Sometimes, I was the dictionary definition of a perfectionist.  Instead of practicing to the point where I got things right, I would practice to the point where I never got them wrong.  But at other times, I was considerably less dedicated and didn’t see the benefits of pushing myself myself like that.  After all, I didn’t have to do everything perfectly all the time, did I?  I had my own mindset: it was okay to fail because failure was just a sign that I had pushed myself to my limits.  It meant that I had set my expectations too high, which was never a good thing.  If I did that, I would always be discouraged, which wouldn’t get me anywhere.  If I always expected good things to happen to me, I would be crestfallen when they didn’t happen.  Sometimes it was better to set my expectations a little lower so that my disappoint wouldn’t crush me completely.  All my life, my parents had taught me that it was sometimes good to fail because analyzing failure was the only way I could learn from my mistakes and improve accordingly.

But now that I, along with Jiyeong and a few other trainees, was in Lee Sooman’s office and listening to him talk about what being an SM trainee meant, that mindset seemed unimportant.  Irrelevant.

It had been twenty minutes since the five of us had sat down, and Lee Sooman had already gone over most of things I had expected we would cover: training schedules and how they would affect school, dorm rules, what facilities were located in the SM building and where.  Now that he was on the topic of training and debut, I felt my stomach clenching and unclenching in apprehension.

“The reason why all of you are here is because you proved that you were better than the other candidates at auditions.  Or because a scout noticed a certain quality about you that made you stand out from the rest.  Our purpose here at SM is to train you and provide you with the resources you need to become a successful idol.  Therefore, needless to say, helping the mediocre is a waste of time.  Only the best will rise to the top and become idols.  If you’re going to be here, you’re going to have to be the best.  Nothing short of perfection will be tolerated, is that understood?”

“Yes, sir,” we all said in response.

“All of you know that while you are here as trainees, debuting is your ultimate goal.  Consistent, well-polished performances are what you should strive for during every practice, regardless of how tired or busy you might be.  Failure is not an option if you want to stay here and continue to train.  If you fail to live up to the company’s expectations, there is a possibility that you will be evicted from SM.  Is that clear?”

I knew that there were monthly evaluations where a group of judges assessed each trainee.  They would determine whether or not the trainee improved, and whether or not they would be allowed to remain at SM.

It was the first day, I hadn’t even gone to my first practice session, and I already felt like puking from the amount of stress.

What was wrong with me?  This was nothing less of what I expected before I decided to audition.  But the stern tone in which Lee Sooman was telling us all this doubled the pressure.

“Those of you who truly want to debut will succeed as long as you believe that you can.  By establishing a solid goal and working hard towards it, failure can be avoided.  All of you should keep a journal and write in it daily.  Note what you did that day during practice.  Write down what you think you did well on and what you think you need to improve on.  Set high goals for yourself, and if you are genuinely committed, you will find a way to achieve them.”

His words were almost the exact opposite of everything I had ever learned, but I told myself that I needed to change my way of thinking.

The thought of what lay ahead of me was daunting.  So at that moment, seated in Lee Sooman’s office next between Jiyeong and a boy with monolids and a extremely pronounced jawline, I decided that I was going to be positive about all of it.  No matter what adversities I would face in the coming weeks, months, or even years, I would endure it all and stay optimistic.  I would set high goals for myself and reach them at all costs.  I would practice for however long it took.  I wouldn’t complain.  I would debut, I promised myself.

“Please work hard.”  I snapped out of my thoughts and focused my attention on Lee Sooman again.  “That’s all.  You may go to your schedules now.”

The five us of got up, bowed, thanked him, and got our things before heading out the door.  I was the last one out and I was about to close the door behind me, but before I could, I heard him clear his throat.

“Oh, and one more thing,” he said.  I turned back around, moving off to the side so that the other people who had crowded back in the doorway could see him too.  He made sure all of us were listening before he opened his mouth again.

“I went through all your audition videos.  And I must say, I can see that some of you have true potential.  Some of you have the talent and determination we’re looking for, a few of the valuable qualities future idols must have.”

I blinked rapidly as the others acknowledged his words.  I bowed a little belatedly.  Could he be talking about me?  I hoped he was.  But then again, there were four other trainees present and he could easily be referring to someone else.  Namely the boy with the extremely pronounced jawline, who was standing behind me and looking at Lee Sooman with an expression I couldn’t describe.  His eyes held a mixture of hope, but also the slightest bit of incredulity.

Maybe Lee Sooman wasn’t talking about you at all, I thought a little sadly.  Maybe it’s just that other boy.  But as we exited his office, I took a deep breath and tried to push that thought out of my head.

