Ever since our conversation over the phone, I could barely concentrate on my work. I couldn’t go past typing a few sentences without thinking about Saturday’s meeting and what that meant. Even during project meetings, my mind would sometimes wander into the plausible future, where Eunji and I were more than friends, and I would smile into oblivion until someone called my name. It was so painfully obvious that I was looking forward to it, that I felt embarrassed. I didn’t dare to message her anymore after that day because I didn’t want to seem too anxious. After excruciating effort, I managed to complete all my projects on Friday as planned, but the sudden abundance of free time triggered an outpour of restlessness. Trying my best to occupy myself so that I wouldn’t end up daydreaming again, I jumped to and fro between watching the TV, organizing my desk, surfing social media and snacking on chips. At about 10 pm, she sent me a text and I wanted to open it immediately but at the same time, I didn’t want to, so I took a little stroll to the kitchen and back.

You remember our meeting at the orphanage tomorrow right?

Running my left thumb across the screen several times, I thought hard about how to respond. I typed a chunk, deleted them all and then retyped. Eventually, I settled for a simple one which didn’t give much away.

Yeah, of course! I’ll be there!

I laid belly up on my bed sending the message and stared blankly at the ceiling with my limbs spread out. My phone was only centimeters away beside me, on the same bed. I was just beginning to notice how badly stained the ceiling was when the phone’s strong vibration (quite literally) sent a shiver down my spine which made my whole body jerk. Still feeling lazy, I rolled over and grabbed the phone, propping myself up on my elbows. Another message arrived in that instant and my eyes widened as my hands grew clammy.

Hehe. You have to come, alright?

Anyway, you’ve been so quiet. How did your projects go?

If it were a phone call, I would have been hopelessly stuttering. I silently gave thanks that it was just a text conversation and prayed that I would appear cooler when we actually met the next day. Biting my bottom lip, I got down to replying her. It’s just a text conversation, Howon. You need to buck up. The perfectionist side of me long couldn’t stand the wimpy side, resulting in a very confused twenty year old.

We managed to get a little conversation going, with neither of us mentioning the details of the anticipated meeting. That night, I had a hard time sleeping even though I tried to empty my mind of thoughts. Ah, so this is what it’s like to be excited for a new relationship? I thought. I could swear that at some point in time, I chuckled to myself, and I probably fell asleep with a silly grin on my face. And at one point in time, I wondered if it was the same for Eunji.

The day finally came around and after a quick wash-up, I texted to ask what time she would be at the orphanage. It was around 30 minutes later at 11 am that she replied, saying she was already there because she had made a promise with Junghwan.

It’s alright, you don’t have to rush! We’re just doing some handicraft before leaving for the playground. We’ll probably be there when you arrive, so you can just head there.

I was already seated on my sofa, all dressed and ready to go. But I simply smiled and agreed to meet them at the playground later. I had a sudden impulse to use the extra time to pick out a gift for Eunji, and then give it to her with a lame excuse like “I just happened to see it on the way and thought it was pretty worth it so –” Feeling exceptionally tickly that day, I laughed at my own ingenuity. I couldn’t pull the grin off my face as I chose her a red spring hat with floral prints (I thought she wasn’t the kind who would like me to splurge on flowers) and even while I was walking towards the playground. Should I put it on first? I contemplated while flipping the hat between my palms. She’d laugh. Just like that, I reached the playground, where my eyes began scanning for Eunji or Junghwan, as if on reflex. I found myself squinting, but still unable to spot either of them. Mrs Hong noticed me, however, and already knew what I was seeking as she approached.

“Junghwan wasn’t feeling well, so Eunji brought him back to the orphanage,” she revealed, pointing out the direction, though I was already familiar with it.

“Oh, I see! Thanks,” I replied with a courteous smile, “Sorry for being inactive these two months. I’ll visit more often from now.” Her expression was amiable as she nodded. “Well then, I’ll go find the two for now. See you later!” I waved and turned to leave, but she caught sight of the hat I was holding and shot me a knowing smile. “You have my blessings,” she said, “Go.” I smiled lightly in response and after giving a quick bow, left for the orphanage with hastened footsteps.

Early Spring 2015

I’ve driven for about 45 minutes and Junghwan is dozing off, his little head nodding every now and then.

“Junghwan-ah,” I gently call, then repeat a little louder, “Junghwan-ah.”

He stirs to consciousness, his eyes still a little foggy from the nap. I gaze fondly at him as he rubs the back of his hands across his eyelids. I can’t help being concerned if what I’m about to reveal is too great for him to handle as yet – he’s still nine years old, after all. But his parents and I have agreed that he ought to know, and personally, I think Junghwan is ready. He’s more mature than other kids. Considering what he went through, I can’t be more proud of how well he has grown up.

