CHAPTER FOUR

I felt nauseous when we entered on the practice room. Not even glancing anyone I approached my guitar and squeezed it against me, feeling out of the place. Why didn’t you laugh? Why had I made this huge deal out of this in the first place? Questions were all over in my head and I couldn't get rid of them, which made me feel irritated. “Damn...” I whispered by myself, simultaneously hearing that you guys were talking about something together and laughing while doing so. Due to that I felt even more down, should I just go away?

“Kuinyan?” I startled, as I suddenly heard a voice near me. I raised my head and saw Koudai’s worried face. “Are you okay? You seem sorta.. off.” As his voice faded away I couldn’t help but feel somehow better for now. Someone had noticed that I wasn't too well right now and that felt nice. It was like a soft hug of affection coming from a friend, which – I guess, this really was as a matter of fact.

I smiled to him and his expression relaxed gradually. “I’m ok, just feeling a bit off, but you can be sure that I’ll shake it off as soon as we start playing.” I laughed and you laughed too, your face getting much more brighter. “Oh really? Ha, I bet your guitar won’t even be heard because of your shy playing. On the contrary my bass..” As I heard that I kicked you, annoyed of your teasing, but yet laughing myself.

“Oh Kuinyan, kicking again poor Koudai? I’m sure you’ve got some aggression problem- “I could hear Tomoya’s words and Kazuki’s chuckling on the background. I shook my head hastily and yelled an objection to that, which made everyone laugh even more. Just like that, my anxiety was like blown away, even though your quietness still bothered me as you didn’t say much as we babbled. When we started playing, my attention focused elsewhere for a moment though - and so the time flew.

We practiced lots before taking a short break. I was all sweaty and exhausted, but it had it's good sides, because I was much more calmer about the whole situation between you and I now. I stretched my arms and yawned, while looking at the others. Kazuki was sipping water from his bottle, Koudai and Tomoya were chatting about something, while sitting down on the mattress, and you.. I startled a bit - where were you?

It seemed like you had vanished at once we had taken a break. I shook my head in frustration, this wasn't a good sign. We were going to end up nowhere by doing this to ourselves. “Hey, did anyone see where Baru went?” I asked, a little awkward. Our behavior felt so obvious even to me and I avoided glances of our friends and bandmates.

“Hey, what’s the matter with you two? You’ve acted weirdly all day” Tomoya let these words out and I saw that Koudai was looking at me curiously, yet there was an odd smile in the corner of his eyes . Kazuki just tilted his head, obviously confused. I gulped, being mentally prepared of the various comments. “It’s because.. Baru and I..” “Hellooo yo, miss me already?” I was interrupted by your cheerful voice. “You bet!” said Tomoya and everyone chuckled to that, including you. I felt weird, what was this sinking feeling in my stomach?

“Kuinyan missed you though,“ Koudai teased, with innocent-ish tone. I turned my eyes on him, what was he up to now? As if he’d have known about… “Oh did you? Poor thing, I'm sorry to leave you out of my lovely presence” Casually you caressed my hair and smiled widely. I knew at once something was wrong. Something in your gestures and your smile didn't convenience me. It was just..

You had touched me with your soft hands so easily, out of the blue, like I’d have been nothing more but a pal. But was I not then? We have been best buddies pretty much since the first time we met and even though I’ve always felt something warm inside me whenever I have been thinking of you, it doesn’t mean that you’d actually answer to my feelings.. But what had yesterday been then?

It had been too real to be a dream. Also, if I dared to recall it right, you have always had that soft, gentle look in your eyes when you have been patting my violet locks, joking this habit off. But just before it had felt entirely different, your touch didn’t feel right. As light as ever, it had been nothing but a friend’s casual touch. As so I felt like crying my heart out, what had happened? Why?

I saw that you and the others were talking cheerfully and I could feel annoyance of all the emotions, bubbling inside me. I felt sad, yes, broken-hearted yes, but the most strongest emotion I felt at that moment was annoyance and frustration. Pouting I turned my gaze away from everyone, walking towards my guitar. I decided to kill time by playing it in the corner, wishing that I'd be able to relieve my swirling emotions. I didn’t have much time to do so though, as I heard that someone was approaching me.

