Four years passed, and things changed.

Boa debuted as a solo artist on August, 25, 2000.  A few months later, Yaewon left SM and signed with YG Entertainment.  Haneul never debuted.  She went on to become a vocal instructor at SM, but I never saw her around.  Jiyeong and I left our dorm and moved to a smaller one in the same building.  We shared it with Jessica.

As he had promised, Sungmin did well enough in school that my parents allowed him to enter the SM Youth Best Contest in 2001.  He won the Best Outward Appearance award and entered SM as a trainee.

In 2002, Hyukjae was put into a project R&B group along with Sungmin.  The group disbanded the next year when one of the members went on to debut as a member of SM’s newest boy group, DBSK.

It was November, 2004.  I was well into my first year of high school.  I had drastically improved on dancing, acting, Chinese, and rapping.  My vocals had stayed the same.  But I refused to give up.  After all, some people trained for years and years before debuting.  I was probably one of them, right?  I had to be.  I had waited four years now: I could wait a while longer.  I believed that my time would come eventually.

For the time being, I did whatever I could to do improve even further.  I went to dance showcases, watched singing competitions, pored over dramas, and did everything I could possibly do to try and improve my skills.  I figured I could learn best by observing others and how they did things.  And that was the reason why I was in Incheon right now instead of the practice rooms.  The city’s Chin Chin Song Festival was being held today, and the numerous advertisements about it on TV had piqued my interest.  Listening to other people’s live vocals usually helped me better understand and analyze their singing styles, as well as my own.

I had taken the bus to Incheon earlier that morning.  It was now early afternoon and the competition was due to start at 8:00 P.M.  I had purchased a ticket and although it was way too early, I had wandered backstage just to get a feel of things.  The huge park where the event was being held was empty of people.  The stage and thousands of folding chairs had been set up, but there was no one in sight.  As I walked up and down the center aisle, taking it all in, my fantasies and ambitions began to cloud my mind.

What would it be like to be a kpop idol?  To perform in front of thousands, or even millions of people.  To have your fans cheering you on and chanting your name.  To be in the spotlight, showing off your skills to the entire world.

My feet suddenly urged me forward, all the way up to the front of the stage.  After a quick glance around to make sure no one was there, I climbed the stairs to the top and slowly walked to the middle.  The rows of chairs extended further out than I had originally thought.  So this was what it was like.

My eyes swept over the imaginary audience occupying the seats.  But it wasn’t imaginary anymore.  It was real.

It wasn’t afternoon anymore.  It was nighttime, and the stage was all lit up.  The outline of the audience was dark, but I could pick out individual faces, illuminated by the sapphire blue glowsticks everyone was holding.  The glowsticks moved back and forth in sync,  I smiled.  Sapphire blue was my favorite color.  It was the color of my fandom.

The music came to my head and I began to perform one of my newest routines, putting even more effort than I normally did.  The sapphire blue ocean roiled as the lightsticks waved.  I had done it.  I was the best dancer in SM.  I had debuted at last.  I was a solo artist, just like Boa.

“Lee Seoyoon!  Lee Seoyoon!  Lee Seoyoon!”

The fanchants had begun.  They echoed loudly in my ear, louder than the music that was booming in the background.  I smiled brightly at my fans and danced harder.  I opened my mouth and sang like never before.  I was finally living my dream.  I was an idol.  I was revered and loved by so many other people.  And in that moment, everything was perfect.

And then it was gone.

The stage lights disappeared, the glowsticks and the audience disappeared, the darkness of the night faded and turned to sunlight.

I bit my lip and slowly stopped dancing and singing.  My footsteps slowed and my voice trailed off.  I tried to re-visualize the moment, but I couldn’t.  I must have looked like an idiot, standing there and staring off into the distance with a faraway, wistful look in my eyes.

“Lee Seoyoon, you little--” I sighed heavily and sat back down on the stage floor.  “Stop fantasizing like that.  Yes, it would be amazing to be an idol, but the only way to achieve that is through hard work.  Nothing less will suffice.  You need to obtain perfection, and you’re still not there yet.  You’re far from there, so you need to push yourself even harder, okay?”

“Hello?  Uh, excuse me?”  A voice from behind interrupted my monologue and I jumped in surprise.  I bolted to my feet and nearly tripped over myself as I made a hasty bow in the general direction the voice had come from.  It wasn’t until I lifted my head that I realized that it wasn’t a stagehand, which I had automatically assumed was going to call me out for being here.  It was probably against the rules or something.

A slightly chubby boy stood in front of me, his eyes round.  He looked about sixteen or seventeen, around my age, and he was wearing a hoodie and jeans.  He had a round face and almost doll-like features.  He didn’t look like a stagehand.

“Uh… how long have you been standing here?”  I asked hesitantly. my face instantly turning red.  Had he heard me talking to myself?  Had he seen me dance and sing?