At this point, he straightens his back against the seat to get a clear view of the sights ahead. “We’re reaching really soon,” I tell him, and slowly, try to direct him onto the topic. “Is there anything more you remember about that noona?”

Turning to face me with a puzzled expression, he shakes his head no.

“Her name?” I prompt, stealing a glance at him again right after I drive past a traffic light.

He narrows his lips in deep thought, but still returns with the same response. “Is she an important person?” he asks.

Taking the turn into an open-air parking area, I say with a smile that doesn’t reach my eyes, “Very, very.”

“Am I not supposed to have forgotten her?” he continues promptly, the sound of guilt in his voice like burning coal plummeting onto my heart.

Yes – but no. What am I supposed to say to a nine year old boy? It was never his fault and he doesn’t have to feel bad about it. But it’s true… Of all people, he’s the one who should remember her the most, yet he’s also the one who would hurt the most from remembering.

Having to reverse into the parking lot, I look away from him as I reply. “It’s alright; you don’t have to worry about that. I’m sure she doesn’t mind. She just wanted you to live happily.” Turning back to face him, I finish off, “I’m sure it’s the same even now.”

“Wait here,” I tell him as I got off the car first, and then open the door on the other side. I hold his arm to support him as he takes a little jump onto the uneven brick ground.

“You remember the orphanage you grew up in, right?” We walk across the carpark with our hands clasped. There are a couple of cars around and there’s a family at a distance not too far away, but that’s about it. It’s a quiet place. Ideal for thinking, and remembering… And I’m not quite sure if that’s a good thing just yet.

“Yes,” he answers, hopping from one coloured brick to another, “Mum and dad even brought me to visit a few times.”

Following my lead, we keep a steady and slow pace of walking. I need just a little bit more time to break it to him. I don’t want to rush into it.

“Actually, that noona’s name is Eunji, and just like me, she has also been with you since you arrived at the orphanage.” I look at him, and he turns to me in the same moment. His gaze meets mine silently, and through the look in his eyes, I receive an intangible nudge to continue.

Shifting my gaze to the front, I add, “In fact, she dedicated way more effort and time to you than I did.”

Our feet just reach the entrance of the large multi-storey building when he throws the crucial question. “What happened?”

Upon hearing that, I unconsciously halt my steps. Junghwan stops beside me a second later. I can feel him looking up at me and I can feel the mild tremble of my lips. Releasing a soundless sigh, I face him once more and say, “I’m about to get there. Keep following, Junghwan.” With that, I tear my gaze away again and walk towards a stairwell just a few meters away. We don’t speak a word while making our way up, so only the resounding echo of our steps and the clinking of a metallic keychain on Junghwan’s bag remain. I’m not sure if it’s just me being sensitive, but because I’m still holding on to his left hand, I feel Junghwan’s fingers fidgeting in my grip.

I finally push open the door after three flights of stairs, and I hear Junghwan slightly panting. Only then do I realize I forgot to consider his physical capacity on the way up, since I was too busy rephrasing sentences and rehearsing scenarios in my head. “Tired?” I say, pausing to lean against the railings. “Let’s rest here for a minute.”

He nods absent-mindedly, his eyes absorbed by the seemingly endless rows of shelves. His eyes are a little squinted and his brows puckered as he stares at the nearest one, as if trying to figure out what it is.

When I take his hand again and begin to walk along the corridor, I notice a glint of fear in his eyes. I guess he has understood where we are.

“It was a fire,” I tell him, “Four years ago at the orphanage.” Despite the rising tension in the air, we keep walking.

“Everyone was at the playground, but you weren’t feeling well so Eunji brought you back to the orphanage.”

“Mm-hm,” he quietly responds. In a gentle manner, I squeeze his hand before carrying on.

“Nobody really knows what happened, but a fire broke out. It might have started from an electrical fault, they say.” Our footsteps land us at our final destination just as I finish the last syllable. Here we are, right in front of the concrete tablet where the memory of Eunji resides. “Eunji saved you,” I muster up a smile as I turn to face Junghwan. “And I’m really glad you made it through. Really.”

Mid Spring 2011

It was from the fork road about 200 meters away that I first saw tufts of grey smoke emerging from the windows of the orphanage. The next thing I noticed was Junghwan standing by the side window, tip-toeing and craning his neck to look inside the building. That was when I started dashing towards the place, uneasiness piling up in my heart with every passing moment.

