I know that it was been a long time since I had updated and you all probably thought I was dead or something. Yeah, well, things had been stressful and I had problems and couldn’t really update because of that. I hadn’t actually tried to write during this non updating period. I haven’t been writing any fanfics and I couldn’t sit down and think about the novel I have because I was just stuck I guess? There were just a few issues too much and I couldn’t deal with writing because my mind was not in the right place and honestly this is probably the first time when I can admit that even I myself felt like I couldn’t blame being away from writing.

                I’ve had panic attacks last year, I still have them, but last year was somewhat traumatic and my mind couldn’t deal with anything without going into panic mode. I couldn’t go a day without having an actual panic attack and I hid myself because I didn’t want my family and friends to know that something was that wrong.

                I’ve actually had suicidal thoughts more times than I should have had them. And then my anxiety would kick in harder and it was like a never needing circle. I barely had any strength to go out of bed and to do anything. I wouldn’t eat for days and would only force myself to eat when my knees would feel too heavy and I didn’t want to collapse. So I tried to survive, even if it was barely existing, not living, so that no one would see how badly I was doing. And that’s the problem with me, I never seek out help. And I know that I should, I just can’t really find the strength until it becomes too much and someone forces me to do it.

                But one good thing came out of it I guess? I took and opportunity and moved to London. I’ve never been to England so I was excited.

                All I can say is that London is both a blessing and a curse at the same time. I love it here. I feel free and myself here, the people don’t know me, so they don’t judge me. And I can finally practice my English again, and see things and meet new people. But I guess knowing my rotten luck I am always going to experience something bad too. So the reason why I hadn’t been updating this year was because of my roommate. Yes. My roommate in London.

                At first I didn’t even think about it much. I moved into an apartment in London, everything was great and exciting. And I thought that maybe my roommate was but being extra friendly. But now I know, I should have seen the signs. I should have noticed the red flags and the warnings from the first evening. He started asking me questions that you don’t ask people when you just meet them. Now I mean I ask some weird and creepy questions sometimes, but his were just out of the norm, even for someone like me who usually has no problems with talking about anything. That was my first mistake of rooming with someone I didn’t know.

                But I brushed it off.

                It all started with simple touching. My arms, thighs, neck, anything he could reach. And I would step away and tell him to stop. But he would forget about it and do it again after about ten minutes. I felt like I was doing something wrong. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just stay away from me? Why couldn’t he stop touching me and looking at me?

                I remember the first time it happened so clearly. I remember trying to hold in my cries as he tried to force himself on me. I remember pushing him away and turning away from him, stepping back so he wouldn’t touch me. I remember biting into his arm so he would let me go and he just showed me away, and I was freaked out, terrified, with tears now fully rolling down my cheeks, but I was also relieved that I managed to get away from him. And he laughed. All he did was laugh and mock me.

                And I thought that now he would get that I didn’t want anything to do with him. But oh how stupid I was. He tried again, and again. He would taunt me, ask me for ual favors, treat me like a piece of meat and I hated it. So I started going out in the evening because I hated being at home. I would come back with the last tube or the next morning just to go to bed so that I wouldn’t have to deal with him.

                But it didn’t stop there. It got worse. It got so bad, to the point where I once again had to fight against myself in order to wake up, to get out of bed and to do something during the day. I started thinking that maybe I deserved this? Maybe I did something for him to act like this? Because as a girl I was told from a young age by society that a girl should dress modesty, she should not be too close to a guy unless she wants something from him. And that if something bad does happen to her, most times she was asking for it. And it is so messed up that we, the people who become victims of ual abuse, any kind of abuse, be it we are male or female, start blaming ourselves. And only because society tells us that we should have fought back harder. You will never know how hard I fought back.

                It got so bad that I started sleeping for four hours per night, too afraid that he was going to do something to me.

                The first time I realized that what was happening was ual harassment I cried because this couldn’t be happening to me, not again. I had promised to myself that I was never going to be in a situation like this again. I’ve been harassed before, verbally, physically a few times, and a few times ually, but not to this level, at least not for this long. Not to the level where I felt disgusted with someone, and I started to feel disgusted with myself too. Because for a while I thought it was my fault.

                And I couldn’t just move out, I just came to London, I didn’t know anyone, and I couldn’t just throw money away by renting another place. So I stayed and it up, fearing of what might happen.

                I’ve avoided him as much as I could, not being near him, always doing something important, or at least pretending that I was doing something important.

                I stopped crying whenever he would try to force himself on me, but the tears were close to spilling out every time he touched me or talked to me. It was the first time I truly started to dislike someone. I had always been a peaceful person, one who tried to just not fight with others. But I couldn’t help and start hating him for what he was doing to me.

                He’d ask me for ual favors every day, at least five times, he would me, try to take my top off and I would tell him to stop, I had shouted at him a lot of times. But it’s almost like he thinks women are meant to be treated like this, like they are nothing.

                I’ve had him trying to grind up onto me from behind me, and he had walked into the shower because ours doesn’t have a lock more times than he should have. Which should have been zero for all I know. He would just pull the shower curtains away and stare at me. He had once even stepped into the shower while I was inside and I freaked out.

                Every day I would get scared because what if this time he wouldn’t back away after I had cursed at him more than I should have? What if this time I wasn’t going to be strong enough to push him away? What if this time he would decide to stop playing with me? What if this time he would just me? And I lived like that for weeks, months even, afraid and waking up every morning with these thoughts in my head. And I was too scared to go away because I didn’t have anywhere else to go back then.

                And now I understand that none of it was my fault, I never asked for this to happen. I never asked to be ually harassed. And neither had you. No one asks for it, and no one deserves this. So if something like this is happening to you, if someone is trying to force you to do something, if  someone is not taking a no, talking to you in a way you don’t want them to talk to you. It is not your fault.

                This, this happens to a lot of people, and I feel like we should be brave enough to speak about it, to encourage each other to search for help. Because getting out of a situation like this, when you are harassed, abused and taken advantage of isn’t easy.

                I’ve never been a person who was comfortable talking about her feelings, at least the negative and dark ones. But this, just like some other , I never want anyone to go through. You should never feel like you are lower than someone else. You should never be forced to do something that is against your own wishes. And I am truly sorry that if you are going through something like this. And I hope you have people around you that make you see how wonderful you are and that you are not alone, even if you feel like the whole world is against you.

                And now that I had poorly poured all my reasons why I hadn’t been updating, I actually started thinking about the fact that I want to get back into writing. So as a start, I am going to update all the ongoing stories I have.

                I actually haven’t been into Kpop much during this absence, but recently I got into iKON after finding out about Bobby and I know I know, the diss was not cool apparently, but I think it’s how the rap scene is? It’s normal for rappers to diss each other if they don’t go overboard, and I don’t think he did. Okay, whatever, you can still dislike him, but I like the way he raps and I guess I’ve always been into rappers a bit more than into vocalists?

                So yes, back to the main point, I will be updating after my birthday, I think around May 3~4 maybe? My birthday is on May 1^st and all I want is to stay in, watch running man and eat ice cream because I’ve been too down lately and I want to just relax at home.

                You should all know that I love you all you potatoes, stay safe and eat well for my birthday!