AN: This is the last chapter of this story. I will be doing a short epilogue for it though! Honestly, this story has been special to me. I can relate to a lot of what I have written in here and I will always hold this story dear to my heart because it helped when I was going through a very rough patch X’D. Enjoy this, lovelies!

Taemin walked slowly, his arms behind his back as Minho walked beside them. He took the lead, walking ahead of Minho through the forest where Jinki had taken him.

He knew what he had to say to Minho. If he were being completely honest with himself though, he was scared. He was absolutely terrified of what Minho would say to him in return. That feeling ticked him off. He didn’t like the feeling of being scared anymore. If he wasn’t afraid of what Jinki had to say, then why should he be afraid of what Minho had to say?

Taemin looked back at the rapper to see him sullen, his eyes focused on the ground. Taemin stopped and turned to him.

“Hyung?”

Minho looked up at him, his mouth opening and closing over and over again. Taemin watched him, knowing he would have to start.

He sighed, “Just…tell me what’s going through your mind.” 

Minho shut his mouth and leaned against a tree. He looked away from Taemin, “Do you know that feeling…deep down in your heart where you’re happy yet jealous over what has happened?”

“All too well,” Taemin said quietly.

The rapper crossed his arms. “Looking back now…I know I was wrong for not letting you and Jinki work things out.”

“So it’s not all my fault?” Taemin asked, chuckling at the same time.

Minho didn’t laugh though.

Taemin approached him, “Hyung, you’re either angry at me, Jinki, or yourself, so just be honest with me.”

“I want to be mad at you, Taemin. I want to so badly,” Minho spat out.

Taemin grimaced, “The feeling is mutual, Hyung.”

“Why aren’t you then? Why are you acting like you like me?!” Minho yelled.

Just like Jinki had done a few hours ago, Taemin saw Minho scream in irritation at the situation.

The maknae sighed, “Because we’re closer than that, Minho-hyung, you know that. What makes you believe I have it in my heart to hate you?”

Minho snapped his head up at that and Taemin saw his eyes go wide.

The boy continued, “Throughout this entire situation I never hated you or Jinki. Sure, I may have wanted to, but that was never what I truly felt. I hated myself.”

Taemin sighed, slumping down on the tree next to Minho. He thought over the past few months, acknowledging that the pain he felt had helped him. He was stubborn not to give up on himself, which was what he learned. To give up on yourself, when you need to love yourself first and foremost, would have destroyed any hope he had for the future.

“I wanted to die that night. I admit that, but I don’t believe that was selfish. I didn’t have anyone who understood me like Jinki had you. But you know, I’m glad it happened that way.” Taemin looked up at the rapper, “Without it, I wouldn’t be so calm talking to you right now. Being on my own for a bit, without our leader, without my hyungs helped me.”

Minho slumped down next to him, “How?”

Taemin laid his head against the tree and looked up at the sun peeking through the leaves. He shut his eyes and let the silence of nature calm his beating heart. It was funny how Mother Nature and the simple sounds of nature were able to calm his head. The air wrapped around him delicately, kissing his cheek as it flew by.

“I’ll be the first to admit that my self confidence is not where I want it to be.” He opened his eyes and looked up, “But I will admit that traveling helped me. It made me find a bit of who I was again.

Minho was quiet and he pulled his legs to his chest. He watched Taemin sigh deeply as he continued.

“I was pretty broken for awhile, Hyung. I had thoughts telling me I wasn’t worth it…that I should have died that night after losing the one thing that had kept me going for so long. I was dependent on Jinki to keep me from losing my mind.”

Taemin sighed, “I was wrong for that. I left because I needed to know how to love myself before I was able to love Jinki the way he wanted…needed me too.” 

Minho bit his lip. It was interesting to see the maknae so open for once. It felt like that when he lost Jinki, he gained his soul back in the process.

Taemin chuckled, “I’m not heartless, Hyung. If Jinki wanted to be with you, I would never tell him to dump you for me. Jinki is hurting because he hurt both you and me.”

Minho looked down, feeling his heart ache. He wasn’t even sure how he felt about Jinki anymore. He knew he still loved the leader, but in a way he was grateful that Jinki seemed to be stronger as well.

“I just want him to smile.”

“As do I, and he feels completely selfish for dragging us through it.”

Taemin looked over at Minho now.

“You and I, we’re the closest in age, Hyung. You’re always going to be an older brother to me and I care for your happiness as well. I may have been harsh with things I have said, but I meant them. If I didn’t mean what I said I wouldn’t say it.”

“I just don’t get it how you can let go so easily.”

Taemin went silent for a moment. “Want to know a secret?”

“Neh,” Minho replied.

Taemin shut his eyes again, “I don’t know how to let go. I don’t know how to not care even though I tried so hard. But it wasn’t about letting go in a snap so that my heart would forget Jinki. It was about building myself back up from what I had lost over time.”

Minho was stunned. How in the world could Taemin do it all on his own?

