retrograded sunlight
 [ for those who love shadows and traces of memories ]

"this is what it means to live," jisoo smiles in pure adoration at the book he just finished, named extremely loud and incredibly close by jonathan safran foer. a grip of sadness lounges around his heart, for the protagonist to lose his father at such a young age. it's a terrifying thing to imagine that humans are ephemeral beings whose time to leave is never told.

for jisoo, being alive is to live all the lives of extraordinary characters that are written in literature pieces, living all the lives he could never imagine to live. his friends don't understand this mindset of his, but jisoo doesn't mind. people have different opinions, and their thoughts are not necessary for his existence. he knows what he wants, and that's what matters most. he let his fingers linger around the pages and flapping flag markers on the corner, all in the shade of yellow.

"you're talking to yourself again, jisoo," jisoo is so deep in thought to realize the presence that hasn't left after he ignored it for quite some time, way too engrossed in finishing his book. he looks up to seulgi's scrunched eyebrows and her hair in the colour of starlight. he's only in this place because seulgi insisted to stay here, because she is sick of all the noise, the shouts, the mocking laughters, and basically, the world. 

in some sort of an abandoned garden behind their school's properties, seulgi had pulled jisoo's hand and arms, and pushed him to come with her and sit, and live for themselves under the azure painted firmament, with fleeting cottony clouds peering down at their matchstick bodies spread on the grass of dandelions and forgotten legacy. 

"i like talking to myself, because i understand what i am saying. it needs less understanding from others," jisoo places his book on his crossed legs, and he can only shake his head at his bestfriend before him. "kang seulgi, you're wearing a skirt for god's sake, sit properly at the least!"

seulgi, with her legs laid before her and a little bit itchy by the tall grass and bugs, pulls on her skirt lower to cover her knees, yet she seems to not succeed in doing so as it insists to settle tightly on her waist. "oh god, i gained weight jisoo! it's stuck and you just reminded me of it!" she frowns and pushes him to the side, and he laughs, dark rims from staying up all night for the sake of finishing his books are carved under his eyes, and they don't prevent his crinkling eyes to shine and gleam like no other sun.

it's just that jisoo is a solitary sun who is passionately bright for no one, while seulgi is a galaxy of interlaced atoms, so vast and complex that all she wants is the existence of a sun, a star, anything that will be able to fill her; the spaces of her fingers, her heart, between her lips, just anything that will make her blood runs wild and pumping alive.

for seulgi, being alive is to be loved. for herself, for her own self who is sometimes fickle and frowns upon the world, painting it all in the shade of black and grey and trying to find the parts she had missed to keep for herself.

"seulgi, why did you take me here, seriously? won't wonwoo get mad for hanging out too much with me?" jisoo folds his hands as if he is speaking in a very formal way, a concerned and dissatisfied look across his face. brown bangs swept close near his eyes, he sighs.  "he's your boyfriend, seulgi. don't you think you're being a bit reckless? i'm a guy and he'll misunderstand."

her fingers rake along starlight tresses, pulling it and collecting it all to her right shoulder. her back is pressed to the seat of an empty fountain, next to him. "i hate his friends, and he always take me to his friends. always."

"you can always tell him, seulgi," jisoo assures, pulling his knees close as he tilts his head to scrutinize his long time friend's expression. not like jisoo will be able to tell, really. seulgi is still a mystery despite all the ten years they spent together, through ungodly puberty and scratched arms, they managed to pull through everything and stay afloat, holding on to each other as each other's anchors.

"i know, but-but it's too selfish. i mean, i might just be another girl to-oh god, i can't say it. , this is all a mistake-" seulgi is heartbroken over the realization that she is not that important after all, another girl with summer smiles and golden locks that stand out in their school. well, but seulgi has always been expressive enough in negative emotions, so jisoo still knows her better than all the friends she has lost along her life. "i think wonwoo doesn't love me. i think he never loves me. i mean, he's the basketball star, while i'm...what am i, jisoo? i'm just a passing shadow from one place to another," her breaths are so slow and heavy, and jisoo wants to look away. 

