We often ask ourselves if we are doing the right thing, if we don’t hurt other people along the way or if we don’t break any rules just to do what we want to do. However sometimes, we are forced to do such things and not ask ourselves anymore because the happiness of someone we love is at stake.

Seunghyun has stopped asking himself- there is no need to question his decisions and the circumstances being thrown at him. He only thinks that everything happens for a reason; sitting down in silence while contemplating on his life and talking it over with someone else are not necessary anymore. He doesn’t want to think and open up. End of story.

There are still those brief moments when he finds himself trapped and about to explode from having too much emotions but he tries his best to ignore the lump inside him that he carries all throughout the day, for several days.

A soft click of his heavy wooden door brings him back to his senses from his small trance. Slim arms wrap tightly around his waist and face nuzzles closer against his back, the breathing coming from the man hugging him from behind and the loose yet comforting hold around him take away the cold breeze of the night. He slowly turns around and faces the smiling man in front of him.

“Hi hyung..” The younger whispered, his breath reeking of alcohol and his eyes are half closed.

“Ji, what are you doing here?” It came out as in a slightly uncomfortable tone but Jiyong ignores and hugs Seunghyun tighter.

“Am I not welcomed here anymore?”

He is, he always is. But today is Wednesday, Jiyong usually meets up with random people every Monday and Wednesday nights, or whenever he feels lonely and the older can’t take away the loneliness enveloping the younger, Seunghyun stopped asking what Jiyong does with them because he is afraid he would lose his senses if he hears the answer from Jiyong himself.

“You’re doing it again.” Jiyong smiles and slowly retreats his arms around Seunghyun’s toned body. He walks back inside and sits on the expensive couch that Seunghyun recently bought online.

“Doing what?” Seunghyun raises an eyebrow and follows Jiyong inside, locking the door behind him. The sudden silence without the noise of the city night is so deafening that he has to hum in his head just to get rid of the slight awkwardness in the room.

Jiyong tiredly lies down on the couch, his shirt hiking up a bit causing some of his flat tummy to show. “Spacing out. Thinking too much.” He sighs heavily and looks at Seunghyun with a soft smile. “Can we cuddle tonight? I didn’t, by the way. In case you’re wondering.”

Seunghyun only nods and pretends he didn’t hear, he bites on his bottom lip to stop himself from asking. He is very curious. But as usual, he is scared to know the answer.

Jiyong stands up and casually heads to Seunghyun’s room, he takes a shower and puts on his favorite pair of Seunghyun’s pajamas. They are too huge for him but he doesn’t care at all. He said before that wearing the older’s clothes is like having those strong arms wrapped tightly and securely around him.

They didn’t speak until they are all snuggled against each other. Small and gentle caresses are exchanged; along with some very little body rubs just to keep each other warm. None of them noticed that it has started to rain for both of them are too engrossed with pondering over things. Something Seunghyun hates but can’t help to do when Jiyong is around.

*

“Hyung..” Seungri whispers after taking a sip from his wine.

They were drinking for hours; Seunghyun didn’t realize it was their second bottle already. Both of them are still very sober probably due to the deep talk they were having.

Seunghyun raised his gaze to meet Seungri’s concerned eyes. This is why he doesn’t like talking about things, he doesn’t want sympathy. However, at that moment, he knew he needed to let everything out for the first and last time. “I’m always so scared of losing Jiyong. I love him and I always want him to be happy.”

“But his happiness causes you pain. Don’t you think it’s too much?”

Seunghyun stopped and blinked, he did think of it once but later he told himself that there is no such thing as “too much” when it comes to Jiyong.

“No.” He stared at the almost empty glass in his hand before putting it on the table. “He can sleep with anyone he wants as long as he comes to me after-“

“So you can hold him.” Seungri didn’t want to hear it from Seunghyun but he had to bear with everything for his favorite hyung. He couldn’t hate his Jiyong hyung, he had no right because he hadn’t heard the other side of the story yet but he thought Jiyong was selfish. “I have with different women whenever I have the chance to, but unlike Jiyong hyung, I don’t hurt someone else.”

Seunghyun took a deep breath and poured himself another glass of red, drinking it in one go. “You don’t understand. You haven’t reached that moment in your life yet where you want to it all up, risk so much and forget about yourself just to keep the person you love the most.”

His heart was breaking, his stomach was lurching and head was spinning. It wasn’t from the alcohol.

“If it would mean I get to be like you, no offense though, forgetting my own happiness by drinking wine and isolating myself from everyone, then I never wish to reach that stage, part, whatever.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. It may hurt sometimes, but there are moments when I feel like I am the luckiest man. How he shows he cares and he loves me, I forget all the.. pain.” The barrel was already full that the content was starting to spill.