“And did you succeed?”

“I’m not sure. I still have negative thoughts about myself and I’m pretty sure I’ll up in some way again, but I do know one thing about this entire ordeal.”

Minho waited, letting the boy continue.

Taemin bit his lip, “I’ve learned that it’s okay to be imperfect and like my flaws. I know it’s okay to be selfish about what I want. But I’ve also learned that I have to do what’s right for myself before I can help others.”

It was true. Taemin knew there was a spot deep down inside his heart that spelled out how he loved himself and his dreams. It was that seed that would help his confidence grow even in the darkest of places. When darkness would cloud over his mind he knew there was a speck of light that would eventually shine through.

But he learned back on that trip that he had to let it grow before he could even think of repairing a relationship. He had been all right with trying to find himself on that trip.

“You know, Hyung, the past can’t change. I know that, you know that, Jinki knows that and as much as he wants that fact to be unreal, it’s true.” Taemin looked up at Minho now, “What would you do if we could rewind the past?”

The rapper was silent as Taemin stared at him.

“I would…probably confide in you…and tell you that Jinki needed you more than ever.”

That made the maknae smile. Minho continued, lowering his head to rest on his knees.

“At first, I wanted to tell Jinki that he needed to work it out with you. I care about you, too, Tae. But I had liked Jinki for a while and I thought maybe…”

“I know,” Taemin said. He sighed, “Do you know that I felt selfish as well? I was hurting Jinki, too.”

“I don’t get why. You know you’re one of the kindest people I know.”

“As are you, Hyung. But it doesn’t change that we were all selfish in what happened.”

Taemin held onto that thought wholeheartedly. The moment people told him he was heartless he wanted to scream, to tell them they were wrong. It was those thoughts that were in the past though.

“So where do we go from here?” Minho asked after the silence had stretched on between them.

Taemin smiled and looked up at the trees, “It depends. Where do you want it to go from here? Just a while ago you wanted me to take the entire blame for this.”

“I was…angry…” Minho said quietly.

Taemin understood that and Minho had a right to be angry. Jinki had a right to be angry, and Taemin did as well. But being angry didn’t fix everything. Talking it through did. Taemin looked over at Minho.

 “What do YOU want, honestly?”

Minho stared at him for a few moments and Taemin could swear he saw tears.

“To not be alone…to feel like I’m not the bad guy in this situation any longer.” 

Taemin felt his heart drop into his stomach. He crawled over to Minho and grabbed his hand. “Hyung…”

The rapper rubbed at his eyes and Taemin tried not to let the tears coming to his own eyes fall. He had rarely seen Minho cry and for him to cry now meant he had been holding so much in.

“I loved Jinki and maybe I still do, but I can’t stand hurting him, either. I just don’t want him to hate me. I don’t want you to hate me.”

“I don’t hate you, Minho. We’re friends, brothers, how could I hate you?”

“Because I was the one who almost made you end your life!” Minho screamed.

Taemin sighed, letting a tear drop from his eyes. “Stop, Hyung. That’s not your fault.”

“Then whose fault is it? Jinki’s? 'Cause that’s not true!”

“Why does it have to be someone’s fault?” Taemin asked.

He was genuinely curious as to why Minho seemed hell bent on figuring this out. Minho sniffled, rubbing his knuckles against his eyes.

“Because…you wouldn’t do it otherwise.”

“Are you so sure? Did you live in my mind? Did you feel alone and out of place even though you had people claiming to love you?”

Minho looked up at Taemin now.

“You felt that?” 

Was it that hard to miss? Of course he felt that way. He didn't feel as strong as he wanted to be.

“Of course, there are times I still feel it. The feeling of not belonging, not being protected by those you’re close to is a feeling I struggle with, especially since I’m still trying to get my confidence to a level where I feel all right.”

“But you know we would do anything for you,” Minho said quietly.

Taemin smiled despite a tear dripping down his cheek, “And I believe you, Hyung.”

“T-then don’t feel that way…you can’t…”

“But I do,” Taemin sighed. “I do feel that way and sometimes I just can’t help it.”

Taemin shut his eyes and waited for Minho to reply back. Instead he opened his eyes when he felt the rapper hugging him tightly. He heard Minho muffle a sob into Taemin’s shoulder.

 “Don’t hate me...”

Taemin sighed, “I don’t Minho. I don’t have it in me to hate you or anyone else.” The maknae patted his back and sighed, “You know. Hyung…growing up all I ever wanted was to be independent. I wanted to prove myself since I debuted so young. Looking back, I realize that I grew up being dependent on that thought. It made me hate myself for not living up to the high expectation I put on myself.”

“But you are, and we all love you,” Minho said pulling away.

Taemin shut his eyes, finally letting his tears fall, “I know and for once, I do as well.”

He did as well, hoping he could hold onto that thought as he grew more. Time would only tell as he continued to heal his soul, but his heart reminded him that he had gained what he lost so long ago in return.

Love for others…

…and for himself.