"i am a whisper,
i'm a secret that nobody keeps.
i'm a dreamer of someone else's dreams
when i'm without you."

- sleeping at last, dear true love

special dedication to Channnnz, who appreciate my tales despite its flaws.

changmin can list a lot of things that he loves about im yoona, into a scroll of ancient paper that will slip from his hand as he fumbles to get it out from his bag, and it will stretch out like a red carpet that welcomes the king, so long he probably can't see the end of it, as that is how it feels when he spent an hour of rolling it in.

changmin doesn't have a lot of things to like in general, but in the case of a girl named im yoona, it's another different story. changmin never really understands why, but he had looked it up in the internet, and the internet said that it's love. changmin doesn't know what love is, but he is sure that he likes the feeling of listing all the things he find endearing about her.

he has so much to say, but too little time to forgive the limitation time gives. his voice is shaky and breathy as yoona lies before him, smiling and withering. summer couldn't feel colder than it never was.

"yoona, i have always liked your handwriting, you know. i think you din't know. it's scrawny and tall and despite the messy scrawls, i still like it. i told you to write in my book, yet you never did. i just want to see you write in something that belongs to me."

1 (day 30, before)

"you might not realize this, but you have a habit of smacking your teeth together whenever you're bored, as your eyes fleet from one student to the other. i noticed from your back as i sat behind you, noticing the contracting moving jaws and sounds of snappings that people never really pointed out. but i noticed, i heard you."

2 (day 31, before)

"i haven't told you, how desperate i felt the first time you wept because your mother died of leukimia. i wanted to hold you, and hold your hand, interlacing my rougher hands with your soft ones, wrapping my bigger arms around your frail body, giving you all the warmth, to take whatever gives you the cold. i have always liked the touch of your fingers whenever it lands either on my face, or my ears."

3 (day 35, before)

"you have always written a short poem or a favourite quote of yours, or even a song, a favourite vocabulary in scraps of papers and post-its. you said that it's a waste to keep such beautiful words to yourself, and therefore you occasionally leave it on purpose for other people to find. you remember this right, yoona? i hope you are listening to me right now, despite not opening your eyes. i hope that you are actually conscious despite these doctors telling me, that you are better off dead.."

4 (day 37, before)

"it's nothing new to say that i like your smile, as i have said to you on the times you couldn't manage a small one. but i like your smile when you see your long time bestfriend whom you haven't met for years, eyes so bright and your face glows like the sun. it's my favourite smile of yours, that i wish to see when you look at me."

5 (day 40, before)

"i always enjoy the time whenever you lay your head into my shoulder, how perfect it feels with your shoulders brushing mine and your lips grazing my white uniform. how locks of your hair fall lightly and quietly to your face, as if careful to not wake you up."

6 (day 41, before)

"i wonder how does it feel to see the world through your eyes. you have always had a bright view of this cold world, finding things to brighten yourself if anything ever goes wrong. you said that there are so many things to hate, yet too much to love. and that is how you are strong and willful, never bending to people's opinions and thoughts."

7 (day 42, before)

"i love your eyes, im yoona. how it gleams at the slightest curiosity that bubbles up in your head. how it glitters when you see certain things you find endearing and ends up touching it. some moments i caught you reaching out into the air, perhaps that's you trying to touch the morning pinkish clouds-and i beg you to open your eyes! i beg you to prove them all, that you are alive and here and not leaving me!"

8 (day 43, after)

"i love you, im yoona, all that is of you. and i still have more to tell, how i love the way you fall asleep so fast, how you rub your neck when you're confused-"

crash and burn, changmin feels all of that when yoona's death spreads around like any other deaths in the world.

9 (day 44, after)

"i should have noticed-i should have noticed how you used handkerchiefs after you cough, how pallid you appeared, even with you brushing it away that you just couldn't catch a sleep back then. you still looked alive, and i was too blind in finding the pretty things, to notice the decaying you."

10 (day 45, after)

"i can't still move on from you, yoona. you said no goodbyes and the only form of your farewell, is that weak squeeze to my hand before your heart rate dropped instantly-"

"-on the 44th day, you passed away. i remember the little prince and his sadness in seeing the fourty four sunsets, and i think that is me, unable to answer to people's words of condolences."

11 (day 50, after)

"-i love you, i love you, i love you-"

changmin chant these words for the last time to the sky as he moves on, forever keeping her in a special place inside his heart, where she will be hopeful and well, always happy(and of course, his).

12 (day 120, end)