Deer Luhan,

I don’t know if it’s a cultural difference or something, but isn’t a normal reaction to finding out somebody’s being chased by the mafia “sh*t” rather than “so do you have a crush on Sehun?”

Leigh

I found myself with a lot of new clothes on Tuesday, and once we got back from the school (where I’d been pestered by hormonal teenage girls demanding to know if I was dating Tao because I was wearing a t-shirt he’d apparently worn at some televised event or other not long after EXO’s debut), Tao somehow persuaded Kris to go out shopping with him to replenish his wardrobe.

To be honest, though, Kris’ decision to take Tao shopping might have had more to do with the fact that he’d made the mistake of blurting out “Zoo Han strikes again!” as we’d piled into the minivan on leaving the school and the two-hour journey meant that I had plenty of time to use him as a punch bag.  He’d ended up hiding under a seat, practically crying with laughter and trying to protect himself with an emergency road kit.  Lay had taken it upon himself to explain that the colourful t-shirt had got Tao the nickname “peacock oppa”, though why Korean honorifics were cropping up in something related to China was beyond both of us.  Either way, Kris apparently deemed it best to get out of the dorm before he tempted fate and thought of a fifth animal to compare me to and lost his head, in both senses.  Tao had promised to ring us if they passed a store with phones so that the damaged ones could be replaced before Kris hustled him out the door.

The rest of us spent a lazy afternoon in the living room, Xiumin basking in the now clothes-free space while Lay and Chen had an intensive MarioKart battle and I surfed Youtube for decent videos.  Lay had shown me around the Great Firewall of China a few days before and Baekhyun had decided he wanted in on what he called my “awesome English teaching”, demanding more songs to learn in English because that was what he apparently found most fun.  Could have been because D.O. tried to put him through Monty Python’s Cheese Shop sketch and the names of all the cheeses had been a bit too much for him.

“Xiumin,” I called, frowning at the tabs I’d pulled up and flicking aimlessly between them, “which of these songs do you think Baekhyun will like most?”

“The best one,” he mumbled, fanning his arms around him like he was making a snow angel on the carpet, except without snow.

I pursed my lips.  For some reason – or perhaps to get back at Baekhyun for all the mindless teasing about Sehun – all I could think of were girl-power songs in some form, and none of them were recent.  I was heavily tempted by Britney Spear’s Stronger because I would have loved to see Baekhyun do the chair dance.  Oops was another good Britney option.  Then there were Sk8ter Boi by Avril Lavigne and Destiny’s Child’s Survivor, but they probably wouldn’t elicit the kinds of performances I was imagining with It’s Raining Men or The Potential Break-up Song.

I sighed.  It’s Raining Men would be a good one, but it was popular, and I was pretty sure that there were Korean covers of It’s Raining Men around.  What about P!nk’s So What?

“Hey, Xiu, do you know if Baekhyun likes P!nk?” I asked.

Xiumin raised his head to look at me.  “Who?”

So What it was, then.  I smiled at him.  “Thanks!”

“Wait, what have I done?”

I copied the link and sent it to Sehun with a message to pass it to Baekhyun.  “You’ve helped me choose a song with attitude for Baekhyun to learn and sing.”

He narrowed an eye at me, unsure whether or not this was a good thing, and then went back to making imaginary snow angels.

An IM popped up and I felt my heart flutter with surprise: I hadn’t realised Sehun was online.

Baekhyun’s out at singing practice right now, but I’ll pass it on, he’d written.  Kai wants one too, though.  Something he can dance to.

I looked at the message blankly for a few moments, wondering what to recommend.  Then an evil thought struck me, and I went to scour Youtube’s depths for the Cha Cha Slide with a cackle.

“Uh oh.”  The MarioKart sounds cut off and I felt Chen’s and Lay’s eyes on me.  “This doesn’t bode well.  What are you up to?”

“Kai asked me for a new song with English lyrics to dance to,” I said happily, “and I have found the perfect match.”

“You’re smirking,” Lay told me.  “Are you doing a Chen?”

I chuckled a little.  “Of course.”

They hopped over the back of the sofa and came to peer over my shoulder.  Xiumin joined them.

“Come on, let’s see this.”

I hit the play button, only to pause it when Sehun messaged me back.

OMG.  *dead*

“That bad?” asked Chen, smirking.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” I said, “actually, just gentlemen: may I present the Cha Cha Slide?”

I hit play again.

They spent the first thirty seconds or so just watching the lyrics flash up on the screen.  Xiumin was the first one to click that the words were the dance moves, and he backed away with a snort of laughter.

Lay twigged after that.

“Oh, man, you didn’t.”

“Oh yes I did.”

“I am so challenging him to a dance battle with this,” Chen grinned.  “Sliiiide to the left!”  He did so in an exaggerated manner.  “Showdown of the century.”

