AN: Enjoy. By the way...Whitney Houston's "I will always love you" Is a perfect fit for the end of this chapter. Just saying.

TWO WEEKS LATER:

The calls eventually stopped, and Jonghyun didn’t fret. Taemin was sure to send him an email every few days, if only to tell him where he was and that had had contacted their manager to update him. The dorm was quiet, a rare day off for the members from their solo activities. Jonghyun sat around in the living room, a laptop in his lap as he quietly read some news. It seems Taemin had been spotted in Daejeon the other day, and journalists had caught a hint of a boy with him.

Kibum had already ranted about it this morning and a fight had erupted between him and Jinki and Minho and the three were quietly stewing after Jonghyun had yelled at them. His head bobbed along to the music he was playing when he felt a body sit next to him. He looked up to see Kibum sitting there, his eyes red and puffy. He frowned, “Oh, Bummie…”

“Why won’t he come home? Why won’t he talk to us, Jjongie?” Kibum laid his head on Jonghyun’s chest when the elder opened his arms for a hug.

Jonghyun laid his head on top of the younger’s, “He’ll come back when he’s ready to.”

“But he won’t even call. Does he not care about us anymore?”

“You know he cares,” Jonghyun sighed.

Kibum just shook his head. “I just want him home.”

“I know. I do, too.”

He hoped Taemin would come back too. He prayed that his advice had worked and that Taemin was slowly but steadily rebuilding his world.

WITH TAEMIN:

The boy was sitting on a train, his eyes glued to the window. He had spent time in Daejeon with Jihun, getting to know him and hanging out with him. The younger boy had tagged along with him until he made it to Jeonju, where they separated. Taemin continued south, his mind blank as the train took him to Busan. Taemin tapped his fingers on the table, watching the early spring day pass by him.

He was no closer to figuring out how to let everything go. Writing was still an outlet, but he couldn’t help it when his mind wandered. He often felt like it was his fault that this had happened. He wanted nothing more than to fix it…but what was there to fix?

He played on his phone, watching some videos on the Internet. He knew s had gone on a variety show without him, and it was plastered all over the Internet that SHINee was going on a hiatus. Rumors had spread that they were breaking up since Taemin had been spotted outside of Seoul. He had given himself those twenty-four hours after that phone call to Jonghyun to be angry and upset and then he grew numb. He was numb to anything that tried to make him smile or laugh.

He figured denial was running through his veins at this point, because he didn’t have the motivation to do anything. He was tired. The pain had been with him for too long and it was slowly eating away at him. How could he be happy when his heart was so broken that it hurt to even beat?

Would he have to find someone else to fill this void? Did he even want to do that? Taemin grumbled…of course he didn’t. Jinki was special to him in so many ways. Why was he being selfish?

Taemin looked up. As much as he hurt and ached, if Jinki was happy, then he should be, too. Being with someone, and loving someone even as a friend, meant wanting their happiness. He wanted Jinki to be happy, even if it meant being with Minho. It was worth it to see the leader calm and relaxed, without having to care about him in any way other than as a band mate.

Taemin bit his lip…he felt oddly…at peace with that answer. Maybe he would eventually accept that this was meant to happen, even if it meant it would take a long time for him to heal. Taemin had never really been curious about the future, but now he was.

Is this what letting go felt like? Is this what Jonghyun meant by accepting that he may never get closure? Had he grieved and ached too long to start over and fix things that he just didn’t have anything left to give? Could he actually establish something that would keep him from hurting even more?

The maknae opened up an app on his phone and bit his lip again, pressing on a username and waiting for it to connect.

Jonghyun looked exhausted on the other end of this skype call. “Well well, it’s the globetrotting maknae.”

Taemin smiled tiredly, “Hi,Hyung.”

“Where are you off to now? I’ll have you know that I’m proud you haven’t had to use the card that much at all.”

“I told you I want to support myself, Hyung…” Taemin sighed.

Jonghyun watched him carefully. Taemin didn’t look any better than when he had left over three weeks ago. So why was he calling now?

“So, are you in trouble, or is there another reason you’re skyping me?”

Taemin squared his shoulders. “Can you get everyone on this call?”

The main singer raised an eyebrow. Did that mean Jinki and Minho included? Taemin merely nodded and Jonghyun could see he looked nervous.

“Are you sure?”

“Please…I don’t think I’ll be able to do this again if I don’t do it now.”

Jonghyun wondered what Taemin wanted to say. He leaned up, “Yah! Jinki! Minho! Kibum! Come to the living room quickly!” 

One after another, the three came to the living room, still quietly upset from earlier.

Kibum rubbed his forehead, “What is it?” 

Jonghyun scooted to the middle of the couch. “Come sit. I want you to see this.”

The three took a seat on both sides of Jonghyun and their faces paled. Taemin waved, a small smile on his face.

“Annyong, Hyungs.”

“LEE TAEMIN!” Kibum screamed. He sat over Jonghyun’s lap. “COME HOME NOW! WHERE ARE YOU?”

“I’m on a train right now, Umma. I’m alright.”

Jonghyun grabbed onto Kibum and held him tightly.

“You wanted us together. What’s up, Tae?”

Taemin nervously looked out the window and sighed.

“For one, I don’t know when I’m coming back yet.”

Jonghyun carefully watched Jinki, only to see the leader masking his face of any emotion. But Jonghyun knew him better. His eyes told him everything he needed to know. He was upset by those words, and would probably continue to be upset.

