June 19, 2014 | Osaka, Japan

“We are Girls and Peace~”

“Let’s take a break! Girls, I need every one of you right now. Backstage room.” One of our Manager suddenly announced.

“But Oppa we’re not done with rehearsals yet.” Hyoyeon coming from the end of the stage said.

“You can continue with this later. This is important. Now move!” I heard a groan of disapproval. It’s not every time these things happen. We all hate when our rehearsals are interrupted. I knew that well. But I knew well too what Oppa wants right now. I know that tone his using. Authority.

A lump form inside my throat. I sweat form in my forehead, not from the dancing nor singing. A cold sweat, along with fear and nervousness. Oppa shots a last meaningful look at me before he turned his back from us. My right hand’s hold on the microphone loosen. It fell loudly on the floor with a deafening ‘thud’ that echoed in the stadium.

“Omo!” Sunny who’s next to me jump.

“What was that Taeng? You scared the hell out of me!” Yuri’s playful remark and quickly turn to face me. But her face of surprised turns into worrisome. “Are you okay Unnie?” Juhyun walked towards me and picked up my microphone on the ground. My whole body is trembling. My hands are shaking.

“Taetae what’s wrong?” Tiffany asked, her soft hands hold my arm. “I’m so sorry.” The only words I muttered before I pull my heavy feet away from them. Run Taeyeon, run.

“Tae! Wait!”

But, I don’t want to stop.

***

“Where’s your great ‘Kid Leader’?” I stop on my feet. I bit my lower lip and breathe.

“I’m here Oppa.” I enter the room and sit in an empty chair next to my members. “Where did you go? You make us worried.” Tiffany quickly approached me.

“Oh my gosh! Is this true Taeyeon-ah?” My words for Tiffany cut off, when Yuri’s voice echoed. We all turn our heads to her. Her face contour with shocked, confusion and another level of worrisome. I closed my eyes and look down. Her phone screen says it all. Silence came next. Yuri’s phone passed from different trembling hands. Soft mumbling of words reached my ears.

“What the… what is this Tae? Is this true?” Stop asking me questions, Tiffany.

“Yes, unfortunately, this is true.” Oppa’s voice answered.

“What?!” Tiffany’s loud voice.

“It can’t be.” Hyoyeon mumbled.

“How come? We don’t know anything regarding this?!” Sooyoung muttered.

“Exactly! We don’t know anything to do with this, at all.” Our Manager added.

“Unnie. Is this true?” Yoona’s shaking voice forced me to open my teary eyes.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I broke down with uncontrollable sobs.

“Why you didn’t told us? Why Taeng?” Yuri asked.

“I’m s-sorry.”

“I, with the rest of your Managers, trusted you the most Taeyeon. As the leader, we trust you to be the most responsible. The one who will set examples on your member. We didn’t forced you to tell us everything regarding your life. But things like this, shouldn’t left unspoken towards us, and by the reactions of everyone. You also hide this from them. Why?”

“You don’t have any idea, how shocked I am when I received a call from the Management regarding this issue. From the tone of his voice, he seems to know it better than us, your own Managers. He didn’t even asked for my clarifications, or even words from you. He just called to inform that SM already released an official statement, confirming this news. Confirming, without hearing our sides, so I guess you took this matter to them, first hand, don’t you?”

“I’m sorry Oppa. I’m really sorry.”

“What’s happening Taeyeon-ah. Is this relationship true as they say it is? Is it some kind of media play from them? Is this a cover up? Did they forced you to do this? Four months is too long to hide this things from everyone. Tell me? What is this?” Oppa’s desperate tone.

“I’m sorry.”

“ Taeyeon! Stop saying sorry! Tell us what’s happening! Don’t you think we don’t have any rights to know the truth? We all have the ing right in the world to know the ing truth first!” Jessica’s loud voice, tear me up more.

“Unnie.” A soft voice coming from Maknae silent her.

“Just tell us Taeyeon. Is this true?” Hyoyeon breaks another silence.

“Yes.” I don’t know if they hear it. I don’t even know if I said that word loudly, clearly. But another silence came, and I’m sure, they did heard it.

“I don’t know what to say anymore. Talk this matter with your member first, Taeyeon. You have an hour to do. We will have our own talk later, after the concert.” Manager Oppa said and leave us, alone.

“And you just hide this to us, all this time? How dare you!” Tiffany’s voice echoed inside the whole room. I’m sure Oppa heard it too before he locked the door.

“I’m going to tell you. I am, but I don’t know how to. I’m really sorry girls.” Finally I’m able to swallow the lump on my throat. But my voice is still shaking.

“I just can’t understand a thing right now. So this is true right? Then what’s with you saying sorry? We’re not angry that you’re dating him. Like whoever you did in the past. But no need to hide this from us. Like, you can’t trust us.” Yuri exclaimed.

