2010 | Seoul, South Korea

A knocked on my window brought me back from my deep thoughts. "What do you need?" I hissed and let this unwanted person get inside my car. 

"I don't need anything, but I know you do." A paper bag handed to me. I hate fast food. "Eat." I ignored it and turn back my attention on this one particular restaurant. "How long are you planning to do this?"

"It's none of your business." I answered harshly. "Come on. You know it's my business." A snickered. "If you don't know what shut-up means, then you're free to get out of my car, now." I said to the person next to me. 

"Okay. Okay. I will shut up, but you should at least eat or drink. You've been here for three hours." I shook my head.

"You are really stubborn." I know.

The door of the restaurant open. Revealing the person I’ve been waiting for. My eyes darted for every move. “Finally.” I mumbled. I quickly looked back to my now-unforgotten-company. “Get out. I’m leaving.” I muttered. “Relax. No need to be harsh.” A clicked on the passenger seat door. “Enjoy the rest of the night, Taeyeon-ssi.” The person bid goodbye, teasing.

I started the engine. Step on the gas and drove off. I need to be home before her, like what I’m making sure I did this past months. A quick glance from my rear mirror. See you back home, my love.

***

“Taetae, wait.” Tiffany try her best to push me, gently of course. “I miss you, don’t you feel the same?” A hurt look. “You know I do.” My lips back on her neck. “But’s it’s late. We still have an early schedule tomorrow.” I clenched my teeth and make an enough space between us. “You mean, later?” I sarcastically corrected.

“You should be here before twelve, of course, it will be late now.” Her face fell down. “Tae.” Her left hand reach my hand. “It’s okay. I understand.” I quickly retracted my hand from hers, and step back. “Good night, Fany-ah.” I closed the door to her room. I bit my lips and fight the urge to cry.

It hurts, but it hurts more when you know you choose this.

When I know I chose this.

***

“Aish!” I ruffled my hair in frustrations. “Hey Tae. What’s wrong?” Tiffany who just entered my room asked. She picked the bunch of papers scattered on the floor. “And you’re telling Sunny how messy she is.” She commented. “Because she is.” I pointed to the bed next to me. Tiffany just chuckled and tidy Sunny’s used clothes.

“So tell me. What’s your problem?” She sit beside me and worriedly asked. “I don’t think I can do this.” I pointed on the paper she placed on my lap. “Memorizing the scripts?” She asked confused. “Ani, not that. I admit my memory but I can still manage.” She smiled. “So? What it is then?”

“I don’t think I meant to do a musical. Worst be the lead role. Argh! Why SM stupidly agreed on this!” I smear my hands on my face. She pry my hands covering my face and pulled me to face her. “Because they believe you can do it. They trust you.” I shook my head, disapproving. “Pft. They just agreed on this, because of the money, not because they trust me or either of us. They just doing this for business. We are their business.” I sarcastically claimed.

“Tae.”

“And now they’re putting me in this situation. As far as I remember, I’m a singer not a ing musical actress.” They didn’t even asked me, if I want to be part of this project. Nor asked me if I can do it. Okay, I can sing but this is different. I can’t even act properly in the front of the camera, worse in front of many people. This is not me. .

“Why don’t you give it a try first? See what happens. If you still feel like not doing it again, then don’t. I’m sure Lee Sonsaengnim will understands.” She suggests. She knew too how I oppose when we first heard about this. But like me, like anyone who have the same contract as me. We cannot do anything.

“Give it a try? Then what if I’m not able to bring justice to my role? What if I failed? Forgot the dialogue? Can’t act properly? I’m just dragging the rest of the cast with me. More I will just bring shame not only on my name but to our group’s too.” I desperately told her.

“Taetae, have faith with yourself, will you? I know you can do it. You can do it. People will criticize you for sure, but many will still praise you. Everyone knows you’re new with this. Why don’t you just think of this, as a new accomplishment? Another goal that you achieved? Another way of improving yourself. Don’t talk like that, we will never know, if all of a sudden you became a great musical actress. Right?” She said comforting.

