“Unni, can you please go over the steps again?”  Jessica sighed and turned to look at me with wide eyes.  I bit back a sigh of my own and got up, leaving my Chinese vocabulary flashcards on the floor.  I had been trying to catch up on my Chinese, studying more and more often in between practices.  The more well-rounded I was and the more skills I had, the better my chances.  Right?

“Jessica, I thought I just went over it ten minutes ago.  Don’t you remember it?”  Even though I was in a different dance class, I had picked her routine after watching her go through it a few times.

“Yeah, but I just want you to show me one more time so I can be sure that I have it down.  Besides, I think you’re really good at dance, unni.”

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.  Maybe I was good at hip hop and breakdancing, but I wasn’t nearly as good at jazz, the style of dance she was currently learning.  Holding back another sigh, I reluctantly headed over to her.  I didn’t exactly like jazz and contemporary dance and those types of genres, but I figured that by helping Jessica, I could get used to some other styles of dance.

“Okay, fine.  Which part do you want me to go over?”

“The entire thing.”

I made a face.

“The entire thing?  Again?”  I repeated.

“Mhmm.”

“Alright.  Last time, though, okay?  I do have other things to do with my time.”  I was supposed to meet Hyukjae in half an hour.  After watching me work on my own routines for a few weeks, he had requested that I teach him one of them.  And I had no reason to say no.  Hyukjae was my competition as well, but he was different from Jessica in that he was a guy.  I knew for a fact that SM would never form a group that consisted of both guys and girls.  Hyukjae was a threat too, but I didn’t consider him as much of a threat as Jessica was.

But even though Jessica was a threat, I couldn’t bring myself not to try and help her improve.  After all, she was my friend.  Instead of bringing her down, I would make myself even better.  That way, things would turn out well for both of us.

I motioned for her to turn on the music, and I performed the jazz routine for the third time that day.  Come on, Lee Seoyoon.  Don’t think like that.  I know you don’t like jazz, but it’s gonna help you improve.

When I finished with a flourish, Jessica clapped her hands together, bouncing up and down a little bit.  I rolled my eyes at her and made a mock bow.

“Did that help?  So were you doing it right or wrong?”

“I think I’m doing it right, but it still looks a little off.”  She tilted her head to the side.  “Can you help me figure out what’s wrong?"

I nodded and watched as she headed to the front, turned the music back on, and began to perform her routine again.

It was always a little painful, watching Jessica dance.  She had a hard time memorizing the steps, she was usually a little off-rhythm, and she just looked really… awkward.  Her talent lay in singing, not dancing.

She looked up at me expectantly after she had finished and I took a deep breath before beginning.

“Do you know what you’re doing wrong?”

“No, of course not, unni,” she frowned.  “That’s why I’m asking you instead.”

“You’re way too stiff.  I’ve already told you that you need to loosen up.  One of the things that’s preventing you from making this routine a lot more fluent is the fact that you keep tensing up at the wrong moments.  It’s throwing you offbeat.”

“But I still don’t understand how to not be so stiff.  You keep telling me that, but I don’t know how to not tighten up.  Can you explain that to me?”

I tilted my head to the side and folded my arms.  How was I supposed to explain that?  Dance had always come so naturally for me.

“Well, you just… just don’t… don’t be so stiff,” I said weakly, making awkward hand motions in an effort to explain myself more clearly.  Jessica burst into laughter and slapped her thigh as she doubled over.

“That helps, unni!”  She chortled.  “Just don’t be so stiff…”  She cleared and tried to stop giggling.  “But seriously, how do you not be so stiff?”

“Just… don’t overthink it.  Let it come to you on its own and don’t try to force the movements.  Since you’re doing jazz, try to visualize yourself as smoke floating through the air.  Try that and see if that helps.”

Jessica thought for a minute and then nodded.  She began the routine again and I stopped her after about thirty seconds.

“Nope.  You’re still overthinking it.  You’re still trying too hard.”

“But isn’t that what we’re supposed to do?  We’re supposed to try as hard as we can, right?  Trying hard is the only way we can become successful.”

My breath hitched in my throat as I registered her words.  I forced myself not to wince and smiled at her instead.  Don’t be mean, Seoyoon.  That’s not the type of person you are.

“Yeah, but honestly, the only thing you can do right now is just let it happen naturally.  Have you tried warming up more?  Maybe you’re stiff because your joints aren’t warmed up yet.”

“I’ve been practicing for the past hour though,” she protested.  “How am I not warmed up yet?”

I shrugged.  I honestly didn’t know.  Was dance really that much harder for her than it was for me?