“I know and it’s not like that, I swear.” I try to look at everyone’s eyes.

“Then why you’re acting like this? Why I feel like there’s more with how you say sorry. As if you done something bigger than dating behind are back. Or you really do, didn’t you?” Jessica with a calm tone asked.

“I… Can we not talk about this right now? Please?” I feel like my chest is getting heavier for every second that passed by.

“I think Taeyeon Unnie is right.” Maknae finally interfere.

“Fine!” Tiffany stand up and leave the room. I looked down wiping my tears. My members, one by one, silently followed her. Until Sunny and I left.

“I told you Taeyeon. Look what just happened. And to think of it, I still don’t understand why you asked me to keep this from them. When all this time, you’re always eager on letting us meet every man you’re going out with. What’s the difference this time? Is it because he’s younger than us? But you know we’re not like that, who judge you or your choices. We will accept whoever he is, as long as you’re happy. But from the looks of it. You’re not, and to think back again. You never was.” She said and leave me too, alone. Again.

“You’re wrong. I’m happy. I always am, but not with all those men I dated before. Not with him either. But with her. Always with her.” I cry silently. It hurts again. Not to be able to share the pain that keeps stabbing inside my heart.

***

I sense the cold atmosphere not only inside the stadium. Not only from the cold eyes of our audiences, our so called fans. But also from the cold stares of my members. I try my best to perform, give my best. Show everyone who believe that watching us perform is worth a chance. Spending money, just to see us. Waste their time, to have fun. Get tired from showing their support to us, just to make us fulfilled. A lot of fans still cheered my name, but not enough like I used to have. But I still try to smile, appreciate every scream of joy I receive. Still feel blessed, that there’s still people who supports me. Who still love me.

I’m so fortunate still, to be in this country tonight, not where I shall supposed to. This day when I should be there in my most love country. The place I grew up to, the very same place I draw my dream and work hard to achieve. I supposed to be there now, facing and accepting all the hate they throwing at me. But no, I’m here instead. With this people, that I’m sure not all understand my native language but still choose to support me, us.

***

I was trending in different sites since the news broke out. I quickly checked my phone to confirm it. Indeed another fear I feared most is already becoming reality. There, I’m already the talk of the town, a new gossip for people to share. Another way for haters to celebrate. I kind of expected the anger outburst of his fans, but I didn’t expect the anger I receive from my own fans. From our dear fans, our very own sone. I know they will be upset, like how they are when my other members dating news came out.

I’m sure they will be shocked more than when they knew about Yoona’s. Madder than me as when they confirmed that Sooyoung decided to lie from the first news of her relationship revealed. Cannot believe everything most than how they’d felt when they found out the police report of Hyoyeon made by her on-and-off boyfriend. And I’m sure too, they will bash me more than they did with Tiffany and her long-rumored boyfriend. But to see all the hurtful and hateful comments on my timeline make it worse than I can ever think of. I was surprised, shocked and frightened but the feelings that weight more is hurt.

I want to cry at that very moment. I feel like my heart will explode any minute, but before I can ever do all of that. Our manager called and inform us the start of our concert. So here I am, smiling, dancing and singing, like a robot. Like someone who programmed to do everything someone higher asked them to. I cannot cry now, not with all the eyes that watching every move I make. I should not feel any pain right now, we are paid to perform, as all of the fans here, pay for us. So I did what I should need to do. I try my best to mask all the emotions I’m having the whole time. I put the best armor I can ever have, the face of an idol. But I always make sure not to wear, the heart of an idol.

***

I smiled not only because I paid to smile, but I feel the need to, for every genuine happy faces of our fans is a tug on my lips, a sweet smile. I sing and dance, that’s my job, but that’s also what I always wanted my whole life, this not just a job for me, this is the fulfillment of my dreams. I wave to fans not only because I have to, but because I want to.

I want them to know that there’s still Kim Taeyeon not the idol behind this mask. The woman, who only wanted is to make her dream come true and when she did, she never want to let go. She never want to let go, not only her dreams, but all the people she have her dreams with. The people she meet, every people who cheers, supports and believe on her. Those eight lovely girls who hold her hands until they reach the top. Every persons she grew to cherish and learn to love.

***

Life is cruel. It makes you happy but in an instance, makes you sad. It makes you complete, but any minute it will broke you. It depends on you.

Like how it depends on me. Like how my life gave me options. Options to choose.

Your choice, it says. My choice.

On your left hand are all the people whose with you from the start. People who help you stand on your feet and be your strength to start your new found life. People who do nothing but to supports you. Believe on whatever talent you have. Shielded you from every storms that hit you. Fight for they think you worth it. And just stay by your side, nothing in return, just your attention, appreciation and trust.  