Don’t think like that, Lee Seoyoon.  Remember what he just told you?  Set high goals for yourself, and if you are genuinely committed, you will find a way to achieve them.  From now on, you’re going to work hard and push yourself beyond your limits.  That’s the only way you’re going to get to debut.  And remember what Boa said, okay?  You’re going to have to stand out from the others.

I slowly found my way to the the room where I was supposed to have my vocal lessons.  After checking the number on the door and making sure it was the right one, I took another deep breath.

You got this.

Vocal practice ended at noon, but it wasn’t until 12:10 that I finally walked out the door and hurried to the cafeteria downstairs.  I got myself a tray, filled part of it with rice and other meats and vegetables, and sat down at a table in a corner by myself.  Jiyeong, Yaewon, Boa, and Haneul were nowhere to be seen, and I didn’t know anyone else in the busy cafeteria.  I ate slowly, knowing that I had dance practice in less than an hour.  The foods that I had chosen to eat were relatively easy to digest, but I found myself setting half of it aside and putting it in my bag so I wouldn’t get cramps during practice.

After I finished, I took out a small notebook that my vocal instructor had given me.  It was the journal that Lee Sooman had previously told us to write in.  Flipping to the first page and taking out a pen from my backpack, I thought for a few minutes about what to put down.

February 26, 2000

Today during vocal practice, I learned some breathing techniques that will stop me from running out of breath when I sing.  I will practice this later on before I go to sleep.  These breathing techniques are beneficial because not only do they improve my vocal performance, they can also be used whenever I’m stressed out.  I can control my breathing when I’m worried about something.

I clicked the pen a few times and read over what I wrote.  I glanced at the clock on the cafeteria wall and saw that dance practice was going to start in ten minutes.  Getting up from my seat, I stowed everything into my bag and wove through the other tables, exiting the cafeteria.

The dance studios were located on the second floor.  As I entered the room with five minutes to spare, the first thing I noticed were the twenty or so trainees already in the room.  All of them were guys, and all of them looked at least four or five years older than I was.  I vaguely remembered an SM representative telling me the day I signed the contract that I had gotten into Class A, the highest level dance class the company offered.  I also recalled him telling me that girls rarely got into Class A because the styles of dance Class A focused on were much different from those of the other classes.  I put down my bag in a corner of the room, trying my best to ignore the others, who were giving me peculiar looks.  When I looked back up, they had gone back to what they had been doing when I had come in: practicing their routines and talking amongst themselves.

I didn’t know anyone in the room and it looked like I was the only new trainee.  For the next few minutes, I stood against the wall awkwardly, clueless about what to do.  I wanted to practice with them so I could improve, but there was nothing I could practice, and judging from their body language, none of them was particularly interested in talking to me.  Normally, I would go up to one of them and strike up a conversation like my usual bubbly self would have done, but in this case, doing so felt strange.  Instead, I busied myself by tying up my long hair in a ponytail.

Seconds later, the door opened again.  I straightened expectantly, but it turned out to be the boy who had been sitting next to me in Lee Sooman’s office.  He had gotten into Class A too?  I looked him up and down, getting a clear, full-body view of him for the first time.  He didn’t look that much older than me.  Fourteen or fifteen at most.

Three dance instructors walked in just as he was putting down his things.  I bowed in sync with the other trainees in the room, even though I was still standing apart from the others.

“Good afternoon, everyone,” one of the instructors said.  “Before we review the routine, let’s go through warmups first.”

On cue, one of the older trainees stepped to the front of the room and took his place.  The instructors went off to the side.  I watched them for a moment before the older trainee spoke and my eyes darted back to the front.

“Everyone, spread out,” he commanded.  Without another word, he began doing jumping jacks, counting the numbers out loud as he did so.  The others immediately followed him, and after a brief second, I began doing jumping jacks as well, silently grateful that I hadn’t eaten that much for lunch.

After fifteen or twenty minutes of warm-ups and stretches, the older trainee looked back to the instructor, who got up from the couch in the corner where he had been watching us.

“As you all know, monthly evaluations are almost upon us.  Don’t forget that the day after tomorrow, all of you will have to show up at SM with your nametags.  You will all head to a closed room and present your songs and routines in front of a panel of judges.”

What?  My eyebrows shot up in surprise and as if he could read my mind, the instructor turned to look at me and the boy from Lee Sooman’s office, who was standing in the row behind me.