“You know I won’t, like never.” I snorted.

“You can. Like how you became good Radio DJ.” She added. “That one and this are different.” I try to explain. “I know. Like how different hosting a TV and radio show. But still you’re doing well on both.” I sighed in defeat. “Come on, just give it a try. And I’m just here to support you. Your family too. Our girls, and of course, our fans. Make us proud.” I chuckled.

“Thanks for putting another weight on my shoulders.” She hug me. “We believe on you Kim Tayeon. So don’t dare to bring us down.” She pulled back and pecked my lips. “Now, practice.” She handed me back the papers.

“I don’t want.” I crossed my arm and pouted. “You know you will, sooner or later you should.” I sulked more. “Help me?” I asked cutely. “Isn’t why I’m here?” She tapped my nose and smiled.

“Thanks love.” I smiled back. If Tiffany believes I can do it. I can, I hope I can. I told myself still, doubting.

***

“I hope you don’t mind, girls?” My hands engulfed with a rough yet warmed hands. A sweet smile. “Of course not Unnie. We are happy for the both of you.” Yoona broke the tension. A nervous smile. “Congratulations, Taeyeon Unnie, Jeongsu Oppa.” Juhyun hugged the both of us. “Thank you.” He returned the hug.

“Please take care of her Oppa. She’d been hurt before. I don’t want the same thing to happen again.” A gulped. Soonkyu ruffled my hair and patted Oppa’s shoulder. “I’m taking care of her and I will never hurt our Taeyeonnie.” He gave me a sweet smile, yet again. I returned it back, nervously.

I searched for one familiar pair of eyes. No need for words, when our gaze met she smiled and nodded. “Congrats again for the both of you. I know Taetae is in a good hands.” A perfect smile, a convincing one.

“Thank you Fany-ah.” Oppa exclaimed, beaming. Who wouldn’t? Everyone knows we are best friends. What more a boyfriend could ask for, when her girlfriend’s best friend just gave his, her approval.

Of course, he would be happy. Like Junsu was.

***

“So our company just denied it?” Sooyeon exclaimed. “They did. You know they will. It’s not like it’s new.” Yuri shrugged her shoulder and change the channel. “And Oppa is okay with it?” She added. I sit down next to her. “He is. Besides we have no choice, don’t we?” And I don’t want either. I snatch the remote control from Yuri.

“Yah! We’re watching that.” She complained. “What are you five? There, that’s better.” I switch it back on the movie channel.” She pouted. “Anyway, where’s Steph?” Jessica seems to sense my mood and change the topic. “Dunno.” I answered. Soonkyu, who’s busy playing games on her phone, joined the conversation.

“What do you mean you don’t know? Didn’t Miyoung told you she will meet up with her boyfriend earlier?” She put down her phone and face me. “Really? Slip off my mind.” I ended the talked and focused on the movie. “Eesh, forgetful.” Hyoyeon commented.

“Do you think those two are serious?” Yuri asked. “They won’t date each other if not.” Sooyoung chimed in. “And with the flow of their relationship. I think they are. They are always with each other in their free time. Like right now.” Sunny added.

“Wait, how long they’ve been dating again? Tae?” Jessica asked again. “Not sure, six months? Five? And why are you asking me that? Asked her later.” And I don’t care. I murmured and adjust the volume of the TV, higher.

You know you care.

“Why are you so grumpy this past weeks?” I furrowed my brows and faced Jessica. “I’m not.” I depended. “Yes, you are. You seems off, for real.” I breathed. “Problem with Oppa, Unnie?” Yoona soflty asked. I shook my head. “We’re doing fine. I’m just thinking a lot with our next project.” They nodded. Seems to buy my excuse.

“Nervous?” Yoona asked. “Kinda, but more like, tense.” Pressured. I answered truthfully. My cellphone lit up, a new message.

‘If you miss me, why don’t you go back home and be here with me?’ I replied.

