[12] wildflowers and dear, deer eyes
of wasted breaths and slipping fingers"i love you – i do – but i am afraid of making that love too important. because you’re always going to leave me…we can’t deny it. you’re always going to leave."
"It's Cumulonimbus."
Soojung blinks. "What?"
"The clouds. It's called Cumulonimbus, those kind of clouds," Soojung peers up at the clouds, the gathering puffy white cottons coated in ash. She nods silently, though she doesn't understand anything that feels awkward and difficult to roll from her lips. Seungcheol has always known of the world, more than she ever will.
Laying above the surface of dirty pavements of an unused art building, Soojung's summer skin and ashen knees lay untouched and unclean even with the wind whispering to the surface of her skin. Seungcheol has laid down with her also, in his uniform which she finds too clean to be dirtied with dust.
Despite that fact, Soojung appreciates that Seungcheol wants to spend time with her, in her faded t-shirt tucked into blue shorts that reached her knees.
"Why is it called Cumu-what?"
"I don't know. Some scientists just decided to name them after their own languange, to make it seems like it's theirs, I guess," Seungcheol shrugs, clear eyes and white skin. Sometimes, Soojung would look at Seungcheol in jealousy just because his skin is clearer, and whiter and smoother. He would only smile and peck her in the cheek playfully whenever he caught her, even though they are nothing near lovers.
"Why do they need to prove people that it's theirs? I think it's enough if they know for sure about what they have found," Soojung pressures, her arm propped to face him, as he stares at the surrounding fog and the darkening sky.
He shakes his head, smiling at his bestfriend's naivety. "You are full of wonder, Soojung. I hope one day, you can ask them by yourself," Seungcheol reaches out to touch her face but Soojung turns and rolls to her stomach, giggling. "It won't be easy to touch me, Choi Seungcheol."
He stops and turns his head again to the sky, seeing the clouds move. It floats slowly and surely, collected and aware of the places they would travel to. He glances at her, standing up and stretching her joints, who gasps and eyes glimmer when her eyes catch the sight of flowers blown by the wind past them, and her slow steps turn into a fast shuffling of steps. "Seungcheol, look! It's dandelion, they're flying away!"
"You're silly, Soojung. It's because of the wind, the wind will bring them to other places-"
"Other places like?"
"-I don't know. I'm no dandelion, I don't travel from places to places," Soojung nods silently and lays down for the second time, now even nearer to him who smells like any boy in high school would, only that Seungcheol is cleaner than any boy she has ever known around her house, as her nose can only detect a hint of scented detergent, sweat and jasmine his mother probably sprayed behind his ear. Seungcheol told her how irritated he was whenever his mother did that because his friends would mock him for smelling too much like a girl in love, asking for a whisper behind her ears.
He would tell her of that story for countless of times just because he would always forget that he had told her before, and she would whisper behind his ears with a, "You're a girl in love now, Choi Seungcheol," everytime and he would always remember that part only and never get tired of it (just because Soojung smells like the earth; fresh, delicate wild flowers that sleep under the sky and blanketed with earth's soil.).
He told her how he is not a dandelion, and she hopes that he is saying the truth.
"Seungcheol?" Sometimes, when the day begins to get darker like this, Soojung's thoughts grow dimmer as the sun loses its colours from the night, and that reminds her how tomorrow will come, and Seungcheol will say his goodbye. She will be left alone, waiting for the time Seungcheol will come back when he needs an escape from life and his get-away will only be her.
"Yes?"
"Why aren't you hanging out with your school friends?"
"Why aren't you going to school?"
Soojung is stunned, unable to gather her thoughts, her reasons: she needs to work for the sake of her siblings since her father died, The tuition is too expensive for her mother who works all day long, she hates school and her friends who turn their backs from her, she loathes them all and she almost hates him for asking this insensitive question. "Don't make me answer you, Seungcheol. You don't want to see me getting angry," Soojung's voice is grim and dark and she refuses to turn to look at him who is glancing sympathetically at her.
"Then why are you expecting an answer? You know I would be angry too if I were to answer your question-"
"No, I don't, Seungcheol. I don't know that you'll be angry-"
He groans, shaking his head exasperatedly. "I like hanging out with you, more than hanging out with my school friends-"
Soojung sighs. "Aren't you bored with me? I mean, we have been friends for like, forever. 10 years are forever, Seungcheol. And now, we're seventeen already. I think you need to meet more people more other than me-"
"-I meet them everyday, Soojung, But I don't meet you everyday. Today is one of the rare days where you don't have work in your hands," Seungcheol points out, and he resists scooting closer to Soojung to fix her hair that begins to scatter around her face as the wind blows even harder. She doesn't flinch away from the cold, and that's what makes him admire her, more than any people he has ever met in this mundane life of his.