Junghwan’s lips were drained of colour and he still looked unwell. He was crying so badly he could barely speak, but he kept pointing to the window, repeatedly exclaiming, “Noona! Eunji noona!” Looking inside through the opened window, all I could see were raging flames, engulfing everything in their vicinity. I dropped the spring hat I was holding and sprinted to the front door. Once I pushed it open, out rolled clouds of thick smog, choking me and Junghwan, who came running behind. I took off my outer wear and fanned the smoke till it was bearable enough to pass through. Searching frantically for Eunji, my eyes darted about so quickly I almost missed her still, rolled up figure under the desk. It was about a meter behind the barrier of flames which stood in front of me.

“Junghwan!” I called out at the top of my voice, but then turned and saw that he was already standing by the door. He took a step towards me and I stopped him. I ran over and passed him my phone, urging him to call the fire engine and ambulance immediately. “You know the numbers, right?” I asked. He nodded vigorously and I swerved back, but he cried out after me, “Hyung!” I returned my attention to him at once.

“It’s really, really hot in there,” he said earnestly, his voice a little sore from crying, and his eyes still heavy with tears.

“I’ll be careful,” I assured him quickly and rushed back into the building. With one forceful wave of the jacket to direct the flames away, I closed my eyes and jumped across the fire. The skin up till my knee got scalded on the surface but I didn’t feel the pain then. I scampered to where Eunji was and carried her in my arms as swiftly as I could. I halted to a stop in front of the wall of flames again. It has since gotten a little higher, and I didn’t have my jacket anymore (it was thrown after the wave as it, too, caught fire). I scanned the surroundings and realized that the fire came from the kitchen, so there was no way I could get water from there to put out the flames. The paths to the washrooms were also blocked, so I had little choice left. If I didn’t leave the building in a minute or so, I might pass out from the overwhelming fumes as well.

I switched from cradling Eunji in my arms to holding her head securely against mine with one hand and supporting her bottom with my other hand. I tried my best to hold her in a way that would minimize her getting hurt before taking my next move. I looked out for the region where the flames were the least high and after taking a deep breath, I took another leap across. With a hard thud forward and a roll to the left, we landed near the orphanage entrance, with the addition of a few more grazes and burns.

Still carrying Eunji, I hurried outside to evade the smoke, and rejoined Junghwan who was anxiously waiting for us. He was hugging his knees and his orbs were still moist. Apart from taking a quick look at Junghwan, the first thing I did was to check on Eunji. She showed no signs of consciousness no matter how hard I called or shook her, and I didn’t dare to check her vital signs. My heart was already clenching in fear and distress. I asked Junghwan how long the people said the ambulance would take. Just as he was about to answer, the sirens began ringing into our ears. After gently placing Eunji down on the ground, I scrambled to stand on my feet and saw the ambulance pulling into the small road. I looked back at Eunji, some parts of her skin severely burnt, and then at the nurses coming out of the ambulance with a stretcher. At that point, I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer. Both Junghwan and I followed into the ambulance, our weeping hard yet muted. My throat couldn’t choke out a sound and I felt my chest tighten like air was being emptied from my lungs. If just the thought of losing her hurts so much, I cannot imagine how it’d be like to actually lose her.

It was not until we reached the hospital and Eunji was pushed into the operating theatre that I noticed Junghwan’s hands were tightly gripping onto what resembled a small card. It was a little charred on one side, and extremely creased from Junghwan’s grip.

My voice still shaky from the whole ordeal, I asked, “What’s… this?” His wide-eyed expression revealed that he himself had forgotten about what he was holding. He looked down at the card and hastily straightened it with his palms. It was made with purple paper (she remembered my favourite colour) and adorned with heart and flower styrofoam cut-outs. On the left was a stick drawing of a couple that was probably drawn by Junghwan, and written in his handwriting on the right were enormous letters which made up “congratulations” (with a spelling mistake that was corrected, a little messily).

“I told noona I wanted to help her decorate the card for you,” Junghwan said in a choked voice, agony pulling his brows into visible creases, “so we did it before going to the playground.”

The inside of the card was filled with Eunji’s neat handwriting.

Dear Howon,

Hahaha, it’s a little awkward addressing you like this, but isn’t this how all letters should start? First of all, I’m really sorry for this very very belated answer… It’s been what? 5 years? Yeah… I’m truly sorry T.T

Just so that you can have it in black and white, here’s my reply to you. I can’t thank you more for being so patient and waiting for me all these years. You are really the best.

I am proud to say that I am now ready to accept your heart. Today, April 20^th 2011, Jung Eunji officially accepts Lee Howon’s proposal. It’s not going to be perfect, but let’s start walking on a new journey together, Howon :-)

Hmm, I guess this should be enough. Well, tell me if you want to add more rules or something.

With love and a sincere heart,

Jung Eunji

The months after her departure felt impossible to pull through. Junghwan, who witnessed the whole incident, fell quiet for days and refused to eat or face anyone. I went to visit but I couldn’t say anything to him. I had no words, especially when I myself was still struggling with coming to terms. He explained the whole incident to me back then at the hospital, after I saw the card.