The maknae continued, “But I’m okay…I’m not…upset anymore.” He looked down, playing with the ring on his finger. How could he say this without wanting to cry? He promised Jonghyun he wouldn’t and he wasn’t about to go back on that promise. “I just wanted you four to know I’m safe and I wanted to apologize for running out like that.”

Taemin hurt seeing Kibum cry into Jonghyun’s chest. Jinki looked absolutely blank, but like Jonghyun, Taemin knew how to read him as well. But he brushed off the pain in Jinki’s eyes. He wanted this, didn’t he? He wanted to be happy with Minho, and Taemin was willing to give him that.

“Minho-hyung?” 

The rapper looked upset as well when he met Taemin’s eyes. “Taemin…”

“T-Take care of Hyung for me.” Taemin tried to smile, “Be happy with him.”

Minho didn’t say anything as Taemin continued.

“Onew-hyung.”

The four went silent. Jonghyun knew it then. Taemin had broken finally because he didn’t refer to Jinki by his real name like they did.

Jinki shook, “T-Taeminnie…co-come h-home…”

Taemin shook his head, “I can’t yet. There’s still something I need to do.” He knew exactly what he needed to do now. He squared his shoulders, looking the elder in the eyes. “Onew-hyung. We…did not end well. I’m sorry for that. But…for me…be happy. I-I won’t ruin your happiness with Minho-hyung.”

Jinki was silent. How the hell was he supposed to react to this? Was he supposed to be happy because he sure as hell wasn’t!

Jonghyun stared at Taemin, “Taemin-ah…”

Taemin turned away to wipe at his eyes. He felt his heart break inside him.

“Be happy.” He ended the call after that, switching his phone off and setting it on the table. He let the tears drop, sealing away everything in that moment. When he got to Busan, he knew what he would do to finally forgive himself.

The four watched the call cut out and try to reconnect over and over. Jinki sat in a haze. Had he pushed Taemin so far that he would break this much? He regretted everything now. He couldn’t be happy.

Kibum whimpered, “Tae…”

 Jonghyun shut the laptop, “He’s given us a request. We should honor it, since it is a simple one.” He looked to the new couple. “He gave you his blessing.”

“I didn’t want his blessing!” Jinki yelled.

He stood and grabbed at his head. He felt so conflicted inside. This wasn’t what he wanted. He didn’t even know what his heart wanted anymore. 

Minho stood and wrapped his arms around the elder, “Hyung it’s okay…”

Jinki shrugged him off. “No it’s not…nothing’s alright.”

The three watched him walk off after that, going to Taemin’s room and shutting the door loudly.

Jonghyun sighed, “Go Minho. Take care of him.”

The rapper only nodded, following after his boyfriend. Kibum eventually lifted his head and wiped away his tears.

“He’s never coming back…”

Jonghyun however disagreed. “I think he’ll be back sooner than we think.”

THE NEXT DAY:

Taemin stretched as he stepped off the train. He was at his last stop. He was finally in Busan. He would force himself to let go here before he made the trip back to Seoul, which would probably take a couple of days.

It was nighttime here, since he had a layover in another city for a while. He had not dared to turn on his phone, fearing his three hyungs would be blowing up the device with texts and phone calls.

Jonghyun would take care of them, so he put them out of his mind as he made his way to the hotel he had found online the day before. He quietly checked in and went to his room, setting his bags on the bed.

He rifled around for a moment before he found the new journal he had gotten in Daejeon. He had spent the last day filling it out, making sure to copy his letters from the journal Jihun gave him. He would keep that one since he had been kind enough to give it to him. With the new one gripped tightly in his hand, he grabbed his backpack and left the hotel, walking along the streets. People passed by him as he blended into the crowd and he was thankful for that.

He stopped by a vendor, picking up an item he needed and continued to walk until he was on the shore of the beach. He had never been to the ocean before, only really a river or a bay. The lights from the street and the stars above him gave him enough illumination as he tore four notes from the journal and folded them up.

It took him some time, but the lighted balloon he had gotten was ready to be lit. He put the notes inside and lit the balloon, holding it tightly into his chest. He was alone, and finally Jonghyun’s words made sense to him. He shut his eyes, imagining that Jinki was in front of him now. He didn’t practice these words, but simply let it come from his racing heart.

“I love you Jinki, I always will. I wish you nothing but happiness in the future and I hope I can always remain in your path, even if it’s from a distance. I wish we could start over, go back to the good times, but I see now…that it’s not going to happen.”

He opened his eyes, his image of Jinki still staring at him.

“It felt like my world crashed when you left. I felt so betrayed, so alone at that moment when you looked me in the eyes and said no more.” He chuckled and took a deep breath, “It felt like nothing I did or wanted to say would matter…it felt like I would never get it right with you.”  

Taemin bit his lip. This was it. This was the moment he wanted, searched for. A single tear dropped from his eyes.

 “I pray that someday, I will get it right though. I pray that I will forgive myself like I forgave you. I pray that someday we no longer hurt the way we do now.”

He lifted the balloon, “I will start again now, and I swear I will be independent. I will grow wiser and happier as the days come. I wish for your happiness like I wish for my own and I hope that you see that I care about you.”

He let go, watching the balloon take his heart with him into the sky and over the ocean. Another tear fell.

 “I love you, Jinki…but I will let you go if it means you’re happier.”

He waited until he could no longer see the balloon before picking up the journal and throwing it as hard as he could into the ocean. It washed away then, sealing away the decision he had made.

He would be happy now and he’d find his way in the chaotic world they called life. He would do it, guarded now, sealing his heart away…for good.

AN: -_-