I turned around quickly - what now? “Eh Koudai?” I let out, surprised by his sudden appearance and also of his expression, which seemed rather awkward. “Yup, me. I just… Wanted to say that I’ve noticed something’s going on, and I’ve nothing against it.” Before I could say anything he nodded towards your direction and I could feel the heat on my face.

“What are you even suggest..?” “Aw man, don’t try to deny it, it’s written all over your face, also I knew this was going to happen eventually, you two just.. you know, click?” He smiled sincerely and I felt the need of escaping, this was so embarrassing! “But, but.. How did you..?” That was all I could ask for right now, as confusion spreaded through me. Koudai just grinned sheepishly and added casually; “You should see you two in eyes of the other people, I bet even our fans have suspicions!”

I squeaked, feeling so uneasy and I couldn't even look at him as he chuckled to my face and took a leave. Due to that I was even more anxious now. Why had he said something like that? Something like our fans would know some things we hadn't even known ourselves? How could that even be possible?

I shook my head, trying to control my confused emotions, feeling unstable. He probably had just wanted to tease me for the sake of all of those times I had kicked him, I thought, trying to ease my mind with that, but for some reason it didn't work out. “Hey, Kuinyan, wanna have some coffee before continuing? “ It was your low, laid back voice. I had an urge to run into your arms, but some hesitancy stopped me from doing so. “Su..re” I murmured, not gazing at your direction. I was afraid to look at you because I didn't know what would I see if I looked.

Quietness followed as I heard your steps going further away from me. I sighed, what was going on here just now? Why were you like that, why was it like you would be avoiding me? It was a total opposite to your behavior earlier. Something wasn't right. I just knew it. I gazed at everyone, trying to analyse them. Maybe, just maybe, I would be able to solve this, just by looking at them? I doubted this even myself but I couldn’t let it go like this, it was the matter of my best friend and the person I love-

“Eh what are you doing?” I heard Kazuki’s confused voice and I fixed my eyes on him, wishing that my thoughts didn’t reveal my hidden feelings. “How come?” I replied quickly. “Um, well you are blushing and you’ve got one dreamy looking face as you’re on your own in the corner..” He explained, looking at me sharply. , I thought. Koudai may have been right, I might be that obvious as he had said.

“Eehh, I think you’re just seeing things, I’m not like that at all, I just..” I blabbed casually, being very nervous at the same time. He couldn’t know, you wouldn’t approve that and probably it was just going to end up badly. “You know, I’ve got feeling that something’s going on with you and Baru, I mean you both have been weird all day long, has something we should know of happened?” Kazuki’s usual sunny, cheerful face was now oddly serious, maybe even worried? I still tried to shrug it away. “No, nothing's going on.” I lied to one of my best friends and felt overly guilty about it. Why had I ended up like this? I had never wanted to lie and feel this miserable, I had never thought it'd happen to me, to be completely honest. Yet here I was., trying to hold back my tears. You were avoiding me, I was faking everything in front of our friends and I felt totally like a crap, would this get any worse?

“Hey, coffee is done Kuinyan! Wanna grap some? “ It was your awfully cheerful voice. I wiped quickly my few escaped tears away from the corners of my eyes. “Sure, going to just..use bathroom a bit.” I said mumbling, not feeling like speaking casually when nothing was casual. You and I weren't casual, we had never been that and we were not going to be that now either. I turned around and tried to pass you – bathroom was on the opposite direction.

But you stopped me. “Hey Kuina.. I...” I could notice your serious face, kind of sad and full of.. what? Something soft, barely touchable and recognizable. It was also that something which made me stop what I was doing and lean closer to you, wanting nothing but to close the gap between us, wipe the avoidance and lies away, this damn pretending away. Your answer was immediate and eager, as your lips were place against mine, taste of black coffee in them. This couldn't be any better.

As we had this moment on the corridor, something decided to interrupt us, of course. “Baru, Kuina, Moru asked you to share his cookies because of his dieting..?” It was Tomoya who interrupted us in the middle of something lovely. As he walked next to us we separated quickly - but not quickly enough. My hand was still in your waist, your body was close to mine, as if it'd be drawn towards me.. I bet we both looked like deers in the head lights. Also I was sure Tomoya had seen us. I felt cold sweat on my skin, how was he going to react?