We all cracked up.

“No offence, Chen, but Kai would still win,” Lay told him, patting him sympathetically.  I pulled up a Youtube tab to see if there were any more songs like the Cha Cha Slide I could send Kai’s way when I suddenly hit gold for Baekhyun.

“Oh my God.  How could I forget Lady Marmalade?” I gasped out.

“Uh, no,” said Chen.  “Kai and sass do not mix.  Send it to D.O.”

“Send it to Sehun,” Lay told me with an angelic smile.  “I’m sure he could find some way of translating the French in the chorus if he doesn’t know what it means already—”

I threw a stray basketball at him.

“I’m sending it to Baekhyun,” I huffed.

“Don’t do that,” Xiumin told me.  “He might get ideas.”

I looked around for another basketball to chuck at him, and a familiar tune broke out from the other side of the room.

“Is that someone’s phone?” Lay asked.

“Mine,” I said, catching sight of a golf ball that was just out of reach.  “Could one of you get it while I find things to throw at Xiumin?  It’s probably Tao.”

Chen scampered away, and Xiumin spotted the golf ball just as I lunged for it, and he dived at it too.  I landed heavily on top of him and he flipped us over, sweeping the ball away from me and pinning me down.

“Golf balls hurt.”  He pouted at me.

“Aw,” I cooed breathlessly, trying to wriggle free.  Across the room, the ringtone cut off as Chen picked up with a chirpy hello.  “Are you scared?”

“Oh, hey, is that Chen?”

We both froze as Luhan’s voice rang out through the room.  Chen had put the phone on speaker, which was a good thing – except for the fact the phone was on speaker.

“Yeah,” said Chen before either of us could react.

“Hi!  Look, is Leigh around?  Can you tell her Luhan rang and I’ll be able to do Zhengzhou instead of her on Friday?”

“Sure,” said Chen, but then a frown spread across his face and he turned to look at me.  “Wait, wha—?”

Luhan must have been busy, because he hung up with a quick thank you.  Bemused, Chen glanced between Luhan’s phone in his hands and then back at me.

“Just what… Luhan— he – are you—?”

Xiumin and Lay sprang into action at the same time, practically flying across the room and wrestling the utterly bewildered Chen down the hall to the hidden closet in the wall, which Lay shoved him into unceremoniously and Xiumin locked before they both turned back to me.

“What the hell happened there?” Xiumin demanded in a low voice.

“Er… Luhan rang?”

“Luhan just ratted you out!  I thought you were keeping him up to date with who was aware you’re a girl and who wasn’t!”

“I am!” I protested.  They both folded their arms and glared at me.  Put out, I scratched the side of my head.  I was pretty sure I’d told Luhan everything – after all, both our lives kind of depended on it – which did make it rather odd that he’d slipped up like that.

Then an imaginary sledgehammer hit me over the head and I clapped my hands to my mouth.  “Oh crap!”

Lay rolled his eyes heavenwards.  “I knew this would happen.”

“I forgot to tell him Chen forgot all about knowing I was a girl because he passed out drunk!  I just freaked out to Luhan over the phone when it happened and then never mentioned it again!”

They both just stared at me, dumbfounded at my idiocy.

“Wow,” said Lay.  “And I thought my memory was bad.  Remind me never to trust you with my life.”

The closet door suddenly banged open and Chen climbed out of it, mussing up the hair on the back of his head and pouting adorably.

“Guys, what the heck?” he demanded.  “Why’d you lock me in the closet?”  He evaded Xiumin’s attempts to shove him back in there and skittered towards me.  “And what’s all this about me being drunk and you being a girl?”

Lay sighed and unfolded his arms again.  “You were drunk and Luhan’s a girl.  You’ve actually known since New Year’s.”

“What?”

“Except you haven’t because you were absolutely wasted.”

“Whoa, whoa, hold up.”  Chen scrunched up his nose.  “I am now totally confused.”

Lay pointed at him.  “You.  Drunk.  New Year.”  He mimed downing a pint, and then pointed to me.  “Luhan.  Girl.  Not Luhan.  Kapeesh?”

Chen blinked at him.  “Not really.”

With a groan, Lay grabbed hold of the singer’s sleeve and tugged him over to the sofas.  Xiumin and I followed.  “Ugh.  Sit.  And have a half hour amnesty on Korean so these two can explain.”

Chen just kind of sat there when we finished, the expression on his face even harder to divine than Sehun’s poker face.  It was kind of scary because none of us had any idea what he was thinking, and knowing Chen, it could go either way.

Xiumin nudged him.  “Chen, you’re going to freak her out if you start fossilising on the sofa.”

His expression gradually cleared to one I could understand.

“You look really confused,” I told him in a small voice.

He frowned.  I saw the beginnings of his oh-so-familiar pout.

“Girl, I can’t ex