“Oh, I was watching you from backstage when you first came here.  Wait, that probably sounds really creepy, doesn’t it?  Sorry,” he muttered.  “Now that I think about it, that sounded a lot creepier than it should have been.  Anyways, are you performing later tonight?  I don’t think your name and your picture are in the brochures.  Wait a minute, what’s your name again?”

I stood there, flustered.  Well, he had certainly seen me and my pretend performance, but it didn’t seem like he had heard me talk to myself.  That was close.

“My name’s Lee Seoyoon.  I’m not in the competition, but I’m gonna be watching it later tonight.  Are you gonna be performing or anything?”

“Nice to meet you, and I’m Kim Ryeowook.  I’m gonna be singing later on.”

“Oh, that’s cool,” I smiled at him.  “So did you get here early to practice or something?”

He nodded and smiled back.

“Mhmm.  So why are you here so early if you’re not performing later on?”

“I was just… practicing,” I said a bit awkwardly.  Was I supposed to tell him I was an SM trainee?

“Practicing for what?”  He tilted his head to the side curiously.  “Do you just sing and dance in your free time?  Or for fun?”

I nodded and smiled again, thankful that he had given me an excuse I could build on.

“Yeah, pretty much.  I can’t sing and dance that well, but I like practicing whenever I can.”

“Well…” Ryeowook’s voice trailed off and he tilted his head to the other side.  “Your vocals could be better, but that’s just my opinion.  Honestly, your voice wasn’t all too bad, considering you were dancing at the same time.  Maybe vocals aren’t your strong suit, but dance definitely seems like it.  You’re a really, really amazing dancer,” he said, the admiration showing in his eyes and in his voice.

“Really?”  My eyes lit up at his praise, but I forced myself to stop thinking like that before I got too full of myself.  “Thanks, but I’m not actually that good.  I mean, I could be a lot better.”

“Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself,” Ryeowook frowned.  “I honestly think that performance was amazing.”

I spent the next few hours talking to Ryeowook until the stagehands kicked us out because other people were starting to arrive.  The two of us finally parted ways.  He went back to his house-- he lived in Incheon-- to prepare, and I went to a nearby café to eat dinner before the competition started.  We had only met that day, but we were already close friends.  Yet he still didn’t know that I was a trainee.  I reasoned that that information wasn’t too important.

When I came back to the park after a few hours, my eyes grew wide in shock as I realized just how many people were there.  There were thousands of people seated in the chairs and several dozen more standing on the sidelines because there wasn’t enough room.  I gave the security guards my ticket and squeezed into the sidelines just before the competition started.

The MCs went onstage and introduced themselves and talked for a little bit, and then the first contestant went up onstage.  Before she began, a short introductory video played and gave some background information about her: what city she was from, her age, her passions, and other small details.  Then she started to sing, and I began to observe her technique carefully.  As I listened to her sing a soft, melodious ballad, I watched her on the screen behind her, which magnified her face many times.  I watched how her the veins of her neck moved and how her eyes closed when she sang.  When she finished, the audience cheered loudly, waving multicolored glowsticks and balloons madly, creating a colorful ocean of light.  I thought back to my imaginary audience from earlier on that afternoon and sighed.  I would have given anything to be up there.

As the next performances went by, I took careful mental notes.  I checked the time after a while.  It was past 9:00 P.M.  Just as I was beginning to wonder when Ryeowook was supposed to go up, his chubby face appeared on the screen and his introductory video began playing.  And then there was Ryeowook, walking onstage.

I saw him falter slightly as he reached the middle, but otherwise, he looked confident and sure of himself.  Earlier on, I had asked to hear him sing, but he had refused, saying that I would be able to hear him when it was time for him to perform.  The music started playing in the background, and I recognized the beginning of “Slow Walking Kid” by Ko Yoojin.  I leaned forward expectantly and watched as he began to sing.  As his voice came over the loudspeakers, my mouth fell open and I stared in amazement.  I forgot all intentions of paying attention to his vocal technique.

In all the years I had spent at SM, I had never before seen someone with so much vocal talent and so much potential.  His voice was higher pitched than most guys his age, but I could immediately tell that he had more control over his technique than half the trainees back at SM did.  His voice reminded me a bit of wind chimes: high, but not too high, and crystal clear.  It was smooth and fluid and filled with the same emotion and passion I put into my dance routines.  As he sang the chorus for the last time, I found myself gulping back a lump in my throat, still struggling to comprehend how someone could sing so well.

If I could just shake my head, if I just shake my head

Could I meet you again just like before?

I want to be together for just a little more

Do I have to let that girl who walked so slowly go?

When Ryeowook finished singing and bowed to the audience, a thunderous cheer echoed throughout the park.  Balloons and glowsticks waved in a frenzy.  I started clapping in amazement.  I shook my head and grinned, feeling a little jealous, but mostly amazed.  If only he was a trainee like I was.  Just from this single performance alone, I knew that SM would not hesitate to accept him.

I stood through several more performances, but I noted that none of them were as good as Ryeowook’s was.  When everyone finally finished it was 11:00 P.M.  The MCs handed out the awards, and I watched as Ryeowook was awarded second place.