Those people you always wanted to see, just to make feel that you’re in the right place, that you’re doing the right thing. They, who always help you to stay on the ground even with all the acknowledgements you get. They who do nothing but to praise you and make sure you will always be on top. People who trust and stay loyal to you. They, who love you. They all fulfilled your dreams and make it as the reality. They are placed on your left hand, your fans. SONE.

Right hand, is where everything started. This, where all of you have begun. The foundation of your beautiful story. The reason behind all your decisions. The cause of all your choices. This is where you get where your left hands have. Your ambitions, goals, desires, hungers, hopes and wishes. Your beginning. These people, eight individuals, who you grown to love, not only because you share the same dreams but because you have the same fate. The right hands holds it. DREAMS.

And there’s your last choice. Reasons of all the reason. The cause of all the causes. The beginning of your forever. There lies your everything. And when I say everything, all of it. From the start to the very ending. Your left hand makes you smile, happy, accepted, appreciated, worship, wanted, desires, needed and love. As your right hand makes you proud, pleased, satisfied, contented and fulfilled. Together, they also make you feel the need to cry and feel lonely, sad and rejected.

But with your last choice, it doesn’t just for everything your both hand can do, make you feel or can give you. Your last choice is the only thing you need to make you who you are. It’s the only thing you need to make you complete. It gives you the reason to live. It gives you your purpose in life. Your everything. Placed inside it. HEART.

***

I never wanted to let go. Not now, or ever. Selfish as it may sounds, but that’s how Kim Taeyeon is. That’s who I am. I’m willing to sacrifice the other half of my life just to make sure, the other half won’t fall. The other half, that’s holding my dreams. The other half that holds sone. But sometimes even how hard you try to hold on to everything, you can’t. You only have two hands and one heart. You cannot hold more than your hands can, nor love more than your heart can ever do. So you need to make a choice, let go of whatever your left hand have, so you can help not to let go of whatever is placed on your right hand, or vice versa. Or you can let go on everything on your both hands, so you can help your heart get the person it choose to have. Securely.

Did I just said I’m selfish? Yes I am. Because I can’t choose only one. I always wanted to have everything or if not, at least two. But life is full of games. I should know it from the start, I only need to choose one. I should. Just one. But how?

***

Seven years ago, I made the first decision. I choose my right hand. I left my old life and choose my dream. By doing that I get the love I wanted from everyone who believes, our sone. I found a new family, different girls I give my love the most. And I also get the love of my life, who makes my heart beats forever. Not without thinking, that I hurt many people I once loved in the process. Or them I still love, but choose to sacrifice.

At least I have all those three. My dream, my fans and my love. So I move on, having those in my life. I start a new, believing I choose the right way. It looks perfect, but deep inside, and hidden from everyone. I started wrong. Right in my eyes, right for the sake of my dream, perfectly right in the eyes of sone, but wrongly, in the eyes of my heart, my love. I choose to lie for the sake of what I think is right. I lied for my dreams and for my fans. I lie, because that’s the only option left.

From there started all the lies. Every year I made another lie, until it became series of lies. But I already made my decisions. I already experience what my dreams feels like. So I closed my eyes, let it blinded by my beautiful dream and continue. Continue living as if everything is perfect. When the truth, there’s nothing aside, except, my ambitions.

Eight months ago I made my second decision. I let go of my heart to keep the firm hold on my hands. I’m selfish, I told you. How can I let go of my dreams? The one that brought me here. How can I continue my dream without people who believes in me? So I need to let go of my heart. I thought it will be more easy but no.

There’s no guarantee, that when you let go of what weighs more, will replace by something that weighs the same. Once you choose something to let go, let it fell in the ground, you should know too, that however careful you let it go, it will not give you an assurance that will not break into pieces. You are lucky if it just get a crack, at least it’s still whole. But don’t expect that it will bounce back the same. The impact is there. The impact of its falling. The force of your once firm hold on it and suddenly letting it go. The damaged it cause, whether small or big. It still has it. The damage is done. It will forever have it. Change.

I taught I already made the hardest decision in my life, but I was wrong. It just makes me weak, weaker and weakest. Until I don't know myself anymore. I cannot differentiate who’s Kim Taeyeon, the idol, from Kim Taeyeon, my old self. Until I woke up every day full of regrets. Until I only live in a life that I slowly and fully made myself. Life which is full of lies. So every time I smile, I think twice. Is this a sincere one or another lie? I don't know. I'm not sure anymore.

 ***

This is the life I choose. So even how much I wanted to get out, I can't and I won't too. Many envy us, me. A life like this. Yes the recognition you can have is really feels great. Looking up by many from below. That feels awesome. It makes every ego on your body proud. You feel like the most important person in the eyes of your supporters. But it's not always like that. At the same time you become the greatest enemy of your haters. You like a wall for them to break, but for every hit they made, just make you feel stronger. Or you think you are, you didn’t dare to look down and check, if your wall is still intact. Do you ever think they didn’t make any damage on you? Even a single scratch, worst a crack?

