AN: this is nothing but stream of consciousness... it's weird and I don't know if you will like it.
INFO: no warnings

002 / f e a r

If you just halt from everything you were doing, just for a moment, what can you see? If you close your mind for a minute and stop thinking about everything, what can you hear? If you stop on your tracks and forget everything you think you have to do, what can you smell?

In such an ordinary day, when I am walking to work, just on time like usual, suddenly something in me orders me to stop. I look around and see all the other people passing by, just like me, going for work or school. I move aside of the sidewalk, just so I wouldn’t be on anyone’s way. There are other people standing around me, waiting for bus, or a cab to pick them up.

They all are as ordinary as I am, but no one knows me. And I don’t know them.

There is an elder man standing beside the bus stop. He has a cognac brown leather briefcase on his left hand, a beret on his head. He actually reminds me of my own father. But then I hear girly giggles coming from the other way, and I see two little girls, who are probably in the lower grades of middle school, passing me by. The smaller one has a pink backpack, long, velvety hair, and the other one, probably her best friend, has a little toy dog in her hand.

I can smell the distant scent of recently made bread, probably coming from a bakery few shops ahead. But there’s also a strong smell of gasoline and exhaust fumes. It doesn’t surprise though when the street around me is one of the busiest.

Suddenly a heavy breeze of musky perfume fills my nostrils when an elder woman stops few meters away from me. I can see a glint of his buss card, and I know what she’s waiting for.

For that brief moment when I stood there watching people going, I didn’t focus on the noises around, and unfortunately because of that I almost quail when a car honks and the loud noise rings in my ears for few seconds after.

The weather is still cool, and the sun isn’t yet on a place to shine this way to warm it up. It’s the middle of September and people have obviously changed their clothes to a bit thicker ones.

I am aware that I’m probably going to be late for work, but somehow, today, it doesn’t matter. I am not actually sure, if actually ever has. Every day I wake up for work, go for work, get off from work, and go home. And the same goes on and on.

What for?

Why did I stop?

I exhale a puff of air that lingers in the air like white smoke, swirling there for a moment but soon fading into the thin air. My fingers are cold. The breeze dances shyly with my auburn colored hair, covering half of my eyes until I brush them off my sight.

The thoughts in my head come and go, and I can’t really stop and focus on anything. But I can hear my own voice making questions, scenarios, taking short grip of some memories.

Has there always been this feeling? Has it always been like this? Has there always been his feeling that I don’t belong? Has my job always been this boring? Have I always been distancing myself from my coworkers? Have I always hated to type those numbers to the computer?

Have I always been living someone else’s life for my whole life?

“Excuse me, can I sit here?”

At first, I only see a glimpse of jeans and army green shirt until I turn my head towards the origin of the voice. Those words, that voice, are still ringing in my head.

I glance at the clock on the wall, knowing that my workday has officially started 42 minutes ago, but there’s no me to do my work.

“Hey dude, can I sit here?”

It feels like a bubble of soap finally pops and I can finally see the young man on his early twenties looking at me with a slight, questioning smile and obviously waiting for my answer. I look around, and I understand why. The little café is full of people, some students reading their exam books and late workers eating their breakfast.

And I wonder how and when I actually ended up in here.

“Hey? Are you alright?”

It feels like it’s been ages since the last time I got my mouth open. “I-I’m sorry! Of course you can, go ahead, sorry I’m just…tired I guess.”

The man takes a seat and places his coffee on the table, looking at me with curiosity filled eyes.

“You were really dozing off there”, he says softly, and I stare at him, lips parted a bit until I bite them against each other. I realize that he actually has an accent in his voice. Probably coming from the east coast. Maybe he has just moved here? His eyes are sparkling, like a little kid who’s excited about everything. He seems lively. Curious about everything. He seems like he is looking the world through rose colored glasses.

He’s not like me, who has just realized how empty and mundane his life has been for a good while.

I wonder how he’s doing that.

“Are you really just tired?” he asks, and it seems like he’s not very private person.

“I guess so—I mean… No”, I suddenly say, and my shoulders sink. I stare at my own, still half full coffee cup which has already got cold.

He sips his coffee, eyebrows asking for more explanation. He actually seems like he wants to know. That he’s really willing to listen if I would just open my mouth. His mere presence gives me chills. Because I just met this guy, but it feels like he’s not going anywhere; that he’s going to stay. I don’t know why, but I watch him like I’m preparing myself to look at him over and over again.

Before I realize, there’s a playful, boyish grin on the corner of his lips.

“Are you checking me out?” he asks, and I know I’m staring him with round, wide eyes just when I’m about to stammer: “N-no! Sorry! No, definitely wasn’t check—“

“I’m just kidding”, he chuckles and I’m ready to clutch on my bangs in embarrassment. How come he even makes me blushing? Was I really checking out this…guy?

“I’m Donghae”, he says with his little bit crooked, white teeth showing when he smiles. 

“Hyukjae”, I mumble, still embarrassed, nervously taking a sip of my cold coffee to take my mind elsewhere. Doesn’t really taste good, but luckily it’s able to calm me down a bit.

“Well, Hyukjae, I just moved here and actually I don’t really…I know nothing about this city and I’m a bit lost.”

I finally notice the big backpack behind him, leaning against the wooden chair. The guy, Donghae, scratches his nape and I’m contemplating if it’s really a pout that tries to for onto his lips.

I’m not sure if he is asking me to guide him here.

“Yeah, it was a hint if you were thinking”, he snickers, taking a sip of his coffee again, but his chocolate brown eyes are hammered to mine.

Is it just me but is there something really…

“I mean, you look like a nice guy to get to know to”, he mumbles with no hint of uncertainty. “I don’t know anyone from here.  And there is something I like about you already, although you don’t seem to be very talkative.”

I feel really stupid, sitting here and not knowing what to say.

“I’m sorry I just… I just realized something this morning I think I’m a bit lost too.”

Donghae smiles to me, tilting his head like a puppy waiting for someone to play with him.

“I’m here to have a fresh start. So maybe we could be lost together? You show me the city – and in return I show you something you have lost.”

Even if I don’t know him, I know I can trust this guy. His eyes are full of playfulness, but he’s honestly like a kid or a dog who looks the world eyes wide open and wags his tail to every oncoming person.

The cautious, reserved part of me wants to decline, but the new, awaken side wants to try. I guess no one can guarantee anything to me, but if I would refuse, anything positive wouldn’t happen either.

Maybe it’s supposed to be like this.

Maybe I’m supposed to take the first risk in my whole life, to gain something I will thank myself for taking the risk to actually live again.

When we step outside and while Donghae tells me how he ended up here, I feel how my shoulders aren’t so stiff anymore. How my steps are lighter, my smile a little bit brighter, and how there’s this new kind of tingling inside of me.

This time I don’t need to halt from everything I’m doing, just for a moment, so I could actually see. I don’t need to close my mind for a minute to stop thinking about everything, so I could actually hear. I don’t need to stop on my tracks to forget everything I think I have to do, so I could actually smell.

I exhale a puff of air that lingers in the air like white smoke, swirling there for a moment but soon fading into the thin air. My fingers are cold. The breeze dances shyly with my auburn colored hair, covering half of my eyes until I brush them off my sight when Donghae smiles at me and tells me what he wants to see.

This time there’s no thoughts going around in my head, because I’m not thinking about the past or worrying over my future. There’s no constant buzzing in my head because I’m not living someone else’s life anymore.

Because this is my story and I can turn the page and start writing anew.

"You are the only one who can change your story, and you do this by changing your relationship with yourself."