“But they are only moments, hyung. You’re holding onto just moments. You’re still expecting him to change and everytime he comes to you after he does it with someone else, you wait for him to look you in the eyes and promise to you that he will change.” Seungri placed his small hand on Seunghyun’s shoulder and gave it a light yet comforting squeeze. “I love you, Seunghyun hyung and I hope you stop hurting yourself.”

*

Seunghyun looks down at the now sleeping Jiyong, he watches his younger boyfriend rest peacefully in his arms. He wishes for this to last longer and to happen more frequently but it’s only up to Jiyong. He doesn’t want to make demands because Jiyong might leave him for demanding. Although their maknae has a point and what Seungri told him about he being too stupid for making himself too much available, and that he should start fighting, it is still so hard to make any move because when it comes to Jiyong, he becomes weak and pliable.

Jiyong is the first to wake up the next morning, like Seunghyun, he watches his boyfriend sleep. He frowns after noticing the lines forming on Seunghyun’s forehead, those dark bags under his eyes and cheek bones that are becoming more prominent than the last time they saw each other. He wants to nag at Seunghyun but he knows what is causing the older’s distress.

Tears running down his cheeks as he sobs silently. He feels guilty but he can’t find the will to stop what he is doing. He already had a talk with Youngbae about this, he is well aware of the agony Seunghyun is experiencing but his strong need to explore himself- to be as free as a bird, holds him from changing.

*

“I won’t judge you. I won’t ask you to change. I won’t ask you to stop doing that and start doing this. But I want you to know that you’re being very selfish. You’ve been thinking about yourself. How about Seunghyun hyung?” Youngbae calmly asked the trembling Jiyong in front of him.

Jiyong had been crying for hours. He couldn’t focus on his work and he almost caused some trouble in the studio because he kept fidgeting and getting all worked up over very petty things.

“You don’t understand..” Jiyong choked between sobs whilst wiping his face.

“Then make me understand, Ji. Make Seunghyun hyung understand. We’ve been best friends for years and to be honest, I don’t understand you anymore.”

Jiyong stayed quiet for a while, so did Youngbae.

*

Once he has calmed down, he prepares breakfast and brings them to Seunghyun’s room. He kisses the older’s face until he wakes up. This is something Seunghyun hasn’t experienced in so long. And now he is worried. Very worried.

“Good morning..” His voice hoarse from sleep. “Thought you left.”

Jiyong smiles sadly and shakes his head. “No, I’m staying longer this time.”

Seunghyun freezes. He wants to ask why but he doesn’t want to ruin things just yet so he nods. He takes his time on eating the food Jiyong prepared. They didn’t talk again, Seunghyun has nothing to say meanwhile Jiyong has been preparing his speech.

Jiyong stares at Seunghyun for a long while, his body is starting to shake from nervousness and how Seunghyun looks so calm makes it so hard for him to compose himself and formulate the write words to say. So without saying anything, he scoots closer and wraps his arms around Seunghyun’s neck to hug him so tight.

Seunghyun can only blink but lets the younger hold him, he reciprocates the hug and they stay in silence for a while. He is standing on the steep cliff, and any minute now he may fall and crush into a million pieces. Jiyong on the other hand is trying to recollect every piece of him that shattered when Seunghyun hugged him in a very affectionate way. He feels disgusted on himself. He loathes himself. And he knows he has to put an end to this turmoil before he loses everything he has. It is now or never.

“Hyun..” He pulls away from the hug and looks into Seunghyun’s dark eyes. “I don’t know where and how to start apologizing to you. It was wrong. I shouldn’t-“

Seunghyun shakes his head. He hates confrontations yet here is Jiyong, starting one.

“Don’t. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to hear anything. It’s okay, I will always forgive you.”

Jiyong holds onto his chest, his head is starting to spin again and it’s as if he would throw up any second now. He is so touched by how the older is willing to forgive him so easily, yet he feels like he needs to release everything inside him to cleanse himself up to the very last strand of his being. He hates how forgiving Seunghyun is so he stands up and kneels on the floor with his head down in front of Seunghyun. His apologies will never take away the scar he has left on Seunghyun’s heart.

The older then quickly stands up and carries him to the bed. “Are you out of your mind? Did you come here to kneel like that?!”

Jiyong is crying now. “No! I came here so you can hate me! I want you to hurt me the same way I did to you. But why can’t you?”

Seunghyun stays silent and now he is back to square one, he wants to know as well. Is it because he is a masochist or is it because loves Jiyong so much? Most probably the latter because there was never a day when he didn’t wish for Jiyong to change. He always has his hopes for the younger, not because he is desperate or miserable but because he has so much faith that they will finally find what they have been missing through each other.

“Jiyong.. let’s just forget everything and start a new life.”

“What do you mean? Do you still love me despite what I did to you?”

“Don’t be silly, I never stopped loving you.”

Jiyong smiles and cups Seunghyun’s cheeks, they stare into each other’s eyes while they exchange their silent promises to love each other for as long as they can.