Second place?  I raised my eyebrows.  First place had been given to another girl who had gone a few performances before Ryeowook did.  In my opinion, Ryeowook should have gotten first place.  I shrugged.  Nothing could be done to change things, and Ryeowook was probably proud of himself already.

As the competition came to a close, I stayed behind, waiting for the huge audience to dissipate.  I slowly crept backstage, where the rest of the contestants were.  I spotted Ryeowook after a few moments, but then I stepped back and hid behind a corner as I saw who he was talking to.  It was Minjae.  Being one of the oldest and most experienced trainees when I had first joined SM, Minjae had never gotten to debut.  Instead, he had taken a job with the company and had become a scouting agent.  Suddenly, something clicked in my head.

Ryeowook was getting scouted?  By SM?  To become a trainee?  My mouth dropped open in shock for the second time that day and I peeked out from behind the corner, trying to hear what they were saying.  Unfortunately, Minjae caught my eye just then and beckoned me over.  I tried to duck behind the corner again, but then I heard him call out my name.

“Yah, Lee Seoyoon!  Stop hiding and come over here.”

That was when Ryeowook saw me as well.  I was trapped.  Reluctantly, I stepped out and began walking over to them.

“Lee Seoyoon, what are you doing here?”  Minjae gave me a quizzical look.

I had nothing to say.

“I--”

“Oh well, it doesn’t matter too much, I guess.”  He turned back to Ryeowook, who still looked confused.  “Anyways, if you have any questions about auditions or about SM in general, you can ask her, okay?”:

He nodded with a surprised look on his face, and Minjae dipped his head to him and turned to leave.

“So I’ll see you at the SM building next Saturday, alright?  Email me if you have questions that Seoyoon can’t answer.”

When he was gone, Ryeowook turned back to me, his eyes round.

“Are you an SM trainee?”

I nodded hesitantly.  He wasn’t mad, was he?  He didn’t look like it.  He just looked a bit dazed, probably because of what Minjae had told him.

“Why didn’t you tell me before?  Well, I guess it was pretty obvious.  You’re so good at dance, it’s obvious that you’ve had professional training or something.”

“Ryeowook, I’m not--” I began to protest.  But I decided against it.  “Anyways, so what did Minjae say to you?”

“That I did really well just now and that I have potential and I should audition,” he said nervously.  “He’s gonna tell the company about me and that I should really join.”  He looked at me expectantly, but I wasn’t sure of what to say.

“Well, you’re certainly talented enough to get in.  I don’t know how good you are at dance, but judging from your vocal skills, I’m sure they would take you.  What do you think?  Do you want to join?”

“What do you think?”  He asked.  “What’s it like being a trainee?  Isn’t it really stressful?”

I nodded and thought for a minute before speaking.

“You wake up, train, go to school, train, train, and train some more.  It’s pretty rigorous.  Everything’s a competition and everything’s stressful.  There’s a progress check every month and if the judges don’t think you’re good enough to stay, you get kicked out.  You never know when or if you get to debut.  Being a trainee means nothing because only the best of the best debut.  There’s really no guarantee of anything, and circumstances never improve.  Everything just gets harder and harder as you go.”

Ryeowook swallowed and nodded slowly.

“Well, that’s great,” he muttered.

“But seriously, do you actually want to get into SM?  Do you want to be a vocalist and do you want to debut as one?”

“Well… yeah,” he admitted a little shyly.  “I’ve always loved singing.”

“Then you should join.  I can give you more advice and stuff if you want, I guess.”

“You know a lot about this, don’t you?  That’s actually really cool.”

“Of course I do.  I’ve been a trainee for over four years now,” I couldn’t help smirking.

“But if you’ve been a trainee for so long and you’re already this good, why haven’t you debuted yet?  I heard that most idols debut after only two or three years of training.  So why haven’t you?  You’re seriously really good at dance and even though I haven’t even been to SM yet, I don’t know why they haven’t noticed you yet.  Are you invisible to them or what?”

His words struck something in me and I just stood there, feeling as if the wind had been knocked out of me.

I had never really put much thought into it.  But now that Ryeowook had brought it up, my mind began drifting.

Why wasn’t I able to debut?  My instructors often praised me for my choreography and how I was becoming an accomplished dancer.  They went on about how talented I was and how creative my routines were.  So why hadn’t the company representatives themselves noticed me?  Why hadn’t my instructors told them about me?  Was I still not good enough?

I stood there and thought about how everyone else around me had been given chances.  Hyukjae and Sungmin had nonetheless been part of that project group, although it ended up disbanding.  Jiyeong and Jessica had been offered chances to debut, but they had both turned down the offer, preferring to train for a longer period of time and gain more experience.  There were so many trainees I knew that had been put into project groups.  There were so many trainees I knew that had discussed the prospect of debut with the company.

Yet no one had ever put me into a project group.  No one had ever discussed the prospect of debut with me.

Ryeowook was still waiting for an answer that I didn’t have.

“I…” I said weakly, my spirits dropping vastly in just a few moments.  “I don’t know.”