When people love you, count them all and you will know how many hate you can have too. The more the merrier right?

Right.

***

I don't know how people like us, can do all of this. When you choose this kind of life, you don't have any excuse and just follow what they asked you to. Every time I perform I make sure I'm giving my everything. Pulling my best dance moves. Belting my high notes. And putting my best smiles. I keep on doing this for seven years along with eight more girls. So sometimes, I don't need to think of dance steps and the rhythm, nor the lyrics. It became my second nature. Natural. It suddenly became the new me. As I step on the stage, my armor showed. It covers the real me, but it can't cover what my heart and mind feels. Even sometimes how I wish it did. So I can be an idol, who only performs and no space for emotions.

***

There two more sets of songs before this concert ends. I feel tired but not physically. I keep on being an idol to these thousands of people. I keep on giving my best share as a member of this Nation's Girl Group. But my heart and mind have their own life. As my body moves to different beats, my heart beats the other way. It beats not because of the pounding of the loud music but hard pouncing of pain I'm feeling. 

Are those people watching me, really watching me? As the yesterday Taeyeon they knew? Yesterday singer they adore? Their Kid Leader they trust? Or today’s Taeyeon whose true color slowly showing? I smiled and wave as I saw my name on the board. Maybe they are. Maybe a lot of them not.

I sudden wind of fear caught my face. What if I'm not here? What if, I'm now performing in front of my Korean fans? Will they smile like this to me? Hold my name like this? Cheer for me? Worst what if, they are the ones who post those hurtful comments earlier? Those who let me know how betrayed they feel because me. Those once who loved me, now hate me the most. What if many of them suddenly shout at me and called me liar? There's many more hate words they told me. What were they? . Sly fox. . . Traitor. 

You cannot please everybody. You can say that everyone’s love you. But, that’s a shame.

I can accept anything from other people. Those that just don't like me since the beginning. Those people who born to hate me. I can get over all of them. They can call me anything and everything. It doesn't affect me nor hurt me. But not with words coming from those people I once share my happiness with. Those once I called mine, ours. People who once cheered for me. Shout my name and felt proudness because of me. Once called themselves Kim Taeyeon's fans. Those messages hit me the most. It hurts me, every single part of me. 

My almost perfect idol armor doesn't help me. It doesn't. It doesn't shield me from this heaviest storm that ever hits me. It gets it all. In one swift, on the first blow and another set of blows soon to come.

As our last song ended. We bid goodbye. Says all the good words we can ever say to these people who came for us. We hold each other’s hands, like it's the most natural thing in the world. We bow together.

Those smile these eight lovely girls gave me above the stage suddenly change, as the lights turns off. As the pink lights represents all of us disappeared on our sights. They smile faded, and the only small smile I have this night vanished.

I need to face this. Now.

***

“You been in this industry for almost seven years now! How come you still this careless? I can’t even look at my phone now, nor check any messages. Worst check those sites that suddenly make your name their headlines. Lee Sajangnim is not here anymore to save your again. You should know that!” Manager Oppa’s voice echoed in our dorm.

“I know Oppa.” I answered in a soft voice. Trying my best to fight my tears.

“You know? You know! Then why do you still did this? Don’t you ever think of what will the consequences of your actions? You can date whoever, wherever and whenever you what. But please put this on your mind. You’re the leader of this group, you should be more careful than how your other members are. Seriously? What’s came in your mind when you picked him up and brought there in that place? Date as if you’re the only people in the world and show your bare face. You know paparazzi been following you this past years, all of you, but you still didn’t give a and still do what you what.”

“You even have the courage to bring your own car than everyone knows. You should at least made your time together discreet, but no, you know your car is not tinted. You even open your car and bam kissed him. Seriously? What’s wrong with you? Are you done with this life? Are you done being an idol? You should at least tell us, than doing this. You’re not only pulling your career and reputation down. You’re bringing this group down together with this mess! Do you understand that? Do you ever think of that in the first place? Answer me Kim Taeyeon!” He is the oldest Manager we have. And I know too he has all the right to scold me like this.

“I’m really sorry Oppa.” I cry, helplessly. Darn, when will you make a right decision Kim Taeyeon? When?

“Sorry? Do you think your sorry matters now? When everyone is talking s about you? This is not just a simple issue you can deal with. You cannot say sorry and expect that everything will be back to normal. This is bigger than you think it is. You are not just the center of gossips now. You’re also the center of your own fans hate! Hate! We didn’t let you make that stupid SNS to serve as your way of sending those coded hidden message to your lover. We oppose on that idea, because we knew something like this will happen. They will put meaning for every words you put on there. You’re the stubborn one who wants that in the first place. For what reason? What did you tell us when you make that account? What?”

“For