“Well, aren’t we all feel the same?” I dismissed the other thoughts in my mind and agreed silently with Yuri’s statement.

“I’m nervous, Unnie.” Juhyun who’s been quiet the whole time said. I her head and smiled. “You shouldn’t. We have each other, remember? You have us, Maknae.” Her face brighten up. “Thank you, Taeyeon Unnie.” I nodded. No problem.

My phone vibrates.

‘I wanted so badly, but you know I can’t right now. See you later love.’

Of course, as expected, later.

***

2010 | Tokyo, Japan

“Jiguemen Sonyuhshidae! Fighting!”

We all cheered, full of desire and enthusiasm. “We can do it!” I shouted. Encouraging everyone. Tonight, will be the start of another dream not only mine but for all of us. We will conquer Asia, we will, but right now, we need to prove Japan we worth it. Like how we do in our home country. We worth the name we’re bearing now.

We’re not just a group of nine beautiful girls, as other describes us. We are Korea’s Nation’s Girl Group, who sings and dance with hearts and passions. We are Girl’s Generation, so Japan embraced yourselves, because we are here now, ready for our next dream, and make it came true. Yet, for another history. Another reason for us to stay on the top.

We deserve it, because we work hard for every single things we gained and achieved. Right?

Of course. I’m just stating the truth.

Before I knew it, pink waved of lights blinded my sight and roar of thousands of people deafened my ear. I smiled widely, my heart leap. I will never get used to this. I don’t think I can. My dreams, my fans and my girls. A beautiful combination, but not perfect, yet. A soft hand intertwined with mine.

Now, that’s perfect.

A crescent shaped eyes meet mine’s. With the same intense, passions and desires. She feels the same way. Trust me. I know she does.

I know you do, love.

We will never get used to this. Both of us.

***

Seoul, South Korea

"Hey, not tired? You just came back from Japan, don't you?" I ignore the remarks. "Don't you already know?" I mumbled and cursed slightly. Still waiting for a certain door to open, like always. But this time I'm not in the front of a restaurant. The different and colorful blinking of lights says it all.

What do you think you're doing love? You shouldn't be here. Damn, you shouldn't be with him in this place. Scratch it. You shouldn't be with him in the first place, at all.

"I heard it was a success?" I stayed mum. "So how's your overseas debut compared here?" I heard a chuckled. I heard my passenger moves on the seat.

"I never thought she's a party girl." She's not. "You should remind her this place is no good. Image wise and safety too." I huffed. "Could you ing shut your mouth up?!" I shot a really deadly scowled.

I'm so tired and exhausted, physically and mentally. And now I need to deal with the fact that my girl is inside this freaking bar, doing things I don't want to even know, with him. And with the live comments coming from this still unwanted passenger of mine, doesn't add well with everything. I shouldn't be affected at all. Emotions doesn't bring any good. It never was.

"Chill girl. I'm just concerned." I slam my hands on the steering wheel. Losing my patience. "Are you kidding me? Who do you think you are? Concerned? You don't have any right to feel any concern for her!" I almost see the sudden shocked written on this person's face. But easily vanished and replaced with a smug.

"I know, but still, I am. And worried for you. Drive safely, Taeyeon-ssi and congratulations." My company stated before getting out of my car. And leave me with another rush of emotions. 

"!" I screamed.

***

"Are you drunk again?" I try to sound worried but no, I'm too mad right now to pretend. "Oh, Taetae! I miss you." Tiffany whispered the last words, but still loud enough. "Be quiet. I don't want anyone to wake up and see you in this state." I said gritting my teeth. Words like I miss you shouldn't affecting you like this. I'm angry, you should be angry Taeyeon.

"Can you sleep with me tonight, love?" She said and giggled. There, all the anger were gone. Darn. I help her changed and tucked her in bed. "So you won't?" She mumbled. I switch off the light. "I will. Of course I will." I sighed and smiled bitterly in the dark. She scooted a little, giving enough space for me.