“I understand that there are a few newcomers here with us right now,” he said.  I dipped my head to him and nodded silently.  The instructor’s next words made me sigh to myself in relief.  “Since today is your first day here at SM, you will obviously not go through monthly evaluations because you haven’t learned any songs or routines yet.  On the 28th, both of you are excused from training and there is no need for you to come to the SM building because evaluations will take up the entire day.  However, at the end of every month after that, you two will have to go through evaluations like everyone else and learn two routines for the dance portion.  Does that make sense?”

The boy and I nodded.

“Today, the other guys here will be practicing their routines they have learned.  There’s not much you can do at the moment because you can’t be expected to master two complete routines in two days, but I’m going to teach them to you right now so you will have a taste of what it’s like.”

We nodded again, and without another word, he took us to one corner of the room.  The other trainees went to the other corner with the two other instructors and began going over a routine almost immediately, without music.  I watched them for a while, awestruck, before I was brought back to reality as the instructor cleared his throat.

“Right.  Shall we begin?  So the first move goes like this…”

The boy-- who turned out to be a thirteen-year-old named Lee Hyukjae-- and I spent the two hours or so learning one of the two new routines, step by step.  It was about a minute and thirty seconds long, faster and more complicated than any other routine I had done before.  I struggled to move fast enough and keep up with Hyukjae, who was struggling like I was, but seemed to pick up the routine faster than I did.  His movements were sharper and cleaner.  I made an effort to do the same, but when I did, I went offbeat and fell behind.  As the instructor called for a ten-minute break and everyone in the room went to their bags to get a drink, I gritted my teeth, faced the mirror, and kept practicing, forcing myself to ignore the twenty other trainees sitting on the floor, gulping down their water and watching me out of the corners of their eyes.

You’re almost there, I said to myself after practicing for a few more minutes.  If Hyukjae can do this, than you can too.  You need to get this routine down by the end of today so you can learn the second one tomorrow.  Even though you’re not doing the evaluation this month, there’s no reason why you should slack off when everyone else has worked even harder than you have.

By the time I was finally satisfied and allowed myself to get a drink of water and wipe my sweat-covered face, it was time for the other trainees to present their routines for the instructors to see.

Hyukjae and I stood at the front, a short distance away from the three instructors.  I watched as the music started up and all of them began to perform the routine the two of us had just learned in perfect sync.  My eyes widened as I took in all of it, impressed.  At the end, the instructors gave everyone a comment, and I listened carefully so I could improve my own routine as well.

Then they started the second routine, the one I was supposed to learn tomorrow.  Five seconds into the song, I could already tell that it was much, much harder than the previous one.  By the time they had finished, it took everything I had to keep my jaw from dropping the ground.  I felt a pang of worry.  How would I be able to memorize the second routine?  It too was only a minute and thirty seconds long, but it was almost double the complexity.  I swallowed nervously.

“It’s your turn now,” I suddenly heard.  Startled, I turned to look at the instructor, who was looking at Hyukjae and me with look of anticipation on his face.  I turned back to Hyukjae, but saw that he was already walking to the middle of the practice room.  I gulped and followed him to the middle, making sure there was enough room between us so we wouldn’t bump into each other while we danced.

Facial expressions.  Attention to detail.  Emotion, I said quietly to myself as one of the instructors went over to the music player to start it up.  That’s what he told the other trainees, and you need to remember that.  You already stand out because you’re one girl out of over twenty guys in the class.  If you can show the instructors that you can get a complicated routine down in just a few hours, they’ll remember you.

The music started up, and I brought my focus back to the routine.  When the cue came, I began to dance, determined to prove to everyone that I was just as good as they were.  The first thirty seconds went by perfectly smoothly.  To my delight, I hadn’t forget any of the steps.  It could have been cleaner, but for the most part, I thought it was comparable to everyone else’s performance.  It wasn’t until we were halfway into the song that I realized that something was wrong.

The majority of them wasn’t watching me.  Their eyes were trained on Hyukjae, and some of them were giving Hyukjae looks of admiration.  The instructor that was watching me was nodding in approval.  But the three trainees who were focused on me had an almost bored expression on their faces.  There was one boy who looked like he had just tasted something sour.

And that was when I began to falter.  As I came to realize that not many people were watching me and most of those who were didn’t seem to be very impressed, my performance began to decline.  My self-confidence vanished, and as the song drew to a close, I wanted nothing more than to stop dancing and get away from the middle of the room.  The thought had just entered my head when I suddenly slipped mid-turn and lost my balance.  I stumbled and fell to the floor, landing hard on my right forearm.

