2009 | South Korea

"Tae, are you happy?" Tiffany asked over our peaceful night together. I snorted. When all your hard works and hardships, those you shared with people you cherished most, pay off. Of course, you will be happy.

"I am, so much." She shifted and looked back to me. "Me too. I'm sure all of us too." We shared a contented smiles. "After everything that happened these past two years, especially last year. I thought that's it. That's the end. My dream's end, my end. It's over." Tiffany continue. When our eyes met for the second time tonight, I already knew where this talk will bring us.

She snuggled back on above my chest, wrapping her arm around my waist. "But even how many times I told myself, I'm ready for it, in the end I knew pretty well I'm not, like I will never be. So when everything seems became too much, I don't know what do to anymore. It feared me, those hates, failures, it all feared me." A pull on my body.

"And I feel ashamed on myself, when I can't do anything to stop everything. Or even just to help. It when you know half of what's happening is because of you. That whether I don't meant it, still it's because of me. Part of it, is from me. And I can't even make it right. Because I'm stupid, careless and dumb." I rub her back, comforting.

"You know that's not true." I told her, she shook her head. It really feels different when you're talking about something that already happened, things already done. Things happened on the past. There's no time that feels better than this, the present, and how easy to talked it out, the past.

"Besides, it doesn't matter now." A positive outlook. "It still does." She disagrees. "Even it is, like you said, we cannot do anything about it. All we need to do is to accept, learn from it and move on." A nod.

"But, didn't you really think of it? Back then?" I wonder why she's asking too much tonight. "About what?" Her hand found mine. "About our dream, ending." I breathe and smiled, even she didn't see it. "Honestly, no." She intertwined our fingers. "I always knew, you don't." She mumbled.

"But until now, I wonder why." It's not a question. So I don't need to answer right? But I know, she wants it to hear. I want the same too.

"Maybe because I knew, it won't. Even how hard things for us back then, I knew that's not yet over. Not yet the time. Even everything seems to fall the wrong way, I still knew that's not the end. Until now, I know there's no end. I believe there's no end for us, for this dream, for our group or for me. I always have faith we can do it, that we can make it." I bring our hands closed to my lips. And kissed the back of her hand. Our eyes met, again.

"That there's no end for someone who believes she can make it. When you make yourself believe on something, whatever it is, however big it is or even how impossible it may seems, when there's faith, it's always possible. Just trust yourself that you can do it. And when you started to believe you can, you can make it, anything and everything. So that's why. I never think of endings, not even for once. Simply because I believe and trust myself. Like I do, to each of you. Like I do to you." Her gaze, started to make me dizzy.

"But does everything needs to have its ending? Even how big or small it is? How long or short it takes? Even after all the effort you made, or faith and trust you gave? Even how hard it is, it's still needs to have one. Whether it's a happy ending or a sad one. Is that what life is? Everything happens for a reason, like how to every beginning is just a start for its every ending?" Her words leave me thinking. 

"Why you have many things to say and ask tonight?" I chuckled. "Because there's a lot of things I wanted for you to know and for you to say." I sighed. "I hate the word end, and anything that relates to that. So I don't know what to say, really." Its her turn to chuckle.

"But you can never hate that word forever. Sooner or later there's always things related to that. It can happen to anyone, it will happen to each of us. To everyone. Or for things we have and want. So why not think of it now, prepare ourselves so when the right time comes, we're ready." She gave me that kind of look that pained my insides.

"Are you breaking up with me?" I sat up and bring her in my arms. "What? Of course not!" She said in surprised. I sighed in relief. "You scared me there for a moment." I hug her tight. I feel the same fear she have now. The fear of losing someone. In the verge of losing your love one. Or just for losing something. I pulled back.

"See? That's why I hate that word. Why I need to meet you, know you and love you. When in the end I will still not have you. What's the purpose of going through all of this when in the end we will still not have each other? That's unfair right? Like how unfair it might be, when all of it, our dreams and this group, ends. When all of this, is over.  Even after all the efforts, hardships and hard works we gave, why it still needs to end? I don't get it. I will never understand that." Her hands cupped my face.

"That's what life is, Taetae. There's always one person, with their own designated starts and endings." I closed my eyes, letting her warmth comfort me.

"Then there's another word I hate. Life." I felt a soft touch on my lips. 

"Don't hate it. Those two of three words I love the most." I open my eyes and for the fifth time met her gaze. "What's the last one?" I asked, curious.

"You." My eyes watered.

"I always love endings because it means a new beginning. Like how I love life, because it gave me chance to meet different people that I learn to love and cherished, people who learn to love me and cherished me back. When my life in California ends, it gave me you. And you are, who I learned to love the most." My tears finally fell. My heart felt warmed.

"What words you hate then?" I asked between my tears.