“Sorry, that’s all the advice I have,” I said, not knowing what else to say to her.  “Just keep practicing.  I guess if you keep practicing, you’ll eventually get better.  After all, perfect practice makes practice perfect.”  I unconsciously quoted my instructor’s words, the words that had become my mantra as time passed.  “And besides, SM supposedly goes pretty easy during first progress checks.  Progress checks are this Monday, right?” I remembered my first progress check and smiled encouragingly at Jessica, whose face had turned dark with worry. “You’ll be fine, don’t worry about it.”

She still looked a little doubtful but nodded.

“Okay, unni.”

I glanced at the clock on the wall and began to gather up my flashcards.

“Anyways, I’m gonna go practice my own stuff now, okay?  I’ll see you tomorrow, Jessica.”

“Bye unni!”  She ran over to me and squeezed my body tightly.  I let out a small scoff but didn’t say anything.  It was hard not to like someone like her.

“Bye, Jessica.”

After I stepped out the elevator and headed into a different practice room, I saw that Hyukjae was already waiting.

“Hey,” he greeted me.

“Hey.  Should we start now?”

He nodded.

“Whenever you’re ready.”

I inserted the CD I had brought into the music player and spent the next hour teaching him the routine.  It didn’t take him very long to learn it, partially because the majority of it consisted of moves we were already somewhat familiar with.  He was a fast learner.  After he got the routine down, we spent some time going over it and changing up parts that still looked a little awkward.  It was a little strange, choreographing along with Hyukjae because I knew that showing him my routine was already risky.  But I convinced myself that it wouldn’t do any harm because he was actually helping me.  Two heads were better than one, as the generic phrase went, and having another brain to help me think of more creative moves was certainly of use.  Hyukjae had been part of a dance crew before he came to SM, and he had some experience with choreographing.

A few hours later, we had finished revising the entire routine.  Hyukjae had helped me transform it into something more original, something that was comparable to the routines the instructors had shown us in the past.  We began practicing for real, as if we were going through an evaluation or as if we were onstage.  We took turns performing the routine, giving each other advice each time we switched.  Our conversations by then consisted of only a few, brief comments on the other’s performance.

“You’re a bit stiff when you’re doing that body roll.”

“You’re spinning too quickly on your left foot.”

“Remember to angle your body towards the front while you’re doing that move.”

“Maintain your facial expression, even if you’re breathing hard by the end of it.”

I finally remembered to check the clock a little while later.  We had been so intent on practicing that both of us had forgotten to eat dinner.

“Hey, Hyukjae, do you wanna go downstairs now?  If we hurry, there might still be some food left.  We can practice later tonight or wait until tomorrow afternoon.  I think I’m free for a few hours tomorrow afternoon.”

“Oh, I’m busy later tonight and tomorrow afternoon.”  Hyukjae bit his lip.  “You can practice by yourself later on, but can you critique this one last time before we go back down?”

I nodded and sat back down to watch as he started to dance again.  As he danced, I watched him carefully, completely transfixed by his performance.  There was something really beautiful about him when he danced.  He made it all look effortless, graceful even.  The corner of my lip turned up in a small smile.  He always claimed that I was just as good as, if not better than he was, but I always brushed away his compliments.  In my eyes, he was much better than I considered myself to be.  One day, I wanted to be just as good as he was.

Just then, I heard the door open.  Both of us started in surprise as we saw the company representative walk in and close the door behind him.  Hyukjae was about to stop, but the man just motioned for him to continue what he was doing.  Hyukjae fixed his eyes back on the mirror, and I saw a noticeable change in his facial expression as he doubled the amount of effort he was putting into the routine.  I watched the representative watch Hyukjae and my stomach tightened in apprehension.

Oh, no.

When the music finally stopped, Hyukjae stopped dancing and both of us bowed hurriedly to the representative, who was nodding slowly in satisfaction.

“Hey, kid, what’s your name?”  He asked.

“Lee Seoyoon,” I said, just as Hyukjae said “Lee Hyukjae.”

“No, not you.”  My heart sank as the representative shot me a look and turned to Hyukjae.  “You.”

“Uh, my name is Lee Hyukjae,” he repeated.

“And what dance class are you in?”

“Class A, sir.”

“And is this the dance you’re going to be doing for the upcoming evaluation?”

“No, sir.  That dance I just did was something that my friend here and I created in our spare time.  The instructors didn’t teach us that routine.”

“Really?  That’s amazing.”  The representative nodded again, a small smile spreading across his face.  “I must say, you have a real talent for choreographing.  That routine was pretty creative, and it was executed wonderfully as well.”

