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The issue with speaking is that once you do it, people expect you to keep on doing it.
And the expectations are pressurizing, oppressing. They scare me. 
Sometimes, I wish I'd never spoken at all. 
I really shouldn't have.

Just because I am able to do something once doesn't mean I can do it simply, freely, easily. People have to understand that.

I think Jonghyun hyung was a little surprised and upset this morning, when I didn't reply to his 'good morning'. I'd simply bowed, as per usual, and he'd frowned. What, are my silent greetings not worth anything now that I've spoken three words? 
Well, he wasn't to know that those three words had unsettled me so much that I spent the last night wide awake, staring at the ceiling, attempting to hold back tears. 

What happened to not forcing me into doing anything I didn't want to do? 

The rest of the day passes much the same way. I try, once or twice, to open my mouth and speak, but I don't  find it possible. It's too much, far too much. I've  gotten overly used to saving my speech for the cameras, not uttering a sound unless required for my career. To expect me to suddenly speak on command...it isn't something I'll be able to do for a while. 

I can tell hyung is getting even more upset as the day passes, slightly frustrated, somewhat anxious. I know he expects me to speak, he probably can't comprehend my inability to do so. It's not his fault he doesn't understand, but still, I'm a little disappointed because I honestly thought he did. 
I know, though, that it's mostly my fault. And so I try, but try as I might it doesn't work. 

"Kibum-ah, dinner is ready."
I open my eyes, realizing that I'd somewhat dozed off in the middle of my thoughts, and it's time to eat.
I follow Minho into the little dining area, and settle down at my seat.

Conversation is lighthearted and fairly interesting, with the other members talking about their day and me listening to whatever they have to say. Taemin in particular seems particularly animated, I suspect he's high on sugar, or something. 
All goes well, until talk turns to me.

"Kibum, was your day good?" Jinki hyung asks me the same question everyday. As usual, I nod quickly, before returning my gaze to the rice bowl, eager to avoid elaboration. However, today, Jonghyun hyung decides to cut in. "Tell us more about it."

His sentence seems more like an order than anything else, and I