"The new beginning and how it starts. It's always seems easy to left everything behind and choose to start over again. But for me that's the hardest. It always feared me on what's there waiting for me. What's new is meant for me. But I'm glad I always have you with me. You're the hardest beginning I ever encountered, the hardest part of my life I ever experienced, but also the most important and special start I ever have and I intend to make it that way. Just to let you stay like that in my life. To make you, the start of my every beginning."

For the sixth time our eyes met, even for this time there's tears that blocking our view. We can still see each other eyes clearly. I can still see her hearts through her eyes clearly. And I hope she sees mine too.

"I'll only stick on hating endings, then. I love the word life back again. It gave me you. You're my life, since the day I met you. I will left it like that too, for a long time. You will be my life as long as I'm your beginning. We will be each other's life and beginnings." She smiled.

"Then why don't we make each other's our endings too? So there's no left to hate." I used my thumbs to wipe her tears.

"I'll agreed only, if it says a happy ending." She smiled.

"Then let's believe, give faith and trust to make it a happy ending." I smiled back too.

"Fine. We will have a happy ending. The two of us for a happy ending!" I said, full of determination.

"Kim Taeyeon and Tiffany Hwang for a happy ending." We both laughed.

"Can we just say happy? I really hate the word ending."

"Nope. That's what it should be. Or if you want let's choose the sad part?" I snorted.

"No thanks. Let's just stick forever with the happy ending. Even how I hate that last word." I scrunched my nose.

"But I'm sure you will never hate the next three words I will say." Her eyes smiled together with her lips.

"I love you." Fine let's deal with endings then. As long as I got these same set of words in the end, I'm okay with it.

"I love you more."

***

“Unnie.” I jolted up and adjusted to the darkness around. A tomboyish smile welcomed me. “Oh, Yoong. What time is it?” I asked groggily. “A little past two. You shouldn’t wait up for me Unnie. I know you’re tired too.” She pouted. “Ani, it’s okay. Let me heat up your food.” I stand up. A hand warmly hold mine. “Thank you Tae Unnie.” I nodded. Welcome.

“Do we have an early schedule later Unnie?” She asked. I watched her eat. She seems hungry which is not new. I smile sadly to her. “We do.” She nodded and resume eating. Of all of us, Yoona is always the one who’s always busy. I don’t know how she managed to keep up with everything. And to think that she still needs to go to school. I feel bad for her. “You’re getting skinny.” Eat more. “Unnie, I don’t get fat either.” She grins.

“You should take a rest.” I told her. “Later Unnie, after I eat.” I chuckled. “I should talk to Oppa about your schedule. Right?” I asked. Do I really need to ask for permission? Of course not. You’re the leader, remember? “Unnie, it’s okay. Besides I love working.” She smiled. “I know your worried Unnie. But I’m fine.” She said, assuring.  Worried? Did I say I am? When she stands up and gave me a hug, I realize, maybe I did.

“Fine. Just tell me, or anyone of your Unnies, if you having a hard time okay?” She nodded. “Now, go to sleep. I’ll take care of this.” I pointed on the plates. She shyly nodded. “Thank you Unnie.”

“I already set your alarm. Good night Yoong.” She turn back and gave me that same smile of hers.

“Thank you so much Unnie! Good mornight.” I smiled, when she enter our shared room with Sooyoung, I let out a big sigh. “I wonder how she still have a big appetite at this hour.” I chuckled. When I’m done with all the dishes I returned to our room to check.

As usual, Sooyoung already occupied the next bed next to her, which unfortunately belongs to me. I shook my head. Yoona is already sleeping. She looks tired but always seems cheerful no matter what. Like someone we both know. They both beautiful too. I smiled on my own thoughts. I fix Yoona’s blanket and picked up Soo’s pillows on the floor. When I’d make sure that they both in deep slumber I went out the room again. To go at the far end of our dorm.

As I enter another room I still have that smile on my face earlier. The light coming from the outside give light to a warm room. A lovely face sleeping, caught my sight. I quietly closed the door and joined her on the bed. She stir and mumbled. “Night Taetae.”

“Good night Miyoung-ah.” A soft peck on her forehead.

As I closed my eyes, I’m not aware anymore of a set of eyes watching us, and the same smile I just got earlier.

The door closed as quietly as I did before.

“Sweet dreams Unnies.” Another tomboyish smile.

***

"Don't you miss home?" Sometimes I wonder what's really going on inside my girlfriend's mind. What more she thinks aside from the thoughts I see in her. What more she worries aside from those shown clearly on her eyes. Or are there more things I didn't answered well that's why she keeps on asking.

"Of course." A soft breathing. "How about you? I'm sure you miss your home more." She started to draws circles on my palm. It tickles, I want to tell her it does. But I didn't and just let her. When there's a lot of things coming on her mind, she tends to do things she doesn't aware of. Like her mind suddenly wonders off.

