STRICT Training: Is SOMEONE Watching Over Us? (Edited Ver.)

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~On the Left Side of the Field (Girls')~

"Taeyeonnie-unnie~" Yuri beamed as she saw how Taeyeon set their training area up. Gears for the two. And straw stands for Jiyeon and . "Tae-umma, you did all of this?" Jiyeon asked, Taeyeon just nodded coolly, proud of what her eyes are showing her - Her hard work REALLY DID PAY OFF. "Assa!" She said, taking out her gun from her duffel bag, along with Yuri's. "Unnie~ Target shooting?" Yuri asked, "Well,we'll also have to try out with the sword stuff 'ya know." Taeyeon replied. As she pulled something out of her duffel bag, Yuri beamed at the sight of her precious and favorite gun - HER MOM'S. "Tae-unnie, I don't know how to thank you for-" Before she could cry her eyes out of too much sentiments brought by Taeyeon, the elder girl hugged her tight, "Yul-ah," Taeyeon patted her back and calmed her before she could even start bawling her eyes out, "It's fine. After all, Auntie and Uncle told me watch over you and Jun. The three of us should do our best when we have to. And now, it maybe strange, but I have a feeling that those cyborgs were the one who did those to Auntie and Uncle." She tried keeping her tears from flowing out. (Just imagine, they all use the same guns, but Yuri's mom's gun has a special design on it ^^) , who can't help but tear up as she watched, approached the two as the broke away from their sisterly hug, "Unnies! I promise, I'll not only be fighting for my feathers. I'll be avenging Yuri-unnie's mom and Jun-oppa's dad!" said, while doing the 'fighting~!' sign with her fists. "We'll do it all together!" Jiyeon cheered as the all started to wear MIRAI's Traditional Training Uniforms. "So much for FUN w/o uniforms, eh?" Yuri joked as she tied the hakama's riboon around her slim waist. "Aigooo~ All of us look like those shrine maidens from animes~!" Taeyeon cooed at the sight of her 3 dongsaengs looking stunning even in traditional wear. "So I guess, first lesson would be samurai weaponry and not shooting, eh?" Jiyeon asked, as she pulled her naginata and ribbon from a small vortex she just casted. "This will be fun~" excitedly cheered. "Yeonnie-unnie~" called out, "How do I get those stuff like yours?" She curiously asked, still in awe at Jiyeon's gracious naginata. Then, Jiyeon just can't help but giggle at her adorably innocent dongsaeng. "You don't need to have on as mine. You have a whole realm of swords!" As Jiyeon boomed with one of the Jungs' abilities, the little girl stood in shock. "Me?" She pointed to herself, questioning what her unnie just told her. "Well, after all, Cassandra Cyrynne Jung the First, your most legendary ancestor, charmed the famous Gilgamesh." (Author's Note: For more info, about Gilgamesh -> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Fate/stay_night_characters. Just use 's ancestor in replacement of Saber. ^^) Before Jiyeon could even finish proving whatshe just stated, Donghae appeared out of nowhere and flicked her forehead. "Tsk, tsk. Yeon, you shouldn't tell her stuff that hasn't been relieved by the feathers." Jiyeon winced at the pain, but then shot back at him by saying, "Yah! You're not s'posed to be here OPPA!" She scowled jokingly while placing her hands on her waist. , who saw this, tagged at Jiyeon's kimono sleeve and dragged her away from Donghae. 'Omo! What did I just do?!' She thought, stunned at her sudden action. Donghae had a smirk on his face as he saw 's expression. 'I know that look. She only has that when she's doing something she isn't fully aware of. Tch CUTE~' He thought. "Ah, mian -ie, if I might have disturbed your training. Might as well head back before MAD LEADER JUNHYUNG catches me slacking off." He was about run back to their camp, grabbed his sleeve from behind and went on tiptoed to reach the level of Donghae's ear. "Oppa, don't flirt~" She said in a sweet yet mysterious way, just causing Donghae to grin. "Waeyo? Jealous much?" He teased, while ruffling 's hair. 'S POV: "Y-YAH! MWOYA?!" I exclaimed in defense while getting rid of his hands on my fixed hair. 'AISH~! Why does he have to ask that?!' I narrowed my eyes at him, hoping he'd get guilty for making me flustered at his words, but what did I get?! - A SMIRK. Tch, that's my beloved Lee Donghae, for you. DONGHAE'S POV: I found her alibi cute. 'If she's jealous,she can just grab me away! No need to be shy~' I can't help but smirk as she scolwed at me. 'Even if you s

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Vampirexy192 #1 Dec 9, 2015 06:44:47

Chapter 11: Oh yeah, I know I comment too much on this but I just wanna add, no need to emphasize too much on every word that seems unnecessary like you give in a bold font or capital letter and reduce the 3 period symbol. It just dragging your sentence. Probably it was a habit to put three dots at the end of sentence. xD Maybe, I assumed. It's okay, everyone make a mistake that they unconsciously did. Even me, myself ^_^ But if you still keep it, it's fine. Everyone has their own styles to write. :D

Vampirexy192 #2 Dec 9, 2015 06:39:34

Chapter 11: First of all, I want to say that the colors actually distract me. I don't mind, it was colorful indeed but I would suggest you do not use yellow color because I couldn't see the word clearly. >.> And I preferred if you name the female main character so you wouldn't have to keep it blank in all you story. Also, the thoughts of a person and the person conversation should be distinguished. Like we can tell that it was her thoughts or she was talking. People's point of view is already considered as expressing their inner minds or thoughts. Unless that person voiced out her opinion in her head loudly as if she was talking to herself. That is different. Like you use this for the "conversation" and thoughts, you can use 'this' or in italic words. Oh! Btw in Chapter 11, the protagonist brother had changed from Baro to Jinyoung? o.o What just happened? That actually confused me, I don't know if you had mistakenly written that. Moreover, it was difficult to you know telling their perspectives especially the Lee's brothers. I was rather puzzled because it seems jumbled up to me. Therefore, the flow of the story is a bit disrupted. I'm just giving my comment not because of I hate it, I just want to point out the mistakes so you can improve and become better. :D I hope you don't take any offence from this. However, the plot story was interesting like I can feel European or Victorian kind of style. Classic and vintage. Hahaha. As well as the mystery behind her amnesia and the history of their descendants. :)