWAY IN CAR CRASH

KIM MIN KI, FORMER MEMBER OF NIGHTLY FOOL, DIES IN CAR CRASH ALONG WITH WIFE KANG SE RA

MANY ATTEND FUNERAL OF KIM MIN KI AND KANG SE RA

ALL OF NIGHTLY FOOL ATTENDS FORMER MEMBER'S FUNERAL

~~~

Depressing, huh? This part was upsetting to write.

Epilogue soon.