"you're overthinking, seulgi. you're overthinking, he loves you, wonwoo loves you. you should know that the best. i mean, i saw the way he looked at you. remember that summer festival when you stood beside him near the rice cake food stand? you were too engrossed in listening to your favourite singer that time to feel wonwoo's gaze at you through the whole song. why can't you see that? and no, you own shadows but you're not a shadow yourself."

seulgi chooses silence as her answer, plucking tall grasses from the ground, pulling it from the earth heartlessly. "have i always been like this, jisoo? so thirsty over love?" it never fails to astound jisoo how seulgi is so comfortable with him to ask such personal things. but jisoo, with a soft heart and eyes made from another realm, understands her. his deep sensitivity plays a part in understanding seulgi and her anxiousness.

"isn't wonwoo your first boyfriend? you're just nervous, seulgi. don't be like that," jisoo wants to hold her hand, he really wants to. but it might seem that he is taking chances in the wrong situation. 

she sighs and closes her eyes. "it's so hard, jisoo. i can't handle a relationship like this, but i don't want to hurt him."

"do you love him, seulgi?"

"i do, but i feel pathetic for feeling like this. for being so insecure, i hate this. this is not what i want to feel from love-" 

"-jisoo, do you know that we might wake up one day, and find those who are our loved ones gone, just like that in a snap of a finger?"

"yes, seulgi. fate is a very cruel thing, they let us enjoy the very limited time we have, only to make us long for more. and when we do, they choose to rip it away from us."

she smiles like today is the beginning of everything. "i'm so happy to have you as a friend, jisoo. through all these years, you still stay. i'm so proud of you," her hand now ruffles jisoo's brown locks with a soft smile. "you are so dreamy, what kind of girl will be able to handle your love for fictional tales, i wonder?"

"obviously not you," and she only laughs like the sun has decided to shine her heart, and jisoo wants her to remain that way, always.

Æ

"wonwoo, can i talk to you for a second?"

it's the end of wonwoo's basketball practice, and jisoo decides that he needs to take a step if seulgi can't stop her dilemmas. 

"oh hey jisoo, what's up? by the way, have you seen seulgi? i haven't seen her around these days," lean and thin arms with sweats dripping from his face as he wipes it away with the blue towel resting around his neck, wonwoo utters this all casually, and with a little bit of confusion and wonder. jisoo rarely talks to wonwoo, his bestfriend's boyfriend, so wonwoo wonders why would jisoo turn up all of the sudden.

"actually, it's kind of related to that," jisoo nods, and they finally sit in a bench near the field.

"i'm going to be straightforward here, are you serious with seulgi? if you're not, you better break it up with her."

wonwoo's eyes widens then he frowns. "wait why do you think of that? is there something wrong with her?"

"she's-seulgi thinks she's not enough, she's insecure around you, wonwoo. and she thinks that-" he stops, because it suddenly feels so wrong to tell this all to wonwoo. perhaps, all of this is just a mistake, just like what seulgi said. that perhaps, wonwoo is too bright for an existence so dim like her, that his existence only ceases her light instead of strengthening it.

"that i'm what?"

"that you never like her, at all. she's so used to being used that she can't help to get anxious when someone likes her. i hope you're not one of those people."

wonwoo scratches on his hair as he looks down, relieved and still frowning. "so that's why she stopped answering my calls. i'm serious with her, jisoo. so no, i would never break it up with her."

"well, make sure to make her feel so. i shouldn't be the one telling you this, but seulgi will never tell you of her real thoughts. if you really like her, at least try to open her heart for you. i have been her friend for so long, so I know what I'm talking about." jisoo states clearly, in detail. he doesn't want to bother coming back, really. he will only do this once and for all. then, jisoo turns on his heels, walking away from wonwoo who only replies in silence.

Æ

"jisoo, it's me. it's me, seulgi. why aren't you answering your phone?! please answer your phone right now. i'm terrified now, jisoo! come and save me, jisoo-"

a surge of adrenaline runs through his blood, and panick hammers him in the back painfully. it's so painful that he has to sit down and listen. fingers trembling around the cellphone in his palm, as he listens to the sound of seulgi's voice in silent screams. jisoo was helping his mother downstairs, and when he came back he saw these voice mails that seulgi never chose to send. a sudden grip of uneasiness pulled the trigger to launch his hand in a flash to play it.