As the thud echoed throughout the room, everyone’s eyes turned to me.  My face instantly flushed red and I forced myself to ignore what had just happened.  Pushing myself off of the floor and wincing at my throbbing arm, I desperately tried to return to the routine.  I frantically watched the still-dancing Hyukjae and tried to start up again, but my mind had gone blank.  Panic coursed through my veins and I clutched at my arm, trying to remember what came next.  But the next ten seconds passed by and I stood there in the middle of the room, unable to do anything but watch.

I wanted to disappear through the floor.

When the song ended and Hyukjae struck the final pose, I waited for him to return to a normal position, and we both bowed to the instructor.  I kept my head down, too ashamed to look at anyone.

“Hyukjae, you’ve picked up the routine much faster than I expected you to.  Of course, it can be polished further, but it was very good considering it was only your first performance.”

My entire face burned.

“Seoyoon,” I heard him say.  Slowly, painfully, I looked up, not wanting the others to see that I was on the verge of angry tears.  How could I have been so stupid and careless?  If I had had the chance to, I would have ran out the building.

“Your performance was very good in the beginning as well.  It wasn’t until halfway through that you became distracted and messed up.  Remember, don’t let anything distract you from doing well.  I can tell that you already have most of the routine down.  You just need a little bit more practice.”

In other words, I , I thought bitterly.  But I bit down on the inside of my cheek and took a deep breath.

“Yes, sir,” I said quietly.  “I understand.  I’ll do better next time.”

“There’s two things that I tell all the trainees here.  One: perfect practice makes practice perfect.  The generic phrase is practice makes perfect, but there’s no point in practice unless the practice itself is done perfectly.  Two: no matter what you think, or what everyone else thinks, there’s always, always more room for improvement.  Does that make sense?”

I nodded, and everyone else in the room nodded too.

“Good job, everyone.  Continue to work hard while preparing for your evaluations.  I’ll see you all tomorrow.”

“Thank you for all your hard work,” the others bowed simultaneously.  Hyukjae and I repeated their words and bowed too, a little belatedly, and the instructors left the room.  As soon as they left, I hurriedly gathered up my things.  I had a workout scheduled in half an hour, and I didn’t want to be late.

I also didn’t want anyone to see that I was close to crying out of sheer frustration.

Well, Lee Seoyoon.  You’ve certainly made an impression.

My workout lasted an hour and a half, and by that time, I had somewhat cooled off.  I was still upset with myself, but not nearly as much as I had been before.

Come on, Lee Seoyoon.  Remember what Lee Sooman said?  Failure is not an option.  Stay optimistic and believe that you’ll improve and if you keep telling yourself that, you’ll improve.  It’s simple.  And remember what that instructor said?  Perfect practice makes practice perfect.  Keep telling yourself that.  You’re going to practice until you never get it wrong.

After my workout had ended, I took the bus and wrote in my journal as I headed back.  When I arrived back at the dorm, I rushed to make dinner for everyone.  Boa had gone shopping as promised, and the fridge was freshly stocked.  I hurriedly made fried rice for the four of them and ate the leftovers from my lunch.  After a short conversation with Boa about what I did today, I declined Yaewon and Jiyeong’s invitation to watch a drama episode with them and walked past Haneul, who was doing her homework at the kitchen counter again.  I grabbed my bag, put my journal, a towel, a bottle of water, and an apple in it, and started walking to the SM building for the second time that day.

It was about 7:30 when I got there, but there were still dozens of trainees in the halls, the lobby, and the practice room.  I found an empty one after several minutes of searching and headed inside, closing the door behind me.  I walked up to the mirror and stared at my reflection.  I felt a little tired, but I shook it off and took a deep breath.

“You’re only going to have so many chances, Lee Seoyoon,” I said aloud to myself.  “You’re lucky the instructor didn’t yell at you for falling like that today.  That was your own fault.  If you were paying more attention and putting in more effort, you never would have fell."

I began to pace around the room.

“Idols don’t behave like that.  They don’t get distracted by looking at the audience and their reactions.  The audience’s reactions are none of your business, do you hear me?  You should have concentrated on yourself instead.”

I stopped pacing and came face-to-face with my reflection again.

“You need to be the best.  In this industry, if you’re not going to be the best, you can forget about debuting anytime soon.  And you need to learn how to learn routines faster.  You need to learn how to get everything perfect after the first ten tries at most, not the first twenty or thirty, like you did today.  You need to learn a lot of things while you’re at SM, Lee Seoyoon.  Stop wallowing in your own self-pity and keep your chin up.  Forget about everything Umma and Appa told you about accepting failures.  From now on, failure is not acceptable, no matter the circumstances.  That’s what Lee Sooman said.  Perfection.  Perfection, Lee Seoyoon.  Aim for perfection every single time you practice.”