"Even I say I did, nothing will change. They're still far from me and I'm still here farther from them." Before, I'm just contented on understanding her through the emotions she shows, actions she made, or little words she said. I came to understand her by just paying attention carefully, getting the thoughts and messages she want to convey through her eyes. That sometimes or most of the times, we don't need words anymore. We just need to be with each other, and from there we came this far, on knowing each other.

Every sighs she made, crazy as it may sound. I know the meaning. For every smile and laugh she did, I know every reason behind it. So when she starts to speak words that came well together with my ears and understands clearly by my brain, I feel like there's nothing that change for real. It's like, well, hearing her thoughts out loud straight from her own mouth, not anymore from the voice inside my mind and heart that for the past years has been her personal translator. And, she's still loud.

I made a soft laugh. Her fingers stopped from drawing that infinity circle, she looked up. "Sorry." I apologized, even I don't know why.

"It's okay. I know it's funny. When I'm the one who stubbornly wanted this life, and now that I experienced what kind of life I choose, I suddenly missed them. Missed my old life, when all those time since I came in this country, I never once felt this longing." That's a big word. Longing.

It's like, saying you miss someone but still not enough, that you should use a more bigger words with bigger meanings, deeper thoughts and great impact, just to state what you mean. And for someone like me to understand. She miss home, no, longing to be homed. 

"What you miss back there?" I asked, but my mind is already on that placed, Tiffany once called her home. Imagining, no, seeing that person who once named Stephanie. A normal teenager, with a big dream ahead of her. Patiently waiting.

"Hmm. I miss the sun and the beach. How beautiful California's sunset is." I closed my eyes, hearing sounds of the waves and watching a pretty tan-girl sitting on the sand looking up the sky. 

"My childhood friends, my playmates, my classmates, and my friends. My old school." A bubbly and cute Stephanie playing on the beach with her friends. A still Californian student who's paying attention on whatever her teacher is saying. A normal teenager hanging out with peers with the same age, with same wants, hopes and aspirations.

"Daddy, Leo and Michelle." There's no need for me to close my eyes to imagine that. I already saw a glimpse of my girlfriend being a daughter and younger sister to her family. I already saw her as a family. 

When a long moment of silence followed. I already knew what to do. Continue the words she refused to say. Not because she doesn't want to, but simple because it's very hard that she can't even voice it out.

"You miss her too right? You miss your Mom, so much." When my upper left shirt started to moist. I know I asked her the right question, even gave her the perfect answer. Even the answer came from me, not from her.

I don't know what's so hard on saying you miss home, simple and quick like that. Rather than asking other people first. When in the end you're expecting to get back the same question too. Why not answered it yourself right away, less hassle. Less drama.

Do I miss home too love? 

But then I know I will go through the same way. 

I just give Tiffany a warm, tight, and long hug. When it comes on missing home, missing our family. We left with no choice, aside from comforting each other. Not with words but with our soft touch. Always like that.

And just like that. We don't miss them anymore.

***

“Are you okay?” I turn on my right and frown. “Yeah, why?” I asked. She shrugged her shoulder. “Nothing. You keep staring on those kids for a long time now.” I frowned again. Did I? I turn back on my left again. We stuck on the traffic and maybe I wonder off from my thoughts and landed my sight on those two kids at the side of the street. A smiled from on my lips.

“You remember yourself with them, don’t you?” Yuri asked again. “Yeah.” They sure are classmates, they have the same uniform or maybe not, maybe school ends early and they sneak out to buy ice cream. I chuckled. Like someone I knew.

“I thought so. You have the same height with them.” She chuckled. I shoved her. “And to think that those kids are just in elementary.” She laughed. I elbow her this time. “Yah!” She shouted.

“You two! Cut it out, we’re trying to catch our sleep here!” Jessica shouted. I mumbled an apology. Tiffany, who's on our front, raise an eyebrow to me. “Nothing.” I mouthed.

Finally our car moved. I take a quick glance to the kids again. Who’s done eating ice cream, and now walking hand in hand while laughing. Another smile drawn on my lips. Like two people I knew.

Yuri is right. I remember myself with them. My childhood, and her. We were like those kids.

Before.

***

“How’s Oppa doing?” I ignored the question and continue on preparing our lunch. “I thought you’re already in a good terms with him?” Another one. I snickered. “We are, aren’t we? Can you help me with the plates?” Sunny nodded.

“Then why you’re acting like this?” I check for any fruits that available and started to either cut or peel them. “I don’t know what you’re talking about Soonkyu. And it’s not like I can help with Oppa’s problem.” I rinse a big bowl.

Is this why I don’t want anyone of my me