"i'm-i'm in a car now, and my father was driving and suddenly something crashed into us, i'm so scared, jisoo. no one is coming for us, i think i'm gonna die here. my father is not breathing and jisoo, please answer! oh my god, i can't feel my legs jisoo, i can't. i'm gonna die-" 

"no, seulgi, no-" it's useless, he knows that. this is just a mere voicemail and perhaps, it'all too late. 

"jisoo, i think i'm just gonna talk to you. i feel like this is the last time i will be able to talk to you. i don't have much time, so this is it. you know, i called you because i trusted you that you would have your phone by your side, but perhaps you are sleeping right now or you are reading some new books. i think you did some kind of magic to wonwoo, by the way. he seems more affectionate than before, and you did something again right? like in the past? oh my, you never get tired of fixing things in my life aren't ya?" he can feel seulgi's ragged breaths through the phone, her words catching up to another, and she's crying and hiccuping through it all. but as it comes to an end, she seems calm. she sounds calmer, but there is still a quake in her voice. like a voice line, jutting up and down panickly.

"-well, i called you because wonwoo is probably to busy playing videogames with his friends. i still can't trust him more than i trust myself to you, even though i love him. it's difficult to say this, but it is what it is." the third one and he still hopes that someone will come to help her. he gnaws on the skin of his thumb, not minding it if it will bleed later even knowing the fact that it'd be painful to graze it through the fresh novel papers.

"jisoo, the fire is starting to get bigger, please answer me, i don't want to die alone like this, please at least let me hear your voice bef-"

"i'm sorry, seulgi. i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry-" he repeats it all over again like a broken song, a double edge sword to both the dying seulgi and himself. tears dribble down his face as he listens to the sound of his bestfriend's world shattering and falling apart.

"-remember when we were thirteen and i was almost swept away by a riptide back then? thank you for not letting go of my hand, jisoo. thank you, thank you so much for being the bestest friend in the world, i couldn't have made through all this ty life without you even though you denied my choice in painting my hair gold-" he can almost see her smile as she says this, and the tears fall harder as his morose builds and expands inside of him. he can't do this, he can't listen to the sound of seulgi fading into death but he forces himself to do it, despite the fact how painful it feels.

"-jisoo, my bestfriend, i love you and you should know that. and-and, tell seungwan that she can have all the candies she wants in my room, and please tell wonwoo that i love him, even though it doesn't feel enough for me, but please tell him all the good things okay? you have a way to turn even the most painful truth into a beautiful one, so please-and tell soojung that i love her also, she's questioning our friendship from time to time, and tell her that i love her more than i love myself, she won't believe it if you don't say that-"

"save your breath, you idiot! how can you speak so much in a fire like that? kang seulgi, don't you dare to die on me!" desperation is what you can name how jisoo sounds like now, frozen to his position as his grip on the covers of his bed tightens and he feels like ripping it all apart. rip it all, toss it all like how life has tossed seulgi into destruction.

"-jisoo, hong jisoo. this is kang seulgi, and i guess this is t-"

 the message ends and it's all gone. he desperately holds on to his phone. he scurries up to his feet to flee and try to figure out anything that will save the dying seulgi. she might have passed out, or the connection has been cut, and seulgi might have been sa-

a soft sob comes closer to the front of his door. a knock of the truth. "dear, something happened to seulgi," his mother's voice echoes to his ears.

three seconds is all it takes for him to realize that he just listened to the sound of his bestfriend's world shattering into oblivion, without the ability to do anything, anything that will save her.

jisoo screams, but what comes out is only a silence of deafening laughters of two zealous hearts standing side by side. 

but now, one is black, burnt and tattered and the other is splitted into halves.

the solitary sun no longer gleams like it used to, and the galaxy has fallen into the abyss.

Æ

jisoo never knows that the absence of seulgi will leave a scar so big in his life. he never predicts this. but it still happened.

life still goes on, yet he still can't manage to lend the messages seulgi had asked him to give. the desperation, the sadness, the frustration, the regrets still haunt him. seulgi's cries of help and the image of her body exploding into tattered flesh is unbearable to imagine. he doesn't even look for wonwoo, as he doesn't want to see any kind of reaction from him.

it's too painful to go by without seulgi bothering him to drop his novels just to listen to her. ten years of friendship, seulgi is involved in most of his memories and jisoo can feel himself falling into nothingness with fingers no longer running to hold on to something.

he didn't attend her funeral. it's childish and seulgi must have frowned upon his decision, but his heart is soft and he still couldn't be strong enough to face her death. the thing that scarred him most is the fact that seulgi has died in a very painful way (tattered skin, her head unattached from her body, crushed bones and sunken skin, details hurt jisoo since that day) and that he was literally there. he could have saved her if he had his phone with him.

the regrets begin to appear on his skin, red marks here and there and jisoo covers them all carefully with jackets and sweaters.