Suddenly, I heard the sound of the door opening and I spun around in shock, closing my mouth instantly.

“Oh.  Hi, Hyukjae,” I said as I recognized him.

“Hey.  Uh, I was just wondering if I could share this practice room with you?  All the other ones are filled.”

I nodded, and having finished my pep talk, began to go over the routine.  Hyukjae stayed on the other side of the practice room and began to go over the routine as well.

We worked in silence.  Blocking out everything except for me and the mirror, I went over the routine again and again, counting silently to myself and adjusting my movements accordingly.

Don’t go offbeat.  Exaggerate your hand motions.  Facial expressions.  Facial expressions are really important.

I lost count after going over the routine fifty times.  Hyukjae stopped to take a break every fifteen minutes or so and sat on the couch, doing what appeared to be his homework.  I ignored him and the soreness in my thighs and forced myself to keep going, even though it was well past 11:00.  I couldn’t stop now, not when I hadn’t achieved perfection.  Sure enough, after many more repetitions, I was almost completely satisfied with myself.  I let a small smile spread across my face and went to get a drink of water.

“Hey, Seoyoon?”  I heard as I sat down on the ground and gulped half of it down my throat.  I looked back up at Hyukjae.  It was the first word either of us had spoken in over four hours.

“Yeah?”

“Do you mind if I play the music?  It’ll be easier if I had the music to go with it.”

I tilted my head to the side.

“You have the music?”

“Yeah, I stayed after practice for a little bit and asked the head instructor for a copy.”

“Sure, you can play it,” I said.  Screwing the cap back onto my water bottle, I scrambled up from the ground as Hyukjae walked over to the music player and inserted a CD.  But before he could, a thought entered my head.  He was competition, but why not?

“Just an idea, do you wanna practice together?  That way we can give each other advice on how to improve.”

“Yeah, that’s fine with me.  Do you mind if I go first and you give me feedback?”

“Go ahead.”

Hyukjae headed to the center of the room and I turned the music on.  As the intro of the song began playing, I ran to the front and watched as Hyukjae began the routine.

Now that I was watching him more carefully than I had been during practice, I could see that he was very, very good.  Too good, I thought to myself.

Don’t think like that, I frowned, mentally reprimanding myself.  It doesn’t matter how well Hyukjae does.  How does Hyukjae’s performance relate to yours?  Idiot.  Perfection, aim for perfection.  As long as you’re optimistic and you put in enough effort and achieve your highest goals, you’ll succeed.  Don’t compete against Hyukjae.  Compete against yourself.  Perfect practice makes practice perfect.  Perfect practice makes practice perfect.  You just need to concentrate harder.

After Hyukjae had finished, I gave him my feedback and he went over the routine a few more times, slowly.  Then we traded places and I headed to the middle of the room.

Don’t you dare mess up this time.  Don’t even think about the fact that he’s watching.  That doesn’t matter right now.

As soon as the music started up, I forced myself to clear my mind of everything except for me, the mirror, and the music.  I danced harder than I ever had before, paying close attention to every movement I made.

Perfection.  You need to aim for perfection, I said to myself for what seemed like the hundredth time that day.

As I struck my ending pose and music stopped, I finally looked over at Hyukjae, who was shaking his head in disbelief.

“Damn,” he said, his eyes wide.  “That was really good.  Like, really, really good.  You were already pretty good during practice even though you messed up towards the end, but that was… damn…” he repeated.

But it doesn’t matter what you think, or what everyone else thinks, I remembered.  There’s always, always room for improvement.  You can do even better than this, Lee Seoyoon.  I know you can.  You just need to push yourself even harder.

“Thanks, Hyukjae,” I allowed myself another small smile of satisfaction.  “But it can always be improved right?  Any advice?”

Hyukjae’s eyes grew even wider and he scoffed softly.  He was silent for a minute or so.

“To be honest, I don’t really see anything else you need to improve on.  More practice can make a huge difference, and right now, it’s already really good, almost better than the other trainees in our class.  Maybe you have a natural talent for dance or something, I don’t know.  But if you really want more advice, you know that part that goes like this?”  He came forward and demonstrated one of the moves for me.  “I guess you can always exaggerate your movements more.  Not too much, or else it’ll look weird, but you can just…”

I watched Hyukjae carefully as he explained it to me.

See, that wasn’t that hard, was it?  All you need is more practice.  And if you practice more, you’ll be able to debut one day.  Be optimistic and learn to get over your failures.  Lee Sooman’s words echoed in my head.  Those of you who truly want to debut will succeed as long as you believe that you can.