After feeding him medicine, Eunji went to the washroom to prepare a wet towel. While she was at the washroom, Junghwan heard a loud explosion from the kitchen but he was feeling weak so he didn’t get up to see what happened. And then he fell asleep until Eunji woke him up, and they were already surrounded by flames. The only unhindered way out was through the side window where I found him. It was locked so Eunji went to find the master key from the principal’s office and she got back in time, but a burning shelf fell between them just as she was about to take another step towards the window. Unable to cross over, she threw the keys to Junghwan and asked him to hurry outside and find help. He got out safely, but instinctively, he tried to look back into the window to check on her. He couldn’t reach very well, so he just decided to run over to the playground when I arrived.

Being so close to her and so personally involved, it was no wonder he took a strong blow. After his withdrawal for a few days, he bounced back, appearing perfectly normal – except for the fact that all his memories of Eunji were erased. Thinking it was better for him that way, everyone at the orphanage deliberately kept the truth from him. Just months later, he was adopted into his current foster family, and that further helped to keep him away from the devastation.

As for me, I couldn’t erase my memories. It isn’t something you can choose to do. But to tell the truth, maybe I really didn’t want to. Even if it hurt so intensely, I’d rather suffer than to erase her from my life. I knew I wouldn’t be the same without her. So instead, I hid these feelings inside my heart, not showing my pathetic state to the outside world. The only person I didn’t hide from was Soojung, because she was also badly hit by Eunji’s passing, and because she could, somehow or another, read me like an open book.

At the very start, I had to return to the hospital to treat my burns so I couldn’t hide from the indelible traces of her. Every time I stepped into the hospital, I was reminded of when Junghwan and I were there together, when Eunji was in the operating theatre, and when the doctor broke the news to us. It was even difficult for me to keep visiting Junghwan because he’d undoubtedly remind me of Eunji, regardless that he’d entirely forgotten her (which made it worse, because I could only keep it to myself). I could feel the sorrow eroding my heart as I wasted away day after day. Although I tried to keep my composure in front of others, once I reached my house and had my own space, I was as dead as a zombie. I had absolutely no appetite, and nothing interested me. All I wanted was for Eunji to be back. I knew I was chasing after impossibility, but I just couldn’t snap out of it.

Until Soojung showed up without a warning on my doorstep that one day, and once I opened the gate, literally slapped me hard across the face. She began lashing out at me about how I was just making everyone worry and how Eunji wouldn’t be proud of the me then. She ended up with tears streaming down her face as she collapsed onto my couch.

“Do you think any of us are having it good now? I’m hurting as hell too,” she exclaimed, “Just – talk to us… Don’t put on that phony smile you’ve mastered so well… Don’t – hide somewhere I can’t reach you.”

I grew flustered at the turn of events, at a loss on what to do. “Soojung…” Her name escaped from my lips as I approached her. “I’m sorry.”

Biting my bottom lip hard, I could feel hot tears pouring out from my own eyes. I lifted my head up for a few moments and then directed my gaze onto the ground. “I – couldn’t help it. I’m sorry.”

She closed the gap between us, threw her arms around me, and then leaned onto my shoulder. “I miss Eunji so much!” she wailed loudly. Before I knew it, I found myself choking on tears, immersing in grief with her. I felt a little sorry that even in that moment, I was reminded of Eunji sobbing into my chest many years ago. I still yearned for her.

Yet, it’s because of Soojung that I was able to pull through to today and stand before Junghwan. If it weren’t for her, frankly, I might have given in to my anguish and attempted something foolish. Before she moved to another city several years ago, Shinyoung patiently stood by us, too.

Sometimes when I’m trying to console myself, I think about how it is actually a good thing that Eunji went in that way, that she died while saving Junghwan – that it was for a worthy cause and not something meaningless like a car accident. But even in those times, I end up in desolation, concluding that regardless, I’d still prefer her to be here with me, alive. People, like artwork, are always more appreciated after their demise. She might have left behind valuable lessons for some, and featured as the heroine in a news story, but personally, I didn’t care that much about whether she was recognized – I’d rather be the only person who appreciates her, than to have her gone and lauded by the world. It’s selfish of me, but till this day, that thought still crosses my mind.

But I can’t deny that I’m also one of those who learnt a great deal from her. I’m still a work in progress, but I could never be this selfless without her. I would never have given up my revision time to bring food to the poor, or sacrificed my recreational time to help out at the orphanage. I wouldn’t be able to give monthly donations to the charity, or show compassion to ex-convicts. Despite everything I’ve learnt from Eunji, there was one important thing she never taught me – how to let her go.