Chapter 7
Wo Bu Ai NiLe (I Don't Love You)Mui and Diana had been watching a DVD in Diana's den. When the film ended, the media player automatically ejected the disc, and they were left with whatever fluff was on cable TV. Diana had the habit of leaving the channel permanently on MTV to see what was new in her pop-star circle and beyond. But today was not the day she wanted to know what was happening out there. Not when it seemed to all revolve around her ex's upcoming promo tour.
Mui asked if she should change the channel to avoid the nonsense, but Diana said no. She was curious what Jing was up to. They both listened to the press conference, as Jing explained plans for her new CD. Something about changing directions, with more of a focus on instrumental meanderings rather than specific lyrical concepts. She wanted to focus on her guitar-playing, citing one of her favorite guitarists, Steve Vai as being a heavy influence.
She said she had one last new song from her lyrical repertoire she wanted to ride out until the release of the new CD. With that, she launched into a showcase of 3 songs. She performed with voice and piano only, starting with the debut of the new stand-alone single and followed by older favorites Pian Ai (Preference) and Ni Fei Ba (Let You Fly).
Jing quietly introduced the new single as "Wo Bu Ai NiLe". Diana scoffed and rolled her eyes as the opening piano began. It sounded uplifting enough, but then Diana couldn't help muttering under her breath, "" as she heard the words swim forth.
Mui looked quizzically at her friend. As Diana squirmed, Mui changed the channel. Diana shouted, "Dammit, Mui, put it back!"
Mui was certain changing the channel was just what Diana would have wanted, but alas, her friend was acting a masochist today.
Jing sang with her eyes tightly shut...
You did nothing wrong
It's that some feelings changed
I was so determined to love you
Now just leave me
Don't have the heart
To say "I don't love you"
When care becomes tired
When tears become weak
Saying "I love you" can't change
What was once loved so much
No one can deny that
You loved me faithfully
Now I make the same mistake
I've loved you so determinedly
But now I shouldn't
Repeat the mistakes again
I don't love you
I don't love you
I do not love you...
Diana's chest was clenched like a fist. Who was this woman? She stared at her on the TV and didn't recognize her. Why had she become like this?
As the intro to Pian Ai began, Diana ran to her bedroom. She knew this song by heart already, but right now couldn't hear any of the words. The tears cascaded down her face so abundantly, her pillow was soaked by the second verse. She muffled her cries into her bedsheets but Mui could hear them in the den. Diana's heaving sobs went on while Jing sat at her piano, continuing her ode to loving who she loves without fear of what others might say.
At the press conference, Jing thought as she sang, Hypocrite! How can I sing these two songs back to back?
Pian Ai was a beautiful dedication to loving strongly and honestly, whomever you may love, and not feeling stupid for it. She wanted her gay self to disappear. She didn't want to be bold anymore. She WANTED to retreat. She wanted to dodge...all of this.
Insisting you are the answer
I’m not afraid that someone will mock me for being extreme
Believing in my instincts
Stubbornly,
I refuse to admit my tiredness
In love with you, I’ll not retreat
I said before
I’m not dodging this
I insist on doing this
Not listening to reason, I insist on love
Try my best to love
To make you understand
There is no other road to take
So decide whether you want to be with me
I don’t listen, insist on love
Following my feeling with love...
Diana bawled for her breaking heart. She also cried for the lies Jing told.
Jing, come back to me, and to who you were!
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