After a long and mostly rough make out session, Kris and Chanyeol got up, ate cold pizza for breakfast, watched some TV, made out some more, and then got back into bed.

(Kris made sure that they were fully clothed this time; Chanyeol was too lazy to ).

Kris didn’t talk much, but Chanyeol did, so Kris quietly listened to stories of Chanyeol’s childhood and family and adventures. Though he felt a little sad whenever he heard the word “family” or “mom”, he was glad that Chanyeol seemed to have enjoyed a good life.

If anything, he deserved it.

“You’re not listening.”

Kris blinked and looked down at Chanyeol, whose head was resting on his stomach. “What? Yes I am.”

Chanyeol smiled and shook his head no.

“I don’t think you are.”

“Fine, what did you say?”

Chanyeol sat up, his back towards Kris. He gave a deep sigh. Kris sat up too, resting his chin on Chanyeol’s shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

Chanyeol shrugged. “Nothing, nothing’s wrong. I just…I want to tell you something.”

Kris glanced up at Chanyeol, who smiled and kissed his forehead. Kris pushed his face away.

“Is it a secret?”

“Uh…kind of.”

“Tell me.”

“I don’t know if I can.”

“Why? You’ve been talking this whole time.”

Chanyeol laughed, but it sounded nervous. “It’s not something I can just…say,” he began, his cheeks reddening.

“Let me guess. You’re gay,” Kris said dryly.

“Ding-ding, give the man a prize,” Chanyeol retorted, punching Kris in the arm.

 “Stop stalling and just say it. It’s not like waiting will make it any less of a secret,” Kris pointed out.

Chanyeol just took his hand and squeezed it, looking at him without saying anything. Kris stared back. He watched in surprise as Chanyeol’s eyes filled up with every emotion Kris had been experiencing for the past four months: hope, devotion, adoration, happiness, and…

…Love?

Kris felt like he’d been punched in the stomach.

“I—“

Oh no.

 “I know it’s kind of sudden, but I really just need to get this off my chest.”

Stop. Don’t say it. Please don’t sa—

“I like you, Kris.”

Kris stared at Chanyeol, eyes wide and heart racing in his chest.

How had he not seen this coming? How could he have been so blind? All the warnings that he had ignored for so long suddenly began flashing in his mind like SOS signals.

"Oh, god," Kris breathed, panic rising in his chest.

“Kris?” Chanyeol’s voice sounded far away.

"God, what have I done?" He murmured, running his hands through his hair.

“Kris, what’s wrong?” Chanyeol was asking.

Kris couldn’t find the words to answer him.

A huge wave of guilt washed over him as the reality began to settle on his shoulders. He had committed the worst crime a human being could get away with: he had fallen for someone he didn't deserve.

For 4 months, he had allowed himself to drown in the empty idea that things could be different, that he could change, that life could be better.

That there was hope.

The thought of it made him sick.

“Chanyeol, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he choked, tears blurring his vision when he finally looked over at the other man.

Chanyeol was alert now, and he took Kris’s face in his hands. "Kris, what’s wrong?" he asked worriedly.

I should have never done this," Kris blurted, pulling away from Chanyeol and standing up. 

“What are you talking about?” Chanyeol exclaimed.

“This. Us. Everything. I’m an idiot,” Kris replied, pacing back and forth.

"Kris, calm down. It's okay, everything's okay," Chanyeol said softly, reaching forward to put a hand on Kris's shoulder.

Kris shoved it away.

"NO! It’s not okay. Nothing will ever be okay. I can't do this, Chanyeol. I can't."

"I don’t understand—“

“I’m in love with you.”

Chanyeol stared at Kris, mouth open in shock.

"I love you, Chanyeol. I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel for you, and I hate it. I hate that you like me, because I’m the last person you need in your life. I didn’t mean to fall in love with you, I just...it just happened. I was selfish and stupid and careless. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I put you through this. I don't deserve you," he mumbled, brushing past Chanyeol and towards the hallway.

"W-what? Kris! Kris, wait!" Chanyeol called, running after him and grabbing his wrist.

“Let me go!” Kris shouted.

“You can’t just tell me you love me and then run away. That’s not how it works!” Chanyeol snapped.

Kris tried to yank his hand from his grip, but he didn't let go.

Suddenly, Kris felt Chanyeol's thumb brush against the inside of his wrist.

"What...what is this?" Chanyeol whispered.

Kris froze.                 

Chanyeol was talking about his scars.

He’d completely forgotten about them.

"Chanyeol, let me go," he hissed, struggling to free his hand.

"You told me it was a skin condition," Chanyeol murmured, unable to take his gaze off the row of scars marking Kris’s skin.

"Chanyeol, stop—“

"Why did you never tell me? Why did you hide it? I could've helped you!" Chanyeol stated angrily.

"I don't want your help!" Kris yelled, shoving Chanyeol to the ground.

Chanyeol looked up at him, his eyes filled with tears.

Kris turned away so Chanyeol wouldn't see the tears in his own eyes.

"I don’t want your help and I don’t need it. I can’t be around you anymore, Chanyeol. I’ll destroy you. I'm beyond the point of saving. There's nothing you can do for me. I've spent years and years trying to help myself, and all I have to show for it is these scars. I…I’m a monster. I have nothing to offer you except pain, Chanyeol, and I care about you too much to let that happen," he said sadly, opening the front door.

“Kris, please don’t go. I’m begging you. Just...please. Please don’t leave,” Chanyeol cried, his voice breaking off in a sob.

 “I’m sorry.”

The door slammed shut and Kris ran.

He ran, not because he was a coward, but because he was determined to protect the one person he'd ever loved from the one person he'd always hate.

*

double update because ily guys and also i feel really bad about being MIA for so long :3