He met Soojung when he was seven, and she was just another little girl in the playground who played by herself, building sandcastles and then crashing it down then chortling buoyantly, as if she found content in destroying such a delicate form of an awkwardly shaped sandcastle. Perhaps, his stare was so judging and long that Soojung caught him and suddenly jumped in front of his face, scaring the life out of him as he fell to his knees.
She guffawed hysterically, peals of tinking bells echoing out from . Her skin was pasty and white, and her hair was trimmed into a short page boy cut, which probably have caused a one week sulking attitude from Soojung to her mother, just because she thought it was more convenient that way than to have a long hair, as her hair was rowdy and it was a waste of shampoo. Seungcheol blinked at her, thinking that her laughters were too sweet for a boy.
She stopped laughing, and wiped the sweats from her forehead and stretched her hand to him, her lips stretched into a wide smile. "I'm Jung Soojung and your reaction was funny, so let's be friends!"
They met on Friday and ever since that day, whenever they returned from their school, they always promised to meet each other there. To play hide and seek, to play the slide as Soojung pushed him from behind and whilst running, Seungcheol would trip Soojung and she would fall, knees scraped yet apologies were not needed, because they were having fun and they didn't have the slightest need to hurt each other.
Whenever Seungcheol went to meet her, he would always be accompanied by his nanny and Soojung would be accompanied by none because her parents couldn't hire any, and her parents were too busy working for the life of five of them, two of her younger brothers and three for her, her mother and her father. Seungcheol belonged to the family of a well-known owner of a printing company and she was just a mere child of a working class mother and a working class father.
Growing up, they attended different schools where Seungcheol entered a private one, while Soojung attended a public one. And even with that, along the way Soojung stopped as she had to think of her two younger brothers, twins as they are, in elementary school and they are boys. Boys should be educated no matter what, and Soojung sacrificed her dreams for her brothers.
She doesn't understand most of Seungcheol's words, because sometimes he would talk about scientific things, which she has never heard of and never have the time to look them up also. Condensation, evaporation, Alaska, Bolivia, Coppen's theory, Schmidt's theory. Seungcheol loves the study of geography, and she always listens even though she doesn't understand. She holds herself back for throwing too much questions most of the time, because it always seems as if Seungcheol has been holding everything that he wants to say in school and pours it out to her, who accepts him as he is.
He sits up, holding out his fingers to the sky. He thinks that the rain should be falling by now. "Why did you ask me that, Soojung?"
"You're going to leave me someday, Seungcheol-"
His eyes that reminds Soojung of a deer caught in the headlights flashes in surprise and his answer is too rushed, because he hates Soojung to think that way. "No, Soojung, I'm not leaving you-"
"You will," Soojung utters with no hint of clarity, but a hint of resolute persistence, something to assure herself. She closes her eyes painfully. "I don't have a future, Cheol. As we grow up, the differences between us increase and we talk about things that don't even connect with each other-"
"It hurts that I'm constantly reminded of how you are brilliant, and I'm nothing near that-"
Seungcheol gets up abruptly, his face cold and not understanding. "If you really want me to stop, then I will," Seungcheol feels frustrated at her for being so complicated all of the sudden, because Soojung has always been light, carefree and calm, seemingly as if she doesn't have any worry for this life. She makes him forget how life is cruel and at the same time, he feels guilty for actually making her feel like that all this time.
And Seungcheol leaves, taking her memories with him. The rain falls, the Cumulonimbus clouds coated in grey ash as the sky turns black but Soojung's heart is still made of light, though dim. For once, Soojung lets all of it touch her skin, her dusty knees cleaned and her sweats cleansed but her skin is still in the shade of summer, sunburnt from the scorching yellow sun. Her skin that Seungcheol said he would trade with his if that's possible. Soojung closes her eyes and thinks of herself for once.
She thinks of her father, whose thoughts of him she has shunned away these days, because reminders of him only bring her pain and grief when her father is no longer here. Soojung wants to go back to that time, that time where despite of their economic struggle, by the end of the day, all the five of them would sit in the dining table then have dinners and talk to each other about their days and it would be enough.