She snuggled close. "Taetae?" I hummed in response and found myself combing her locks. "You know, I love you right?" I nibbled my lower lip. "Go to sleep. You're tired." Her hug tighten. "Are you tired too?" She asked half-asleep. "Yeah." I answered.  I am.

"Not with me right? Not with us?" I smiled. "That won't never happen.” I kissed the crown of her head. "Sweet dreams, love." A faint sweet smell.

"I love you."

"I love you more."

I pushed her closer to my body. Feeling her warmth, but why, it's still not enough to warmth my heart. It should be, like it always did.

***

"I always told you to be more careful!" My voiced echoed. "Taeng it's an accident." Yuri run quickly towards me. Pulling me back. "Don't you think your anger will change anything? It already happened. All you need to do is think of her condition now, not making her feel worse!" Jessica shot back and hug Tiffany who's already crying her eyes out.

"She's right Unnie. Fany Unnie need our help now." Juhyun help Tiffany wipe her tears. "One month. You will pull out on our comeback for the whole month! Just because of this stupid accident." I shook my head, still clouded with the announcement, our Manager told us. One month without her? Damn it.

"What do you want me to d-do? Do you think I choose this? Did you think I ever wanted to have this stupid cast on my foot right now?!" Tiffany finally said. Still crying.

"Of course you don't! But you can avoid this to happen if you just became more careful! For geez sake Fany-ah! How many times you will hurt yourself!?" I shouted again. 

"Sorry! Sorry for being so careless! Sorry if I keep hurting myself! Sorry for not listening to you!" She broke down with a loud sobs. "Just please don't shout at me anymore. Don't be mad at me Taetae, please." She said, begging.  "Tae." Her voice cracked. I sighed. Yuri let go of her hold on my arm. Tiffany stands up, Yoona and Sooyoung help her. I took small steps towards her. 

"I'm not mad. I just hate to see you like this." My voice soften. Tiffany leaped and meet my steps half way. "I'm sorry." I handed my hands to her and enveloped her with a big hug. "I'm sorry too. Just promise us to be more careful next time, okay?" She nodded. I let go of her and help her sit down. 

"Sone will miss you. We will miss you." She laughed. She's always cute like this. Laughing with a puffed eyes. "Silly." She tapped my nose. "I'm not going anywhere. Looked." She pointed on her right leg. "Right. You can't go anywhere." I chuckled. My members laughed too. "Get well fast Miyoung-ah! We're not complete without you. We need our Fany Fany Tiffany!" Soonkyu in.

She nodded cutely. "And that thing is ugly!" Hyoyeon said that earned another laugh. I met her eyes. She frowned. "Why?" She tilted her head and pouted. 

"Hyo is right. It's ugly." I gave a meaningful looked to Hyo that made her stopped laughing. "It's okay. You just need to wear it for a month. Just for one month, okay?" I try to comfort her.

"But. It's not pink." I knitted my forehead. "What?" She pointed back on her injured leg. "Seriously?" Jessica huffed in disbelief. "Just to remind you Fany-ah. You're twenty-one years old already." Sooyoung added. Tiffany sulked more.

"Ahm. So, do you want to have it in pink then?" I said my second to the last word with a slight disgusts. She quickly nodded. I smiled, lopsided. "Come on Taengoo. Don't just gave in with her childishness." Sunny disagreed. "Please Taetae?" She tilted her head again and gave me a puppy look.

"I will be a good girl!" She raised her hand. "Promise?" She nodded. "Crossed your heart?" She nodded again and draw a cross just above her left chest. I stand up.

"Okay. I'll asked your Doctor for a pink cast." Chains of complains followed. "Thank you Taetae." But I just ignore them. Happy and excited Tiffany hugs my waist. I patted her head. Anything for you.

"I can't believe it." Sooyoung shook her head.

"You're always spoiling her Taeng." Yuri snickered.

"Pink is uglier." Hyoyeon commented. Another glared. "Fine. I didn't say a