"hi jisoo, what's up?" he's walking out from the gate when wonwoo appears beside him. 

he isn't sure if he looks like the usual him, but wonwoo doesn't look like himself. deep lines are engraved under his eyes and he looks drained. jisoo can see that his eyes reflect his, and it looks similar. only that there is something in wonwoo's eyes that he can't explain.

"ah, hi there, wonwoo," he nods back, standing before him as they stand in the far left of the gate. the rush of students with feets padding, hurrying to go home does not affect them to move along the stream.

two hearts in the middle of a crisis. one splitted into halves, and the other, lost.

"jisoo, are you okay? you know, regarding-" wonwoo gulps the next word he's about to say, and lets jisoo completes his word.

"you don't look so good yourself, wonwoo. please mind yourself first," jisoo replies brusquely, averting his eyes from the guy before him. he wants to go home and try to do anything that will make him move on from his friend's tragic death.

"i'm sorry for seulgi, jisoo. she's your bestfriend, so i think you might be the most affected for her death," and yes, jeon wonwoo is damn right as jisoo can barely see anything without seeing seulgi's shadow peeking out from every corners of his life. the irony, really, how she used to claim herself as a shadow, and now she's one herself! jisoo wishes to laugh, but a mere smile is already difficult to be forced out of his lips.

jisoo sighs, feeling guilty that he's not treating wonwoo fairly. there is also a part of wonwoo that loves seulgi, and he is being stubborn in thinking that the only one suffering is him. "wonwoo, on the day of the accident, seulgi left me some voice mails," he looks up to wonwoo's fragile gaze.

he was going to bury everything and bring it to his grave, but it feels wrong. it feels wrong to not lend her farewell to those she loved. 

wonwoo begins to laugh bitterly. "what do you mean, jisoo? she was in a car accident, how co-"

"i don't want to go into details, okay? it still hurts to remember it," jisoo clutches on his head, then shakes off images of seulgi's numb legs and her trying to struggle out of the car. wonwoo's dark hair is tousled in the way that girls fawn over him like the apple of their eyes. but seulgi never told him if she liked this point of him or not. seulgi was extraordinary in her indifference to those around her, and it hurts that he can only refer to her in a past tense.

he sighs again, chest tightening as her name rises to his lips. "seulgi said that she loved you, she always had. i'm not sure how much or how long  you have been liking her, but seulgi was different than other girls. she desired affection wholeheartedly in full sincerity but she refused that thought most of the time. she loved you, but what you gave to her wasn't enough. it's not your fault, though. it's something inside of her that i can't explain, and she felt small being beside you."

"oh god," wonwoo run his palms over his face, then lets one of it fall to his side, and the other pushing his tousled hair back. "oh god, i have always liked seulgi since.....first grade. dear god, seulgi, how could you think like that?" the first few words are directed at jisoo, but the latter ones are targeted to whatever form seulgi has transformed to.

"i should have listened more to her. i'm so sorry, seulgi."

"she's no longer here, wonwoo. just...just let her rest. she was already tired by everything. i think it's the best for her," jisoo feels the bitterness of the words in his mouth, how he's trying to soothe the boyfriend of his dead bestfriend when his head is barely up in the ocean of grief. trying to fix things, that's what jisoo does.  

seventeen and broken at the edges, wonwoo and jisoo stand before each other, two hearts marked deeply by a scar that is left unintentionally by kang seulgi. jisoo knows that his journey is still far, stories he hasn't told to her loved ones and a future waiting for him, even when seulgi will no longer be there to watch him with starlight hair that he denied with all his might.

it still hurts, but jisoo only hopes that someday, he will be fine and strong enough to look back on their memories, and perhaps wonwoo also will.

 [AUTHOR'S NOTE]