As the representative continued to shower Hyukjae with compliments, I just stood there, my mouth half-open.  A dull heaviness settled over my chest and I suddenly felt like I was falling through the floor.  I felt cheated.  This was unfair.  This was so unfair.

“But…” I managed to get out at last.  “Sir, I was the one who choreographed most of that routine, not Hyukjae-ssi,” I said in a weak voice.

Hyukjae heard me and our eyes met.  He blinked and nodded his head ever so slightly, as if he could tell what I was feeling right now.

“Sir, Seoyoon-ssi is right.  She was the one who got the idea in the first place, and she contributed the most to the routine.  I only had a small part in it.”

The representative turned to me, a doubtful look in his eyes.  He looked me up and down and I forced myself not to shrink back at his facial expression.

“Oh, my apologies then.  Sorry about that misunderstanding.  Nevertheless Hyukjae-ssi, good job on that small performance there.  Your instructors must be very proud and very honored to have such a talented trainee in their class.”  The representative left the room and closed the door again.  I could feel tears welling up in my eyes as my world came crashing down.

He didn’t believe me.  He barely even noticed me.  All he could do was compliment Hyukjae about how great his performance was.

“Seoyoon?  Are you okay?”  Hyukjae had walked over next to me, but I barely noticed him.

I had never felt so insignificant.  So unimportant.  So invisible.  So… inadequate.  A tear trickled down my cheek and I balled my hands into fists.

“Seoyoon-ah?  Please don’t listen to him.  We both know that you’re just as good as I am, if not better.  It was just pure chance that he walked in when I was dancing, not you.  His opinion doesn’t matter, okay?”

But it does.  He’s a company representative.  His opinion matters because he could be the one deciding our futures.

I bit my lip as hard as I could and looked back at up at Hyukjae, who was looking at me with a concerned look.  My blood began to boil.  I didn’t want to and I knew that it wasn’t right for me to feel what I was feeling right now, but I felt nothing but hatred for Hyukjae.

“I’m fine.  I need to be somewhere else right now.  I’ll see you later,” I said before I could say something that I would regret later on.

“Lee Seoyoon, don’t be like that, just--”  But I had already gathered up my things and walked out the door before Hyukjae could even finish his sentence.

Once outside, I began to shake in anger.  Never in my life had I been this full of rage.  I was so furious that I could kill someone and not care about the consequences.

“No, Lee Seoyoon, you can’t think that way.  Please, just calm down.  Don’t think like that,” I muttered to myself.  “Come on, just think about something else, anything else.”  I took several deep breaths and began to walk towards the elevator.  “Let’s go downstairs and get some food.  It’ll take your mind off things.”

But despite what I told myself, I couldn’t forget what had just happened.  The image of the representative looking at me as if I wasn’t even there filled my vision, and I stopped walking.  I couldn’t even see the hallway in front of me anymore.  All I could see was the representative in his black suit and checkered tie, eyebrows raised, in utter disbelief that I was the one who had actually choreographed the routine.  All I could see was the way he turned back to Hyukjae, as if I wasn’t even there.

“IT’S NOT FAIR!”  I screamed as loudly as I could, my shriek echoing throughout the empty hallway.  “IT’S NOT FAIR!  I WAS THE ONE WHO WORKED MY OFF AND CREATED THAT ROUTINE AND TAUGHT IT TO HYUKJAE!  I WAS THE ONE WHO PRACTICED FOR HOURS ON END!  SO WHY DOES HYUKJAE GET THE CREDIT?!  WHAT AM I TO YOU, SM?!  INVISIBLE?!”

Suddenly, I found myself facing the elevator doors, which were open, revealing a lone trainee who was obviously terrified at my sudden outburst.  It must have been quite a sight to see.  A twelve-year-old girl with a tearstained face and wild eyes, standing in the middle of the hallway and screaming at the air like a complete lunatic.  But I was so angry that I didn’t even bother apologizing.  I spun around, yanked open the door of the nearest practice room, and slammed it closed with such force that I felt the entire room shake.  I marched right up the mirror and glared at myself, dragging my sleeves across my wet face.

“Lee Seoyoon, you’re never going to give up, is that understood?”  I snarled at my reflection.  “You’re going to practice until someone notices you and recognizes your talents.  You’re not going to stop dancing and you’re not going to take a break until your routine is even better than Hyukjae’s is.  You have to be better than him, not as good as him.”

I stormed over to the music player and shoved the CD into the slot so hard that for a second, I was afraid that it had broken.  But as the music began to blast over the speakers, I stormed back over to the middle of the room.

Don’t you dare stop, Lee Seoyoon.  Don’t you dare stop until you’re better than Lee Hyukjae and everyone else in this damn building.