For Soojung, it's enough for her to be home with her family.
Ö
For the next few days, Soojung patiently waits after her work time there, for him to come back, for him to replace the shadows that set its foot on his place. She sighs but she doesn't regret any of her words. Seungcheol needs to know that.
On the ninth day, Seungcheol comes back.
"I'm leaving you, Jung Soojung. Damn you, now you get what you want right?"
Soojung weeps, in her sleeveless t-shirt and shorts and beach sandals as Seungcheol breaks out the news that he is moving. He is moving away from her. Seungcheol sees her elegant arms and legs and body tremble beneath the sky, whose clouds aren't Cumulonimbus and that Seungcheol is a dandelion now.
She has always been lean and tall, even they almost have the same height that makes Seungcheol classified as short whilst Soojung as the tall unfortunate girl. He recalls Soojung in pasty skin, and how she looks better in golden with her sunkissed skin as she looks different than people around him, even if all of it is caused by her playing beneath the sun on scorchingly hot days.
"Is it far? It's a place where we will never meet again right?" She hiccups and looks at him, tears keep b and b around her eyes and he only stands before her as she crumbles apart. He doesn't know how to comfort someone, as he only knows how to love, not to fix.
He nods. She pulls her knees closer to her body. "We will never meet again-"
Seungcheol exhales spring and Soojung still loves his skin. "We will, I will come back-"
She shakes her head peristently, her tears coming to a stop. She doesn't believe in anything all along her life, not even him. "I just need you to promise me something."
"What is it?" Seungcheol's voice falls into a soft whisper as she motions him to come closer.
She peers closer into his face; his thick eyebrows, his ivory skin, his adorable nose, his dimple when he smiles and his eyes, gosh, his eyes, sparkling like a diamond and as she always says, like a deer. Soojung places both of her palms by the side of his face, smiling ruefully. "This will be the last time that I will touch your face, and this will be the image of you, whom I will never forget."
"Why are you saying it as if we will never meet each other again-"
"Destiny knows that we won't. I want you to promise me this, promise me that you will remember me-"
He moves from her touch. "I will never forget, Soojung, I wouldn't dare-"
"And how will you remember me?" her eyes brighten and Seungcheol grins.
"I will remember you, Jung Soojung, who reminds me of the earth, of how you will live forever even if you wouldn't, of how you are a wildflower that sleeps under the interlacing fingers of the clouds, of how you will always grow back despite of people destroying you and toppling you down. You are a wild child, who spends her time fooling around with the nature and at the same time spend your days working under the pressure of life. And you are my wild flower-my only wildflower in this whole universe. Always and forever will be," Seungcheol ends up shedding tears and she pulls him into a hug.
Soojung's fingers latch to his hair, it and once in a while she taps the back of his neck softly. The realization only hits him now that he is about to separate with his bestfriend who is like his other half, who understands him more than the others, who listens even if she doesn't understand.
"Wildflower-" her words are fleeting and her voice seems far from his ears. "It's been long since you said that, that I'm a wildflower. You stopped calling me that when you got into high school."
He still weeps and hugs Soojung closer. She remembers of the littlest things of their moments and Seungcheol has always been forgetful as he discard lots of things in his mind to fill it with knowledge. He is afraid that he'll forget this and forget Soojung.
"I want to give you one last gift," Soojung tries to not break and choke up on her voice as she pulls away and brings herself to face him.
"You're forgetful, and i'm afraid that'll be the death of you. So here it is," Soojung places her lips so close to his lips, breathing the coolness of mint toothpaste and when she brushes her lips to his, Seungcheol's heart explodes into a million butterfly and he feels like a galaxy is reconstructed beneath him, million things broken taking their time to organize itself despite their state in pieces. Her lips destroys and rebuilds his heart over and over again as he kisses back and she kisses back, slowly and softly and taking their time.
"You're forgetful, and i'm afraid that'll be the death of you. So here it is," Soojung places her lips so close to his lips, breathing the coolness of mint toothpaste and when she brushes her lips to his, Seungcheol's heart explodes into a million butterfly and he feels like a galaxy is reconstructed beneath him, million things broken taking their time to organize itself despite their state in pieces. Her lips destroys and rebuilds his heart over and over again as he kisses back and she kisses back, slowly and softly and taking their time.
And they kiss, in the brokenness loathing a farewell and a closure that is bound to happen until the world ends, perhaps until their world ends, hoping that tomorrow will never come and today would be forever and their end.
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