Scammed By a Cantaloupe

Description

"It's the same pattern every time, I tell you.  To determine just how far he is willing to go, they'll give them a series of tasks to complete, each request more absurd-sounding than the last.  To lure him in, they'll take an object the victim provides and switch it with one they've injected with some sort of vile substance, confirming the existence of the alleged evil spirit.  And that's how it all starts."

Foreword

Jackie here ^^

And... it's another oneshot?  O.o this is something I wrote for a project I'm doing in my mythology class, and it also serves as a late birthday present to my friend Amanda.

*Amanda if you're reading this hi XD I had no idea who to ship Jin with to be honest so I picked a random female idol...

I guess this is also more practice for writing oneshots in the third person.  Depending on the feedback I receive and whether or not I have time, I might decide to write more chapters?  But as of right now, this is all I have.

Please read if you're interested, and comments, subscriptions, and upvotes are highly appreciated as always ^^

 

Graphic Credits:

1eI9q8n.gif

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Comments

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joreenmae #1
Chapter 1: Woooaaahhhh a sequel juseyooooo
Kalione #2
Chapter 1: Wow, this is good! Its a shame its only a one shot!
I totally abohrr the tags "paranormal", "horror" and "supernatural", because honestly?! Just some people recycling the same overused plot again and again!
That's why Your plot is refreshing!
Its obvious that you tried to make a bit dark and with tension, but i don't think you completly managed to achieve this goal though. I think its the way you described the place where the action took place: you only described the way it was without putting the "psychological" factor on it, thus i felt that the characters were a bit disattached from the setting. In most paronormal and horror stories the setting is one of the most crucial elements, and so the feeling of something ominous happening -or about to happen- didn't strike me as much as i wished, though I must say that your story made me crave for your other works! I don't know if you are familiar with prosopopoeia? Its a rethorical device that is used to "bring" life to inanimated objects by giving human qualities to it.
For example:
"Brightly colored glass bottles hung from the ceiling, and tinted fairy lights s their way across the walls. "; instead : "Brightly colored glass bottles hung from the ceiling, and tinted fairy lights s- slyly- their way across the walls. "
Gives a different feeling, right?
Also, you don't need to describe the room as all, since it would make it really boring, but instead you could use the "eyes" of Jin to show the setting by selecting few objects that you feel that would show the mood you want for the story, and instead of describing in a single paragraph, you could also describe gradually as if Jin himself was discovering it.

As for the story strong points:
1) Refreshing plot
2)Consistent writing

Points you need to improve:
1) Tension
2)Characters - They were not bad, but also they weren't remarkable.

Over all i enjoyed and I wanted to say a lot more, but I already reached the word limit (TT.TT)
PainteDreamer #3
Chapter 1: omg i don't know how to feel but dara is as awesome as ever
10/10
omg
omg
o m g it was real good ;u;
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